"Billy Chase" (Books 1 & 2) Coming in January 2012!!!
- You wanna know how I feel right now? Free. I feel truly free.
In more ways than one, believe me. And it's a good thing.
I wasn't in any real hurry to get out of bed this morning for school. I kinda rolled around in the warm covers for a while and just let my body relax for an extra fifteen minutes before my mom started nagging me about getting out of bed. It reached a point where it would be more frustrating to tune her out than it would be to just submit and start getting ready. So I took a shower, got dressed up and all, and I was having some micro waved French toast when the phone rang. I didn't think to go pick it up, because I figured it was somebody from my mom's job or something. But instead, she calls out to me from the living room, like, "Billy. It's Sam." Which was strange.
I got up and took the phone and my breakfast in my room. I said, "What's up?"
And he's like, "Dude, where are you?"
I'm like, "I'm at home, obviously. Where else would I be?"
He says, "You usually come over by now. Are you gonna stop by, or what?"
Psh, yeah, I was coming over early when the incentive was hot passionate sex with the cutest blond boy on the BLOCK, sure! But not now. I said, "Well...I'm still eating. But I'll be over when I get finished."
And he's like, "Cool. Well, hurry up, or whatever. K?"
'Hurry up'? What does he mean by, 'hurry up'?
So I finish eating and all, grab my stuff, and I go over to Sam's house like I usually do. He comes downstairs in his sock feet and opens the door with just his boxers and his school shirt on. He's like, "What took you so long?" He's kinda rushing me inside and starts going back to his room...and that's when I see it. Sam is totally tented out in the front, and it's like...bouncing up and down, desperately calling out for some major attention. Now...normally, that would get my heart to race and my breath to get short. Normally, I would have bounded up those stairs, taking them three at a time, and dropped to my knees to give Sam all the attention he would ever need.
But you know what? Not today. Seriously....call me CRAZY, but as hot as he looked at that moment...I wasn't turned on by this at all. In fact, I was kinda hurt by it. I might have been willing to do it before Saturday, but not anymore.
Seems that I guessed his intentions right. Because we get into his room, and Sam smiles at me. He's like, "Dude, any other time you would have been here like a half hour ago. Hehehe!" Then he totally pulls his boxers down to his ankles and steps out of them right in front of me! Naked from the waist down and hard as a rock! Throbbing and warm and looking SEXY as hell! But still...I couldn't help but think that this wasn't right. It didn't 'feel' like it was supposed to feel. Sam walks up and puts his hands on my hips, leaning in for a kiss. But the second his lips touch mine, I push my arms out and lean away from him. He's like, "What? What's wrong?"
It was REALLY hard to concentrate at first, because he was caressing me so tenderly. And because his erection was right there poking me in the belt buckle. It looked so...JUICY right then! I could almost taste it, you know? But...there was just a part of me that felt like I was being 'used' for his pleasure and nothing else. Like...oh, NOW he's feeling frisky! On Saturday he was practically disgusted by my touch, and now I'm supposed to perform like some kind of circus seal for his entertainment. I'm not his whore. I'm not just 'masturbation, but better'. Either he wants an equal friends with benefits deal...where *MY* needs actually fucking matter to him...or we can just be friends. And this morning, I just wanted to be friends.
So I said, "Sam...let's not. Ok?" I moved back from him, and he gave me the strangest look.
He's like, "Dude, it's ok. We've got plenty of time for a quickie. Come on."
But I'm like, "No. I don't want to. Let's just...go. Or you can jack it off in the bathroom or something if you want. I'll wait out here."
He's like, "Billy? What's with you?"
I say, "Nothing. I just don't wanna do it."
He says, "I don't get you, man. Before you couldn't keep your hands off of me, and now you're treating me like a Leper or something?"
Listening to his snotty tone made me adopt one of my own. I'm like, "Oh really? Geez, that's funny. You mean to tell me that it's actually annoying and HURTFUL to have somebody you care about act like he wants you one minute, and then totally REJECTS you the next? Wow, I can't IMAGINE how that must feel."
He says, "Are you still upset about Saturday?"
I said, "I'm actually not upset at all. You're the one who's upset. You're just mad that I'm not doing what you want me to do whenever you 'feel like it'. You get to reject me whenever you want with no conscience at all about my needs or my feelings, and I'm supposed to just deal with it. But when you get a hard on I'm supposed to just serve your every need and care about you being horny. Well fuck that. I'm sorry, but no."
He rolls his eyes in frustration, and he shouts, "Omigod, you're being soooo EMOTIONAL over this! Why do you have to make everything so complicated all the time?"
