- I had a really CLOSE call today that I was totally not expecting! I mean...I never really though about the idea of having to keep a low profile just being out and about on a Saturday afternoon...but maybe I should rethink that a little bit more. Hehehe! Not that it was really a BAD situation. Don't get me wrong, now that I look back on it, I'm sure that I'll be grinning over it a few days from now. But for now, it's kinda got my head spinning around in circles. Hopefully for no other reason than it caught me by surprise.
First off, though, let me write this down before I forget...
It started this morning when I got an email from Bobby Jinette where he seemed to really be on edge about things with this Ian guy. I guess Bobby was really looking forward to talking to him today, but something came up and he couldn't make it. I think he should just calm down, personally. I mean, shit happens. It's no big deal. But his email was super stressed out, talking about whether or not Ian liked him and wondering if he should keep pursuing this or just let it go. He felt worried, then he felt silly for being worried, then he felt vulnerable for feeling silly about being worried....I swear, this email just went on and on as if he was writing it more for himself than for me. Hehehe, he might as well have had a Billy Chase journal of his own. I doubt he even needed me to listen, much less participate.
I remember how that felt though. Not knowing how to tell someone you really want to be with that you like them. Heh...I went back and reread some of the stuff I wrote before about trying to get close to Brandon and...hehehe, wow! Boy was I a wreck of a human being back then. But even after all the anguish and hurt feelings that confusing period of my life caused me...they're still some of the most amazing memories that I have. I wouldn't trade that nervousness, that excitement, that topsy turvy chaos of heart bursting bullshit...for ANYTHING in the world. To be honest...
...I kinda miss it.
Anyway, so Bobby wants me to give him advice on how to go about hooking up with Ian once and for all. Hehehe, as though I'M any expert on that kinda thing. Even getting together with Bobby was more his doing than mine. I would have chickened out for sure. What happened to the Bobby Jinette that was inviting me over to his house while his parents were out of town and started dry humping me on his bedroom floor? God, I can't believe that I remember that. Hehehe! Actually, now that I think about it, Bobby was pretty nervous our first time doing it too.
Writing this just made me really horny for him again. First time in ages. Is my sense of self control nonexistent or what? That's just weird.
Anyway, Bobby was like, "So what do I do? I mean, can I just like...ask him out? Can I do that? He doesn't know that I like boys or anything, but I'm gonna have to tell him eventually, aren't I? But if I make it look like I just wanna 'hang out', is that gonna make it seem like I'm not interested? Is HE interested? Awww, Billy...how do you guess at things like this???" Hahaha! He was being really cute about this whole thing. I'll writ him back tonight and see if he wants to talk tonight or something. I think Bobby and Ian would make a really sweet couple if everything works out for them. He seems like a nice guy. I don't know for sure myself, but as cute as he is, I can see why Bobby would be so infatuated with him.
Hang in there, Bobby! I'll help if I can! We'll talk later...
Ok, so...me and Jimmy went to the mall together today. And let me just say that I actually had a GREAT time hanging out with him! Not that I didn't have fun hanging out with Jimmy before, but I always kind of expect him to be quiet and shy and stuff...and today, he really wasn't. Well, not the whole time, anyway. Once you get Jimmy to feel comfortable and open up, he's almost like this completely different person. He's FUN! You know? He talks to me, and jokes around, and laughs...he can be this really special, social, person when he wants to be. And that just makes being around him a good time. Hehehe, who knew?
I think he was still kinda doubting that I'd even show up and keep my word until I actually rang his doorbell this morning. He was already blushing when he invited me in. I got to see his mom again for the first time since Jimmy was in the hospital. She seemed overjoyed to see me still hanging around as a close friend after all Jimmy had been through. Maybe she just guessed me for being a big 'sympathy kid' who would exit the picture once Jimmy got better. I wonder if anybody else did that? I mean...how cruel would that be? It didn't seem like it bothered him much, but except for his usual group of femme fatales, Jimmy didn't seem to hang out with much of anybody from school anymore. Well, except for talking to Sam every now and then. I think he really enjoyed the male bonding, if you can call it that.
