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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...We're gonna get Chase Ellison to play 'Billy' in the MOVIE version! Full frontal sex scenes and all!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- You know, I think Jamie Cross knows about me.
I almost...don't want to say that for sure. It's not like he came right out and told me or anything. But...like...I don't know. I saw him today, and he kinda gave me the impression that he just...knew.
It feels weird. I thought that I would totally freak out if Jamie Cross ever found out that I was gay. I always figured that he'd think back on the times that I tripped and stumbled and got all flustered around him in the past, and he'd instantly come to the conclusion that I was seriously HOT for his body! And have been since I first laid eyes on him. But you know what? Now that he knows (IF he knows)...I'm not really all that worried about it. Isn't that strange? All this fear and secrecy concerning one of the hottest blond boys to ever walk the face of the planet...and it didn't end up being such a big deal at all. I mean, he hasn't, like...reacted any differently around me. He hasn't stopped talking to me or made fun of me. After yesterday...I mean, if he knows, then it obviously doesn't bother him. Jimmy didn't bother him either. I dunno, that just makes him...like, a really cool person for that. It's refreshing to know that some people in the world have the ability to grow up.
He's such a special boy. Straight, unfortunately...but special. Hehehe!
Anyway, he approached me and was just talking as though everything was fine. And at one point, he's like, "You know....about yesterday, if you have any more trouble with those jerks, just let me know. I'm not digging that at all. You and Stevie should be able to walk down the hall together without having to worry about that shit. You know?"
Sometimes...I get mesmerized by the blue in Jamie's eyes, and it takes a few seconds of delay before my brain is able to truly absorb what he's saying to me when he speaks. But that statement caught me right away. Did he say...wait...was he like 'me and Stevie'? Walking together? Me and Stevie weren't walking anywhere together. Why the fuck would I want to do anything 'together' with Stevie? That's just sick. I think Jamie ma have thought that we were um...like...getting picked on for being 'together'. As he put it.
I tried to tell him what really happened, and that I was trying to get them to stop picking on him....like...by himself. But Jamie was just like, "No, dude, it's cool. I'm glad you stood up for him. More people should do the same. Just keep you head up, k?"
He said he had to run, but I'm still trying to tell him, like, "NO! But...but..I wasn't...I mean we're not..." But I wasn't sure exactly how to explain things in a way that would get around the way he already thought things were happening.
Wait...did that make sense? Whatever...
I didn't see Trace again today. I thought that it was a bit strange. I mean, I usually catch a glimpse of him somewhere throughout the day, even if I don't get to talk to him. I hope he's ok. I kinda miss his smile, you know? Is that weird?
Oh! And I had to practically chase Bobby Jinette down in the hall today and force him to talk to me. I think he was actually trying to duck out on me. Can you believe that? I asked him to tell me what happened, and he got this pathetic look on his face. He rolled his eyes a lot and whined about a few things...but he wasn't getting off that easy. I'm not gonna sit back and read email after email with him talking about how hurt and miserable he is for the rest of my life when he could be doing SOMETHING to feel better. So I cornered him and told him, "Dude, I'm not gonna let you just give up on this. This is so dumb. Why don't you just talk to him? Just spend time with him. Hang out. Get to know him better. What are you doing???"
Bobby was like, "I TRIED that, Billy. I told you, he's just not interested anymore. I thought he was before, but he's not anymore. I did something wrong. So...whatever. I blew it. I can handle that." What the heck was Bobby TALKING about???
I'm like, "What did you 'blow'? You didn't even try? I mean...you don't have to shout out 'I love you' in a crowded train station or anything. Just...open up a little bit more. He might end up being really into you."
Bobby pouted a bit, and he's like, "I don't know what else to do. I'm trying, I just...I don't know. Maybe he's bored with me or something."
Bobby has been known to be a bit socially awkward at times, but he's far from being uninteresting. Or lovable. Or fun. If he'd just stop over thinking things so much, he wouldn't have this problem.
Heh...imagine that. Billy Chase telling somebody else not to think too much. That's a stretch.
There were some other people around, so I couldn't really say too much more while we were standing there. Instead, I told him, "You know what? I'm coming over after school today. No excuses. You and me are gonna sit down and talk about this. Period."
He said, "Billy..."
But I shut him up quick, like, "NO! Quiet. I'm coming over, and you and I are gonna figure out what went all screwy with you two. Because someone doesn't just go from being all close and sweet with you to not being interested. I mean, he waited for you after gym class almost every day, didn't he? He talked to you, laughed with you, hung out with you on the weekends...what happened?"
Bobby said, "I don't KNOW what happened. I just wanna leave it alone, ok?"
Yeah, he said it. But he clearly didn't mean it. It was written in the way he pouted and slumped his shoulders over in the saddest way imaginable. I put my hand on his shoulder and smiled. I told him, "Just let me come over, k? We'll find out what's going on. together." Bobby caved in, and he gave me this sweet little smile before blushing in my direction. Then....
