- Um....ok...well...how do I start this thing off?
Okay...um...hello? Great, now I'm talking to a BOOK for Christ sake! OK, well, this is my new journal. I just bought it at the mall yesterday, and I figured I'd try it out. My english teacher told me to keep one for the rest of the semester for a grade. But I'll be keeping TWO journals, and this one is for me. And ONLY for me! The other one I'll fill up with cookies and rainbows and silly little day to day thoughts...whatever will keep people happy with the everyday adventures of your average teenage boy. But this journal, this one is gonna be different. Because no one is ever going to see this. No one is ever going to read through it and grade it. No one is ever going to link the hideous thoughts in this book to me. Not ever.
So um....I guess I should talk about myself a little bit. This being my first entry and all. Well...my name is Billy Chase, and I'm 14 years old (15 in just 10 months though). I'm about 5' 8" with blond hair and brown eyes. I'm a little underweight for my age, but I'm catching up fast. I'm not too skinny, I swear. My voice is starting to come out of that annoying 'squeaky' phase! Thank God! I HATED every minute of it! And to think, my loving mom actually bought me a book for my 14th birthday! One of those sick little "What Happened To Me" books that teaches teenage boys and girls about their bodies and the changes they're going through. I was like, "Eeeeeeeewww! MOM!" But I have to admit that it had some hot drawings of boys in there. Hehehe, I'm so twisted. Anyway, I usually stop myself from rambling on and on so much, but this is MY journal. And if I can't do it here, then where CAN I do it?
That brings me to the scary part. Sighhhh....ok, Billy...it's only a book. No one will read it, right? Ok...here goes. I'm gay. GAY! I suck dick, and I like it! Ugh...omigod, I can't believe I just wrote that! But I promised myself that I'd never use my eraser in this book. And that I'd never stop writing in it until it was completely full. So there. This is the first time I've ever written that word down anywhere before. "Gay"....it sounds so 'dirty' to me sometimes. Nobody knows but me, and I wish I was a little kid again so I wouldn't know either. It's a rough thing to deal with. Some girls think I'm cute, but they really are wasting their time. It's not that I don't like them. But they just don't excite me the way guys do. Like Jamie Cross in the shower! Oh GOD!!! If only I could talk to him, just once! He's awesome! He's the reason homosexuality exists in the first place! So guys can see how utterly gorgeous he is! And his eyes are sooooo cool! And his lips! And everything else too! If there was ONE guy on Earth I'd give my life for, it'd be him. Hands down.
Anyway, I guess that's it for my little introduction. It's probably gonna look pretty lame when I read it again, but I swear, I'll get better. Maybe after tomorrow when I go to school, I'll have more to say. Who knows? I'll be writing in this book from time to time. Using it as a little chronicle of my secret life here. I know I'm living two lives, the straight one and the gay one, but each one has its advantages, you know? Anyway, I'm going to go. I'll be hiding this book among my mixed up papers and old junk under my bed. I have a secret place where even my MOM won't find it. Nosey as SHE is! I'll write you later journal. Take care!
- I thought that I would have developed the nerve to take this book with me to school today, you know...just so I could write in it if something cool happened. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The fear of somebody finding it was just too much to handle. I can just see it now, one of the kids reading it outloud in front of the whole class, jerking it back from me as I jumped madly in an attempt to snatch it back from him. I'd never be able to live with that. So I left it home and decided to come back to it after school instead. I'll take it tomorrow, I promise. (fingers crossed)
Hahaha....now I'm lying to my own journal! I wonder if most psychotics started off this way.
There wasn't anything particularly special about today, though. So it's not like I missed anything major. Jimmy LaPlne told me the same joke like twelve times this morning in gym, and it STILL wasn't funny. Melissa got another "A" on her algebra test, completely wrecking the curve for the rest of us. Grrrr! I wish I could plant a cheat sheet on her or something so the rest of us could look smart for a change. She doesn't seem to mind the dirty looks. I guess some people are just naturally gifted. And naturally, the rest of us have to suffer because of it. Oh...and I saw this boy, Brandon, in the library today. Sigh...ok, well, I guess this is the only place for me to do this, so I might as well talk about him a little bit. Now I'm not in love or anything, mostly because my heart will ALWAYS belong to the undeniably gorgeous bod of one Mr. Jamie Cross! Kiss kiss kiss! FOREVER and ALWAYS!!! God he's hot! (Bleccchhh!!! Is that a bit girlish and gay, or what??? Sorry! Hehehe!)
