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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And I'll see to it that you get to spend 20 minutes naked in a dark closet with Austin Mahone!!! No holds barred!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- Have you ever had one of those moments when you wanted to take a chance and do something really reckless? I don't mean like...rob a bank or blow up a gas station or anything. Just...something that was sooooo far outside of your comfort zone. I don't know what it is about Trace, but he always manages to bring that out of me. It feels really cool, too. I'm nowhere NEAR as good at it as he is, but...I kinda like having him 'teach me', you know?
I don't believe that I actually brought this journal with me to Trace's house tonight. That's probably why I can't sleep right now. There's this looming fear that I'll shut my eyes for a few minutes, and when I wake up, Trace will be sitting next to me, reading about all the depraved homosexual treats that I've put in these pages over the last two weeks. I would literally DIE of embarrassment if that happened. My heart couldn't take it. But now that I'm sitting here, looking at Trace sleeping on the couch...I'm kinda glad that I brought it. I mean, I wish I could take a picture of him right now. I've always thought that Trace was outrageously cute...but whenever I looked at him, he was always looking back at me. I never got a chance to just...stare at him like this before. It's an entirely different experience, believe me. You know, I think his hair sleeps too. Hehehe, it's cute. It's all relaxed and stuff. His soft lips are parted slightly...I wish I could snuggle up to him right now. Just nuzzle my nose into the curve of his neck and lay my leg across his middle. He looks so warm right now. And you know, he's one of those boys that doesn't snore at all. Just breathes lightly and occasionally changes position every now and then.
Sighhh...I should totally be burying my face in his crotch right now.
Something Bobby Jinette told me today stuck with me. I think it may even have given me the courage to bring this book with me tonight. Bobby was practically pacing back and forth when I saw him today, and even though he seemed a bit nervous, there was something else behind his eyes that just made him look really determined for some reason. I guess he and Ian talked on the phone for a long time last night, and Bobby almost told him that he liked him a lot. But didn't. Bobby seemed really distressed about that.
He was like, "You know what, Billy? That's it. I can't take it anymore. I don't care what happens anymore. I'm just....I'm gonna do it tomorrow. I'm calling Ian up on the phone, asking if he can meet me somewhere, and then I'm telling him how I feel. Period. This is just getting ridiculous now."
I have to admit...I was kinda surprised at how he was going about this. No subtle hints or backdoor seductions this time. I honestly think Bobby's gonna go for it. I said, "Wow. Really? Are you serious?"
He's all like, "I'm DEAD serious. I think about him all the time and I never tell him anything. I just sit there next to him and I squirm and I wiggle and I ache...and if I don't start showing him some attention soon, he's gonna lose interest and move on to somebody else. I just...I can't play games with this one, Billy. I want him to like me so bad. I'm just gonna have to make the first move this time. That's all there is to it. So tomorrow...I'm gonna get together with him somewhere, and I'm spilling everything I feel and just hoping for the best. I mean, what else can I do, right? At this point, I'll be waiting around and doing nothing until I'm 50!"
I asked him, "Hehehe, what the heck brought this on? That must have been one hell of a conversation between you two."
Bobby seemed to get weak in the knees all of a sudden. And he was like, "www, Billy...that's just it. It wasn't. It was just a normal conversation about everyday stuff. And I was STILL shaking the entire time. It's like...I want him to tell me first so I don't have to be so scared about doing it myself. But he hasn't yet. And now I'm scared that he never will unless *I* say something first. All I know is....he makes me happy. He just...does. I wanna take my shot at making this real. No more distant conversations and hidden secrets. I think..." He hesitated for a second, and then with a blush, he said, "I think I want him to be my boyfriend, Billy." He covered his face with his hand. "Does that make me a weirdo? Hehehe!"
I patted him on the shoulder and told him, "No. That doesn't make you weird at all. I think you should totally GO for it, dude."
