- I am SO confused right now! So helplessly CONFUSED!!! The events of tonight's dance have sorta...um...'complicated' things a bit. Don't get me wrong...tonight was AWESOME! But it's sorta hard to really put into words what's happening to me, and I almost don't want to be smiling from ear to ear like I am as I write this. There's SOOOO much going haywire in my head right now! It seems like everything is upside down and backwards, and I wonder exactly what path I seem to be speeding down as far as my life is concerned. Maybe I should start with something a bit easier to decipher before I get into the really 'topsy turvy' stuff.
It all started with me hearing this girl, Anna, talk about Jamie Cross today (insert cold sweats and heartbursting sighs here). And naturally that makes my ears perk up. She really has a crush on him, which normally would cause me to pout in a jealous rage and indulge in visions of pushing her in front of a bus after school to insure my chancea at Jamie's heart before anybody else sinks their claws into him. BUT...while listening to her 'girl talk', I found out something VERY interesting. Jamie Cross doesn't have a girlfriend. Not only that, but this other girl Anna was talking to has known Jamie since, like, the fifth grade...and she says he's NEVER had a girlfriend! Even when the girls start falling all over him. She's only seen him kiss ONE girl in her life, and she said he didn't seem to enjoy it much. So that got my mind, among OTHER things, jumping like CRAZY! It was like...WHAT IF??!?!?! I mean...what if the most gorgeous boy in school, possibly the whole WORLD, is gay just like me? I literally had to cover my mouth to keep from screaming out loud in the middle of study hall! It's been on my mind all day. No hard evidence yet, of course, but that info has done WONDERS for my hormone driven imagination!
Then sometime before my second to last class period...I ran into Jimmy. I was actually surprised that he stayed through an entire school day for a change. But he seemed happy this time. Like...REALLY happy! Like he felt much much better, you know? About 'everything'. He talked to me in the hall and had this grin on his face like he had found peace on Earth or something. It was cool to see him smile and joke around though, and I felt like a true friend once he let me get a bit closer to him. Anyway, he reached into his bag, and he gave me this....'ring'. It was made out of rock, but smoothed out into a ring and put on a nylon string so that I'd be able to wear it around my neck. I wasn't sure how to take it actually, but he seemed to really want me to have it. I told him he didn't have to do that, but he refused to take it back. He said he found it at a cub scout summer camp when he was 11 and has been using it as a good luck charm ever since. He never lost it. I said thanks, but he told me, "Well, don't be TOO grateful, because the 'good luck' part doesn't seem to work so well." He giggled, and then he says, "You don't have to wear it or anything. Just...keep it with you. It's my way of saying thanks. But...I think it would look good on you." Jimmy was getting to be a bit strange again. I mean, he's always thanking me for something I didn't do. He's weird that way. I gave him a hug, and he told me to make sure that I just look at that ring and think of him every once in a while. YOU KNOW, so I wouldn't forget him. Hearing him say that...I started to wonder...if maybe Jimmy was gay. I know it sounds stupid, but....I wonder, you know?
Psh! Great, Billy. Suuuuure! Jimmy's gay, and Jamie's gay, and AJ's gay, and Simon's gay, and Brandon's gay, and Sam is gay.....hey, maybe my FATHER'S gay! How about THAT one? Doubtful.
Ok....so now....for the CONFUSING part! I really hope that I write this out right tonight. Because I doubt I'll be able to explain this feeling again in the morning. I went to the dance with Joanna, Ted, and Lee. I was TOTALLY nervous, and felt so awkward that even my clothes felt like they were fitting all wrong. But you know what? JUST when you have gotten to the point where you're pulling your hair out over the worry and doubt of your situation...you suddenly realize that it's not so bad. And that's exactly what happened. I felt my tightened stomach begin to uncurl the second I got to the door of the gym. The place was packed, and while I was terrified that all eyes would be on me the whole time...nobody really noticed me much at all. They said hello, they grinned, they talked...it was just like being in school, but at night. They didn't even really make a big deal out of me beng there with Joanna. I guess we were just seen as a 'couple' now. There wasn't much scandalous gossip included in all that.
