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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)


- I don't know how a day like today can start off so awesome and sweet, and end up with this, like...'sick' feeling in my stomach. I'm probably thinking too much like I always do, but that doesn't mean it feels any better. I'm thinking that I just need enough of a distraction to keep me from worrying so much. I should totally be smiling right now, right? It was good day. Yeah, I think, overall, it was a good day.

Anyway, it started this morning. I was kinda excited to get up and hit the mall with Jimmy and his friends today. I don't know why I was dreading it so much before. I mean, I still would prefer it if every single person on the planet didn't know I was gay, but I mean...Jimmy's been pretty discreet so far. I mean, he's out and stuff, but he's never really done anything to try to 'expose' me or anything. I just...get uptight sometimes. Especially since everybody seems to be able to figure me out so easily these days.

I think I just was looking forward to telling somebody about my time with Trace. Jimmy's really the only one I can talk to about that kinda stuff. He was being sooooo cute yesterday that I wanted to know what he thought about it, you know? Like...if I had a chance with him or anything. Trace seems so iffy sometimes. I never really know if he's being flirtatious or just funny. I never know if he's looking at me in a sexy way, or if he's just being cute. It's hard to gauge his reactions in any logical way. Ugh...I wish he would just make the first move and just kiss me already! That would make things so much easier. It's tiring trying to be the guy who does all the work.

Anyway, I got out of the shower this morning, and Sam called me early this morning. I had already talked to Jimmy and told him that I'd meet him at the mall around 12:30 or so, so I had some time to chat. The weird thing is, Sam was like, "I got this freakin' weird email from Lee last night. Do you know what that's about?"

I'm like, "Wait, what?"

He says, "Lee was being really strange. I mean, he said hello to me and stuff, talked about video games a bit, but most of the email was asking about how you were doing and if you were still talking to him and stuff. I thought that maybe you guys had a fight or something."

A fight? With Lee? Lee doesn't even talk to me enough to fight with him. I tried to get Lee's attention, but he didn't seem interested, so I just figured that he'd rather be left alone. Why the heck would Lee go to Sam to find out how I'm doing? He could just talk to me. Arrrgh! How can somebody so cute be so damn frustrating???

I was like, "I haven't spoken to Lee in over a week. I dunno what he's talking about." Naturally, I don't want Sam thinking about this too much. If he ever found out about me and Yeah, it's best if that didn't happen. He didn't seem to put too much emphasis on it though.

He said, "Ah well...Lee can be a weirdo sometimes anyway. Whatever. So hey, you feel like doing something today? I'm bored out of my mind."

I told him, "Actually, Jimmy LaPlane asked me if I wanted to hang out at the mall with him and his friends today. I kinda told him I would, so I should go."

Then Sam surprised me by saying, "Oh, well that's cool. Hey, you mind if I tag along? I might as well get out for a bit today. These four walls are bringing me down today." It still seems so alien to me sometimes to think about Jimmy and Sam getting along so well. I forget that they kinda patched that whole thing up. If there was a 'thing' at all.

I told him it would be fine, and he said to call him before I got ready to leave. Easy enough. I was thinking that it might make things a bit harder when it came to talking to Jimmy alone about stuff, but having my best friend along for the ride can't ever be a bad thing. Besides, it makes me smile to see Jimmy drool over Sam like a rabid puppy the way he does. Especially since I know that I got a sexy piece of that. Multiple times! I wonder if I'll be able to tell him someday soon. Hehehe, he told me about Lee, after all. If you ask me, I owe him a few weeks of blinding jealousy. Hehehe!

So, 11 o'clock rolls around, and I'm fixing my hair and getting ready to go when the phone rings. My mom is like, "Your friend, Brandon, is on the phone."

It took a few seconds for that short sentence to register fully. I thought that maybe I had heard her wrong, or that maybe she got my friends mixed up again. But when I picked up the was actually Brandon on the other end. I think my heart started beating faster just from hearing him say hello. My breath got caught in my throat, and I had to sit down and try to keep from shaking as I spoke back to him. I don't know why the sudden call out of the blue made me so nervous...but Brandon is kinda like...a 'celebrity' to me, you know? Hearing from him is like...magic. Every time.

