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- You know...the more I think about it, the more I feel like kicking myself. What the heck is the matter with me? I never know whether my emotions are gonna swing one way or the other at any given moment. It just sucks.
Sighhhh...you know, as much as I was glad that I turned him down yesterday...I'm starting to feel really stupid for not just...having sex with Sam yesterday. There. I said it. I mean, I woke up soooo hard this morning! Throbbing to the point where I thought I'd DIE IF I didn't jack it off as soon as possible. Morning wood can be downright DANGEROUS when you're fifteen! Anyway...when I did it...all I could think about was Sam. And how good he looked yesterday. And how awesome his kisses are. And that whole...vibe where he just takes me in his arms and, like...wants me. It's really SEXY to me when he does that for some reason. Once he gets that thought in his head and a twinkle in his eye, all I have to do is give him a tiny hint of encouragement and he's all over me. Hehehe, I've never really considered myself a submissive person before...but now I think I kinda like it. With Sam, anyway.
I shouldn't have made an argument out of it. That was so dumb of me! Arrgh! I mean....yeah, I have my principles and all, and I'm sorta proud that I made a stand. But...dammit, my stupid pride talked me out of some really hot sex yesterday. And probably today too. I'm totally banging my head on the wall over that one.
A bit of weirdness at school today. Somewhere in the middle of the day, I saw Trace's little brother, Mikey, coming out of the high school office. Which instantly struck me as odd, as I couldn't even imagine him being able to cross the street by himself, much less get all the way to our high school. Another thing that was strange was that he had two band-aids covering, what looked like, a rather nasty gash on his forehead. He had the most heartbreaking little pout on his face, his bottom lip stuck out to maximum capacity and his eyes all red from crying. Why the hell was he standing in the middle of the hall all by himself???
I called out to him, like, "Mikey?" And he turned around, giving me a sad little wave. I'm like, "What are you doing here?" And it was then that Trace came out of the office with his dad and a few slips of paper.
His dad didn't say much to him. I just saw Trace roll his eyes in frustration as his father turned and walked out of the side door. With a frustrated sigh, he turned around and started looking for his baby brother. I took Mikey by the hand and led him in the right direction. Trace seemed relieved to see me.
He's like, "Thanks, Billy. Fuck. Can you believe this shit?"
I'm like, "What's going on?"
Trace said, "Mikey hurt himself at preschool. My dad goes to pick him up, but he has to WORK...as usual...so he wants to come here and dump him off on me? Like, helloooo...? What the hell am I supposed to do with him?" Mikey seemed even more sad, and he hugged the side of my leg. Trace made sure not to make him feel bad. He was like, "It's not you, Mikey. K? You know I'm gonna take care of you, right? Huh?" Mikey nodded, but didn't say anything else. Trace told me, "My dad actually thinks that I'm just gonna leave him here in the school office for the next four hours while I go to classes. He's an idiot."
I'm like, "So...I mean, like, what are you gonna do?"
He says, "The only thing I can do. I'm gonna bail on this place and take him home. I'm gonna miss my detention today, which means a possible three day suspension next week. I swear, this is screwing up everything."
I was like, "That bites, dude. Is there anything I can do?" He shook his head at first, taking his brother's hand to pull him to his side.
Then he thought about it, and he blushed a little bit. He said, "Um...Billy? If...if I ask you for a HUGE favor, I mean...I'll TOTALLY owe you a big one later..."
I said, "What? What is it?"
He cringed a bit, and said, "Well...I'm taking Mikey home still, but...do you think...?" He seemed ashamed to ask, but then he was like, "Could you maybe take a big hit for me and sign me into detention after school?" It seemed like such a little thing to me. Sign his name on a sheet of paper? But then he told me, "Well...they won't just let you sign the sheet and leave. You'll have to, like...stay there. You know...for detention. BUT it's ONLY for this one time! I swear! I'll love you FOREVER, Billy! Seriously!"
Hehehe, I was like, "Won't they recognize that I'm not you? I mean you spend a heck of a lot of time in there. I'm pretty sure they know what you look like by now."
He said, "What, are you kidding? Have you seen the braindead ghouls they pick to monitor the detention hall? You could sign the name BATMAN to the list and they wouldn't bother to look up from...grading tests, or reading 'Guns n' Ammo', or whatever the hell it is they do in there to keep busy." Trace had this really cute, pleading, look in his eyes, and he said, "C'mon, dude, please? Look, you just go in, sign my name...you sit in there for like 45 minutes, and then you go home. No biggie at all. It's the most peace and quiet you'll ever find in this place. Just read or do homework or whatever. It's not like they torture you with whips and cattle prods or anything."