I'm like, "How simple can I make it? The answer is no. Now you know how I feel when I want some attention and you just decide to turn your back and ignore the SHIT out of me."
Sam grabbed his boxers off of the floor and headed towards the bathroom. He's like, "Fine. Whatever. If you wanna be a child about this, then forget it." Then he says, "Just give me a minute. I'll be back." I took a peek at his ass as he walked away from me. My God, what an ass! But when he went into the bathroom, he slammed the door shut, and that just hurt. Seriously...I felt like he slammed my heart in the door when he did that. So instead of waiting for him to jack off, I just grabbed my stuff and left. Fuck him. When I'm horny, he can't be fucking bothered. What makes him think that my passions are any less important. I didn't feel like it. Period. He doesn't have any right to be hurt or to get mad at me. If he gives nothing, he gets nothing. End of story. Fuck him.
I left his house, and you know what? I felt awesome. I really did. After AJ and Lee, I'm sick and tired of not having my feelings matter. I'm sick and tired of being the only one who's trying to make someone else happy. I'll be honest, if Sam had at least given me a LITTLE bit of effort on Saturday...a few kisses, a little snuggling, SOMETHING...I probably would have given him a really hot blowjob today. Honestly. Even if I wasn't in the mood or whatever, I would have at least made an attempt to make Sam happy. But if he can't be bothered to do the same for me, then I can't be bothered to do it for him. It's not me being vengeful, it's my way of having some balance in this relationship. Whatever this 'relationship' weirdness is. Bottom line...I'll do for him when he does for me first. I'm not gonna be the only one giving love in this equation. I'm SICK of being expected to do everything all the time while somebody else just glides along and receives all the lovey dovey benefits while I do all the work.
Anyway, that's part ONE of being free...
After school today, I waited for the time when I knew Lee would be getting home from school. And I sent him another email to ask him if he could talk. I waited for a reply...and for an hour, he didn't send anything back. So I sent another email. Nothing. Then I got frustrated and just picked up the phone to call his house. He didn't pick up at first, but I called back two more times in a row. Something about this morning with Sam just made me want to be done with this once and for all. And I knew that he was home. So pick up. Pick up, pick up, PICK UP!
Finally, he's like, "Hello?" And his voice is a little shaky, but that was beside the point.
I'm like, "Lee, dude...seriously, we should talk. Ok? I don't wanna do this anymore."
There was a short silence, and then Lee was like, "I don't understand. What did I do that was so awful? Can't we just...I dunno, move on from this or something?"
He sounded kinda sad, and...sighhh...I didn't want to be MEAN to him. I just...I had to get this off my chest. Because I'm not happy. Period. I sorta changed my tone of voice to something more delicate, and I said, "Lee....dude, we can't just pretend nothing's wrong. You didn't do anything awful, I just think...you and me aren't the kind of boys that were meant to be together."
He's like, "What's that supposed to mean?"
I said, "I don't feel like you can be...openly 'affectionate' with me. And, I'm sorry, but I kinda want that in my life. I NEED it. You know?" He totally denies not being intimate with me, and brings up sexual stuff, but then I said, "Do you remember when we went to the movies, Lee? Do you remember me telling you that I loved you?" He said yes, and I asked him, "Why didn't you say it back to me? Why?"
Lee was quiet for a second. Then he's like, "Billy, I'm sorry if we just didn't go back to the house and screw like we usually do. If you wanted sex, we could have had sex..."
But I told him, "It's not ABOUT the sex! I'm asking you a question. Why couldn't you say 'I love you'?"
Lee's like, "I was just trying to have a regular 'date', you know? Just...something sweet. I wanted to spend time with you."
Even more frustrated now from him dodging the issue completely, I told him, "You're still avoiding the question, Lee. You won't answer me. You absolutely refuse to even address it. And, frankly, this is exactly what I'm talking about." Then I said, "I love you, Lee." I said it out loud. What did I get in return? Silence. I'm like, "Did you hear me? I said I love you. I'm openly and verbally expressing actual love for you." I know that I wasn't really in love, and maybe he wasn't either, but I was determined to make him answer me. Just ONCE.
More silence. Then he's like, "Billy, I don't see why any of this matters."
A light bulb went off. And I'm like, "Wow...you really can't say it, can you? You can't even force yourself to say the words for my benefit? Not even for our relationship? It scares you THAT much?" I didn't mean to come off as selfish, but that's just the lack of response that I'm talking about. If I give 50%...HE should give 50%. Is that wrong? Am I expecting too much? Am I asking for miracles here? No!
Finally, Lee's like, "It doesn't really mean anything. They're just words, Billy."
I said, "If it doesn't matter, and they're just words, then say it. Just once. The whole time you and I have been together, you've never said it. Not one time. Never."
