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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And you can win tickets to see the Sprouse twins wrestle NAKED in a giant tub of mustard this weekend!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- When I woke up this morning...Sam was the first thing on my mind. I did everything I could to just stop myself and let it go, but...sighhhh....he makes me so CRAZY sometimes! You know, I don't know what's wrong with me. I honestly wish that I had never gotten the chance to have sex with Sam in the first place. Because...well, I mean...I always liked Sam. I've always thought he was extremely cute, and he's always had a special place in my heart for as long as we've been friends. But...it's NEVER been this bad before. I've never salivated over him like this before. I think I was better off when I just thought it was some silly fantasy that was never gonna come true. At least then my horny feelings for my best friend could be held at bay instead of running wild like this.
I jacked off before getting out of bed. I thought that maybe I shouldn't. That thinking about hot love making with Sam would only make things worse when I went over to his house. Then I thought about it again...and figured that if I didn't jack off and get it out of my system, I was liable to see him walking around with no shirt on, smelling good after just stepping out of his morning shower...and I was going to tackle him like a wolf attacking a chunk of raw meat. So I kinda 'took care' of things right there and there. You wanna know something? I never really have to 'fantasize' when it comes to Sam. I mean, like...when he holds me, when he kisses me...everything is just right. It's perfect. God, even now, just writing this...it's like I can feel him. Almost like I can taste him.
Ugh...I've gotta stop. I'm going to force myself to behave. I got away with a minor upset between us once...but I seriously doubt that I'd be able to do it again. Fighting with Sam just...it hurts, you know? Every time.
Besides, when I rang his doorbell this morning, he was all back to normal again. Nothing even remotely 'homo-affectionate', you know? (If that's even a word. Screw it. I'm making it one. It's the only word that fits).
I've got to learn how to just shut off my emotions like he does. There's gotta be some kind of straight boy 'switch' on the side of his brain or something. NOT that I didn't enjoy his company anyway, I just...I've gotta get better at knowing what to expect with him these days.
I had a weird run in with Jamie Cross in the halls today. He was wearing that red shirt that I always loved so much on him. The one that makes his blond hair look all...shiny and amazing, you know? Some crushes never go away. Maybe it wasn't meant to. I wonder...if I could talk Sam into fooling around, if...no. No wait. Not even gonna go there. DANGEROUS thinking!
Anyway, Jamie was being friendly like always...but something about it felt different today. I know it wasn't all in my head either. There were like...these short little 'pauses' when he talked to me. Almost like he was trying to be careful about what he said to me. I think I honestly started trembling when I noticed it. Especially when he said, "Hey, tell Jimmy I said hi the next time you two get together." What the heck does he mean by THAT? What makes him think me and Jimmy are 'getting together'? We're not 'getting together', we're friends. How did he come to assume that we would be seeing each other soon enough for me to pass along a message, anyway? I KNEW having him see me at the mall with Jimmy was gonna raise some questions in his mind. I mean....out of jimmy, Joanna, Lee, and Randall...Jamie Cross was the ONLY one who wasn't hip to the fact that I liked boys. Did I really expect all of them to keep quiet about it? Jamie might not have suspected me before, but now...there's definitely something about the way he looks at me. That's gotta stop! I've seriously got to find a quick moment to let Joanna know that talking about me to Jamie is a DEFINITE no no! Period! She should know better anyway, but...just to be on the safe side, you know?
God, I hope Jamie doesn't know about me. If he finds out I'm gay, he's gonna look back at every time I stumbled over my words or batted my eyes in his direction, and he's totally gonna be creeped out by that. I'd like to avoid that situation if at all possible.
I saw Trace briefly today, but instead of his usual laid back smirk, he seemed really frustrated about something. And on top of that, he seemed really exhausted too. He almost didn't look the same. I mean, there was a physical change in his appearance from a lack of sleep. Even his voice was all deep and gravely. It would have been kind of sexy, to be honest...but that sparkle was gone from his eyes completely. After a few strange looks from me, Trace kinda rolled his eyes and grunted, "I'm sorry, Billy. I'm just really spacing out today. I'm not in much of a gabby mood."
I asked, "Is there anything wrong, or..."
