- Okaaaaay....I just spent the last several minutes looking at myself dance in the mirror. Um...that is not what dancing looks like in the music videos on MTV, that's for sure. What am I, retarded? You'd think that hearing music with a good beat to it would just, like, force your body to move in a logical way that would keep you from being totally humiliated in public. Evidently that isn't the case. I never thought of myself as an expert dancer or anything, but in my mind I always thought that I looked a little better than...well....than THAT! Don't ever watch yourself dance in the mirror...it's never what you think it's gonna be. Sighhhh....well, at least ONE good thing will come out of all of this. Once Joanna sees me dance this Friday night, she'll never ask me to take her to a dance ever again.
Something frustrating happened in the library today. I sat down next to Brandon, who was actually happy to see me for a change, and we were engaging in a little small talk. It was like I could feel him warming up to me all over again while he talked, and it was awesome. Again...it was those little details that made Brandon outrageously cute to me at all times, and I was truly enjoying being around his cheerful presence, you know? As we talked, his voice would get a little more audible, his smile would be a little less timid, his answers would go from one or two words to short phrases, and then to full sentences. The more comfortable that he got around me, the more those microscopic changes in his already adorable personality would arouse me inside. Not so much in a sexual way, but more like my emotions would heat up and I'd just stare at him with this really warm feeling in my chest. It just.....it made you feel light headed sometimes, you know? I think Brandon was the first boy that I've been this crazy over since Jamie Cross. (Ouch! I can't believe I just said that! I take it back! Jamie, you know you're my number one forever! I LOVE YOU!!!)
Then...in the middle of our conversation...Brandon asks me, "So I hear you're dating Joanna now? Are you taking her to the dance?" ARRRRGHHHH!!! I don't know why I didn't expect him to know about Joanna. Especially with the overactive rumor mill in this place. But having him ask me about her made me feel so.....so helpless. Here I was, staring lovingly into his perfect eyes, and perfect lips, and perfect...FACE...and the whole time he's thinking, 'hey, look at the straight boy with a stupid girlfriend'. I hope the disappointment didn't show on my face when I answered with a yes. But I tried to change the subject as quickly as I could. Don't want him thinking I'm TOO 'unavailable'...JUST in case, you know? Anyway, that wasn't the frustrating part.
You see...Sam comes walking into the library while me and Brandon are talking, and basically sits down with the intention of interrupting everything. I'm serious! I think he purposely wanted to wreck our conversation entirely! WHY??? He started out appearing friendly enough, but it wasn't real. I could tell. Brandon got uncomfortable again almost instantly. And after one or two thinly veiled 'comments' directed towards him from a smugly smiling Sam, he felt totally unwanted. I just couldn't understand it! Why the hell was Sam being so mean? Brandon was clearly beginning to get as fed up with him as I was, but being the humble cutie that he was...he was biting his tongue. Even if it was only for my benefit. Sam, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. He already had it in his head that Brandon didn't like him, that he had been giving him dirty looks in the halls over the past few weeks. Sam had a much more confrontational personality, and the mere scent of 'dislike' on someone seemed to set him off into a not-so-subtle retaliation against whatever he thought Brandon was ready to bring him. The second Sam thinks you don't like him, he's gonna give you a ton of shit to double your reason for feeling that way. It was a 'fuck you', knee-jerk, reaction that was simply a part of who he was. So, with a snotty attitude and a few more rude interruptions, Sam had won his stupid little battle. Brandon rolled his eyes and had taken all he could take. So he gathered his books and softly said he had to go before excusing himself. He looked so hurt, almost as if we had BOTH set him up for the embarrassment. Even while I was defending him, trying to get Sam to back off and leave him alone, I couldn't protect him from the venom Sam was spitting his way. DAMMIT! Brandon was the kind of boy that wore his heart on his sleeve. His emotions were always on the surface where people could easily stab at them if they wanted to. I felt so incredibly bad about it that I was almost tempted to shout out and run after him.
