- You know what I thought about today? What it would be like to really be 'together' with AJ. You remember...the cute boy from the mall? It's almost the weekend again, and I've been moving mountains to keep myself out of trouble so I could go to the mall and see him again. Something inside of me keeps telling me not to get my hopes up, but THAT'S pretty much an impossible feat this time around. I've stared at his phone number a BUNCH of times! I've just been waiting for the right time to call. Whenever THAT is. I don't know what to do. I pick up the phone to maybe just bite the bullet and give him a ring. But I freeze! I freeze every time. The furthest I've gotten so far is five numbers. That's as much as I can dial before I start shaking and sweating so bad that I have to hang up the phone again. Sigh, I'm so WEIRD sometimes, you know that? What baffles me is that...I don't know much of anything about AJ at all other than his name, his sexuality, and one of the places he likes to hang out. Which...of course...is the mall. So...I can't really say that I'm in love with him or anything, can I? He's cute...MAN, is he cute! And that time we were eating together, he seemed really sweet. He's definitely gay, so that's not an issue. And he seems to like me an awful lot. At least enough to say hello to me and make my acquaintance. So he's probably the biggest and the best possibility that I've ever had in my life so far, despite the fact that I'm too damn terrified to call him on the phone. So I SHOULD be jumping for joy inside. And...in a WAY, I guess I am.
But...sighhhh....unless I'm on my way to actually go see him somewhere....I don't think about him all that much. At least, I TRY not to. I wanna be with him, and kiss him, and do all SORTS of the 'nasty' with him...but outside of that, I don't now what we'd do with one another. Is it strange for me to be analyzng such an AWESOME opportunity like this! I mean, it's not like any 'other' boys are paying me the kind of attention that I want. It's not like anyone that I really care for and feel strongly about are giving me any kind of hint that they would be interested in me like I need them to be. So why not go for something that's 'stimulating', right? There's the promise of...well...SOMETHING, here! With AJ, at least I have some kind of satisfaction coming to me. And I look forward to it. But....he just doesn't thrill me the way Brandon does yet. Or Simon. Or Jamie. Or even Sam.
Maybe it's just because I know them better. Who knows? Grrrr! I swear, Billy! If you mess this up by being too damn stupid to realize when you've gotta good thing going...I'll never SPEAK to myself again!
That aside, I saw Brandon at school today, and we had a 'slightly more than brief' conversation. Did you ever notice that people have a certain 'perfect' day that hits them every month or so? A day when they're wearing JUST the right clothes, and their skin is JUST the right texture, and their hair is JUST the right length, and everything about them is completely wrapped around this intense sexual aura that makes them the most beautiful person in the world that day? Well...I think that Brandon was having one of those days today. Maybe even an entire week. And there was one point where he asked me a question, and I was so enchanted by his eyes that I wasn't even paying attention. I was just too busy feeling this rush of infatuation run through me. This weird bubbly feeling that just took over my senses and caused time to slow to a grinding halt...Just for the opportunity to put a stop to the world's outside 'noise' and focus soley on him. Now THAT'S the kinda feeling I wanna have with AJ once I get to know him better. THAT'S the feeling I'm looking for. I always found it strange that my attraction to Brandon was the only one that gave me this particular sensation. I mean, with Jamie Cross...it was like this overwhelming burst of love that charges straight at me like an 800 pound angry gorilla and knocks me off my feet. And with Simon it was this forceful push that made me want to approach him at every minute of the day for something more than what I was previously getting. Some kind of touch or kiss or hug...longing for that intimate contact that would make my whole body tingle. And with Sam, it was more of a frustrating repellant, because he just REFUSED to be what I wanted him to be for me. It was that forbidden fruit that I couldn't have, and I almost resented him for it, but loved him anyway because he was so tauntingly out of reach. But with Brandon? It was just...I dunno....comfortable. In a different sort of way. It just washed over me slowly and made me feel good inside and out. It didn't cause me to duck and hide behind corners, it didn't make me feel like I HAD to touch him to feel his presence, and it didn't matter that he wasn't gay or that I didn't have a chance in hell of being with him. I guess you could say that I just truly 'cared' about him. And that was an added bonus to the whole equation that I wasn't used to. I wasn't even sure if I should be enjoying it or not. I just wanted him near me, and didn't need anything else than for him to acknowledge my almost insignificant presence in his life. Sounds weird doesn't it? Now that I read that back, it's WAY weird! But it's how I feel.