But he just said, "Nah. Nothing I can't handle." Then he was like, "Hey, why don't you pop on over to my house on Friday? There's this big blood and guts movie marathon going on from like 6 PM to 6 AM, and I plan to sit and pig out through every last gory moment of it. You wanna join me? It'll be more fun with you around."
I was like, "What about Mikey? Won't he have nightmares or something?"
Trace grinned, some of that sparkle finally shining through for a moment or two. "No way am I letting Mikey watch that stuff! Mikey gets scared watching the DISNEY Channel, I'm sure horror movies of this caliber would freak him out beyond repair. But it's no biggie, he's staying with my mom for the weekend, so it's cool."
I didn't want to ask anything 'awkward', but I was like, "Umm...you're not going to spend time with your mom too?"
Trace gave me a strange look. As if that was the most ridiculous question anyone had ever asked him before. He was like, "Billy...dude, I told...my mom and me are far from being 'Brady Bunch' happy. Never will be. It's cool if Mikey wants to go, but he's too young to know any better." I kinda looked away from him for a moment, and was getting ready to apologize, but he stopped me. He said, "C'mon...come on over this Friday. It would be cool to not be...you know...alone." I don't know if it was his fatigue, or a touch of actual sadness, but there was certainly something off about the way he said that. He looked me in the eye, and for the first time, it just seemed as though Trace really needed me to say yes. It wasn't like the other times, where saying no wasn't an option, and he just teased me until I caved in. This time he was asking. Actually asking.
I could do a lot WORSE with my Friday night than hanging out with one of the cutest boys in school, curled up on his couch watching scary flicks for hours on end. So I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Sure. That sounds cool. What time?"
He smiled even wider, and he was like, "You've GOTTA get there before 6! You and me, we've gotta watch them all."
I giggled, like, "Dude, I can't come home at 6 in the morning."
He said, "I wouldn't dream of sending you home that late. You'll just have to spend the night. Bring a toothbrush."
Hahaha! Yeah...not THAT'S the Trace I remember!
So yeah, I guess I'm going over on Friday. I asked my mom if I could spend the night, but she seemed to have her mind preoccupied with something else at the time. Didn't even give me the usual interrogation about who it was, where I'd be, and if parents were going to be around to watch us. Which isn't like her at all. I mean, it's not like I'm 12 anymore or anything...but it's a habit that she usually indulges in regardless. I guess I got off lucky.
I have to finish up my History homework before bed. It's not something I can rush through in the morning or blaze through in study hall. But before I go...
I got this...'email' from Lee tonight. It was weird, because it's the first contact that we've really had since we broke up. (NOT counting our run in at the mall, of course.) It was kinda short, but it didn't have that same level of 'Lee cuteness' that the other ones usually have. Here's what he said:
Hey, it's me. I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to write to you yet or anything. To be honest, I don't know how these things work at all. But...I mean...can we still talk every now and then? You and me?
I guess that's all I wanted to know. I was going to find a clever way to ask, but I figured it would be best to just, like...say it, I guess.
Hope to hear from you soon.
What does an email like that even mean? I mean, really. I read it over and over again, and it wasn't that long, so I didn't have a lot of 'clues' to look for. But...yeah. Lee wants to talk, I guess.
Now that I think about it...I don't know how post-break-up contact is supposed to work either. I never thought about it before. I cut things off with AJ, Joanna left me for Sam, Brandon told me to fuck off, and Bobby was heartbroken. Can Lee and I still be friends? I know that I said we could...but wouldn't that be weird? I tried being friends with Brandon and that...didn't work out too well. I can't even be around Sam for too long without wanting to put my mouth on him somewhere. I don't know. What am I gonna say? No? I can't say no to Lee. Besides, it's not like I hate him or anything.
You know what? Why not? We can talk. Maybe even hang out from time to time. That's the mature thing to do, right? If I'm planning to learn some self control, there's no better test than shuffling around town with Lee smiling in my direction.
Yeah. I'll do it. I'll give him a call tomorrow and we'll...we'll talk. That could be cool.
Gotta run! I'll write more later...
Ps- I just went back to the journal I had before this...and I was reading about that first kiss with Sam again. Hehehe, wow. I'm soooo horny again! I'm such a pervert!