He's like, "Me too. I just...I wanna DO something this time. Actually do it myself. I'm so sick of being 'accidentally happy' and waiting for some good luck to fall in my lap from out of the sky for no reason. This time, I'm making an actual effort to go for hat I want. And even if I screw it up, it's better than never having done anything at all, right?" I nodded, and that was all the confirmation Bobby needed. I think he's really gonna do it. I think Ian's gonna have his hands (and his mouth) full tomorrow if he says yes! Hehehe! Wow...Bobby is AMAZING at sex too! I mean...hehehe, *AMAZING*!!! Ian is a lucky man. VERY lucky!
Anyway, like I said, that just kinda stuck with me. Like...instead of just waiting for something good to happen to me, I should try more to actually make an effort to cause god things to happen to me. You know? I have absolutely no idea how to do that or even where to start looking. But it's something that I think I should look into from now on. Like...starting right NOW. I'm 15 already, why should I wait until I'm 50? It's kind of inspiring, I guess.
I talked to Jimmy for a little bit today. I was actually thankful that he walked up when he did, because I saw Brandon and Stevie walking together down the hall, and they seemed....sighhh...whatever. I mean, if they patched things up, so be it. That's a good thing. Doesn't mean that I swoon over Brandon any less than I did before....but if he's happy, then I'm happy. I don't get those two. Now that I look at them, they seem SO incompatible. I don't know how they can stand one another for more than a week at a time. But maybe it's just not something for me to understand. Go figure.
I think he's starting to feel weird about me all of a sudden. He's still really cool and really fun to hang around, and I wanna do that more often, but tonight was just a bad night. I couldn't make it. Jimmy was all happy and giggly, and he says, "Hey, me and some friends are going to the movies tonight. It'll be awesome. You wanna come with us? The more, the merrier."
I'm like, "Aww, I'm sorry, Jimmy. I can't hang out tonight. I've kinda got plans."
Jimmy looked like...I dunno...like I was purposely blowing him off or something. I wasn't trying to hurt him, I was just busy. He's like, "Oh...I see. Well, whatever. That's cool."
I said, "It's not that I don't WANT to. I just promised somebody that I'd hang out tonight. That's all." Jimmy asked who it was, and I said, "My friend, Trace. There's some horror movie marathon thing playing tonight. So we're just gonna..."
Jimmy giggled, like, "Wait...Trace? The really cute boy with the little dreads? You're going to his house to sit in the dark all night with him?"
I blushed and gave Jimmy a shove. I was like, "It's not like that. We're just hanging out."
Jimmy's like, "Sure you are. I'm sure that's exactly why you wanted to go over there." He laughed some more and said, "Understood. Well....you two have a 'good' time."
I said, "STOP that!" Which only made Jimmy's giggles even worse. So what if Trace is cute? That's not the ONLY reason I'm going over there. Just....one of the major three. Hehehe!
Anyway, Trace reminded me twice today about my promise to hang out tonight. And once again after school. It's funny, but I could swear that he was almost excited to have the company. It was adorable. Hehehe!
I kept my word, and I went straight home after school to pack an extra set of clothes and a toothbrush, showered up real clean, just in case...hehehe....and headed out to his house before the marathon started. There's something about Trace that makes me want to be a bit more wild than usual. Maybe it's the fact that he doesn't care so much about things. I think a part of me really admires that. I don't think Trace has ever really 'forced' me to do or say or think anything. He's definitely tempted me into giving in a dozen times before, but I always do so with a giggle. So it's always fun. There's no arguing with him. I don't think that I've ever felt uncomfortable or judged around him. Not a day since I've known him. How can somebody just smile and be carefree ALL the time? It seems impossible. But he pulls it off every time. I LOVE that.
Trace was in his sweatpants and sock feet when I got there. The TV was on, and the whole basement was pitch black except for the blue flicker of the big screen. He even turned on the surround sound...which was just a few stereo speakers that he managed to hook up to the TV on his own, and spread them to opposite ends of the room. Then he walked in with this comically big bowl of buttered popcorn! Hahaha! That thing was, like...bigger than his lap! It took TWO of us to balance it between us. Trace gave me the sweetest smile, and offered to share with me as the credits of the first movie started rolling.
You know, I never really noticed how awesome Trace's eyes look in the dark. They kinda glow every time he smiles. And he smiles a lot whenever I'm around.