At one point, while I was waiting for Jimmy to put his shoes on, I noticed him staring at me with this really dreamy gaze. I was like, "Hehehe! What? Are you ok?"
And he says, "I just...sighhh...you're really cool for this, Billy. Thanks."
I'm like, "Umm...it's not like I'm doing you a favor here, Jimmy. We're going to the mall. BOTH of us! Come on, let's have some fun. Quit being a dork."
He agreed, and we left together. Jimmy insisted on paying my way on the bus for some reason. Hahaha! Don't know why? It's not like we were on a date or anything. But he was just..beyond grateful. I have to admit to entertaining an ego moment or two (or TEN!) while we were out there today. You know.....before 'you know what' happened.
Ugh, ok...so let me explain...
Jimmy and I went from store to store in that place, just laughing and having a good time for like two HOURS today! He kept saying how great it was to not be shopping with a bunch of girls where he had to stand around in clothes shops and shoe stores, trying to come up with a variety of creative ways to say 'It looks FINE! Just buy it already!'. I can understand that totally. Just being with my mom on a weekend trip to the mall, I knew by the age of 8 that if I wanted to escape the most unbelievably TORTUROUS form of boredom..I had to ditch her immediately upon entering the mall and go my own way before she found a reason to handcuff me to her side for the rest of her super monotonous 'girly' shopping experience. I could respect that. But after a while, we went to the food court and got ourselves a couple of trays full of greasy teen boy sustenance. Hehehe, something ELSE he was thankful for. Evidently, the girls wouldn't let him eat that stuff anywhere near him.
You know, Jimmy didn't really seem all that stereotypical at all when it came to him being gay. Then again, neither did I. Or Bobby. Or any of the boys I've known about. Maybe Stevie and Randall a little bit, but it wasn't as over the top as the stuff you see sprawled out all over TV programs and the like. We were just...'normal'. Why can't people just look at us and see us as normal people just like everybody else? They suck for being so brainwashed.
We were almost finished eating, and Jimmy's eyes were half closed in this total junk food high, you know? Hahaha! He was totally satisfied, and sipping on a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast soda. It made me smile to see him so happy. But after a few seconds, he got a bit more serious, and he says to me, "Billy....do you mind if I ask you a personal question? You can say no if you want to, but it's kinda...stuck in my mind right now."
I'm like, "Sure. I guess so. What's up?"
And he's like, "Well...I mean...I'm sorry if this seems weird, but..." He took another sip, and then put his drink down to look me in the eye. "...You said that you and Lee broke up, right? I mean...what happened? I'm sorry if I'm being a jerk or something, I just...I was curious."
I was like, "You're not being a jerk, Jimmy. Really." But then I made sure to ask him, "Are you sure you wanna know?"
He was like, "Hehehe, no. But I'm hoping you'll tell me anyway." Which was a typical Jimmy LaPlane answer. So I told him.
I was like, "Well...it's not like Lee was a bad guy. I mean, you know that already, right?" Jimmy agreed right away. So I was all like, "It's just...he wasn't...I mean...I just wanted him to be more...." It was hard to put into words, but Jimmy was hanging on my every word, so I was like, "...I thought he'd be more 'into' me. You know what I mean? Like...does that sound selfish?"
Jimmy perked up immediately. He said, "OMIGOD!!! was the SAME way when I was with him! I, like...wanted to matter to him, you know? I wanted him to just...SAY something. Something sweet. Something cool. Something funny. And he never did. It was like he was scared to talk to me and really tell me what was on his mind. So he always blocked me out and stopped talking to me altogether. I never understood why saying something something so simple made him sooooooo uncomfortable."
My eyes widened, and I said, "YES!!! Thank you!! I mean...I gave him sooo many chances to just..tell me what was on his mind, and he never took a single chance. He kept avoiding me and cutting me off and keeping me at arm's length....it just got to be annoying after a while. I mean, I worked my ASS off to prove that I was worthy of him putting his trust in me....but I guess it wasn't enough. So everything that we did together was really...'sterile' and 'distant'...and after a while, I just didn't get anything out of it after a while."