I'm like, "I've BEEN in detention before, Trace."
So he's all, "Awesome! Then you know it's a total cakewalk, right?" Then he squats down beside Mikey, and put his cheek against his...giving me the same sad, pouty, adorably wicked look. He's like, "You'd wanna help me out, wouldn't you, Billy? So I could go home...and tend to my sweet ailing baby bro?"
It was SO unfair! Hehehe! The two of them have the same big brown Disney eyes...I couldn't say no. I told him, "I'd better not get caught. I'm practically still on probation from my birthday. Another screw up and my parents might ship me off to a Catholic orphanage somewhere."
He popped back up happily and said, "NO trouble! I promise! You'll see. Dude...you're the BEST! The next time you come over, I'm getting a fresh bottle of 'devil juice' just for you. Promise."
I was like, "I don't drink anymore, Trace..."
To which he responded, "Are you still using that line? Totally unnecessary at this point, don't ya think?" I started to say something, but before I even opened my mouth, he gave me a hug and said, "Thanks, Billy! You're awesome!"
He told Mikey to thank me too. "Thanks Billy." He smiled, and the two of them slid out of the side door before I was able to do so much as ask another question.
So yeah...I kinda had to stay after school today and sit in a room full of other kids sworn to silence for the entire time we were in there. They seemed to care just about as much as I did. Psh! Whatever. But I have to admit that I spent most of my time in there completely pissed, so time just flew by.
Why was I pissed? Well...
Ok, so I'm almost reaching the END of the school day, you know? I'm not only prepared to take a detention hit for Trace, but I'm almost kinda looking forward to it. I don't know why? Something different, I suppose. Anyway, so it's the period before last period, and as I'm waking down the hall, I see Sam leaning against the lockers....talking to Jimmy LaPlane!!! And I don't just mean 'talking' like...you know...whatever. But they're like giggling and shit. And I see Jimmy trying hard not to blush, but he's not too good at that, because I can totally see his cheeks turning red.
Now...this whole scenario shoots through me like a bolt of fucking LIGHTNING! Maybe I'm overreacting and being silly about this...but I saw that and was seriously HURT for some reason. Like...oh, I see...I'm not giving Sam what he wants, and now he's chatting it up with Jimmy behind my back? Is that what's happening now? Or am I making this up? Did I NOT go through this exact same scenario with AJ??? 'Gee, Billy...don't let him screw you whenever he feels like it, and all of the sudden he goes off and finds someone a little bit more willing to perform?' I KNOW that Jimmy is all goofy for my Sam. I KNOW he is! He TOLD me! But he wouldn't...I mean they wouldn't...ARRRGHHHH!!!
You know what's worse? Sam leaves without even seeing me in the hallway, but Jimmy does. And when he walks past me, he gives me the snottiest look EVER. And Jimmy's like, "Don't worry, Billy. We're 'just friends'. Sound familiar?" And then he walks the fuck away from me! I mean, are you KIDDING me??? Did he actually just say that shit to me? And what is Sam THINKING? And what....dammitt....sometimes I wanna punch a hole in the whole WORLD! You know?
So yeah...the rest of my day has been spent fuming over that little blemish on my afternoon.
You know what really sucks, though? It's the fact that I don't know if I'm any better. Which makes me even MORE suspicious. I mean...didn't I just break up with Lee for the same reason? He wasn't giving me what I wanted. So screw him....I'll just get somebody else who's cute and who's willing to be who I want them to be when I want them to be it. His feelings be damned. Deep down, I'm just as much of an asshole, I guess. So do I have the right to be just as hurt? Who knows? But I AM. I really *AM*! I just....I didn't give Sam the sex he wanted that ONE time! Is that enough to make him want to go off and flirt with somebody else?
The more I think about it, the more it bugs me. Should I ask him? Should I ask Jimmy? They're both pretty upset with me at the moment. I wouldn't be surprised if they both did it just to get back at me. Or...or...sighhhh...who knows?
I HATE thinking about these things!
You know what? I'm...I'm gonna leave it alone. I'm gonna end up punching a random stranger in the face if I keep recycling this in my thoughts for the rest of the night. I've got homework. And I'm about to write the angriest book report in teen angst history! So...wish me luck.
I just...wish this didn't hurt. He's supposed to be my best friend. :(
I had him. I actually had him. And now all he wants is somebody else because I screwed it all up.
I seem to be getting good at that.