We were having so much fun! High fiving each other every time some poor schmuck got his head ripped in half by the monster at large! Hahaha! They were certainly starting this marathon off with a bang, as the blood and guts factor was about as gratuitous as you can possibly imagine. The overkill was hilarious. The second movie was even worse than the first. And that's when Trace got up and trotted over to the corner where he grabbed a bottle of his dad's alcohol and handed me a plastic cup before sitting back down. I was like, "Sighhh...Trace, come on, dude. Why do you always do this to me?"
Trace smiled back at me and said, "I wouldn't be a good host if I didn't. That's why. Say when..." He started pouring pretty fast and heavy, and I had to holler out to get him to stop.
I was like, "WHEN! WHEN!!! Jesus!"
He giggled, like, "Pussy. Don't worry, it'll get smoother by the third cup." I glared at him, and it made him laugh. He's like, "WHAT???"
I said, "I don't drink! You know that."
He's like, "You drink almost every time you come over here."
I said, "Only because you make me do it."
He smiled at me and said, "So you don't want it then? I'll pour it in my cup if you don't." He raised an eyebrow, and it was....ugh...he was so damn CUTE about it!
I mumbled, "Well, you already poured this one. But I'm just gonna SIP it slowly, and that's all I'm drinking for the whole night. Deal?"
He's like, "No. But I'm not gonna argue with you right now because I'm trying to watch the movie. Hehehe!" He saw the look on my face, and butted me with his shoulder. He said, "RELAX! Live a little, for crying out loud. You act like I'm always trying to corrupt you into the fires of Hell or something. It's ok to be a little wild from time to time."
I said, "Oh, is that so?"
And he's like, "Damn straight. Live every day as though it was gonna be a 3 hour long movie someday. When you're dead and gone, do you think an audience is gonna pay to watch you sit at home on a Friday night, not doing a damn thing and watching TV? Or are they gonna stand in line to see you sitting here drinking some 'evil sauce' in the dark with one of the most awesome rock stars on the planet? The rock star being ME, of course." I laughed out loud, and he said, "See? You're having fun already. Get that cup up here and toast with me, jerk face." We touched our cups together, and he said, proudly, "If you wake up in the morning, and you don't have anything valuable to say about the day before...then it was wasted. So live and let live."
At the end of the second movie, I found myself already at the bottom of my cup. I'm still not really use to the taste of that stuff, but I have to admit that I was a bit buzzed. And Trace's smile grew bigger with every sip. Before long, we were both snickering at one another for no reason, and Trace was pouring me a second cup full. I can't even determine if I really wanted him to or not. But when he started pouring...I made sure to hold the cup still for him. God, he can so easily break me down sometimes. He doesn't even really have to try that hard.
We sat on that couch for about six and a half hours before we came to a boring part in one of the movies. 'Boring' meaning that it had been fifteen minutes without some kind of desensitizing violence and mind numbing carnage. Funny, the time raced by so fast, I hadn't even realized that we had just watch five movies in a row. I loved it! Trace started talking to me, and then started to pour some more liquor into my cup. I protested, but again, held the cup still while he did it. I told him he was a bad influence on me. He said, "Good. Everybody should have at least one.I've got two. I call them Mom and Dad." He heard me slurring a bit, and it made him look at me as though....I don't know...as though he was so happy to have a partner in crime tonight. It made me feel like I was really a 'part' of something. Something cool. If nothing else, he was right...I was definitely gonna remember this tomorrow.
I asked him, "How come you're always trying to corrupt me?"
He said, "Because....you take yourself waaay too seriously. And you're too cool for that. I mean, there are some wet blankets out there who don't know how to have any fun at all. But you're not one of them. I like hanging out with you...when you're not being all stuck up and emotionally constipated about things. Hehehe!"
I'm like, "Hehehe, HEY!!! Excuse me! How am I emotionally constipated? Just because I'm not an alcoholic..."
He interrupted with, "The alcohol's got nothing to do with it. Trust me." He got this wicked gleam in his eye, and he's like, "Are you hungry?"
I thought it was a weird question for that particular moment, but I'm like, "Um...a little, I guess."
He says, "Cool. Put your shoes on. We're going out. My treat."