I'm like, "Hey! What's up? This is...unexpected. Hehehe!"

He was smiling. Oh wow, I always loved the sound of his voice when he was smiling. He said, "I know. I was just thinking about you today. I just wanted to call to see what was going on with you. Are you busy?"

Too busy for Brandon? Does such a blasphemous idea even exist in a sane world? I'm like, "No. No it's cool. What's up?"

And that just led to this really cool, really comfortable conversation. I can't believe how refreshing it was to be able to talk to Brandon this way again. To giggle and to go back and forth with him and...sighhhh....I don't know. It just awakened a bunch of feelings in me all over again. As much as I wanted to kiss and lick and suck Brandon all over every minute of the day....I think I missed little moments like this the most. It just reminded me of how blissfully in LOVE we used to be. A time when we just couldn't get enough of each other. When he hung on my every word, and I hung on his. All of these really cute guys in my life...and Brandon's STILL the 'prettiest' boy in school. Inside and out.

I'm so hopelessly addicted to that boy.

Anyway, as it was nearing 12:30, and I hadn't even left the house yet, I had to wrap things up. I didn't want to. I mean...Brandon's voice was enchanting me back into a full blown swoon over him again. But I knew that I had to go. I said, "I'm sorry, dude. I promised some friends that I was gonna meet them at the mall today. So I've gotta go."

He said, "Noooo...stay." Hehehe, was ADORABLE! The way he whined it was like...the sexiest thing ever. To be honest, I almost ditched the original plan entirely when I heard him do that.

I said, " you wanna come with? It's just me and Jimmy and Sam, and a bunch of his girl friends. It might be fun."

Brandon was like, "Aww, thanks. But I can't. I'm kinda taxed for money at the moment. But I'll see you tomorrow though. Kewl?"

I hesitated for a second. I don't know why. My mind went blank. Like...I just wanted to listen to him breathe for a few seconds. Does that make me weird? I actually felt myself getting hard as the thought of leaning forward to kiss those perfect lips of his crossed my mind. Only Brandon can make me feel this 'electric' inside. I still can't figure out why.

I was like, "It, hearing from you today, Brandon. We don't talk enough these days...." Ugh! Billy, what are you doing? Brandon has a boyfriend. A sick little weasel of a boyfriend, but a boyfriend nonetheless. I could already feel myself becoming helplessly attracted to him again, and I knew that it was only going to lead to me getting shot down, having my feelings hurt, and then having feel awkward about it to the point where he stops talking to me. All three of those things are a bit more than I'm willing to deal with right now. Things were going great. I don't wanna mess it up by being a predator about this.

Brandon said, "Yeah, I know. I miss this. You don't mind if I call every now and then, do you?"

Wow...I was feeling those tingles again. I was seriously weak in the knees. Maybe it was the tone of his voice. I haven't heard that tone in ages. I said, "No. Not at all. Maybe...I can call you sometimes too? You know...just to say...hi, or whatever."

There was a pause..and Brandon was like, "Ok. That would be cool. I'd like that. Well...I guess I'll let you go. See you soon, Billy."

It actually hurt me to say goodbye. It hurt in the weirdest way. I can hardly ever predict what my emotions are gonna do from one moment to the next these days. Brandon just keeps me turned all upside down. But you wanna know something weird? I think I kinda like it.

I called Sam, who complained about me taking so damn long and being late, and we took the bus out to the mall. Jimmy was there with Stacy, and his friends Lisa and Rachael. You know, I think the girls were um...happy to see us. You ever have one of those moment where you just feel extra beautiful, just because of the way somebody looks at you? They kinda gave us that vibe today. Hehehe, girls. I'm glad we impressed them so easily. Probably more Sam than me though. Sam's the gorgeous one. At least, I think so.

Jimmy was definitely happy to have Sam joking around with us today. They really do get along a lot better these days. I thought that Stacy was maybe batting her eyelashes at me a few times more than usual today, but I just kinda smiled and treated it like it was no big deal. Besides, I didn't come out on a Sunday for Stacy to stalk me and for Sam and Jimmy to get all chummy with each other.