I'm not sure if the rumors I heard are true or not, but as insane as Jimmy has been lately, I wouldn't doubt it. I heard that Jimmy cursed out a teacher and got sent to the principal's office today. I think I need to talk to him soon. Because he's acting way too STRANGE these days! He's starting to worry me, and I wonder if there's something going on here that he's not telling me about. Of course, I'm sure that there's plenty going on that he's not telling me about. But I just want to help him out before he self destructs completely. I mean, I know what it's like to feel like you just don't wanna be 'you' anymore, and any alternative seems like the most liberating thing in the world. But fightng big jocks and cursing out teachers? Those kinds of things have repercussions that he might not be able to handle later on. Not only did he get sent out of class, but instead of going to the office like he was supposed to, Jimmy simply got his bag from his locker...and went home. How bold is THAT? Honestly, I don't think he cares anymore. And as much as it sounds like it would be a cool feeling to have in your life, it becomes kinda frightening when you see that feeling dwelling behind the eyes of someone you know and care about. You know? I hope he's ok and all. More than that, I hope he's not planning some kind of rampaging Columbine attack or anything. Because the way he's acting now...I doubt he'd be too far above it. Something tells me he's hit his limit as far as the teasing and the beatings are concerned.
Yeah...I should definitely talk to him. I'll do it tomorrow. He might just need a friend. You know?
My Dad came back to the house after work like he always did, and there was no real mention of where he was or what happened the other night. He came home, kicked off his shoes, grunted over some bills, came to dinner, and watched some tv. It was the most normal thing in the world. It was such a swift return to his natural routine that I began to wonder if the fight was anything serious at all. So.....is this supposed to be comforting? I know it SHOULD be...but for some reason, it just isn't. I just have this weird feeling that a fight that big should have some kind of...um...'big finale' or something before it gets solved. Maybe I should just count my blessings and keep quiet. I just worry, you know? Let's face it, for my entire life so far, my parents are the only stable thing that I have to rely on. It's all I've got to depend on as a constant while everything else in my world is changing at the speed of light. Without a set of parents to love and nurture me as well as each other....what kind of life would I have?
Ok, I'm getting sappy now. That means time for bed. So I'm going. I'll write more later.
- Oh....wow. I have been staring at this notebook for at LEAST ten minutes now, not knowing where to begin or how to phrase this. I guess this beginning is as good a start as any, huh? Ok.....so ummm.....how do I say this?
Jimmy LaPlane is gay. Like...GAY!!! I know...because he fucking TOLD me today at his house! Just like that. No thought, no warning, no NOTHING! I came in, I had been in his room for all of 90 seconds, and he just says, "By the way, guess what? I'm gay." And I didn't know if he was joking or not, but either way, I was frozen in place for what seemed like an eternity. Everytime I think that this world has hit its PEAK in terms of being strange and unusual, it throws me a curve ball like this and everything gets even MORE twisted than it was before. He was SERIOUS! How could he...I mean...how is it that it was so simple for him to....? I don't even know what I want to say here! All this time I've been looking for some super cute gay boys in our school, and all the time, Jimmy was standing right there under my nose. How did he slip by undetected?
Am I in love? Psh! With JIMMY? No, not at all. I think I'm still kinda shocked by the whole thing. The thought never crossed my mind, not even sexually, to be honest. But I was just...in awe of how EASY he made it look to 'come out' like that! Like he didn't care at all. He just opened his mouth and out it came...smacking me right across the face!
