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- That SNEAKY, low down, son of a bitch!!! Omigod, as if my mind wasn't twisted up with enough drama at the moment...now I've gotta deal with THIS???
You know what happened today? Brandon actually called my house tonight. That was a surprise in itself, but he just wanted to talk to me for a little bit. I'd still do anything short of jump off of a bridge for him, so I was like, "Sure." Right? Well just guess what he tells me tonight?
I guess he spent the afternoon with Stevie yesterday, and the two of them were talking about maybe getting some help for his bullying problem by going to the office or something. I mean the school has to do something, right? Anyway, Stevie doesn't want to go that route and he's acting like it's just gonna 'go away'. Whatever. It's up to him. But THEN...the conversation moves to me being in the bathroom that one day while he was in the crying, and they were talking about it, and Stevie tells Brandon that I'm still trying to win him back for myself! What the....??? That's TOTALLY not true!
Brandon actually said, "Yeah, Stevie told me that you said you were going to steal me away from him the very next chance you got, and that it only made him feel worse about what was going on. He said you practically laughed at him for crying over something so silly."
I was fucking OUTRAGED! I couldn't even SPEAK at first! The shock was actually that strong. Not only was I angry, but I was TOTALLY humiliated at the same time. Because I didn't know if Brandon had any reason not to believe him. I swear, if Stevie had been standing within choking range, I would have squeezed his throat until his eyeballs popped out! I was like, "Omigod...Brandon....dude, you HAVE to believe me...I *NEVER* said anything like that to Stevie! I swear to God! I would NEVER do that! He's LYING, Brandon, ok? I swear..."
I was seriously overcome with a sudden panic while I tried to plead my case. But then Brandon simply responded with, "Yeah...I know you didn't." He was so calm when he said it. It almost sounded kinda 'sad', you know?
I was like, "You do? Because I don't want you to think for one minute that I was trying to do something underhanded. All I did was walk in and ask if he was ok. That was it. He barely talked to me at ALL that day, Brandon, I swear!!!"
And again, he said, "No, it's ok. I know. I mean...Stevie has lied to me before about little things and gotten away with it, but...." He took a deep breath and said, "...But I didn't believe what he said for a second. You just don't have it in you to be that cruel without somebody really pushing you over the edge. And even then, you wouldn't have said something like that. I think Stevie was taking the fact that I knew you so well for granted."
Again, I was speechless. I didn't know what else to say. I was still a little embarrassed, but I couldn't tell you why. Maybe it was partly for myself, and partly for Brandon too. It seemed like it really bothered him to be outright lied to about me like that. After an uncomfortable silence, I said, "I'm sorry, dude. Are you guys ok?" I can't really say that I cared one way or the other. But I needed something to say.
He was like, "Not really. Me and Stevie had a fight. So...we'll work things out later. Or...you know...not."
I think that statement really shocked me. I was stuck for something to say for a minute, and then I ended up saying the DUMBEST damn thing I COULD have said in a situation like this!!! I was like, "Well...I'm sure you guys will be ok. I mean, maybe if you just take a little break or something, you can talk about it." What the hell was I DOING??? I mean...if Brandon and Stevie break up, I would run down the street naked and dance in the rain for 17 hours straight! I shouldn't be encouraging him to fix this! I should be giving him every reason imaginable to dump that sneaky little weasel and come back to me! Ugh! Stupid! I don't know. Brandon just sounded...unhappy. So...I guess you could say I took the high road and told him, "People fight, you know? It just happens. Give it a day or two and just talk it out or something." Stupid. I'm SUCH an idiot!
Brandon said, "Yeah. Maybe you're right." Then he's like, "I just wish I knew what went wrong. I mean, Stevie and I used to have real fun together, you know? We used to be really close. And now? I don't know. The boy I fell in love with...he's just not 'there' anymore. What's worse is...I'm kinda starting not to miss the old Stevie anymore. It's starting to feel like I just made him up in my head. And I'm never gonna see him again. I have to wonder if he ever existed at all." There was a silence on the phone. I think he was waiting for me to respond, but I think I was just...frozen at that moment. So he was like, "I'm sorry, Billy. I'm sure you're the last person on Earth who wants to hear about this."
I lied and said, "No. Dude...it's ok. Go ahead. I'm listening."
But he was all like, "No, really...I should go. I'm not gonna depress myself tonight. I'll patch things up with Stevie tomorrow or something. Like you said, maybe we just needed a break." Great. Give me all the credit for getting you two back together. Arrrrgh! Then, Brandon was like, "I guess I just needed to hear your voice for a while tonight. Don't take this the wrong way, Billy, but sometimes....hearing your voice is the only thing that makes me feel better."
MY voice? Why MY voice? I was seriously confused by that idea. All I could say was, "Oh...well...cool." Did that sound weird. That probably sounded weird.
There was another long pause, and then Brandon was like, "...Anyway, I just wanted to call. I'm gonna go. But...I didn't believe any of that stuff Stevie said. I've seen you angry before. And yeah...it sucks to be on the wrong end of it, but everything you do, you do it with love in your heart. I know that. If you're spitting fire and fury in somebody's direction, it's usually because you're really hurting inside...not because you're trying to be intentionally wicked." Then you know what he says? He says, "That was always one of the safest things about you, Billy. Just knowing that." I don't even know what he meant by that. The 'safest' thing about me? What's THAT supposed to mean? Seriously. Is that...like...a good thing or...
Shit, I don't know. Brandon talks in riddles sometimes. I love him to death, but he can be so frustrating sometimes. Just once I wish he could say what he meant without me having to decode everything and piece it together through his cryptic little comments. Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my Sunday night all mixed up in the head over this. Great.