He's like, "I'm sorry. It's hard for me, ok? I never know if I have the right words to say...that kind of stuff. Why should I have to? I mean...come on, you should know how I feel about you."
I'm like, "No, Lee. I don't. I try to 'guess' at it every now and then, but sometimes I get tired of pretending that it doesn't really bother me to have you avoid my heart all the time. I need to hear it too. I feel like I'm throwing all of my emotions into a bottomless pit that never gives even a HINT of emotion back to me. I say I love you, you change the subject. I share my feelings with you, you run away from me. I try to get close to you emotionally, and you stop talking to me for a week. If me feeling something for you, or you feeling something for me, makes you *THAT* freakin' uncomfortable...then what are we doing trying to date each other? I don't want a boyfriend who's that terrified of me being affectionate with him. I don't want a boyfriend who can't, just ONCE in a while, say those three little words for the sake of making me smile. It's not about you being uncomfortable or finding the right words, Lee, it's about trying your BEST to make me happy. The same way that I would try my best to make you happy. If we can't communicate something as simple as what we feel...how is this supposed to ever work?"
Lee sounded heartbroken, but he tried to steady himself. And he was like, "So it's just over? Just like that?"
And I said, "Lee...dude, you have no idea how awesome you are. I mean that. And we had some really good times together. I just think that you've got something keeping you from being totally honest with me. And you can't get past it. You won't even try. I can't just keep guessing at how you feel about me. You can't just shut me out whenever you feel a little uncomfortable. It just...it's not fair. And sometimes I feel really alone when we're together." Then I added. "But I'm sure that there's somebody out there who would be just PERFECT for you and what you're willing to offer them. And then it won't matter at all. It's just...I'm not that guy. Call me 'needy' or whatever...but I actually need someone who isn't freaked out by being vulnerable for the sake of feeling something real. I can't just chase you every time you retreat from me emotionally. It's exhausting. And at the end of the chase, my only reward is...a quick kiss and a smile to tide me over until you find another reason to ignore me again."
Lee was like, "I'm sorry, Billy. Ok? Really. I'm so sorry if I was a jerk to you."
I said, "You weren't a jerk. You were awesome. There's nothing wrong with us. We're just...not a match. Maybe one day. But not now."
There was another pause, and then he asks, "Can we a least be friends?"
I'm like, "Of COURSE we can. I'd miss you something awful if we couldn't." That seemed to make him smile a little bit. But I had to ask him, "You're gonna be ok....right?"
He says, "Yeah. It sucks, but...I'm fine. You're still one of the coolest people I know."
I'm like, "That is HUGE coming from you! Hehehe!"
We talked for another minute or two, but then he sounded like he wanted to go. And that was that. I guess that I can say that this was my first official civil break up. It feels weird. But again...it also feels 'free'. And I've still got him as a friend. So that's a plus.
I can't, for the life of me, imagine why he'd be soooo emotionally distant though. Like...pathologically so. I mean Lee was always so cute and sweet and funny to me and everybody else he came in contact with. But you try to get to close, and this gigantic brick wall goes up and he runs from you until the scary feelings go away. What's up with that? He's too CUTE to not let somebody love him with their whole heart. You know?
Whatever. I'm just glad to have that weight off of my shoulder. I'm not sure how going back to being friends is going to work out. I am ALWAYS gonna think Lee is super hot, no matter what. And now that I know what he tastes like, I'm gonna be drooling over him for some time to come. But I have to admit being a little proud of how I handled that today. It feels...adult. Like I can move on.
I answered Randall's email tonight, but I kept it short. I didn't go into detail about what happened. I figured I'd let Lee tell him first. It seemed fair. I also sent Bobby Jinette a quick email to say hello and ask him what was up. I barely saw him in school today, and when I did, he was with that Ian boy, so I left him alone.
I did see Brandon once today too, but....
Well, I was gonna come over and give him a friendly hello, but then I saw Stevie walk out of the library to join him, and I just...took a detour. No need to get into another conflict with that weasel. Brandon. Sighhh...I care about him soooo much, and I can't even talk to him. God forbid if I look like some kind of boyfriend stealing jack ass. I'm sure that's what Stevie calls me behind my back. Fuck him too. He can't guard Brandon 24 hours a day. I just wanna be friends for crying out loud. I'll find a way. Mark my words.
Anyway, I've gotta go. Don't even know if I should go over to Sam's tomorrow. Why is it that all we do is fight now? Things were going really great between us for a while. Maybe it'll just fix itself. It always did in the past. I'm sure we'll find a balance again eventually.Just need to work through this little rough patch, and we can get back to normal.
I'll write more tomorrow.