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- You know, sometimes I think that adults hold onto things for longer than your average teenager does. Or...do they? I don't know. I had some 'strangeness' happen with my dad tonight. The phone rang, and I guess he had something to talk to my mom about...and...I dunno...it was like...
...Like he never expected me to answer the phone. You know what's even worse? It was like...he had NOTHING to say to me. Like, at all.
Did it hurt? I don't know...I can't really say that it did. But I can't really say that it didn't hurt either. Was he still mad about me wanting to come home after living with him and his 'lady friend'? I mean...what did he expect? He treated me like a jerk the whole time that I was there. The only time he wasn't yelling at me or making me do chores was when I was tossing and turning on that crappy mattress, trying to get some sleep without paralyzing myself with a back injury before morning! I just...I wasn't happy there. I wasn't. I just...sighhh....well, I don't want him MAD at me. Whatever. Forget it.
It's not like he lives here anymore. Maybe I should take a lesson from Trace and just get used to him not being the dad that I used to know and love. Maybe he's just somebody else entirely. If it's gonna hurt more to hold on to him than it would be to let him go...then I'll just let him go.
I seem to be getting good at doing that lately....
Anyway, I think Sam is kinda coming around again. We didn't go to school together like usual, but we did talk in the hall a few times though. Sam always gets this really cute look in his eye when he starts to miss me. And he shrugs a lot too. Hehehe, it's adorable. And come on, who am I fooling? I miss him too. At this point, who could I possibly without my Sam in my life? He's still my sweet blond angel, conflicts and all. When you get that close to someone, it's like...they can do no wrong anymore. You know? It's weird. I think Sam could literally run me over with his mom's car, and we'd probably end up doubled over in laughter over it. What can I say? I love him. And I don't just mean in that troublesome 'friends with benefits' kinda way...I mean having him as a part of my life has been something that I've truly cherished from day one. He's a part of me. Probably forever. You get blessed with one, maybe two, people like that in your life. I'd be an idiot to throw that away over something as stupid as a few rolls in the hay.
Not that I'm not gonna be jacking off over it for the rest of my days! LOL! Who knows? Maybe we'll get horny at the same time again some day soon and go for another passionate sex-fest, but until then...seeing him smile is more than enough.
I saw Brandon in the halls two or three times today. He seems to be sticking to Stevie like glue now, after his little breakdown in the bathroom yesterday. Well...either that, or Stevie is sticking to him. Can't really tell which is which. It made it impossible for me to go over and say hello. I kinda wanted to ask Stevie if he was feeling better, but...I don't know. I kinda didn't want to bring it up. Or even speak for that matter. Somehow, I think that he'd take that to mean that I was trying to snatch his boyfriend away from him again. I'm really not. I mean, I can be man enough to leave them alone if that's what they both want. Don't get me wrong...Brandon was the greatest boyfriend that I ever could have had, and I'm still kicking myself for fucking it up. But it's not like I lack self control. Lingering feelings or not...Brandon and I were either meant to be together, or we weren't. Right now...I'm thinking we weren't. But who knows? Things change. Don't they?
Shouldn't have written that. It makes it sound like I want them to break up. I don't. I just...whatever. I'll stop now.
Yeah, I kinda talked to him on the phone today after school. I called him four times in a row, because he refused to pick up the first three times. And then he was all upset, like, "What??? What do you want?"
That kinda frustrated me right off the bat, but it also helped me say what I had to say. He wanted to be a fucking brat about this...so I told him, "You said you wanted to 'talk' about Lee, didn't you? Well, fine. This is me 'talking'."
He's like, "I thought you didn't have anything to tell me about you two. I thought you said you were just friends." Being all snotty and stuff.
So I said, "You wanted to hear this, so shut up and listen. FIRST of all, if I was holding back from telling you something like this, it's because I give a shit about your feelings and I was TRYING not to hurt you. But since you just figure that you can do or say whatever you want to me without conscience, my feelings be damned, I'll come clean. Lee and I were dating. DATING! You happy now?" There was silence on the phone. I don't think he actually expected me to come right out and say it, but he asked for it. I was like, "Lee and I were hanging out as friends, we kinda hooked up a few times, and we were together for about a month and a half. Then we broke up. That was it. It's not like he was cheating on you. It's not like I was seeing your boyfriend behind your back. You guys weren't even talking. You had, like, ONE conversation at my birthday party and that was it. So don't sit there and pretend to be heartbroken over this, because I didn't do anything wrong." Jimmy was still quiet. But I knew he was there, because I could hear him breathing. In fact...he was breathing a bit harder than before. You know, like...getting emotional. I honestly wanted to stay mad and just give him both barrels like he deserved, but...despite the way he treated me, I just couldn't see myself getting any enjoyment out of making somebody else feel like shit. I only end up feeling worse than they do in the end. I tried to keep a firm stance on this, and I said, "Lee wasn't gonna just be alone for the rest of his life, you know? He was single. He had been single for months, Jimmy." Still no answer. I softened my voice a little bit. "I didn't...I didn't steal him, ok? It just sorta...happened. We were just hanging out at first. I didn't plan on being...you know...boyfriends or anything." Nothing. But I did hear him sniffle this time. I'm like, "Jimmy?"