I'm not sure what the FUCK is wrong with Sam these days other than he felt the need to be an asshole...but I couldn't stand to even LOOK at him for the rest of the day! Fuck him! I give him another chance, and he pulls THIS shit? Well, I was disgusted, and I asked him why he was being such a jerk. Sam says I'm turning into some kind of dork these days. ME!!! "First Simon, then Jimmy, now Brandon? What's with you anyway? You building a 'math olympics' team, or what?" He says. Oh...like being around HIM would make me any cooler! Why does he care anyway, Sam's been my best friend for like...forever. It's not like I've been neglecting him or anything for crying outloud. So where's the 'competition' in me having other friends? Then Sam crossed the line, and I had to leave. He said, "You spend more time talking to them than you do your own girlfriend. It's so gay." It was like having a shard of glass stabbed into both sides of my heart simultaneously when he said that. Out of all the years that I've known him, I don't think I was ever more hurt by a comment that he tossed in my direction. Ever. It hurt so much that it turned to this angry reaction almost instantly...and I swear to God I almost HIT him! I held back though, and just stared at him while my heart broke right in front of him. My 'best friend'. Whatever.
After that, I didn't say anything. I just got up and left the Library. He tried to ask me what was wrong, but I didn't even look back to acknowledge that I had heard him. It was like he didn't even know what he had just said to me! A part of me wanted to rip the lockers down from the wall and tear that whole damn school apart. And another part of me just wanted to hide in some dark corner under the stairs, curl up in the fetal position, and cry until the pain went away. Why did it hurt so much to hear Sam say that? I don't know. Maybe because it was true. Maybe because he was starting to figure things out about me. Maybe because that was the final confirmation that my little subliminal crush on him...an infatuation that I had been holding on to for years now...was a big waste of my fucking time. Who knows what the real reason was? All I know is that I couldn't even lift my head to look him in the eye at that moment. And that he had used one small phrase to hurt me more than I've been hurt in a long long time.
The idea of ever forgiving him for that remark was a long way from becoming a reality, if ever. That was it. That was the statement that might have lessened everything I've ever had with my so called best friend on Earth.
He tried to call tonight to say he was sorry. And then wrote me an email to say it again. But I think it hurt more to hear him say he was sorry than anything else. I didn't want to get over it just yet. I didn't want to see him as a good guy or a friend at that moment. I really needed to hate him for a little while.
How long? Who knows? But a while....
- It wasn't hard at all to give Sam the cold shoulder today. In fact, it got easier every minute of the day. When you first start turning your back on someone, you get this jittery feeling in your gut. It almost feels wrong somehow, no matter how angry you are. The only thing that really keeps it going is stubborness. Stubborness, and the idea that your efforts are really making the other person feel like shit! Good for him. That's what he gets. Now he knows how it feels. Right?
Then, once you get the hang of it...it gets easier. And you just ignore them completely. You get to be a professional about it, and the anger builds the more he tries to figure out ways to get beyond it. When Sam said.....what he said...yesterday, I think it 'broke' a part of our relationship with one another. I honestly do. That stung. But I'll be damn if I just let it slide this time. If nothing else, he needs to learn how to treat the people in my life. Including Jimmy, Brandon, Simon, everybody. I won't stand for this silly little childish game of 'who is cool and who isn't' anymore. Brandon, thankfully, seemed to not hold it against me. He gave me a note today in the hall, and told me NOT to open it under any circumstances until I got home. So naturally I opened secretively in my locker about ten minutes later. Hey...it was from Brandon! He's too cute and I'm too curious to put it on hold until later. Anyway, I read it (He has REALLY cute handwriting, by the way! It's so small and perfect, I almost sighed just looking at it and thinking about the fact that he actually wrote it to ME with his own hand), and it wasn't any big revealing message or anything. Basically, it was just him saying that he was sorry about coming between me and Sam, and that he's been going through some things lately, and didn't know how to deal with them just yet. Awww...poor baby. That sucks. He just hoped everything was ok between us. It was really sweet and he was being extremely cool about it, but since he was so clandestine about the whole thing, I was really hoping for some big gay confession or something. Wishful thinking on my part, I suppose. But it wasn't like it was his fault. Sam was getting what he deserved, and that was that. Nuff said. I couldn't help but give an infatuated whimper over such a sweet gesture though. He may be straight, but that Brandon is going to make some girl an EXCELLENT boyfriend someday.
