- My uncle used to say that the heart doesn't write its lessons in pencil, or even in ink. It chisels them into tablets of stone. I used to be kinda confused by that statement, but I think I'm kinda learning to understand it a bit more these days.
Whenever Brandon crosses my mind, it's never just a random thought, or a warm and friendly feeling in my gut. My heart intensifies it. Each and every time. If it was just a fond memory, then I could grin to myself and let it go. But not with Brandon. I actually really miss him. I know I've said that before, but it seems to be getting worse. Especially now that I'm forced to think about him every time I pick up this new journal and open it up to the current page. Reminded of my greatest adventure and my biggest mistake at the same time.
Sighhh...God, I wish I could take that night back. Nothing in my life has been the same since.
Maybe its my experience with Lee, or my 'hands off' experience with Sam yesterday...but with every minute that goes by, I find myself missing Brandon's affection to the point of severe heartache. I just wish I could make it stop. That's all.
I mean...that deal is already off the table, right? I'd love to be optimistic and say, 'we'll patch things up some day and live happily ever after'...but that's a really farfetched ending to our particular 'love story'. Some how, I doubt that's even a credible fantasy anymore.
See...everything kinda started this morning when Sam called the house. Any other time, I wouldn't have hesitated at all to pick up the phone and share a friendly chat with him, you know? But this morning was different. I saw his name on the Caller ID....and I just kinda stared at it as I let it ring a few more times without picking up. Can't explain why. I had to actually think about whether or not I wanted to talk to him. And that's not like me at all. Not when it comes to Sam.
I'm starting to think that I might have seriously screwed something up here. I'm just...not sure why I can't detach as easily as he can. It shouldn't be all that hard. I kinda expected this to happen, right? I went in with a clear head. I PROMISED myself that I wouldn't let it mess with my head like this. So where did I go wrong?
It's like...ok...imagine if your mom made these frozen cheeseburgers for dinner 364 days in a row. And the burgers are great! I mean...you certainly don't mind them. But on the 365th day...she gives you a thick, tender, succulent STEAK! And it's just the most delicious, juicy, tasty, meal you've ever had before in your life! It totally blows your mind. But then...afterwards, your mom just goes back to frozen burgers. No matter how BADLY you want the steak again...all she wants to give you is frozen burgers. It's then that you realize how dull...and bland...and tasteless they were. Once you've gotten a taste of something soooo sexy...who wants to go back to average?
Does that make me a bad person? I never had a problem with our friendship before. It's always been one of the most awesome parts of my life. But now? Sam's friendship is just not enough.
I don't want to talk to Sam about the freakin' WEATHER! I don't wanna giggle over video games and pal around town like a couple of 6 year olds in the sandbox! I want him to kiss me roughly on the side of my neck and rip my clothes off of me! I want him to pin me down to the mattress and grind his hard rod into me until I explode! TWICE!!! I'm getting horny right now just THINKING about him on top of me!!!
But....sighhh....you know...I'm back to frozen burgers again.
I figured I'd just see him tomorrow. No big deal. I still need some time to find a whole new balance for our friendship, I guess. One where we can still be close to each other, but without me ever wanting to be close enough to...um...'touch' him. I've kinda learned my lesson about that. I swear, I'm not even gonna bring it up anymore. God, I feel so ashamed about yesterday. He just doesn't...want me like that. And I made him feel dirty by being a total perv about it. I'll stop. For a while there, I was being the aggressive and flirty one, but I obviously failed terribly at getting him interested. So I'm gonna seriously try my best to just put this whole thing behind me and stop harassing him before I end up making us BOTH feel weird about being in the same room together.
That's probably for the best.
I've got some hot memories though! Hehehe! I mean...wow! That boy certainly used to have me all horned up over how truly *SEXY* he could really be when he wanted to be! Seriously, he surprised the shit out of me, and I LOVED it! But....yeah. People change, I suppose. I've gotta change too. No biggie.
SO...anyway...that's where Brandon comes in! I mean, Sam and weren't gonna get together today, and I kinda didn't feel like going outside and running into him by 'accident' either. So I just kind fooled around on the computer for a while. I definitely did some porn surfing while I was there too! Hehehe, there are sooooo many hot boys online! It's unreal! It always makes me snicker to myself when I see the little 'Under 18' disclaimers telling me to go away if I'm underage. LOL! Does ANYBODY ever really obey those things? I mean, seriously...are there teenage boys out there who see that garbage and click the 'no, don't enter' button? I'd like to think that any NORMAL person who decided to visit SuperHardBoyCock.com wouldn't see the text of a lame disclaimer, get scared, and then run away. Once I'm looking for porn, you pretty much have to firewall the SHIT out of the whole site to keep me from getting in! Hehehe! I'm 15...a text written message is hardly a deterrent. In fact, I think it's pretty damn laughable.