...That's when Brandon came down the steps, right to where we were standing. I think I actually heard his sneakers squeak, he stopped so fast. Arrrgh! DAMMIT!!! Well this didn't look good. Me holding Bobby's shoulder with him smiling up at me. FUCK! God's sense of humor SUCKS, you know that?
He kinda gave me a brief and awkward greeting...then he looked over at Bobby, then back at me. And he nodded and kept walking. I was like, 'UGH! No no no no no NO!!!!' in my head. But it was too late to really take it back now. Not without me blurting out something to wreck Bobby's confidence even further by screaming that we weren't together. Reminding him of the heartbreak would NOT have been a good strategy at that moment.
Why did he have to come down right at that particular moment? Did Bobby and I look...um...intimate or something? I hope not. Because we're not. We're really not. I was just trying to help. Come back, Brandon! Come back!!!
I think Bobby's voice was the only thing that stopped me from watching Brandon walk away with this longing look in my eyes. Bobby just said, "Ok. If you think it'll help. But I doubt it."
I turned back to him and was like, "I don't know for sure what I can do. But you've got to tell me more about what actually went down. Two heads are better than one, you know?"
He agreed, and after school we met up to go over to his house. I have to admit, just being back in his bedroom brought back...um...'memories' for me. Memories that made me extremely horny while I was sitting there on his bed. Even the scent in the air was just as I remembered it. Wow...had it been that long ago? When me and Bobby were both so into each other. When we were on this same bed, rolling around naked and French kissing like mad while grinding our hips together. When Bobby turned that sweet bubbly ass to me and let me enter his tight canal...pleasuring me in ways that I had never known before. Looking at him today, with that same 'background' behind him....it just made me crave another sexual encounter with him all the more. He was pretty um...good in that department. I did all I could to switch off that part of my brain though. Just to get me through the afternoon. But...yeah....wow. Bobby's still really cute to me. I had to pretend not to notice for sanity's sake....but yeah...he's still Bobby.
Almost makes me jealous of Ian being the apple of his eye right now. Lucky!
I tried to get him to tell me what they talked about and what made him think Ian didn't like him anymore. That was getting me absolutely NOWHERE. Bobby had so many vague excuses as to why he 'just knew' Ian had moved on that it was hard to get him to actually give me any concrete evidence. So I went to Plan B. I was like, "You guys email each other all the time right? Can I look at some of the recent ones?" Bobby didn't seem to mind so much. I said, "You'll have to warn me to look away if you guys were talking about anything...naughty in there."
Bobby giggled, "What-ever. We don't talk about that stuff." He blushed.
I'm like, "Not yet, you don't. It won't last though." Bobby bent over to fiddle with a wire or two before turning on his computer, and I have to admit that I stared at his butt for a full three seconds before catching myself. Why did I let Bobby get away from me again? I'm having a hard time remembering right now.
Anyway, he opened up his emails, and I was surprised to find a ton of exchanges between him and Ian. I don't know what Bobby was thinking, but the sure volume alone suggested that Ian was a little more than just interested. I made sure to ask again if it was cool for me to read any of them, and Bobby just shrugged and said it was cool.
After about four or five emails...I began to see a bit of a pattern. I looked through a couple more to see if it continued, and sure enough...it did. Ian was definitely being friendly and all, and I think Bobby liked it a lot, but he seemed really...nervous in all of his responses. You know how you can just get this vibe from someone in their email, just from reading the words on the screen. Well, Bobby's vibe was practically, 'Omigod, stay away from me.'
That's not good.
I asked him, "Umm...Bobby? Why don't you, like...actually 'talk' to Ian in your emails?"
He gave me a weird look. He's like, "What do you mean? I'm talking to him."
I said, "Then why don't you answer his emails?"
He's like, "I DID answer them."
I said, "No....you responded to them. But that's not the same thing." I pulled up one of the emails I read before, and I was like, "Ok...look here. Ian says, 'I've got a ton of homework tonight. I'm not gonna miss my Ghost Hunters show though. I'm getting hooked on it these days. Have you seen it yet? Some of them are pretty creepy.' Ok?"
Bobby's like, "Ok."
Then I scrolled down to his email. And I'm like, "Ok, so here's your reply. You said, 'Homework sucks. I'll see you tomorrow.' And that was it. I mean...Bobby...what happened there?"
He said, "What? WHAT? What did I say?"
I told him, "Well, you didn't say anything. Like...at all."
He says, "What was I supposed to say?"
I'm like, "You were supposed to say...something. I mean, look, he's talking to you about this Ghost Hunter show thingy and he came right out and asked you if you've seen it."
Bobby's like, "Yeah?"
I stared at him for a second, and I was like, "So...have you seen it?"
Bobby said, "I've seen a few episodes, yeah. It's cool."
So I asked him, "Well, why didn't you tell him that? He's asking you a direct question. He's like, trying to share one of his interests with you. He wants to know if you two have something in common, and you totally blew him off."
Bobby's jaw dropped. "WHAT??? I did NOT blow him off! I would never do that!"