That was about it for the day. Joanna has been getting extra clingy lately since I agreed to take her out on Friday night, but it wasn't really abnormal or anything. She HAS, however, made it a habit of kissing me on the cheek when we part ways while walking to class. Which I can't complain about, because it feels good. I just wasn't sure where the affection was coming from all of the sudden. Because she wasn't this 'touchy feely' before. I guess it's just because she thinks I'm HOT! Hehehe!
Damn...I'll never get used to saying that!
I've gotta go. But I'm gonna fold up Brandon's letter and put it in this book to keep for always. It's much too awesome to throw away. I always want to remember him for the beautiful soul that he is. So with a kiss...I deem this the first concrete outside addition to the book.
- DAMMIT!!! Fucking fucked up school and their fucking PHONE CALLS!!! FUCK!!!!
My teacher actually CALLED MY HOUSE today! SHIT! Needless to say, my parents now know about the test I flunked last week! They're really angry right now, and I have to keep this quick before they realize I'm still awake in here! Shit...I can't believe my teacher actually took time out to screw up my life over one stupid test! The only thing postponing my punishment right now is the fact that my mom and dad actually began to fight with EACH OTHER as soon as things got heated. I don't think I've ever been so happy to be sent to my room. Ok...so here's a quick breakdown of what happened today...
I talked to Brandon briefly, but he didn't have much to say about the note he gave me. I told him that it was Sam's fault and not his, which seemed to make him feel a little bit better...but not much. So I think that situation might be all worked out.
Jimmy was in the bathroom again today when I saw him. I don't think he was crying this time though, which was a good thing. What's weird is I think he was just staring at himself in the mirror. Not for grooming purposes or anything, just...staring.
I asked him, "Dude...are you ok?"
And he says, "Do you ever feel like you just don't belong here?"
And I'm like, "Here, as in school?"
And he's really quiet, but I think he said, "Here, as in...anywhere." I didn't know what the hell to say to something like that. Didn't even know what he was talking about, really. But then he just shook his head and said, "You know what? Forget it. It's nothing."
I can't help it. Looking closer at him and his actions...Jimmy really IS a weirdo sometimes. He mentioned not being in school yesterday, and I hate to say it, but I didn't even notice that he had ditched. He said that was ok, he didn't expect me to notice. But I was still cool with him anyway. I really do have to get him something nice one of these days. You know....just to say thanks for being a good guy. Maybe I will. It'll surprise him. I think he'd like that.
Joanna is trying to coordinate what we're wearing to the dance, and getting places and times together for everybody to meet up. Both Lee and Ted are going with us. Ted is bringing a girlfriend, but Lee is going solo. He always did. Lee is one of those boys that would never let something like that bother him. He has more fun on his own anyway, and I like that. Besides, he's extremely pretty to look at, you know? So I know I'll have friends there, and that means I'll have someone to talk to when Joanna gets tired of watching my lame attempts to dance with her. Not a bad deal. One more day...I hope I don't get last minute jitters right before we leave. I'll be a basket case all night long tomorrow.
Shit...my mom and dad are raising their voices now. I'd better go. I hate to hear them fight, but for right now...it's better they yell at each other than at me. I'm sure to catch hell for my screw up this weekend, but I'm in no rush, believe me.
I'm going to get in my bed and put my headphones on. I'll write more later. Seeya!