I heard Jimmy's voice, and it was soooo sad. He was like, "Did you sleep with him?"
Sighhh...I REALLY didn't want to answer that question. But it's not like he couldn't figure it out. A month and a half of dating was gonna result in SOME kind of sexual activity. Besides, I was already coming clean, so...I said, "Yeah. We...we did 'stuff'."
There were a few more sniffles on his end, and he said, "I'm sorry I was so mean to you." It completely came out of the blue, catching me by surprise. I stuttered for a moment, and he's like, "I guess I knew the whole time. When I mentioned him and you didn't say anything...right then I knew something was up."
Stunned, I was like, "Jimmy...honestly, I wasn't trying to hurt you..."
And he says, "I know, Billy. Nobody ever means to hurt me. Which baffles me, because it seems to happen all the time." Great, so that made me feel like dirt, and I tried to apologize to him, but he wouldn't let me. He was like, "You know...I just keep hoping that I'm gonna find that ONE person out there...that ONE boy on the planet who looks at me the way most boys look at you. Just...somebody who makes me smile, and makes me feel beautiful...and funny...and loved. You know? There's gotta be just ONE, right? ONE?"
His sniffles got worse, and I sat down on my bedroom floor, feeling really bad for him. I said, "There's plenty of boys out there that would love you, Jimmy. Seriously. He'll find you eventually."
Jimmy was like, "'Eventually'. Great. That sounds great. I'll just sit here alone and depressed until that day comes. How's that for pathetic?" I told him that it wasn't pathetic, but he just said, "Please, Billy...don't try to cheer me up right now, ok?"
I'm like, "Why not? I'm not gonna just sit here and let you feel like this."
He said, "Because it just makes you awesome, that's why. I really don't need to be reminded of another boy that I can't ever have." He blew his nose, and he was like, "I seem to just chase boys away from me, don't I? I mean, what's wrong with me?"
I told him, "There's NOTHING wrong with you, Jimmy. You jus have to find somebody that's gonna treat you the way you want to be treated. Somebody that can talk to you, and make you laugh, and cares about your problems...somebody that will bend over backwards to make you happy. You can't just look for somebody. You should look for the RIGHT somebody, you know? And any boy that doesn't realize that he totally hit the freakin' JACKPOT by having a sweetheart like you in his life...then he doesn't deserve you. Period."
He was quiet again for a few seconds, and then he says, "You have the uncanny ability to really touch people's heart, you know that?" I wasn't sure how to take that. I guess I just wished that Jimmy could get a break. His heart has been through so much this year. The fact that he hasn't completely collapsed shows a strength that I doubt he even notices in himself. He's like, "I really am sorry, ok? I don't know what I was doing, I just...I was upset. I think I was more down on myself than anything else. Alex won't even talk to me, and I feel like I screwed up, and now I'm alone again. I guess I just needed something to cry about. Maybe I pushed you to give me a reason. That wasn't cool of me."
I said, "Forget it, man. I totally get it. It's old news already."
Jimmy said, "Well, now I feel even worse. Now that you're being so nice about all this."
I said, "Awww...do you want a blowjob? I can come over if you want."
There was a gasp between tears, and Jimmy suddenly started giggling madly. I could practically feel the heat of his blush through the phone. "BILLY!!! Jesus...hehehe...don't say things like that to me!"
I'm like, "It got you to smile, didn't it?" He giggled a bit more, and I told him, "You're not alone. K? You've always got me. We'll find you a boy to love. Somebody that's gonna be MUCH better suited to you than AJ ever was! A sex machine that'll throw you up on the kitchen table and wear you out, baby!"
He grinned and told me, "That sounds like a plan to me." And he gave me a 'thanks' with a shaky voice. It was really sweet, and...I guess telling him the truth didn't turn out to be as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I can't say that it went 'smoothly', but it's not like he threw himself out in front of a truck either. I asked him if he'd be ok, and he told me that he just needed to get himself together. I told him that we should have lunch together tomorrow, and he was all for it. So I hope it helps. Jimmy's really cute, and he's got a heart of gold hiding in there somewhere. Finding him someone new should be easy. I thought about it before, but then AJ jumped into his life like some sort of homosexual boogeyman! This time, we'll do it right. No more lame boyfriends for Jimmy. And no more for ME either, while I'm thinking about it.
Just think about it...if me and Jimmy joined forces and went out cruising for boys...who could stop us? Hehehe, we'd be total PIMPS in this town! Hahaha!
About five minutes later, Jimmy wanted to get off of the phone. I think he was still a little embarrassed about the whole situation. But it's not like I was gonna hold a grudge or anything. But just as he was about to hang up, he said, "Billy? I was...I was just kidding about Sam. I mean, you know that right?" I have to admit, it was a relief. But I told him not to worry about it, and said goodnight. When I think about it...if Jimmy had sex with Sam while we weren't talking to each other...I probably wouldn't have been in tears too. Was I out of line by dating Lee? I didn't think so. But...yeah, if the roles were reversed, it would have torn my heart in half. Live and learn, I suppose.
I've gotta go. But I think I'm gonna write Brandon a quick note to ask about Stevie. Just...you know...to let him know that I care. It's not much, but I hope it counts for something.
Brandon...God, I miss that boy sometimes.