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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)


- was being weird again today.

Or...I don't know....maybe I'm the one who's being weird. Maybe we're just weird together. You know...if I had known it was gonna be like this, I wouldn't have gotten frisky with Sam in the first place. Never. I'd rather drool over him from a distance for the rest of my life than actually get the honor and glory of getting a 'taste' here and there, and having him push me away over and over again. He's like two completely different fucking people sometimes. It's frustrating!

Anyway...whatever. I shouldn't be mad. It's my own fault. I mean, I knew how flaky he was when it came to sex before this weekend. I should have known what to expect. I did it anyway, and I suck for that. I should just leave sex out of it. Why can't I stop having these stupid feelings for him??? As many times as he's hurt me and rejected me and acted like he didn't even want me to touch'd think I would have learned my lesson. He's gone cold again. He's hot for me for ONE day...and now I have to wait for him to 'feel like' showing me some goddamn affection again. Which could be next week. Or next MONTH! Who knows?

Sorry, I'm getting angry again. Whatever. He's straight. That's all there is to it. He doesn't want anything sexual from me ever, and I'm done trying to play this game with him where he can turn it on and off at will and I'm stuck with the confusion of figuring it out. Well he blew it. After he practically treated me like a leper this morning when all I wanted was a little physical contact (Not even SEX!!! know, a little affection. A LITTLE!), I'm just gonna go back to my quiet little corner and stay the hell away from him. For a WHILE! When he gets lonely and horny enough, he'll find somebody else's feelings to jerk around like this and I can find somebody who's at least consistent from one day to the next. I said, I'm not mad. I just feel stupid for falling for the same trick. Sam gets all the benefits of it and I get all the grief. Screw that. If he doesn't wanna touch me, there are plenty of other boys who will. Time to focus on them more than some weird situation that just doesn't work anymore.

That said, I put some extra focus on Trace today at school. I smiled a bit more, I flirted a bit felt good. It felt so good in fact, that it completely calmed me down after Sam's rejection this morning. Something about Trace's smile makes me smile too. It's like....he smiles all the time, but for some reason you feel like you had to 'work' to get it out of him. It's like this big reward every time you see it. Hehehe, and that's just one of the many cute things I notice about him.

I asked him, " psyched for your first tutoring today or what?"

Trace rolled his eyes and said, "Oh yeah. I'm practically wetting myself over the idea of sitting in the library, trying to learn things while being 'quiet'. Sounds like a party, doesn't it?"

I told him, "It won't be all that bad. Simon's a good guy. It's only for a week, right? How bad can it be?"

He was like, "I guess I'll find out, won't I?" Then he smiled at me and said, "Are you still keeping your Friday open? I'm serious, don't go trying to make plans and shit. You let your buddies know that your schedule is filled that night. Hear me?"

Awww, it was CUTE! I said, "Don't worry. I'll be there. Whatever happens, happens. No plans made ahead of time. Just you and me..."

And he's like, "...And the bottle makes three." I told him that I wasn't drinking again, and as usual, it only made his smile more mischievous. He was like, "Still trying to be emotionally constipated, huh? Nope! Not gonna allow it! I KNOW you Billy Chase, and there is a FUN side to you in there somewhere. Once you learn to bring it out without the use of alcohol, you can stop. Until then, consider it your pharmaceutical prescription from a doctor that wants to see you stop fighting yourself so much and enjoy life to its fullest once in a while. Deal?"

I said, "I don't see what alcohol has to do with it..."

But he just responded with, "You went bowling, stole a spray can, made it our adopted can, and threw it in the street. Not to mention that you me! Hehehe! Tell me you would have done that on any average day?"

I said, "I MIGHT have! You don't know that." Yeah, I was lying, but still...I'm NOT gonna make a habit of this.

Trace gave me a strange look and said, "Well, until you stop being all stiff and scared and weird about...well, everything when we hang out together...I'm just gonna keep prescribing you more and more medication until you're strong enough to do it on your own."

I said, "So that's how I get to stay sober around you?"

He's like, "Being an entertaining and truly happy person without it, yes. I'm taking a chance on you, so you take one on me. Let go of the suffocated emotions, and we party without the extra help."

I gave Trace a sideways look and said, "Somehow, I doubt you're going to stick to your end of the bargain on that."

He says, "Well, you'll just have to open up to me to find out, won't you? Share what's in your head with the rest of us for a change." And with a grin, he starts to walk away from me, like, "Friday. You and me. Nobody else. You'd better be there or else."

I'm like, "Or else what?"

He said, "Or else you get to see my bad side. And I'm a total tiger when you bear witness to my bad side. Rawwwwr! Hehehe!"

Sighhh...sometimes, I just wanna grab that boy by the hips and make out with him until my lips hurt.