Lee looked so damn cute all dressed up. He would sometimes drape an arm over my shoulder and grin with that adorable smile of his. His cheeks would 'chipmunk' when he grinned, and it just made him more kissable than ever. Ted, on the other hand, seemed to have had some strange falling out with his date before showing up to the dance. So they had this weird distance between them all night long. Joanna was looking her very best. She looked fantastic! I might even go so far as to say she was 'sexy'. And she kept up that 'touchy feely' vibe that she had before...but more intense. It was like she was glued to my arm all night, and smiled at me every time our eyes connected.
We danced for a bit, which made me REALLY nervous at first! But there were so many people on the dancefloor that you could hardly move anyway. I guess when you're in a roomfull of your peers, no one has a chance to see you dancing badly. So I warmed up to it pretty fast, and once I started having some real fun out there, it didn't even matter. If I looked like an idiot, Joanna didn't seem to notice, and that was a huge relief for me. The dance was over in no time at all, and I'm glad that I went. It was a cool experience that I would have missed out on if I had let my fears get the best of me. Who knows? I might even do it again sometime.
Just as we were getting ready to leave, I see Joanna whispering back and forth with some of her friends, and when they lookd up at me, giggling madly, I felt like a 'target' or something. I wasn't sure what that was about...until afterwards in the parking lot. It all happened so fast...I don't know if it was...'good'...or if I just 'reacted'...or....sighhh, I just don't KNOW!
We were talking while leaning up against the hood of Lee's car, looking to see if we could see any sight of him or Ted in the crowd of kids leaving the gym. Joanna was hugged up close to me, and I didn't really see anything out of the ordinary about her attitude towards me that night. But at one point, she starts playing with my hair a little bit, and looking directly into my eyes for long periods of time. There's a part of every boy's intuition that can just tell when the 'vibe' changes between you and the girl next to you. And it seemed to react all on its own. It was obvious that she wanted me to kiss her. In fact, it was like she was subtly trying to guide me into it by using her eyes alone. At first I was terrified, and just wanted Lee to hurry up and join us so the whole freaky feeling would go away. Then...it turned into a question in my mind of what it would feel like. Then....I was so curious that I figured...'why not?' I mean, she was so sexed up just by having me around, maybe it would be cool for the both of us.
Now, I've never really kissed anybody before. Ok, except for pecks on the cheek from family members and an occassional lick on the face from a friendly neighborhood dog...I've NEVER kissed anybody! But once I leaned forward a bit, she seemed to just...'take over' from there. Our lips touched, and she played with my hair the whole time as I freaked and fretted over whether or not I was doing this right. But...much like the dance itself, once the initial shock and worry of it all was overwith, I actually started to enjoy it! I felt my heart beating fast, and my mind was racing around in circles, and...and....wow! The whole time I was screaming inside! Saying, "I'm kissing a GIRL! I'm kissing a GIRL!!!" And I was excited, because I knew everybody could see me. Hehehe! Not only were we kissing, but we were like...making out! The tongue thing was a bit weird at first...and I have to admit that the idea of swallowing someone else's spit can be kinda 'unsexy' the first time around. But I didn't want to stop, so I just went with it. Kinda like holding your breath when you take that awful cough medicine your gramma keeps on top of the fridge. But it was nice, and I got lost in her lips. SERIOUSLY! Plus...I was hard as a ROCK! Geez! My whole body was aroused beyond belief, and I wondered if maybe there was some deep seeded 'normal' heterosexual boy inside me just dying to get out. It felt good. It felt GREAT! And when Lee and Ted finally got back to the car, it was like I couldn't STOP kissing her! We kissed and sucked at each other's lips all the way home....and then some. And there was no 'shame' in it! Like....NONE! It wa SO weird!
And THAT'S the confusing part!!! So...does this mean...I like girls now? Or...that I liked girls all along? Or...? I mean, I don't feel any different. I wonder if this makes me bisexual or something, or if it's just some physical lust thing going on. I'm not sure 'WHAT' this means. All I know is that it kept me smiling all night long! And I'm kinda anxious to see her tomorrow at the mall so we can maybe do it again!
Anyway, I'm going to bed. I think I need to work some things out in my head. I'll try to better explain things later if I can!