So, I try to act normal and collect myself in front of him. To be honest, I think he got a kick out of seeing me squirm a little bit. "Don't worry, I figured you'd take it like that. It's ok." He told me. "You know, you're the first, and probably the last, person I'll ever say that to? Hehehe!" Did he have any IDEA what words he just spoke in the presence of another person? I don't know if I could EVER do that! It made me more uncomfortable with the revelation than it did him. And before I can really fix myself up enough to react...he drops ANOTHER bomb on me! He says, "Billy? Can I kiss you?" And I'm like WHAT?!?! And he's all, "Come on, we don't have to make out or anything. But I've always dreamed of kissing you. I've been dying to know what it's like." By this time, I was FLOORED! Completely FLOORED! Jimmy LaPlane has been dreaming of kissing ME??? ME?!?!? I think it was written in my natural closeted instincts to instantly say 'no', but he didn't mind the answer much. He didn't care about much of anything anymore. "I know you don't remember, but one day your friend Sam was teasing me about my braces before I got them off, and I felt soooo bad because he was doing it right in front of you. You were so cute, and here he was humiliating the shit out of me. But then...you smiled at me and told me they weren't that bad, and got him to leave me alone. I think I've had a crush on you ever since that day." He said. "And since you've been so nice to me over the past few weeks...and since things are almost 'over', I figured I'd take a shot at finally getting a kiss from the most awesome boy in school. You now?"
I asked him by what he meant by 'over', and he just put his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me. Then he says, "Come on...just ONE kiss? Please? I won't tell anybody!" And I laughed and kindly turned him down. I don't know...somehow I didn't picture Jimmy as being my first kiss. But the second the thought entered my head, I blushed furiously. WHAT? I was nervous! He totally blindsided me! You can't just go from zero to lightspeed like that and expect me to be able to keep up.
He got really happy all of the sudden, and dropped ANOTHER bomb on me. Jimmy told me that he was leaving. That he was finally going to leave all of these assholes behind, all the teasing and the dumb jocks, and the uncaring teachers, and the popular kids who were always pushing him around. He was done with it, and couldn't wait to be gone for good. I asked him where he was moving to, and he said, "I don't even KNOW yet! But it'll be far away from THIS place, that's for sure! And I don't plan to look back either!"
To be honest, I was kinda sad to hear that he was going away. I mean, I was just getting used to him, and now I'm never gonna see him again. All the years we had known each other, and I never paid him any attention. Even when he was so blissfully infatuated with me, did I look over to find out why he'd sometimes stare at me from across the room. Or why he would stand so close to me, but hardly said anything to me at all. Or why it hurt so much more when MY best friend treated him mean or he was embarrassed in front of me. I didn't even know it when I first came over here and he hugged me so tightly. Now he's moving, and I feel like I'm losing a good friend. Forever.
"Don't look so sad. Geez! Hehehe! Be HAPPY for me, Billy! I won't have to deal with this bullshit anymore. They didn't beat me. I win. You get it? I WIN!" I think he was going mental on me, to be honest. But I guess it's a good thing that he might have a chance to be popular somewhere else. Maybe he'll find a new boyfriend, maybe he'll play sports, maybe he'll grow into a real hunk or something. That would certainly beat getting beaten up, ditching classes, and crying in front of a bathroom mirror every day. I should be rooting for him more than anyone. So...I congratulated him and gave him a hug. He started basically bouncing around the room, picking up random stuff and handing it to me until my arms were full.
Shirts and videos and cds and a bottle of cologne that he never opened. He was like, "Here, take it! Seriously! Take whatever you want! You want an Xbox? Hehehe! Go nuts! Anything you want of mine, you can have it. I WANT you to have it!" And I asked him why, but all he could tell me was that I really made a difference, and he was blown away that the boy he had fallen for became the one to come to his rescue. Then he asked me for a kiss AGAIN! He practically BEGGED me for one! Just one!