I looked at the clock as he sprang to his feet and slipped on his sneakers. I'm like, "Dude...it's like one o'clock in the morning."
Trace said, "And what? The sidewalk turns to liquid lava at midnight? Come on! I know an awesome 24 hour spot that should just be getting its second wind right about now. Let's go! You'll love it."
I honestly thought he was joking, but evidently he wasn't. So I put on my shoes, and I asked him, "Are you sure?"
He held his stomach with a smile and grunted, "Ughhhh....emotionally constipated! Must...worry.....about everything! Might make....wrong choice! Ugh!!! Can't...just...have....fun! Spontaneity is...ugh...the work of the DEVIL!!!"
I shoved him and laughed, "Fuck you! Hehehe, fine. Let's just go!" And before I knew it, we were walking down the street in the dark, going God knows where to do God knows what. Hahaha, and you wanna know something? Not knowing what the hell was going on....it was kinda fun. Sometimes I swear this boy was sent from the sky to ruin me. But maybe that wasn't a bad thing.
Twenty minutes later, we ended up at some submarine sandwich place. And believe it or not, Trace was right. It was really busy for this time of night. I guess all of the older college kids were just coming from the bars and clubs in the area, and so the tiny diner was like a party in itself. So much noise, and laughter, and smiling faces. It was crazy! And the vibe of the place swept you in right away. No fighting it. You suddenly felt like you were a part of the festivities just by being inside.
Trace ordered us two meatball sandwiches and sat us next to the window. He even showed me just the right way to season it with Oregano and Parmesan cheese. And when I took my first bite....OMIGOD!!!!! I thought my taste buds were going to EXPLODE from the flavor! It was, like...the best thing I've ever eaten in my entire life! Trace nearly spit out a mouthful of sandwich just looking at my reaction. It was just...this really cool moment. It almost felt like a 'date', you know? I'd been with him for hours and hours and haven't regretted a single second of it. And as I watched him lick away some extra sauce away from his upper lip...I felt this absolutely full body infatuation wash over me. It was soooo strong. So unexpected. Oh wow....omigod he's PERFECT! He's soooo perfect!
We finished up and walked back to his house, where we picked up right where we left off with the movie marathon. I wish that I could say that we had a long night of hot passionate sex, but to be honest...I feel like we had sex anyway. Just...laughing and drinking and walking to get sandwiches...I felt completely satisfied. With Jimmy being a friend, and Bobby moving on to somebody else....with Lee and Sam and Brandon always holding back and keeping me at arms length...it just really warmed my heart and lifted my spirits to be with someone who just...was willing to be honest with me. You know? Just...let loose and share a piece of himself with me. And tell me when I wasn't doing the same. He wasinterested in me. In what I had to say. All he did was tell me how cool I was, and how much he loved having me around, and how awesome it was that I came over tonight. It tingled every needy sensation that I had. He loved me for NO reason at all, and I just....wow...I think I might be falling in love. Um....again.
And now I'm here, watching him sleep like some kind of pervert. Hehehe, but I can't help myself. My heart is beating so hard that I can barely write this without trembling. I think I'm gonna just...look at him a for a little bit longer, and then try to get some sleep. I'm putting this journal in the pillow case that I'm sleeping on. If he so much as TRIES to touch it, I'm gonna feel it and wake up. So...no worries there. But....yeah.
I think I might just try to spend more time with Trace in the days to come. He's...um....he's great. Really great.
Maybe Bobby's right. Maybe I need to stop waiting for other people to 'give' me what I want. Maybe I should go out and take it. Just go for it, you know? If it makes me happy, then why not work for it? Brandon's already got somebody else that he likes more. Sam and Lee are so hot and cold with how they feel about me that it's become a serious chore even trying to figure out what the hell they want anymore. So...here's Trace...possibly giving me an offer. Maybe I'll just take him up on it. Just maybe. :)
Gotta go! The horror movies are still playing, and there's some kind of sea monster biting a cheerleader in half! GOTTA see that! Laters!
Ps- Wow...I'm gonna wake up next to Trace in the morning! What's THAT gonna be like? Hehehe, he had more to drink than I did. I wonder if he'd feel it if I passionately tongue kissed him in his sleep! >:)