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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And I can PROVE to you that not ONLY is Santa Claus real...he's GANGSTA!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I sometimes feel like my life is purposely being designed to keep me in a state of constant confusion and frustration. It's something that I really wish I could get a handle on. Because some days, more than others, it gets to be just plain tiresome.
You know...this morning, Sam was in one of his grumbly moods. He gets like that from time to time. No special reason for it, I think he just gets tired of smiling every few weeks. Whatever. So I was kinda trying to cheer him up a bit. Besides, he was looking really cute today. Not that it mattered. I'm sure he thinks about sex just as much as every other teenage boy on the planet. But getting him to actually consider ME a part of that fantasy...well, that's a long and difficult process that just isn't worth it most of the time. If I even bring it up, I'll just end up getting rejected. And that really HURTS sometimes. So I'll just keep it as a naughty little twinkle in my eye and keep my mouth shut.
However...things changed today when we got to our lunch period.
I told Sam about going out tomorrow night, and he was like, "Bowling? Hehehe, dude, you're going bowling? What's that about?"
I'm like, "I KNOW! That's what I said. But he said he wanted to go, so..."
Sam kinda gave me this...'look', you know? Like, I actually saw him stop chewing his sandwich for a second. And he was like, "So...this is a 'he', is it?"
I grinned. I told him, "Dude, it's just Trace. You know? Trace?"
He says, "Don't believe we've been formerly introduced. Nope."
I said, "C'mon, you've heard me talk about Trace plenty of times before."
Sam's like, "If you say so." With a cheeky little grin of his own.
I don't know why I was blushing at that moment. I didn't have anything to blush about. Not really. I said, "Dude...he was at my birthday party. Remember?"
Sam said, "There were a LOT of people at your birthday party. Besides, JAY-Z could have been at that party, and I doubt you'd remember it. You were pretty wasted that night. Or did you forget that part?"
Sighhh...how could I forget kissing those lips? Ugh! I'm doing it again. Sorry...
Anyway, Sam asked me, "So...is this Trace taking you out, like....out out, or what?"
I was quick to burst out with, "Noooo! We're bowling, that's it."
He said, "Bowling can be a dating activity."
I'm like, "Well, not in this case."
And he asked me, "How do you know?" Which kinda surprised me, because I didn't really have an answer for that question. He was like, "I took Joanna bowling a few times. And that was a date."
I stuttered for a second, and said, "Well....I don't know if Trace is even...you know...like that." Sam asked me how I knew for sure, and I said, "Because...well...he didn't tell me he was."
Sam was like, "I see." Then he took a long sip of his soda, and then asked me, "So did you tell him the you were?"
I'm like, "What? HELL no!"
It made him giggle. He's like, "Again with the 'hell no' seal of disapproval. Hehehe, you gonna hurt his feelings now? You've gotta stop doing that." I shrugged and laughed a little, hoping that he'd leave it alone before he made me even more self conscious about the whole thing than I already was. But he was like, "You like him, don't you?"
I'm like, "Okaaaay, now you're just making stuff up."
But he said, "Uh huh...I know that look, Billy. I do. But hey, I'll keep out of it. You can have your little secrets. But I just want you to know that I know. So...deal with it, 'Spunky'."
I couldn't do much to deny it, and I sure as hell didn't want to confirm it. So I just balled up a napkin and tossed it at his face. He rewarded me with a light kick under the table, and he thankfully let it go. I swear, I've got to stop letting my emotions show so much on my face. I'd kinda like to keep SOME feelings to myself. You know?
Great. Now I'm gonna have THAT little conversation running through my head the whole time I'm with Trace tomorrow night. Is he, or isn't he? Does he, or doesn't he? He DID offer right after I said I missed him. But...Trace is spontaneous like that. If he suddenly told me that he wanted to hijack a plane to Cuba and start a revolution with nothing but a slingshot and a bottle of snake venom this weekend, I doubt that I'd find much reason to doubt that he was telling me the truth. I guess I just want things to go smoothly. I don't wanna be nervous around him. Trace can always tell when I'm nervous. And that's when he takes the most advantage. Hehehe! It's cute, but I really don't want to be clumsy about this. I wanna tell him. I SHOULD tell him. But the timing has to be right. I kinda want it to be special.