So...um...I did it. Hehehe, I'm serious, I did! I think Jimmy about fainted when I said yes, and he was trembling soooo bad when I told him to close his eyes! Then again, so was I. I didn't really know what to expect, but...I had to try it out, right? Jimmy couldn't sit still, and he kept wiggling while I hesitated, and he kept opening his eyes again because it was taking me too long. Hehehe, and then...we kinda....um....kissed. Um...yeah, we kissed. I kissed my first boy today. My first boy ever. And it was Jimmy LaPlane! Hahaha! I never saw THIS one coming! Honestly, it was...'ok' I guess. It didn't last long, and he kissed me kinda hard once our lips touched. I think he must have REALLY wanted that kiss! It only lasted a few seconds, and then I felt his tongue trying to snake between my lips, which for some reason seemed really gross at that particular moment. So I stopped after that, and he looked like he had just kissed the end of an opium pipe from the smile on his face. I think he liked it. Then he says, "Wanna fuck me?" Which REALLY caught me off guard, and we both rolled over, laughing outloud! Luckily, he really WAS kidding that time. At least...I think he was. Needless to say, THAT didn't happen. But he got his kiss, so he was satisfied I suppose. He was actually being kinda 'cute' about the whole thing. It changes the way you look at a person, seeing them smile at you like that. From the heart.
So...that's it! This is the first time I ever kissed a boy, and never in my wildest dreams did I think the first boy's lips I touched with my own would be connected to Jimmy LaPlane! One day, if I ever get the courage to tell Sam, I HAVE to tell him about this! Hahaha! Just to see the look on his face! He'll TOTALLY freak out!
I don't know when Jimmy is going to be leaving, but he's officially made himself an important part of my personal childhood now. I don't think I can ever forget him after today. Hehehe! And I'll always remember how he was almost crying tears of joy as he hugged me at the door. He must have been really happy. I mean, I had never seen him like that before. He hugged me for soooo long, so hard, you would have thought that I had given him a winning lottery ticket or something. And then he gave me a plastic bag to put all the stuff he gave me together and I left. The look on his face, with his eyes all wet and his lips all red from kissing me, hehehehe, that's gonna stay with me for a looooong time to come. How I'm gonna look at that kid on Monday morning and not start laughing uncontrollably, I'll never know. Crazy goofball! You gotta love him!
This book is holding a lot of important shit about me, you know that? I LOVE it! So ends the 'Day Of Billy's First Man-Kiss'! Dun-dun-dun! I'll see ya another time! Later!
- I saw AJ today! I saw AJ today! Thank GOD he still remembered me! I must have apologized a billion times for not coming to the mall with Joanna and the guys last weekend because of my parents holding me hostage at the house. But he said there were no hard feelings! And we just had the BEST day together!
It started out with Joanna calling to ask if I could go out this weekend, and I told her I would be there. She actually told me to get Sam to go too if he wanted to. Ever since he ate lunch with us that one day, she's been willing to have him hang out with us. To tell you the truth...that kinda bugged me a little bit. I don't know, something about having that part of my life crossing over into this NEW part of my life didn't appeal to me at all. I felt like I was a different person when I was with Joanna and the gang than I was when it was just me and Sam. And having those two personalities clash in their presence was...you know...awkward. SO...I kinda 'neglected' to call him at all this time. Maybe later I'll make it up to him.
I went out to meet Joanna and Lee at the Northside doors of the mall, and Ted joined us shortly afterwards. By the way, did I mention how damn cute Lee is sometimes? He was kinda dressed up today, and he looked all sweet and goofy at the same time. And he sometimes wears this hat, that's almost like a gangster hat or something. Hehehe, and on anybody else it would look ridiculous, but on Lee, it's adorable! It just made you wanna go, 'awwwwwwwwwwwwww!' Everytime he smiled, I wanted to pinch his cheeks and give him a kiss. It was awesome! God, I wish I could be that cool and that cute at all times of the day like he is.
Anyway, that's not what I wanna talk about! Back to AJ! So we go into the mall, and I'm looking all around for him. I mean all OVER the place! Even Joanna asked me if something was wrong because I was SO clearly not paying attention to anything that was going on with our group. But I was almost desperate to find him to make sure that this wasn't just some kinda weird fluke. That I didn't just imagine him walking up to me a few weeks ago and talking to me in that arcade. That's when I saw him and the girls he usually hangs out with, walking around in a candy store. Damn...he looked cuter than ever! His hair was just perfect, golden light brown, like the color of honey. And his eyes were an especially bright shade of green today, making him all the more adorable. I sorta nodded towards him with a smile as we walked past, and I gave him a signal to stay still just long enough for me to get some space from my other friends so I could come back and talk to him. I got this nervous jitter in my chest, like I was doing something so...'sneaky'. But I kinda liked that!