But, I have to say...Brandon is sooo cute. And he's just amazingly sweet too. I wonder if he ever catches me staring at him every now and then. He's got this light brown hair and these HUGE hazel eyes. Like baby deer eyes, you know? When he looks at you, you can't help but feel it right in your gut. He's pretty tall too, and slim, and soft, and just....cute. He was sitting in the library doing some homework, and I just watched him for a while. And, being the pervert that I am, I looked at his butt too. You know, like when someone is sitting down, and you look at them from the side, and you can see the curve of their ass where their butt meets the chair? Yeah...well...it was a VERY nice 'curve'. I have a science class with him, but we don't talk much. That's okay, I guess. It's only been a month or so since the school year started. It would be nice to just talk to him though. Just on a friendly level, you know? He's shy, but that only makes him more...I dunno...sweet, I guess.
Ok, I'm still learning how to do this journal thing, but I think that's enough for today. Me and Sam are going out to the hill, and I don't wanna make him wait too long.
Oh yeah! Sam! He's my best friend in the whole world. We've known each other, like, forever. I'd actually go as far as to admit that he's cute too, but that would be like kissing my brother. No way. And the "Hill"? That's our little hang out. There's this small little park that nobody really knows about except for the teens in the area, and there is this giant hill right in the center of it. Me and Sam go there to talk and laugh and just shoot the shit after school. Naturally he doesn't know about me being gay, and probably never will. But I can share EVERYTHING else with him and not feel the least bit self conscious about it. Oops!
That's him ringing my doorbell, gotta run! Later!
- Before I start feeling guilty about it, let me just say that I honestly MEANT to take this book with me today to school. HONEST! I just..conveniently forgot before I left the house. Ok, ok, so maybe I didn't.
Look, it's just not time for me to start carrying my heart and soul around with me yet. No hurry, I've got forever. Anyway, enough of that. GOOD NEWS!!! Guess who talked to me today??? GUESS!!! Oh wait, you can't guess, you're a book! Hellooo? JAMIE CROSS!!! He sneezed in the hall while I was walking to class, and I said "bless you", and then he looked RIGHT at me and said "Thank you". Did you hear that? He said thank you! To ME! Normally I'm not so easily impressed, but this is Jamie 'fucking' Cross here! Mr. blond angel, Mr. ice blue eyes, Mr. supercool supersexy dream of every girl and closet homosexual on the planet! I nearly lost my mind! Okay, I'm starting to sound like a true GIRL right now, but to hell with it! Guys have feelings too! We get excited just like anybody else over the little things. No need for me to be macho about the whole affair in here. I want to giggle and sigh deeply when I see the object of my deepest affections just like anyone else. He's hot, and I'm in love with him, and that's that. Wow...I hope he sneezes again tomorrow.
I talked to Simon for a short bit in the halls today too. He's one of those really brainy kids, glasses and all, and damn cute, but nobody notices because he's supposed to be a few notches lower on the social scale. I never understood why they pick on him or exclude him from parties and stuff. He's a good guy, and he's actually cooler than most once you get to know him. I guess he doesn't 'look the part', so their little ideas about who should be voted most popular don't apply to him. Psh! High school. I often wonder what makes one person a god and another a reject in this place. I mean, the rules don't make any sense. Is it based on looks? On personality? On money? On athletic ability? The rules never stay the same for more than a day. And if people aren't cautious enough to morph with the times, they'll go from god to reject so fast it'll make their head spin. I've seen a few jocks fall pretty damn hard. Anyway, I talked to him a little bit every now and then, but we didn't become actual friends until a few months ago. Actually...I'm a little ashamed to say so...but I had a dream about him. One night, for no reason at all. He was just...there...and naked...and ready...and I guess my imagination took it from there.
Seeing him the next day was quite interesting to say the least. I think I subconsciously became better friends with Simon with the hopes of sleeping with him one day. Hehehe, dirty little bastard that I am. But I'm glad I did it. Like I said, he's a good guy. And once in a blue moon, just for a few seconds or so, the sunlight will catch him just right and he'll look sexy as hell.
I'm home alone today because Sam got detention...again. Hahaha, sometimes I wonder about him. What would cause him to think it would be okay to throw Jimmy LaPlane's shoe on the ROOF??? He's a playful soul, but I worry that he's a few sandwiches short of a picnic sometimes, if you know what I mean. Then again, aren't we all? Anyway, I've been home for a whole twenty minutes, and I haven't jacked off yet. Yes...hello world! I'm 14 years old...and I masturbate! More than once a day! More than TWICE a day! More than...well...it's a lot! It's MUCH more fun than homework, it relaxes me, it's good excercise, it improves hand eye coordination, it improves concentration and creative imagery, and it teaches kids to promptly clean up their messes. It's the purest form of education there is for a growing boy, such as myself. So there! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to grab an old sock and make some mind magic happen. Jamie Cross....here I come babe....again!