I said, "Well HE doesn't know that. You basically ignored everything he just said to you. Look, here's another email. Ian says, 'There's a new movie opening up in the Indie theater downtown next weekend. Something about killer rats in the sewer. I don't know if that sounds creepy or hilarious, but I'd love to check it out some time.' And you wrote back, 'Have fun' and sent him a smiley face?"
Bobby said, "I told him to have fun. Why is that bad?"
I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I'm like, "Bobby...dude..." Was he kidding me? I said, "Bobby...when the boy you like mentions going to a movie, you don't say have fun. You say, 'HEY! Maybe we can go together?' THEN you sound like you're interested and not just skipping over all the details of his conversation. It looks like you're just sending him some obligatory email to say you sent one. You didn't actually talk to him about it. You said 'have fun'. That's blowing him off. You're basically giving him the impression that you don't care."
Bobby got this pained look in his eyes, and he seemed completely lost on what to do. He was like, "I'm not trying to ignore him, Billy. I wanna talk, I just don't always know what to say."
I said, "I can understand you being shy, Bobby. But Ian is obviously giving you a BUNCH of opportunities to actually engage him in some kind of chit chat. All you have to do is read what he wrote to you and actually answer it. It's the easiest thing in the world. Look, in this email he's talking about music and his favorite bands and stuff...and you said you were going to bed early. Going to bed early? You totally ignored like three paragraphs of Ian's conversation right here. He wasted his time even typing it if you weren't gonna respond. Look here. Here he sent you a funny YouTube video, and you didn't reply at all. And here, he sent you something he wrote for class...it's like three pages long, and you didn't even comment on it. Like...at all. He's trying to connect with you, and you're purposely hiding from him. Why? I thought you liked Ian."
He said, "I DO."
And I said, "Well...you'd better start letting him in on the secret, dude, because I don't think he has a clue." Bobby sulked and plopped down on the foot of his bed. I felt kinda bad for him, to be honest. I thought about Lee when we were dating, and I said, "Look...I'e been on the other side of this thing before, and I know how Ian feels. It sucks to try to actually talk to somebody you like and have them not pay any attention. It hurts. It's like talking to an inanimate object and feeling like you don't matter. You have to...give him a little extra 'effort' every now and then, Bobby. If he's talking to you about movies, then talk to him about movies. If he's talking to you about music, then you talk to him about music. Share a piece of yourself with him. Let him get a peek at the real you. He's already taking an interest in you...so now's your chance to be interesting." I went back and picked out five recent emails and put marks next to them. "Ok, tonight...take these emails, and read them again. Actually read what he's saying to you. And then answer them again. For REAL this time. No shortcuts. Every time he asks you a question...um...answer it. Take an interest in him too. Trust me, it'll work." I pointed one of them out and said, "Right here he says, 'I'm looking forward to this weekend. I've got some family coming into town to stay for a while. It's gonna be a blast.' Now...what are YOU gonna say?"
Bobby struggled for a second and was like, "I don't know. I evidently can't tell him to 'have fun'."
I said, "No. No you can't. In fact, I don't ever want you to tell him that ever again. That's just lame. If your answers to him can fit into a limited character Twitter post...then you're not saying anything. TALK. He'll appreciate it." I was like, "ACKNOWLEDGE the fact that you read the part about his family. Say something like....I don't know...'Sweet. What family? Cousins? Aunts or Uncles? Do you have any plans with them?' Whatever. Don't just keep it to yourself. Keep things moving. Tell him what YOU'RE doing this weekend. It's a part of the whole 'sharing' thing."
He said, "I'm not doing anything this weekend."
I'm like, "That's fine. Tell him that. Tell him you're just gonna sit on your butt and play video games all weekend. Whatever. At least you're talking. Maybe he likes video games too. That's something ELSE for you two to talk about. You have to do more than just listen to him, Bobby. You have to let him know that you're listening. Don't worry so much about saying the wrong thing. Just don't turn chicken and leave him hanging without saying anything. Whatever you want to know about him, just ask. And whatever he wants to know about you...tell him. What are you being so secretive about? He already likes you. You've got nothing to lose, right?"
Bobby looked so uneasy that I thought, for a minute, that he was gonna be sick. But with a pouty bottom lip, he pushed his hair out of his eyes and nodded. He must REALLY have a thing for this boy if he's too scared to even share a casual conversation with him. I don't know....maybe he's like Lee. Maybe some people just freeze up when it comes to that kinda thing. I can't say that I've never been nervous myself. But I'll be damned if I purposely push away people who obviously want to closer to me. That's just strange.
I thought about writing to Lee tonight after that. Just because...I dunno, I guess I thought I got a taste of what it's like to be that scared to get attached to people. But I didn't. I felt weird about it. Maybe later. I still want to be friends, but I get the feeling he'd ignore me if I sent him a message anyway. He'll come find me when he feels like it.
Geez, I've been blabbering away tonight. I'm gonna shut this book and get something to snack on. I'll write more later.
And if Trace misses one more day of school, I'm gonna go hunting for him in the streets. Hehehe! I want my cutie back!