Jimmy said, "I know what you mean. I am so glad that I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Because I thought I was being selfish and demanding about the whole thing. So I kept my mouth shut. Like you said, Lee isn't a bad person. Not at all. He just...he refuses to 'connect' with anybody. He's soooooo scared that I'm gonna do something awful to him that I can't even get close enough to show him some affection every once in a while. It becomes a 'chore', you know? I don't want love to be a chore. I want it to be fun for both of us. Do I totally suck for saying that?"
I said, "Hell, no! I was thinking the exact same thing. I tried to be more..I dunno...agressive about things so he wouldn't have to initiate everything all the time. But that didn't work either. He just distanced himself even more than he did before. So after a while, I just stopped trying to make any advances at all, since he wasn't going to accept them. Or even DENY them, for that matter. He'd just ignore me altogether. And once I stopped being intimate with him, and he stopped being intimate with me...it was like...why the hell are we even DOING this? Because we're obviously not having fun anymore. We're not being satisfied. Well, at least *I* wasn't. And that doesn't make him a bad person...but....." I hated to say it, but I finished the sentence anyway. "...But I just got really bored with being pushed soooooo far to the edge of his life that I couldn't even 'feel' his emotion anymore. I'm like...if he's so scared of me, then...maybe he should just stay scared, you know? Just...stay in his safe little box and not try to be somebody's boyfriend. Because I've BEEN somebody's boyfriend before, and they didn't treat me like this. Not a single one of them. It just gets to be tiresome after a while."
I realized that I was talking too much, and apologized to Jimmy for monopolizing the conversation. Which he denied totally and told me it was ok. Then he's like, "You know...with me and Alex, or...AJ...I always knew that he wouldn't stick around. I mean, I had fun and all, but...he was too good for me, Billy. I just knew that he was gonna find somebody else much better than me to make up for all the places where I was lacking. I always knew that he'd rather be with one of them instead of me. They can give him what he wants, you know? It was inevitable, I guess."
I was seriously APPALLED by this! I told him, "JIMMY!!! Jesus! STOP that!!!"
He was actually surpised by my reaction. Like....REALLY? He's like, "WHAT? It's the truth! I just...I suck as a boyfriend. I suck at everything."
I wanted to choke the liing shit out of him for saying that. I told him, "You DON'T suck at everything! Jesus, Jimmy! Don't you know that you affect your psyche every time you say some bullshit like that out loud? seriously, stop it. You're awesome just like you are. AJ was...into something else. He has his own flaws and hang ups and bullshit that keeps him from being the boyfriend that you deserve. So dump him and fucking move on! And Lee? Lee is...he's cute and he's sweet and all...but he's in the exact same category. He's too damn SCARED to be a boyfriend to somebody, so he sits and cowers in a corner while expecting me to do all the work and kiss his ass and make all of the moves while he sits back and decides whether or not he wants to accept my affection or completely fucking IGNORE it and shoot me down by not talking to me anymore. And you know what??? I deserve better than that! *YOU* deserve better than that! So why even sit here thinking about them? I'll bet you that they're too selfish and egocentric to sit at some table talking about how to make *US* happy by leaving their precious little comfort zone. So why should WE give them the extra courtesy? FUCK em!!!" Jimmy cringed and giggled from my comment, but I said it again to make sure that he got the message. "I MEAN it, Jimmy!!! *FUCK* em!!! When they decide to think about how much their 'distance' truly HURTS other people...then they can talk to us again. Until then...Lee is brushing me off like a piece of trash that he doesn't need. AJ is doing the same to YOU. And they're not gonna learn any different until they reaize how much we actually cared for them out of the kindness of our hearts. Maybe they'll realize it today, maybe tomorrow, maybe ten years from now when they're sad and depressed over not taking advantage of a good thing when they had it staring them in the face. But, let me tell you...if Lee doesn't figure it out before I find somebody else who's willing to openly tell me how he feels and will support me and love me and satisfy me.....then he's gonna end up missing this opportunity. Because I'm not gonna wait around for him to grow the fuck up. And you should take the SAME stance with AJ, Jimmy! I mean it. It's NOT your fault! You wanted love and affection...and he can't provide it because he's too worried about....whatever. So DUMP him!!! Dump him and move on! If he wants to be alone, then let him be alone. If he doesn't want to share his true heart with anybody...he doesn't have to. You're CUTE, Jimmy! you don't have to put up with that kind of bullshit! You can get another boyfriend tomorrow. