- HA! Word evidently spreads around awfully quick among the rest of the people at my school these days! GOOD! Let them talk! It's awesome! I honestly think more people saw me and Joanna making out in the parking lot after the dance than people saw Janet Jackson's titty at the Superbowl!
Coming back to school was like being a celebrity! I wasn't sure exactly how to feel about that though. On one hand, it was cool to get the stares, the high fives, and that instant acceptance that this whole situation seems to have showered me with. But...on the OTHER hand...I was still trying to figure out what this WAS exactly. I can't put my finger on it...but something about it felt fake somehow. It was like winning an award that I didn't deserve, you know? I had...I mean...I had FUN, right? I just...didn't know why. Or..I mean...I LIKED kissing Joanna...but if I had to pick between making out with her and making out with 'Brandon'...or, like, a mindblowing passionate liplock with the irresistable Jamie Cross....well...ARRRGHH!!! Why does this have to be so FUCKING confusing?!?! Everybody is constantly trying to define who I am before I find out for myself! And no matter what I do, good or bad, it always feels like the clock is ticking and the walls are closing in on me to make a choice. People rushing me to decide. I don't KNOW how to decide yet! Why can't I just feel what I feel without having to slap some kind of definitive 'label' on it for OTHER people's benefit all the damn time? I'm just making this all up as I go along and dodging whatever obstacles there are that get in the way in the meantime. I guess....I should be happy about it...but I'm not. Not completely. I just wish I could start this whole thing all over again and slow it down so I could say and do the right things this time around.
Seeing Joanna at lunch was a strange experience, especially since Sam came over to join us for the first time. It was like...he was accepting her as his future sister-in-law or something. It was weird. Everyone at the table kinda took to him right away though, even Joanna, and embraced him without much effort on his part at all. He was just another one of those walls closing in...and despite our conflict a few days ago...he did it all with a smile. I'm so lost right now. Am I sacrificing a piece of who I am for something that feels good and is looked at, by EVERYBODY, to be some kind of great experience? I mean, I've got cute boys that I'd probably drool over wanting to trade places with me so they could be with her. That's so backwards. I think that in my attempts to be 'normal' I'm ending up even more turned around than ever.
I saw Jimmy earlier in the halls today. I had plans to really give my teacher a hard time and plenty of dirty looks for calling my house and totally RUINING my weekend! But when Jimmy suggested ditching to just wander around together for a while, I kinda took him up on his offer. Even if it ment more trouble in the long run. I don't know what it was, but spending time with Jimmy was a much better alternative. Besides, the bitch OWES me some freedom after what she did! I might as well take my 45 minute vacation right now. We walked around a bit, just chit chatting and sharing a few laughs. It was good to be around someone who didn't have any expectations for me or any gossip to feed into. He was fine just hanging out, and it let me unwind a bit. But there was a different vibe about him somehow today. He was really...content. Not happy, like with giggles and smiles and all...but satisfied. With everything. It wasn't anything that I had ever seen come out of him before. Jimmy was always kinda quiet. Kept to himself, did his homework, dressed nicely, listened to his parents...he was a good kid. The kind of boy all of our parents wish WE were. But he was abandoning that identity more and more every time I saw him. He said he just wanted to live a little for once in his life. Said he had a lot of things that he wanted to do and he was sick of not doing them. Which I guess is an admirable position to take. But it was a complete 180* from what I knew about him. I liked being with him...but it was a bit uncomfortable trying to figure him out all over again from scratch. He's never the same person two days in a row anymore.
I've gotta go. Dinner time! I had some thoughts about AJ today, but I'll have to save those for later! I'll write more soon. Take care!
- They're at it again. Mom and Dad just can't seem to go more than a day or two without getting on each other's nerves anymore. To be honest, I'm actually starting to worry about it. They've never really been this disagreeable before, and I think my situation at school ignited a spark that is burning out of control. They're still arguing as I write this, but I'm trying to tune them out as best as I can. I can't turn up my cd player any louder without pissing them off. I just...I wish they would STOP already! There's nothing on this EARTH that's so important that they can't just leave it alone and be 'civil' to each other for ONE night. I'm starting to think that maybe if I left the house for a night or two, they could get me out of the way and make up or something. All I can do is try to be better in school and stuff. Maybe just help clean up around the house a bit. All the little stuff they fight about, if I could just fix it up before they see it, then they could stop being mad for a little while. I can keep that up for a few weeks, I'm sure. And I'll have to stay out of trouble myself. No need to add to the problem if I can help it.
I saw Simon in school earlier, and you wanna know what he did? He asked me about Joanna and me kissing after the dance...then he asked if I wanted to hang out again. Can you believe that? You wanna know something? I was actually kind of offended. In fact, I was downright insulted. After all the lovey dovey feelings I had for Simon, talking to him and thinking about him and dreaming about him...after inviting him to my house and trying to get him to like me...he pulls this? Oh I see! He hears about me kissing some GIRL, so he figures that it's proof that I'm not som hellbound sissyfied FAG, right? So I'm 'safe' to hang out with again, huh? NOW he wants to get together and be friends. Well to hell with him. What happens if he finds out about me for real? Is he just gonna dump me and never talk to me again? Is he gonna cringe every time I touch him or something? Is he gonna get uncomfortable everytime he thinks I'm staring at him for too long? Well I don't need that anymore than he needs a 'gay paranoia' attack. I LIKED you, Simon! I thought you were cute and I was attracted to you. Jesus, pardon the shit out of me! He's got plenty of straight friends that I'm sure would love to 'hang out' with him. Right?