-Billy (The Tongue Kissing Bi-Guy! Hehehe!)
- Awwwww......THIS IS SOOO UNFAIR!!!! My mom and dad were both COOL about everything just yesterday!
They let me go to the dance and everything! NOW, all of the sudden, they want to PUNISH me for getting an 'F' on a test I took last WEEK? That's not fair!
They didn't even give me a chance to argue it out with them at all! They stifled my every attempt to get out of it, and they said I couldn't go out today. I'm grounded for the whole weekend! What kind of stupid rule is this? Do you know how embarrassing it was for me to call Joanna this morning, after having such an awesome time last night, and tell her that I can't go to the mall because I'm grounded? What am I, a 10 year old? I'm FOURTEEN! God, this sucks! I hope she believes me and doesn't think that this is my way of blowing her off or anything. I don't want her to think I'm ditching her after our first kiss!
Then, to make things worse, Sam calls again, just to apologize and get me to put this whole silly argument behind us. And to be honest...even though what he said really hurt my feelings, there was something about Sam's voice that lifted any and every curse I could ever try to put on our friendship. Maybe it's a piece of that past attraction still lingering in my heart for him, who knows? But whatever it was, it made me realize that I really did miss him, and I agreed to let it go. Just long enough to keep him close, you know? Of course...it didn't do me any good. Why? Because I'm GROUNDED for the weekend! Arrrrgh!!!
SHIT! You know what I just thought of??? I was supposed to see AJ at the mall today!!! DAMMIT!!!! DAMMIT!!!! DAMMIT!!!! DAMMIT!!!! My parents have NO idea how much they have totally RUINED my entire life by doing this to me right now! Now AJ is gonna think that I don't wanna talk to him either! Fuck! For a whole WEEK, he's gonna be walking around thinking that I was creeped out or something by him telling me he was gay, and he's gonna go give his kisses and blowjobs to somebody ELSE! FUCK!
I'm seriously about to puncture a hole in the pages of this book with this pen right now, so I'm gonna go! I'm SO mad! I'm not gonna forgive my parents for this, not for a long long time! I can't WAIT to finally turn 18 and get out of this house! Life will be MUCH easier when I get to be on my own!
-Billy (Household HOSTAGE!!!)
- You want to know what the most ineffective form of torture that a teenage boy can use on his parents is? The fucking silent treatment! That's right! I didn't speak a word to them all day. I ignored them with a vengence. I stayed in my room, even ate all of my meals in there. They wanted to play hardball, and I wasn't going to back down. Not one bit! Well...I don't think they really gave a shit one way or the other. In fact, if anything, I think they enjoyed the peace and quiet. That only succeeded in making me feel WORSE! Screw them both! GOD, I really HATE them right now!
Isn't 'grounding' like a form of Medieval torture? I think it was! They find some poor young prince or princess, tell them they're evil, and lock them away in a 50 foot tower with no food and no windows. Why the hell would parents want to carry an awful tradition like THAT into the 21st century for the rest of us kids to deal with? I swear, I'm NEVER gonna ground my kids! I'm gonna be the coolest dad ever, because I'm going to remember this weekend and spare my kids the horror of having to live through it. Just watch, you'll see!
I wonder if they remember at all what it was like to be my age. I wonder if they ever had to go through something stupid like this. If they haven't, then why the hell would they do it to ME? And if they HAVE gone through it...then again, I ask you...why the hell would they do it to ME? No matter what, they've GOTTA know how much this sucks! I have the best Friday night of my life, and they pull this shit just so they can power trip on how easy it is to make me stay locked up in this house and do homework. There's no damn REASON for this! It doesn't serve any real PURPOSE at all! What am I supposed to learn from this? Can't they just let me go out somewhere? I learned my lesson already. Don't fail any more tests....or at least...unplug the phone when I do. And don't think my teacher isn't going to get a few dirty looks too when I get back to class! Interfering in my life...Psh! WHY? Does she really fucking CARE? She has a TON of students! Why pick on me?
I wish I had more to say today, but I haven't had any real 'adventures' this weekend outside of switching between being bored and being angry. So I'll simply sign out right here. Later. Maybe tomorrow things will be better. Since my 'sentence' is up.