I ended up breaking away from Joanna and the others when they went into the bookstore. And I hurried back to where I had seen AJ last. He was leaning up againt the wall, and he was SOOOOOO cute! Omigod! I tapped him on the shoulder and his eyes brightened up immediately. He said hi, and I told him all about my test and being grounded and all, and he lightly punched me in the shoulder. And he says, "Why didn't you CALL me, doofus? That's what I gave you my number for." But I think dialing those seven digits in a row, knowing that this unbelievable hottie might hear it ring on the other end, was a more impossible feat for me than learning to walk on water. So there was none of that! I was too nervous to talk to him in short bursts face to face, there's no WAY I'd have the guts to call him on the phone and talk to him at any length. But he let it go, he was just glad that I wasn't ditching him. Then he says, "So you wanna go get something to eat?" And I figured we'd go back to the pretzel place again, but my friends would have seen me there if we did. For the next ten minutes, we tried to find a spot in the mall that would hide us out from our friends if they came searching for us, but no luck. I almost got caught once because Lee came into one of the stores that me and AJ were standing in! So we had to duck out pretty quickly. Finally, we snuck out of the front door, walked all the way across that huge parking lot, and went to a sitdown grill place near the street. Alone at LAST! It's hard to avoid crossing paths with people in a confined space, you know that?
So AJ and I just sat down and ordered some burgers and got to talk some more. AJ's really funny sometimes, and that little bit of 'girlishness' in him is soooo HOT. It's not overdone, just slightly present in his gestures and his voice. He's a real sweetheart, and his eyes sparkle when he smiles. I was nervous, but in a 'comfortable' sort of way, and he did his best to keep me talking like he always did. But when things got quiet, he was like, "You know...I still think you're extremely cute, Billy. I mean it. I was thinking about you. I'm glad you came today." He said, and he bit his bottom lip and rolled his eyes a bit in the cutest way. I LOVED it when he was being kinda bashful! I giggled a bit and blushed, so he said, "I'm sorry...does that bother you when I say you're cute? I can stop if you want." And I told him immediately that it didn't bother me at ALL! I couldn't look him in the eye when I said it, and I couldn't stop smiling, and my face was probably as red as our table cloth...but I made sure that I didn't do anything to fend off his compliments. "So you don't mind? Cool. Then I'll just keep saying it then. Cause it's totally true." He smiled, and I turned to jelly. I really did.
I thought about telling him. Right then and there. Just....open my mouth and say the words. It's not like he could hate me for it. If Jimmy can do it, there's no reason that I can't. I'll just...tell him. And maybe get a kiss out of it.
Sighhh....somehow, actually saying the words is a LOT harder than Jimmy made it look. At least for me it was. But if it's any consellation, I'm pretty sure that AJ knew. And I didn't do anything to try to guide him away from that thought. So...we had a nice little 'date', and then we went back to the mall. He even gave me some of the colored bracelets off of his arm to keep. And my chest just inflated with this huge rush of energy. He made me so weak in the knees, you have no idea! So he told me he'd see me soon, and I said I'd call him this time. And he said, "Suuuuuuuuure you will!" And he was so CUTE about it when he said it! But I promised, and he said 'ok', and then we split up.
You know...this might just be it! I think I might have found somebody that I not only like a whole LOT, but someone who actually likes me BACK! And my mind is going in a million different directions just trying to understand it all. I'm on the edge of something VERY important here, you know that? And everytime I look back at this book, I'm gonna be able to say that I wrote it here first. And I'll remember every detail! Every last one! I'm having the time of my life right now, and I don't EVER want it to end! Not ever!
- Billy (Soon to be Billy & AJ! ::Kiss Kiss Kiss::)