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. But at least you won't have to worry all the time about being pushed off of someone that you're trying to show a genuine love for. If A has trouble accepting your love, if Lee would rather ignore your affection than accept it...even if it's for a totally harmless reason...then fuck 'em. It's not your PROBLEM, ok? It's their problem. Either they're willing to give you 100% of their heart, or they're not. And if they're not....what makes you think that anything you do for them is gonna be worth the effort? NOTHING will ever break down their barriers. So...just....love them as a 'friend', and go find you a boy that will be EVERYTHING that you want him to be. Someone who's wiloing to give back what you put in. Ok?" I said. Then repeated, "OK?????!!!"
The thing is, it wasn't until Jimmy started laughing at me that I realized how angrily and how forcefully I had been preaching to him about this. He raised his hands in the air and bowed down to me with a grin. He was like, "Ok, ok, Sir, Billy. I give! Hehehe, I give! Geez!"
I was like, "Sorry. But I've been the victim of being 'Mr. I Do EVERYTHING' and getting rejected and totally ignored for it for sooooolong that I HATE to see someone I care about go through the same thing, you know? It sucks. It just plain sucks. People need to get their heads out of their asses and ask themselves how their fucked up actions actually affect the feelings of the people around them instead of being so self centered al the time. AJ was a real dick to you, Jimmy. He would accept you doing that to HIM. So why should you deal with it? Everything that he did to hurt you, would hurt him if you did the same. So qit being made out to be the victim. Stand your ground. You're AWESOME, Jimmy. I mean that. Don't let him make you feel like any of this is your fault. It's HIS fault. Either he wants to give you something worthy of you sticking around to be his boyfriend....or he doesn't. And if he doesn't..then fucking LEAVE him and move on. FUCK AJ!!!" I aid. And it was probably louder than it should have been. But whatever. I meant every word.
Jimmy laughed at me again, and he was like, "Omigod, Billy! Are you BITTER, or what? Hahaha! I've never seen you like this."
I'm like, "I'm sorry. really. I just...some people think the world owes them 99% of all the 'attention' is out there, and they can give 1% back and that's enough. But it's not. That was Lee's major problem. It's a LOT of people's problems. My PARENTS broke up because they couldn't balance out who was 'giving' all they had and who was 'taking' all they had. A relationship can't be one person's responsibility. And the destruction of a relationship can't be one person's fault either. It's 50/50. If the other person can't even FORCE themselves to be an equal part of a relationship, then they're not ready. Let them stay completely and utterly alone until they are. That's what *I* say. If all they care about is their safety from being hurt...then stay safe. I'd rather fuck somebody who will enjoy it!" I laughed with that last part, and Jimmy laughed with me. More out of shock than anything else. Then he high fived me over the table.
He said, "AMEN!!! I'm with you!!!" He pushed his drink and his tray aside, and took me by the hand. He was like, "Here's to you and me finally finding boyfriends who give a fuck about what WE want!!!" Hahaha, it's rare that I hear Jimmy drop an 'F' bomb on me. If Jimmy says the word 'fuck'....it HAS to be something truly SERIOUS!!! So it instantly caught my attention! I agreed, and we made a pact to find ourselves a few boys in the near future who wouldn't be so aloof, so complicated, so absent, or so high maintenance. And you know what...I think that I found a new respect for my position as a single boy through Jimmy LaPlane today. I mean really...what was I holding back for? Who was I being faithful too? The world was OURS! Let's just go out and talk to some hotties and see what happens? You know? I've got nothing holding me down. Nothing to stay faithful too. Certainly not Sam. I can talk to Sam and be friends and nothing else. I can be friends with Lee and nothing else. Friends with Jimmy, and Bobby Jinette, and still fuck whoever I want. It's not like their offering me a reason not to!Hehehe!
