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- I had a moment today that...kinda confused me. I mean, it was just this weirdness that I didn't expect to slam into me like that when it did.
I was going into one of the bathrooms this morning right after the 3rd period bell rang, and I happened to see Stevie in there all by himself. I literally came to a dead stop and was almost ready to turn around and walk right back out again. The LAST thing I needed was more Stevie torture, that was for damn sure. But when he raised his head and looked at me...his eyes were all red and swollen. I mean, he turned away from me as fast as he could, but he had obviously been crying. And crying a LOT from the looks of it. I sort of wanted to turn around and just...just leave. I was so unprepared for something like that to be a part of my day. And I was sure that he didn't want to talk to me anyway. Or even LOOK at me for that matter. But for some stupid reason, my feet just wouldn't move.
Stevie sniffled a little bit with his back to me, and I was totally frozen. After a couple of seconds, he sniffled again, and he said, "Well? Do what you've gotta do and get out." His voice was so...broken.
I was confused as hell, but as much as I wanted to just forget everything and leave...I dunno...I just had this really sympathetic moment where I just couldn't turn my back on him, you know? So, I was like, "Um...dude, are you alright?"
He snapped back at me and was like, "What the hell do you care? Just leave me alone, ok?"
Stevie sniffled again, and with a sigh, I walked over to the sink and got some paper towels to hand him. I don't know why I did it. Because somewhere in the back of my mind I was thinking, 'Fine, fuck you then! Have a good cry!' But...as much as I might have wanted to say that, I just didn't have the heart to kick a boy when he's down.
Stevie kinda rolled his eyes at me at first, but then he kinda snatched the paper towels and wiped his eyes and nose. He's like, "...Thanks..." But he didn't say anything else.
I kinda winced when I said it, but I was like, "Is there anything I can do to help?"
He says, "You can leave me alone. That would help a ton."
I'm like, "I'm not here to fight with you, Stevie."
And he's like, "Then why ARE you here?"
I said, "Believe it or not, public bathrooms are used for more than just standing in the middle of the room crying." I guess my frustration got the best of me, and my tone of voice was probably a little bit more harsh than I wanted it to be. So I added, "Look...if you really want me to go, I'll go. But...if you wanna to talk to somebody or..."
Then Stevie interrupts me, and he's like, "He told you to meet him here, didn't he? He's the one who told you to come in here."
I didn't have any idea what he was talking about. But before I could ask him what he meant by that, I heard the bathroom door open, and Brandon walked in. I think he was just as shocked to see me as I was to see him. We both were silent, and then Stevie looked up and more tears ran out of his eyes. He held out his arms and Brandon was quick to walk over and give him a loving hug around the waist while Stevie sobbed quietly on his shoulder. It was...just a really awkward feeling. I don't think I've ever experienced anything like it before. A part of me felt really bad for Stevie being so down, and another part of me felt weird about seeing Brandon and Stevie being so...'close'. Then again, Brandon kinda gave me a look like he didn't want me to be there. Or...I dunno, maybe he wasn't. Or maybe....fuck, I don't know. It was just weird!
Brandon was like, "I got your note. What's the matter? What happened?" And he was holding Stevie in his arms, and...still, I couldn't just leave.
Stevie was like, "They just won't leave me alone. I don't know why they keep calling me names and pushing me around, but it's getting worse every single day. I can't take this anymore..." He sniffled more and just held on to Brandon for dear life. For a second...Brandon's eyes met mine. I don't know what was going through his head at that moment, but even as he kissed Stevie on the forehead and rubbed his back to comfort him...his eyes were connected to mine. And I felt like I was intruding on a moment that really should be just between them. Not because Brandon wanted me gone....but...because it felt like he didn't want me gone. In fact, it almost felt like...my very presence was taking attention away from Stevie when he needed it most. And that just wasn't cool.
I noticed that Stevie was looking at me in the reflection of the mirror over the sink. Did he see me and Brandon exchanging looks over his shoulder? Oh God, I hope not. I turned away and told them, "Look...I should...I should go. I hope you feel better, Stevie. I mean that, k?" Stevie didn't answer me. He just held onto Brandon with both arms, and I sorta gave Brandon a silent wave as I walked out. Like I said, it was just a really strange experience and it left me feeling kind of confused about things. I couldn't explain the exact feeling if I tried. I just...(I can't believe I'm about to write this)...sighhhh, I hope Stevie and Brandon work this problem out, whatever it is. I guess Stevie isn't as 'off the radar' as he thought he was with his sexuality. And that can be a real problem in a place like this. High school isn't necessarily known for its forgiving atmosphere.
I just want him to be ok. After all the times I was praying for him to get run over by a fucking BUS...I genuinely want him to get through this. So, let this be my confession...
I'm rooting for you, Stevie.
There. I said it.
I saw Jimmy LaPlane a few times in the hall today, but he hardly had two words to say to me. He snubbed me twice and the third time he was just like, "Can't talk now." And walked away from me. I'm thinking...you know what? If he wants me to come clean about Lee, then fine. I'll tell him all the sexy details he could ever want. If he's just searching for a reason to hate me, then I'll give him one. But that's no reason to start hitting on my best friend. It's just not fair. I didn't steal Lee away from Jimmy. They had been broken up for a long time now. Hell, technically, except for the few times that they had sex, they weren't even really together. But fine. He wants to be miserable thinking about it...so let him be miserable. I just hope he realizes that he's just hurting himself. It's not like Lee was gonna stay off the market for the rest of his life, anyway.
Speaking of off the market, Bobby Jinette is getting some serious cold feet about this Ian guy. I kinda see him wanting to talk to me about it, but he also kinda holds back from doing so. I can't figure out why. I think Bobby really likes this guy, but he's really shy about talking about him. He hardly seems nervous at all when he's actually AROUND Ian, which is weird. But just mentioning his name makes Bobby lower his voice to a whisper. I was like, wow. He really IS infatuated with this boy. I think he's just afraid of getting hurt again, that's all. I can understand that. To be totally honest, I'm sorta thinking the same thing. Even though I'm extremely horny right now, maybe it's best if I just not be with anybody right now. After Lee, and messing up with Sam, and the Bobby situation, and Brandon and Stevie obviously mean a whole lot to each other...I think I should just step back for a little bit and not go for anybody at all.
Unless of course...Trace decides he wants me to bang him senseless! Hehehe! Then I'll make an exception! Just for Trace, though.
And maybe Jamie Cross, if him and Joanna have any problems.
And maybe...well no, just those two. No more. I'm stopping there. Hehehe!
Anyway, I've got no homework tonight, believe it or not. I'd normally go down the street to Sam's house and waste some quality time over there, but that's not gonna happen. I'm sure he'll cool down by the weekend, but only if I stay out of his face between now and then.
So, it looks like it's either video games or the internet. And video games don't have porn. Problem solved!
I'll write more later!