I did manage to catch sight of Brandon in the hallway today. But after Saturday's conversation on the phone...he didn't approach me the way he usually does. No smile. No wave. Not a single word spoken. In fact, he was walking with Stevie, and he seemed kinda sad to see me. Stevie was talking and babbling on about something that Brandon obviously had no interest in at the time...but knowing Stevie, he doesn't care. Stevie only cares about the 'talking' part. The listening part is somebody else's responsibility. But....Brandon and I kinda passed each other in the hallway. And our eyes connected. Just for a moment, but it was like time slowed down when it happened. He really just didn't look like he wanted to be there today. What's worse, he looked like he was still hurt by me not calling him back on Saturday.

I was trying to give him a subtle hint...but the fact that he got the hint made me feel a hundred times worse than if he hadn't. I just can' to him anymore. It just hurts too much. I know that sounds silly at this point. I mean, Brandon and I have been broken up for so long that I can barely remember the last time we shared an actual kiss or said the words 'I love you'. And yet...something is still lingering between us. It's like...something that's unfinished, you know? Like..we still have another 45 minutes left in our little romantic comedy, and all the problems we had haven't been resolved yet. I guess the closure we thought we had by screaming at each other and trying to find our happiness in the arms of someone else was more illusion than anything worthwhile.

I miss him.

I won't lie about that. I really do. But I've reached a point where, even we got back together, I can't imagine how that would work anymore. What would we talk about? How would we interact? There's so much suspicion and jealousy and hurt feelings in our past now. Is it even possible to just erase all that and start from scratch again? Brandon has a grudge that he can willingly hold against me for the rest of his life...and maybe I deserve it. But that doesn't mean I have to deal with it. If he's gonna hold it against me, then he'll have to do it alone....while I move on to someone else. Maybe Brandon was just a painful lesson that I had to learn to make my future with Trace soooo much better. Maybe Sam is too.

Geez...I could see if I wanted a big rock star or celebrity rich kid to be my boyfriend. I could see if my standards were astronomically high or something. But they're not. ALL I want is a boyfriend who will love me as much as I love him. That's all. Someone who will hear me say 'I love you' and say 'I love you too' with a smile. If that's as rare as people say it is, if that's soooo hard to find among 7 billion people on the planet...then no WONDER the world fucking SUCKS!

Sorry...still thinking about Sam. I'll let it go. That aggravation isn't doing me any good anyway.

So yeah, Brandon and I shared a look, but....that was about it. I doubt Stevie even realized that I was there. And I hope and pray that Brandon doesn't talk to him about me. I hope he doesn't even bring my NAME up, to be honest. It'll only make Stevie accuse me of trying to wreck his relationship again. I don't need that. Brandon is either happy with him, or he isn't. Either way, they'll have to work that out without me butting in. It never ends up good for me. I can only make things worse for everybody.

I was really hoping to talk to Simon today, but the few times I saw him in school, he was in a hurry to get to class. You know, it hasn't been that long, but I think Simon had a little growth spurt recently. I couldn't help but notice, because it was kinda cute on him. Hehehe, I DON'T mean that I wanted to jump his bones! At least not more than usual. But his hair was a bit longer and he was a tiny bit taller, it was just...really hot to see him filling out. I wonder if he's gonna be one of those boys that ends up being really really SEXY by his senior year. Sorry, I'm losing track of things...

Anyway, I want him to spy on Trace for me. I know what he's gonna say. I know he's gonna feel weird about it when I ask, but...I mean, Simon will do it, won't he? For me? Why didn't he answer the email I sent him tonight? Ugh! Maybe tomorrow. I just need a few quirky details, and maybe a highly educated guess. I know Jimmy is excellent with his gaydar, but I can never seem to get him and Trace on the same side of the school at the same time. I need to have another party or something. Hehehe, maybe give Trace's pharmaceutical prescription theory a chance. Get some juicy information. Hehehe! God, I sound so wicked sometimes.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. I thought about calling my dad a day late to say happy birthday....but I didn't want to talk about...

...You know.

Maybe I should just leave a message on his machine, and then leave the house so he can't call me back. I don't know. I just don't know how to approach that whole situation right now. That's all.

I'm going to skip going to Sam's tomorrow morning before school. I could make up an excuse, but why bother? He won't care. He's always going to be my 'friend'. That'll just have to be enough.

As far as someone to be intimate with...I think I'd rather be with Trace. This 'ring around the rosie' bullshit has had its last rotation. And you know what? It feels good. It feels good to move on.

At least I can say that I had my best friend a few times and LOVED it! Hehehe! Who else can make that claim? He was hot and sexy and one of the most sensual and passionate experiences of my life! know...he's changed. And now I'm changing too. Time for me to reach for the stars on the next boyfriend. Couldn't hurt, right?

Mmmm...I wonder if Trace wants to put it in me? Hehehe! Oh GAWD, that would be hot! Just looking up and seeing that cute teen face looking down on me with a smile....those lush lips kissing me...sighhh...

Trace is the kinda boy who would see me wink at him and instantly pull me into a bathroom stall at the mall! Hahaha! Yeah...I'd much rather have that. I'm gonna flirt with him WAY more tomorrow! By the time Friday comes around....he'll be so hot and bothered that getting intimate with him will be a piece of cake! I can't wait!

Write more later!

- Billy

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