Anyway, I was getting horny and looking at a ton of really hot pictures of the new twink models, when my email alert went off. And my eyes bugged out when I saw that it was Brandon! Considering that every email from him is a blessing and a surprise these days, I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw his name. There wasn't anything written in the subject line, so there was a moment when I thought it might be spam or that he just sent me something by accident. You know...like one of those group mailings that he forgot to take my name off of or something. But nope! It was actually a deliberate email from my previous sweetheart! So I held my breath and checked it out.
He was like, "Hey! Check this out! It's hilarious! I saw this and thought of you! I thought you might like it!" And there was a link to a YouTube video with a homosexual clown entertaining children with a gigantic purple rubber dildo and a pinata made to look like a blue sheep! Hahaha! What the HELL made him see that and think of ME? It was funny, for sure...but even funnier because it came from Brandon, you know? Sighhh...it just....it felt good.
I wrote back, and sent him a video of a baby monkey riding a baby pig backwards on a farm, and smiled to myself as I hit the send button. A minute later, he wrote back with a ton of 'LOL's' and smiley faces. HE LIKED IT!!! Omigod, he really LIKED it! The thrill of knowing that he enjoyed it was like...the best feeling in the WORLD at that moment.
This went on for almost half an hour. With Brandon sending me something crazy and off the wall, and me sending something back to match him. I don't know why, but I think that I was actually blushing and giggling in front of my computer screen. My knees were bouncing around like crazy, and I was having so much fun that I almost forgot how...out of the blue this whole interaction was.
After about fifteen more minutes of laughs...Brandon sent me a video or two of some YouTube vlogger that he thought was really cute. He was like, "I dunno...he's just really hot to me, you know? He makes me laugh."
He was right, as always. Brandon and I share similar tastes. Well...not including Stevie of course. But that goes without saying. That damn...jerk monkey! Grrr!
So I sent him the 'Jesse-101' vids that I was watching, and Brandon was quiet for a while. Hehehe, I'm guessing that he got a big kick out of them and took some time to enjoy them thoroughly. Then we just traded a few friendly emails, and I got this really weird sensation in my stomach...and even though I probably shouldn't have said anything, I asked Brandon, "Do you mind if we 'talk' for a while? Like...on the phone or something?" I hit the send button, but after a minute or two without an answer, I got nervous, and I wrote another emails saying, "It's ok if you say no. Honestly, k?"
I waited. It seemed like it took him FOREVER!!! But then I heard my alert go off, and nearly jumped out of my seat! I crossed my fingers and opened the email. He said, "Sure. If you want." Nothing more than that. Did that mean that he was...interested? Or was he just being polite and forcing himself to talk to me to keep from hurting my feelings? I could never tell with Brandon. He was the poster boy or the proverbial 'nice guy'. But I guess that's part of the reason that I was so in love with him to begin with. His heart. He had a heart that was too beautiful for words when you got to see it in action, you know?
I was gonna just call him up...but I felt bad. Like...you know....like he might not REALLY want to talk to me at all. So I wrote another email and said, "It's totally ok if you don't want to. I mean it. I don't wanna pressure you or anything if you don't feel like it."
But then my phone rang, and it was him. The first words he said was, "Get outta here. Hehehe, what are you talking about? Don't be a weirdo." I just...I don't think I was really ready to hear his sweet voice on the phone. You know...Brandon was always kinda shy, never knowing what to really say to me on the phone or in person...but to be totally honest, he could read names to me out of the phone book, and I'd get a serious case of the wiggles just the same. He didn't have to do anything other than blink and breathe to totally FASCINATE me beyond belief! And I just didn't know how to tell him that. I'm just weird that way, I guess.
I think we talked for an hour today. Maybe a little bit more. And it made me miss this kind of genuine connection soooooo much. I was hanging on his every word, and he seemed to be hanging on mine. Brandon had this way of totally 'exposing' his deepest innermost thoughts to me in the simplest of conversation. It was...you know...sexy. Hehehe! I dunno...I just felt close to him while we were talking. He didn't mention Stevie once the entire time. I could take that as a sign of Stevie not being as important anymore, or as him just not wanting to discuss him with me specifically because...well, I'm his 'ex' and all. But we continued to have a good time together regardless.
Then, out of the blue, he was like, "So...how are things with your boyfriend? I hope you guys are happy."