Oh wait...he DOESN'T, does he? Not brainy little Simon! Too bad. Deal with it.
WHOAH! Ok, the fight between my parents just got worse, and I hear car keys and doors slamming now! I've gotta go! I think I'm just gonna put my headphones on and blast them at full volume now. I do NOT wanna hear this right now!
- Ok, I think Jimmy has officially lost his fucking MIND!!! Do you know what he did today???
Well...you know how he always gets picked on and laughed at by a lot of the other kids, right? Sometimes they really treat him badly, and it's sad to see people be so mean to him, but there isn't much you can do because it's.....well....high school. That's just a normal part of the day. We kinda get used to it. Kinda like war torn countries get used to random bombings while shopping in open markets. It sucks and it hurts...but if you let it eat you alive or don't build up an immunity to it...you end up as a quick snack for every mean-spirited idiot that is lookng to improve his status by crushing yours. It's just....the 'deal' in this place.
Anyway...everybody had pretty much laid off of Jimmy for today. I don't think a single person screwed with him all day. But, you've gotta remember...Jimmy's CRAZY now! So it doesn't matter!
We were in gym class, and Sam and I were kinda goofing around as usual. Well, we see Jimmy walk in from the locker room. So far, everything is normal. Then he makes a beeline right past us. I said hello, but he only mumbled a quick greeting with a grin while passing by. So he walks right over to Jason Froder...the biggest fucking MOOSE in our class, and probably one of the kids that has been giving Jimmy the most trouble since the 4th grade. Jason was talking to a GIRL at the time too, which made it even WORSE. Sam and I are watching all of this from the middle of the gym, mind you. Jimmy walks RIGHT over to him, not stopping for anything or anyone. It's like he was possessed! He grits his teeth, doesn't even say a WORD to the guy.....and PUNCHES HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE!!!! The whole fucking GYM stopped, and Sam covered his mouth in shock! We practically screamed! A did everybody else! Jimmy...quiet little Jimmy LaPlane...just bloodied the nose of a kid that could execute every last ONE of us if he wanted to! I guess he just snapped, he had had enough! We were stunned! We were appalled! What the hell was Jimmy THINKING???? Naturally, Jason grabbed a hold of Jimmy and proceeded to whip the TAR out of him! But Jimmy was actually fighting back, and got in a lot of good punches before the teachers broke it up! And as the teachers took them away, Jimmy walked out on his own two feet. And he was SMILING! Almost LAUGHING! I don't know what the hell got into him today, but God Bless him! I guess that was one of the things he said he 'wanted to do' while we were talking the other day. Mission accomplished, dude. That was awesome, albeit a bit psychotic.
That act was pretty much the talk of the day. You couldn't escape it no matter how hard you tried. I almost wanted Jimmy to be there so he could see how popular he had gotten in that one day alone. To think...all he had to do was take a vicious beating to break the cycle of teasing he had been getting since we were little kids. I don't know what kind of trouble he was in for doing it, but I hope to find out soon.
Joanna was extremely kissy and cuddly at lunch today, and pretty much everywhere else that I saw her today. You know...I think folks are starting to consider me a 'catch'. I almost feel like she shows me off in front of her friends now, and they look at me with flirtatious eyes as if they envy her for getting the opportunity to kiss me whenever she wants to. I'm not so used to having someone hang on my arm or be overly affectionate with me on a continuous basis. So my mind makes me feel slightly uncomfortable with her clingy-ness...but my BODY overreacts to every single touch. I get hard over nothing at all. She runs her fingers through my blond hair, I get hard. She holds my arm, I get hard. She kisses me on the cheek, I get hard. Evidently 'little me' is getting a bigger kick out of this than I am. This is going to take a little more getting used to than I thought it would. I think there are a few 'gay' juices left in me that won't let go just yet.
Whenever I see a cute boy in the lunchroom or the hallway...I just feel like shucking her off of me and looking as 'available' as possible to them. Am I....doing this right? I'm starting to feel like I'm using her, and that's not cool at all. But if I don't at least try this...if I don't at least give this a shot...I'll be wondering for the rest of my life if I had a chance at being straight and just threw it away. Joanna makes me feel good. REALLY good. And if it turns out that I love her, if I actually fall in LOVE with her...then I can put this anguish behind me. This misery and all of it. I can get married and pretend that none of this gay stuff ever crossed my mind. I can get rid of it ALL. Imagine that? Maybe I'll just stick with this and see where it goes. For just a bit longer. Who knows? If this is the way God meant for it to be, I've GOTTA like it, right?
My dad still hasn't come home from the big fight last night. I have no idea where he is or what's happened to him, but I knew better than to ask. The way my mom was slamming down plates at the dinner table, it was 'implied' that I keep my mouth shut and eat my spaghetti without mentioning his name or inquiring as to what happened between them. Fine by me....none of my business. I'd rather not know.
Right now, I just wanna go to bed and disappear until sunshine. So good night, and I'll write more later! Seeya!
ps- I still can't believe Jimmy actually HIT him! Wow....that's just CRAZY!