Sort of like...the time that I told Brandon what was in my heart.
Hehehe, I have such fond memories of that afternoon. The nervousness, the shaky voice, the sweaty palms. He was soooo beautiful to me. He was everything that I could have ever wanted. When I think back to that very moment when he told me that he loved me too...the way my heart just exploded with joy...it's almost too much for me to bear. I used to do nothing but think about how much I loved him, all day, every day. I'd stare at him until he turned red with a boyish blush that upped his cuteness factor by another BILLION points! We used to flirt with each other on the phone, and talk sexy, and kiss so much that we could hardly get in more than a few words before our lips were connected again. Every minute that I spent with him, or even without him, made me feel like I was floating on air. We were truly what love intended us to be. We were happy.
That just....just seems so long ago. I feel stupid for being nostalgic about it now. Like I said a bunch of times before...he's not that same boy anymore. Maybe I'm not the same boy I was either. It wouldn't be right for me to try to make either one of us change back. Brandon's still awesome. He's just learned to be awesome without me being in the way. If I thought that I could magically turn him back into that sweet, bashful, 'pretty', boy that I fell so madly in love with...I'd still let him go. He's someone else now. He's given his heart to Stevie. I wrecked things by being selfish, and when he got tired of me...he did what most people should. He moved on. Bobby moved on, Sam moved on, Jimmy moved on...I'm pretty sure that Lee couldn't care less anymore either. The only person still clinging to dumb old memories and misty fantasies of me and Brandon being a sexy little dynamic duo...is me. Maybe I'll find a way to move on too. His heart isn't what it used to be. I'll just have to....take it or leave it, I guess.
Unconditional love isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I hate to say that, but it's true. I know...selfish. So selfish. Whatever. I'm depressing myself.
I guess I'm just in a funny mood myself today. I saw Brandon in the hall. It felt good...just having his eyes connect with mine and see him smile. To see him actually happy to see me again. But when he looked like he might walk over to 'talk' to me or something, I sorta nodded nervously in his direction and made a hasty getaway. I know...it sucked for me to do that. But the last thing I needed was for Stevie to come looking for his special boy and see me talking to him in private. He already doesn't trust me. Then again, he doesn't have a reason to, I suppose.
If it means that it'll avoid me being hurt, and Stevie being hurt, and Brandon being hurt...then it's not much to ask that I keep my distance from now on. I do miss him though. I miss him a lot. Now, more than ever.
Anyway, I'm going to go out to the corner store. It's my dad's birthday on Sunday. My mom is insisting that I get him a card. Since I moved back home, he's hardly had much to say to me at all. I can already feel him drifting away from us. It's hard to imagine your family being 'broken'...but once it happens...it's surprisingly easy to deal with. Well, not easy, but...somewhere along the way, this strange sense of total apathy crept into my view of the whole mess. Kinda like Trace said it would. Maybe it's some weird defense mechanism that keeps me from hurting over it as much as I did a first. Who knows? For now...I'll just get him the card and pretend everything is a-ok until the next holiday.
I hope he hasn't forgotten about me too.
Oh, hehehe, Bobby sent me an email tonight with a bunch of kisses and smiley faces on it. No words, just that. Covered the whole screen. Awww, that's cute. I take it that Ian actually responds favorably to having Bobby *TALK* to him like a person instead of running away from him as though he was Satan himself and carrying a chainsaw. As long as he stops playing chicken, he'll be fine. Ian's a real cutie. Him and Bobby will be perfect for each other. Now...if only I could find somebody for Jimmy who fit him just as well. Hehehe!