Honestly...I almost had to ask him, 'what boyfriend?' Then I remembered that Lee, emotionally distant as he was, was supposed to be my better half. God thing I didn't depend on THAT particular commitment, or I'd still be half a person. Maybe 60% if Lee was in a GOOD mood instead of ignoring me for...whatever reason.
I told him, "Oh...um, actually...Lee and I kinda broke up. I mean, it wasn't messy or anything, he just...he wasn't much into sharing himself with somebody else. You know? He was more about doing his own thing, I suppose."
Brandon was like, "Aww, dude...I'm sorry. That sucks. Did you guys try to work it out or...?"
I was like, "Sorta. But...it just wasn't a 'close' relationship. Lee is the kinda guy who needs distance in order to feel 'safe', or whatever. I don't like distance. I wanna know what somebody else is thinking."
Brandon was all like, "Yeah. I can understand that. Stevie can be the same way sometimes." Ugh! There it was. The first mention of Stevie that I had heard all night. He said, "We kinda work around it though. I think he's getting better about it. Maybe I am too. It takes time though. I don't think he trusts me."
I said, "I trusted you just fine. Hehehe!"
But he told me, "Yeah, but maybe you were just gullible. I tricked you pretty easily."
I gasped and it made him laugh. I said, "I wasn't GULLIBLE! It's just...none of that stuff mattered to me. As far as I was concerned, you could do no wrong. I couldn't even be mad at you if I tried."
There was a pause. And I think Brandon smiled a little, but he softly responded with, "Yeah. I guess so. I...uh...I know what you mean. Sometimes I just...I think that I might have..." He struggled for words, and I was waiting for a reply from him, but never got one. Instead, he waited a few more seconds and said, "Hey, Billy? I think...I've gotta run. Ok? Don't be mad. I just...I've got some stuff I've gotta do."
Do I press forward? Do I let go? Do I rip this cherished moment out of my heart like a thick wrapping of duct tape from under my ballsack??? I didn't know how to react at ALL! All I knew was that I got this really jittery feeling in my stomach and I didn't know what to do with it!
I told him, "Ok. Yeah, that's cool. It was just good to hear from you. Hehehe, you surprised me."
And he said, "It was good to hear from you too." But it was really bashful and boyishly cute when he said it. It was JUST like I remembered! Hehehe! It made me giddy with excitement, and when he hung up, I swear...I went back over every single email that we ever traded with each other all over from scratch. I didn't even do my homework tonight. I couldn't concentrate at all. Why even bother? You know? More memories. Just what I needed.
God...am I getting myself involved in yet another doomed situation? He has a boyfriend. I'm being naughty, aren't I? But...I can't help it. It's like...I *WANT* him!!! Hehehe! He's the coolest, cutest, most incredible boy that I've ever known! If Stevie is lacking in ANY way whatsoever in keeping him happy...I'm TOTALLY gonna swoop in and fill the void he left behind. I'd want Brandon to do that for me. Sam and Lee together aren't enough! But Brandon was. He was everything to me. And...and...I shouldn't be writing this here in my journal. Because I'm gonna look at this later and feel really bad about it. So...let me just say that I was overwhelmed by Brandon's surprise communication today. And I just wish that I could have kept it going for a little bit longer.
I doubt that I'm ever gonna love anybody more than I loved him. What's worse...I don't think anyone else is gonna love ME as much as he loved me either. Which...you know...sucks.
But at least we're talking! :)
Randall says he wants to talk to me. I know why, but I don't know if I can tell him anything that he doesn't already know. Hmmm...I wonder if Lee tells Joanna his problems the same way she tells him hers. I doubt it. Lee is pretty private. Still...a weekend away from him isn't solving the problem. So...I actually sent him an email tonight. Just to say that we needed to talk. And I even told him that we should do it on the phone. I need to lay this relationship to rest so I can move on. And so he can move on too. I'd love it if we could still hang out from time to time, but 'boyfriends'? It's just not his strong suit. At least not for me.
I'll fill Randall in after I talk to Lee first. I don't want to play them against each other. That's not fair at all.
Dammit!!! And I forgot to write Bobby back tonight! Then again...he just said 'hi'. What kind of major response did he want from me? I'm still a bit curious as to why he wrote me at all, but that's all tomorrow's problem.
Ok....focus. I'll do one or two homework assignments tonight, and try to fix up the rest tomorrow in study hall. No big deal. I'll catch up. Right now...I'm going back to Brandon's FIRST 'I love you' email to me! Hehehe! Oh GOD....he's sooooooooo CUTE!!! Jesus! I'm such a wuss for that boy!