The first opportunity I got, I pulled Jimmy aside and told him that we needed to go somewhere and talk or something. Hehehe! At first, Sam thought it was kinda weird to be leaving him alone with three girls that he hardly knew at all, but I told him that we'd be back in five minutes tops. No biggie, right? He could handle it.

I was practically dragging Jimmy by the arm, until he started giggling at my excitement and asked me what the heck I was up to. I made sure that we were around the corner, and I said, "Ok, I want your help with something. You know that boy, Trace, from school? Like...what do you think? Honestly."

Jimmy smiled, and was like, "What do I think? What do you mean? Weren't you the one spending the night at his house? What do you think?"

I said, "I don't KNOW what I think! That's why I need your opinion on this."

He's like, "Why MY opinion?"

I'm like, "Because you're good with this kind of thing. You figured me out, didn't you?"

He said, "That was different, hehehe. I was actually watching you every minute of the day. I don't know Trace at all."

I asked him, "Well...if you had to just...make an educated guess...what would you say? Do you know, maybe he might be...'available'."

Jimmy giggled at me, and he said, "I don't know, Billy. That's the honest truth. I'd have to, like, be around him more or something. It's not like I can just see a magically gay aura around people. Its all about the little things. It's about knowing stuff about him that seems a bit...different from the way the other boys interact with you." He said he'd pay attention if he ever ran into Trace by accident, but they don't have any classes together. So I might have to set something up. getting all three of us together somehow. I have NO idea how I'm going to work that out and not have it look weird...but I'll definitely think about it some more. Then, Jimmy as like, "Is that what made you so late today? Were you trying to get all cozy with Trace or something?"

I said, " Actually, Brandon called me this morning. If you can believe that."

Jimmy wrinkled his brow for a moment with a smile. He said, "Really now?"

I was like, "Yeah...." Then I told him "We talked for a while. It was just one of those things where I just missed him, you know? had been a while. I figured I'd chat with him for a while. That's all."

Jimmy kinda raised an eyebrow for a moment, and then looked away from me with an even bigger smile. I'm like, "What?"

He's like, "Nothing. Don't worry about it."

But I insist, like, "No really, what is it?What's that look for?"

Jimmy rolled his eyes, and he said, "Dude, it's SO obvious that you still like Brandon. You know that, right?"

I said, "What are you talking about? Hehehe, of course I still like him, just..."

But Jimmy's all, "'Just' nothing. You love him. After all the hard times you two have been through, you still have feelings for each other. It's not a bad thing. Your eyes still light up every time you mention his name. And DON'T lie to me about it. I'm on to you, mister." He saw me blushing, and he's just like, "It's ok, dude. Trust me...I'm, like, the KING of holding onto feelings for someone that I have absolutely no chance with at all. Hehehe!" I felt kinda bad, being that guy in his life, but he gave me a playful bump of the shoulder to let me know that he was kidding. He said, "Billy...I know that it might seem wrong or weird or uncomfortable...but if you have lingering feelings for Brandon, why don't you just tell him so? What are you waiting for? Let him know how you feel."

I looked down at my feet, and I just...I don't know. I don't think that would be as easy as Jimmy was making it sound. I said, "It wouldn't work, Jimmy. I mean...Brandon just...he just wants to be friends. He wants to be 'buddies'. And that's....that's awesome. I mean, it's better than nothing. But not by much." I felt dirty for saying it, but it was the truth. Jimmy asked me what I meant, and I told him, "Well...I hate to admit it, Jimmy...but if it's gonna be no sex, no kissing, no cuddling, and I can't even flirt with him every now and then...well...what's the point? I mean, it just makes being around him frustrating. I can't help it. I bite my tongue and hide my feelings but...sometimes it just plain sucks. It's like I'm starving and standing in front of this really awesome buffet of food...but every time I try to reach out a hand to touch it, he smacks the back of my knuckles with a ruler and calls me an asshole. I just...never know what I can or can't think about him anymore, much less what I can actually say to him without him getting uncomfortable and weird about it."

