Wednesday

- Sex crossed Sam's mind this morning. I know because I saw it in his eyes. It was brief and it was fleeting...but I could tell from just one look before school that the idea of sinking his long inches into the warm wetness of my mouth would be an awesome way for him to start his day. We didn't do anything though. The thing is, I would have if he had asked me to. I may not approach him sex anymore, but I'll be damned if I turn him down.

Is it weird that I've become so accepting of being used this way? That it's suddenly 'ok' for someone to just see me as a way to get off without offering me the love and affection that I want to come with it? I should be disgusted by it, but I'm not. In fact, it's kinda sexy to think that he'd want me just for pure physical pleasure. Knowing that he enjoys it. Knowing that he thinks about it. If it were up to me, we'd already be at the point where Sam would call me in the middle of the night and have me sneak into his bedroom just to 'help him sleep'.

But deep down, there's a part of me that wonders...how is that any different than what I went through with AJ?

Like I said...weird.

So I finally ran into Trace today after his short absence from school. And from my life. I couldn't believe how good it felt to see him again. He was wearing a black t-shirt with a band logo on the front, and a pair of green camouflage pants. You have no IDEA how cute Trace's butt looks in a pair of camouflage pants. You can actually see a bit of the cleft in between his cheeks, and it's like....wow...you could literally just sink to your knees and take a bite out of it.

I asked him what happened and he just sorta shrugged one of his shoulders. He was like, "I just wasn't feeling well. No biggie. I'm still not feeling well, but daytime TV bores the living SHIT out of me. Do you have any clue how mind numbingly awful the Disney Channel is? Even Mikey gets bored with it after the first commercial. He doesn't laugh, he doesn't smile, he doesn't even like the shows. And yet he makes me keep it on, like, ALL the time. There's gotta be some kind of kiddie hypnosis going on in those shows."

I'm like, "Yeah...I'll bet." I couldn't say much. I was looking at his lips, and trying to fight the tingling sensation in my pants at the moment. I was like, "Umm...I missed you. While you were away, I mean."

Trace gave me that sweet smile of his for a moment, not saying anything. It's funny how he can drag that look out for JUST long enough, and then break the silence a second before it gets to be uncomfortable. He was good at that. He said, "I wasn't gone that long, was I? You're one of the popular kids. I would have thought you'd have enough friends to keep you busy."

I said, "Not busy enough to keep from missing you. This place isn't the same without you." I was nervous about saying it. So nervous that I could feel my heart thumping frantically in my chest, and my legs trembling at the sight of those bright eyes of his. But I pushed myself and did it anyway. If I'm gonna tell Bobby Jinette to take chances, I figured that I might as well start taking some baby steps of my own.

Trace smiled and said, "Golly...you're making me all wet down there, handsome." He was joking when he said it, but I could have sworn that he was blushing. Just a little bit. Then, out of nowhere, he says, "Friday night. You're coming with me."

I'm like, "Coming with you where, exactly?"

He's like, "We're going bowling."

Hehehe, what the...? I'm like, "Bowling? Where the hell did you pull that from?"

But his smile just widened, and he's like, "Doesn't matter. We're going right after school. Before the middle-agers get off from work and take the place over. It'll be fun. Come with me."

I couldn't help but giggle at the spontaneity of his request. He asked if I was going to tell him 'no', and my response was, "Do I ever?"

He said, "Good. It's a date. I'll see you then." Was it really? Like a 'date', I mean? Or was he just being...Trace? Who knows with him. But...ok..so, Friday. Um...bowling. Hehehe, where does he come up with these things?

Speaking of Bobby Jinette, he seems to be even more worried than ever about his interactions with Ian. Which is the exact opposite of what I thought would happen once he opened up a little bit. Bobby actually said, "I did what you said. I went back and answered his emails and stuff. NOW he wants to talk to me."

I'm like, "So talk to him. What's the matter? I thought that's what you wanted?"

He said, "Not THIS fast! He was supposed to, like...wait a little while or something. I shouldn't have said so much in my emails. Now he's gonna expect me to talk like that all the time..."

I told him, "You're supposed to talk like that all the time. Give a little,get a little in return. Bobby, hehehe, stop worrying. You'll be FINE. You actually let the boy of your dreams get a glimpse at who you really are. And now he wants to know more. Doesn't that...excite you in any way?"

He pouted a little. He's like, "It scares me." I asked him why, and he said, "Because...now he thinks I'm some great person, and there's nothing left for him to do but find things wrong with me. He's probably building me up to be awesome right now, and....and I'm just gonna turn out to be so disappointing. Watch. You'll see."