GOD...I should have been hanging out with Jimmy all along! He's truly shown me the light in all this!
And THAT.....is when things got weird!
I swear to God, my right hand on a Bible, I saw Jimmy's face change right in front of me! And when I looked back over my shoulder, I saw a sight that truly shook me to my very CORE!!!!
It was Lee....AND Joanna....AND Jamie Cross......AND Randall.....ALL in the fucking mall together!!! Like, at the same time!!! It was fuckin' FREAKY!!! I had totally forgotten about Joanna's trips to the mall every Saturday! And to see her there with my ex, HIS ex boyfriend, and the ever irresistable Jamie Cross...it was like ARMAGEDDON in the pit of my stomach! Prolly in Jimmy's too! Because we were both totally outdone by that! It's like...neither one of us expected this major offensive on our privacy in any way known to man! So we were stuck with...how to deal with it. Because it was WAY too late to hide!
And THAT was the major catastophe of my day! Seriously!!! Because they actually came to our table and said hello! Like...ALL of them!!!
Jimmy was shy and bashful around everybody, which was pretty much what I expected of him. But in my mind...I was going CRAZY with this new sudden development!!! The whole damn encounter was the most awkward situation that I've been involved in for AGES now!!! I remember being totally terrified as they approached our table! COMPLETELY terrified!!!
And you wanna know why? It was mostly because of Jamie cross. He's been my Holy grail of boys since I was old enough to notice how fucking HOT he was!!! But...that has always been a secret fantasy of mine and nothing else. You know? Imagining us having hottie sex together! Hehehe! But I had to ask myself...does Jamie cross now 'know' about me??? I mean...he knows about Jimmy, right? And Lee knows about Randall, and randall knows about Lee! And they BOTH know about me! And Joanna DEFINITELY knows about me! But....does Jamie???? DOES HE???? Because I KNOW he knows about Jimmy!!! And we're there together!!! TOGETHER!!!! On a Saturday afternoon! What does THAT say? I got super quiet too!
then Jimmy and Lee talked a little bit, and randall talked to me a little bit...but the whole time I was focused on Jamie and Joanna. And a bit on Lee, because he was giving me this weird look like....like I had dumped him for JIMMY or something! And I really DIDN'T!!! I swear! I just....I didn't...I wanted to just spend a day at the mall with Jimmy! That's all!
Anyway...we all only talked for a little bit, and we just...we....
I don't wanna talk about it. Long story short...Lee looked at me as though I was CHEATING on him with Jimmy LaPlane! Joanna looked at me as though I had a brand new boyfriend, and Randall did the the same! And Jamie Cross???? The love of my fucking LIFE??? He was being cool the whole time that he was standing there...but I know for a fact that he's gonna ask questions about me and Jimmy the second he left my sight! I just KNEW it!!!!
So that only worked to make things even MORE awkward than before. And even though the whole encounter lasted for about 6 minutes total (yes....I counted)...it still had a huge impact on me for some reason. And I can't figure out why. I just....sigghhhhhh.....I just missing being 'important' to somebody. You know...in that way. It's been a long time. A really, REALLY, long time! So I'm....I'm just going through the motions. Besides...the one boy on earth I really give a damn about, doesn't give a damn about me. So all of those things I was shouting at Jimmy in frustration...I'm gonna make sure that it goes for me too. From now on. Life is too short to play games. It really is!
Ok, I'm getting upset now. I just...I had a clash of cultures today, and I know that it's gonna take me WEEKS to straighten it all out again! So wish me luck! K? Seriously....wish me luck!
Gotta run. seezya soon! Laters!