As for Stevie....he's officially back on my permanent shit list where he belongs. The NERVE of him! I actually went out of my way to give a FUCK about him being hurt and unhappy...and what do I get in return? A dagger in the fucking stomach. Fine. I don't know why I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He can STAY miserable for all I care. Why bother to care about anybody if all you're going to get is venom in return?
I can't believe I wasted my time giving a shit. I was a total sucker. Screw him.
So I sent Bobby Jinette some encouragement last night before bed. I'm pretty sure that he already knows what to do. He's just got a bad case of the jitters. It's really hard to admit that you like somebody. There's like this big invisible WALL that goes up and prevents you from just saying it. Even to yourself. I guess it makes you feel weak. Like you're totally at the mercy of you emotions, and that can be really uncomfortable for a lot of people. I'm not Superman. I mean....it's uncomfortable for me too. I'd just rather deal with the discomfort than the regret. Regret is like....it's the saddest most painful thing in the world sometimes. And it NEVER goes away. Once it's gone, it's gone. If it's one thing that I learned from my break up with Brandon...it's that regret is soooooo not worth it! To hell with that. I'll take my chances with a few days worth of rejection and humiliation. At least I can deal with that pain and move on.
Haven't heard back from Bobby yet. I wonder if he gave it a shot today? Like...if he called Ian and...I dunno, at least took a shot at asking him to hang out, or whatever. There's this really weird part of me that wants to step in and help things along for him, but I'm not gonna get involved. Bobby will ultimately have to do this on his own. All I can really do is urge him to try. I hope he gets what he wants. He deserves it. His heart has been through a lot.
I talked to Jimmy on the phone a bit this afternoon. He kept asking me if it was ok to talk. Hehehe! Like...he was worried that I'd be annoyed with the fact that he called me again so soon or something. That boy worries too much.
At one point, though, we shared a laugh over getting caught at the mall yesterday. Hahaha, actually that WAS pretty insane! Jimmy was like, "I nearly pissed myself when I saw all of them coming over to the table like that. I think Lee and Jamie are just waaaay too sexy to be seen that close together at any time during the day."
I was like, "OMIGOD, I Knowwwwww! I thought I was gonna go cross-eyed! Hehehe!" Then I sighed and said, "He's still really cute...."
Jimmy giggled, and he was like, "Lee? Yeah. I know." Then he says, "I can't believe you actually broke up with him. That's just crazy, Billy. Seriously."
I said, "Hey! You broke up with AJ, and he's cute. It's just...not enough, you know? It's all the little things that count. The little romantic stuff. I need that."
Jimmy said, "Alex was different, Billy. Alex was cheating on me. Like...constantly."
I said, "Well...you should have cheated back. Hehehe!"
But he's like, "I didn't have to cheat. I was perfectly happy with the sex and the sweet talk he was giving me. Totally satisfied. He's the one who wasn't getting enough and needed to go looking for love elsewhere."
I told him, "Well, if I was AJ, I wouldn't get enough of you either. I want my Jimmy-fix twice a day, baby!"
Jimmy burst out laughing and he nearly dropped the phone. He's like, "Dude...PLEASE don't! Ok? Hehehe, you tease me enough already just by talking to me on the phone. The last thing I need is a variety of blush inducing compliments from THE Billy Chase."
I don't know, it was really cute the way he said it for some reason. It made me smile. I said, "So...if you could go back to Lee....would you?"
I think he was a bit shocked by that question at first. Then he was like, "I don't know. Umm...maybe. Just for a little while."
I was like, "Oh, you mean for like 45 minutes so you two could get freaky with each other."
He grinned, "Well...longer than THAT, but...I don't know. It would be nice. I'm all horny again now that Alex isn't around. I kinda thought about it. And Jamie too. Of course. And ummm....you know....sometimes I think about Sam. Ahem. Sometimes."
Yikes. I said, "Sam, huh? Hehehe!"
And he's like, "Yeah. C'mon, Billy..I think that would be really hot. Sam seems like the type of boy that would really be sensual when he was making love to you." Heh....he didn't know the HALF of it!
I just giggled a bit and told him, "Uhhh, no comment. Just so long as you keep me out of your personal 'spank bank', buddy."
Jimmy laughed bashfully, and then he said, "Yeahhhh...no comment there either." Uh oh! Hehehe! I know what that means! Jimmy was like, "Hey, I've gotta run. But the main reason I called was to say that I had an awesome time yesterday. We should totally do it again next weekend. But...NOT to the mall again. We should avoid that place like the plague, next time."
I said, "Sure thing. Let's do it! Maybe we can just catch a movie or something."
He's like, "Ok. Cool. I'm there. I'll see you tomorrow at school, k?" And we hung up.
He'll see me tomorrow at school? Hmmm, ok. I don't know why I thought that was weird. We always see each other at school, but...I dunno, he never said it like that before. Whatever. My brain is playing tricks on me these days.
So even though I was a total bum and didn't do anything today but stay around the house and do laundry...I got to talk to Jimmy, I got to help Bobby with his problem (I hope), and I found out from Brandon that Stevie was the backstabbing piece of shit that I thought he was. So all in all...a very productive day.
I didn't hear from Sam today, which means he's still being stubborn about things. But we can't go on like this for much longer. I guess I'll have to be the one to surrender first....AGAIN. I'll go over in the morning and try to get past this. Besides, Jimmy's little confession has given me the urge to see Sam walk around his bedroom in his boxer shorts again. Hehehe!
WHAT??? I'm just gonna look! That's all! He's hot! I can look if I want to! :P
I'll write more later. Seeya!