Wow. You know, it was a side of Bobby that I had never seen before. I think it explains a lot. I said, "Bobby...don't you see? You're not paying any attention to how Ian feels about you. You're too busy worrying about what you feel about you. Let HIM decide whether you're awesome or not. You just be yourself and he'll like you just fine."

Bobby asked, "But what if he doesn't?"

And I'm like, "Then we move on and find somebody else who does. But somehow, I don't think you're gonna have that problem." I had to give Bobby a playful shove to get him to stop sulking. I found out that he had been dodging Ian all morning, as was trying to think of a way to dodge him after gym class. I threatened him with a serious ass whooping if he did. That settled THAT situation. Hehehe! And sure enough, when we came out of the locker room after class, Ian was right there waiting for him. I gave him a quick hello, but that was it. Those two needed as much time alone as possible. Maybe Ian can shake Bobby out of his psychosis. I don't know what made Bobby think that he was so unlovable, but whatever it was, it needs to go away. I don't know a single person on Earth who could be even remotely happy with that kind of venomous emotion lingering in their every waking thought like that. I have my doubts and conflicts, sure...but the more aware I am of those shortcomings, the easier they are to deal with. I hope it gets easier for Bobby too.

I did have one awkward moment of the day. Well, not so much awkward as it was...I dunno...confusing. It's hard to know how to feel about something like this.

I sorta ran into Stevie on the steps today. I was going up to the third floor, and he was coming down to the second. So we passed each other. At first, it was exactly what I expected. Our eyes met, we silently acknowledged one another, but tried to pretend that we didn't. And we kept walking. I'd be lying if I said that when I passed him I didn't have the urge to push Stevie over the railing and watch him fall to a head-splitting finale down on the hard tile floor below...but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, I was almost to the door, and he was a half level below me, when he looked up and called my name. I stopped and looked back at him, like, "What?"

He rolled his eyes at first, and I didn't think he was going to say anything to me. But then he was like, "I just..about....the other day...." He started talking, but with the look on his face, I hardly felt 'rewarded' by the sentiment. He practically stole my boyfriend the second we broke up. He LIED about me. He teased and chastised me. He worked overtime to keep me away from the boy I loved. Like an idiot, I still manage to step in and save his ass from getting bullied in the hallways...and now he's acting like it's some kind of a chore to thank me for it? Psh, whatever.

Anyway, he was quiet for a moment, and I was like, "What about it?" He already stopped me. I might as well hear this for myself.

Stevie gritted his teeth a little bit, and he's like, "I just wanted to say..." His eyes looked up at me, and then he's like, "...That thing the other day, I mean....you didn't have to do that, you know?"

I'm like, "Oh, I know."

He hesitated for another second or two, and he was like, "I can take care of myself."

And I said, "Yeah. Apparently." Giving him the same snotty tone.

Stevie rolled his eyes again and said, "Billy, just...well...Brandon wanted me to thank you. You know...for 'helping'."

I said, "Great. Well, tell Brandon that I appreciate it." I was going to walk away and let Stevie off the hook with a slightly bullshit expression of his supposed 'gratitude'...but after just a step or two, he called my name again and said something that surprised me.

He said, "Billy...I just...I really need him in my life....right now. Ok? I mean, you can understand that....can't you?"

The look in his eyes was so...painful. I know that Stevie has a habit for being emotionally manipulative in a bunch of different ways....but this time...I don't know, this time it seemed really sincere. It made me feel bad. I didn't want to let HIM know that, but it's true. I don't know why he has it in his head that I'm just trying to steal Brandon away at every given opportunity. I mean...it's not like I go out of my way to be this intentional threat to his relationship or anything.

But...after a brief pause, and seeing the desperation in his eyes, I just tightened my lips up, and said, "You already have him." I could have left it at that as he started to walk down the stairs again, but...my conscience got the better of me. So I said, "Stevie?"

And he's like, "Yeah?"

And I told him, "....Be careful, out there. Ok?"

I think I gave him a bit of an awkward surprise too today. He nodded, and we went our separate way. But I have to wonder...did I just tell him that he could have my Brandon? Just...'have' him? Is that my promise to back off? Does this mean that I can't talk to him, laugh with him, think and dream about him? Things between me and Brandon were just starting to get really sweet and comfortable again. So what now?

Sighhh...I don't know. Maybe I should just forget about him. I may not like Stevie a whole lot, but I'm not heartless enough to wreck his relationship while he's going through so much other stuff. Ugh...what's Brandon gonna say when I start backing away from him again? It's not like I can just tell him, 'Stevie says we can't talk anymore.' Whatever. Life. I hope it gets easier once high school is over.

Anyway, gotta run. But I'll write more later. See ya.

- Billy