Jimmy asked me, "Well...what do you plan to do then? Are you gonna go for your soul mate, or are you gonna fool around with a bunch of other cuties who don't mean half as much to you as he does?"

I know the answer that Jimmy wanted, but it's not the one I gave him. I said, "I think...I think that I'll work on trying to 'censor' my feelings for Brandon later. Right now, I just...I wanna have fun, you know? I wanna make out for three hours in a row. I want to have sex on the living room carpet and do things that I've only seen in movies. I wanna explore and have fun with some other boys who are a little bit"

Jimmy's like, "Horny for your sex body?"

And we both giggled. I said, "Exactly! That doesn't make me a perv, does it? I mean...I'll have time to sit on the couch and watch TV and think sexless thoughts when I'm married and half way on my journey to being dead. Right now, I wanna bang like a whole army of bunny rabbits and curl up naked with a few more hotties before I go giving it all up for...whatever it is that Brandon wants. I just think it would be better if we stayed broken up for a while longer. Otherwise, I'm afraid that I'm gonna end up back in the same position that I was in before. Where I was looking for a good time elsewhere when I shouldn't have."

Jimmy's eyes widened. He was like, "Ahem....explain? When did THIS happen?"

I kinda forgot that Jimmy never knew about that part. And I certainly wasn't about to try to condense the whole Bobby Jinette affair into the next three minutes. So I was like, "Nevermind that part. Hehehe! Let's just would be better if I could get what I wanted and what I needed from the same person. It would keep us both from getting hurt so much next time.

Jimmy shrugged his shoulders, wishing he knew more. But he didn't ask. He nodded, and wisely advised me, "Ok...if you say so. Go have your sexy fun and enjoy it. But I wouldn't wait too long if I were you. That feeling you get every time you talk about doesn't come around as often as people think it does. Once you lose it, it's gone forever. Just keep that in mind while you're out there trying to be 'frisky'."

I grinned for a moment, but he did make a lot of sense. I said, "You're right. I know. I'll calm down eventually. Promise. But I've been reaaaally horny these days. I think I've gotta work some of that off first."

Jimmy laughed and said, "Well, for God sakes, can you bring some of that naughtiness MY way some time??? I deserve a little Billy in my life just as much as these other cuties do. Geez!"

I winked at him, and even though he was laughing it off like it was nothing, I noticed that he blushed a little anyway. we were coming back around and joining up with everybody else...I saw something that kind of...'disturbed' me. It's definitely the reason that I've got that sick feeling in my stomach tonight. It still hasn't gone away yet.

I saw Lisa and Rachael laughing first, then I saw Sam with one of Stacy's bracelets. He was smiling and holding it away from her while she was trying to grab for it. Maybe they were just goofing around and being silly...but there was something...strangely intimate about it. I know when Sam is just being funny and when his smile is a bit more....I dunno. All I know is that I didn't like it. Not from the moment I saw it.

I don't know why it seemed to sting so much. It's not like Sam was my boyfriend or anything. Nor did he ever claim to be. Besides, it's not like I ran into them making out or anything. But...even if we were just experimenting with the 'friends with benefits' thing, that doesn't mean he can go getting any ideas about just picking up another girlfriend. I mean...c'mon...I don't know. It just bugged me. The rest of the afternoon, I was like....what the hell are they SMILING about?

I don't think I want Sam to talk to her anymore. That's just not necessary. He tried girls with Joanna, and it didn't work,, yeah...he should give up. Sighhh...why can't he just be gay? It's so STUPID that he's just not gay.

Anyway, I've gotta go. Bobby wrote me two more emails today. Dammit, I totally forgot about that again. I'm being a jerk, aren't I? I'm gonna write him back tonight and see if he's ok. I guess my head was just polluted with selfish garbage today. I hope he's ok. From what I read, it doesn't really say how things went, one way or the other. It just says that he needs to talk to me. I can only hope that it's good news. I should really stop putting stuff like this off.

Bobby will be ok. With an ass that amazing, who could turn him down?


- Billy