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And be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...Austin Robert Butler will model underwear for you for every 5 chapters you read....for 12 hours straight (NO separate changing room)!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- As I begin this new journal...this bold new adventure into being someone of actual value in this world...let me just say that I don't feel guilty about any of the things I've done in the last few weeks. If anything, I believe that it marks a new beginning for me. A new direction. Finally, a road that doesn't lead to loneliness and pain.
Finally....a road for me.
You know...I'm not mad at Brandon. I'm really not. I never was. I just....I think that it's too soon for me to jump back into a life where I'm depending on his love and attention to keep me afloat. I mean...yesterday hurt. It hurt a LOT more than it should have. I didn't have any defense against it. No padding. No walls. It was almost as if I was on some barren planet, all by myself, and expecting Brandon to bring me a fresh supply of oxygen to keep me alive. I've decided that I'm not going to do that anymore. There's just too much riding on this ONE person. Too much invested in this one stupid emotion.
So...as I start this brand new book, bought fresh from the mall today, I'm going to make a vow to stand on my own two feet. I just...I think I need to learn how to be more independent before I just...rush into another addiction to Brandon and all that his love has to offer. I mean...for all I know, he's doing the same thing, right? Holding on? Waiting until he's ready?
I don't know...maybe I suck for trying to play the predatory role in Brandon's rebound period. I don't want to be creepy. I don't want to take advantage of something we're both not ready for. We've got an actual history, me and Brandon. It can't be patched up by one little trip to the mall like some weird TV sitcom. I think there's still work left to be done. Both on his end and on mine.
I saw him today in school. The second our eyes met, he was telling me how sorry he was for ditching me at the mall yesterday. And I think he really meant it too.
He was like, "Billy, I just...I heard what happened to Stevie, and I had to find out what happened to him. I found out what hospital he was in, and they wouldn't let just anybody in. Family only. Luckily, one of his uncles recognized me, and after waiting for over an hour, he told them that it would be cool if I went in for a short visit. I'm so SO sorry! I wanted to come. Really, I did."
It hurt. Even when I didn't want it to hurt. Even when the explanation was more than acceptable in that situation. My emotions just didn't understand logic on the same level that I did.
I was like, "No, it's ok. Really. I totally understand." The truth is, I did...but my body was still warning me to close off my emotions from him and avoid the pain. If only for a few moments longer. I asked him how Stevie was doing. And he seemed to be really worried about him.
Brandon was like, "He's...stabilized. At least, that's what the doctors told me. He hasn't woken up yet though. I was kind of hoping that I'd be able to talk to him while I was there...but he's still in pretty bad shape. Those bastards really did a number on him this time."
The feeling of guilt that washed over me began to eat away at my conscious mind like a potent splash of concentrated acid. But, like everything else that hurts right now, I simply distanced myself from it. Brandon included.
I said, "Well....tell him that I hope he feels better when you do get a chance to talk."
I think it really surprised Brandon to hear me say that. Especially with any level of sincerity. He was like, "Oh...um, ok. Yeah. I'll do that." I said my goodbyes and all, but before I could leave, Brandon said, "I really am sorry that I missed out on yesterday. K? I was...kinda looking forward to it."
I don't know. Maybe he was. But that doesn't mean that anything had changed. I found myself just squirming to get away from him. I was too open when it came to that boy. To vulnerable. I'm tired of being vulnerable. Despite what Jimmy LaPlane may think of me...it wasn't my intention to hurt anybody. I just wanted to be in a place where they couldn't hurt me first. That's all.
Whatever. Who is going to understand that? Who is going to even try. Let other people jump to conclusions and make judgements on who I am. They can hate me all they want...but they'll never know what it's like to walk in my shoes. So fuck them too.
Speaking of Jimmy, he told me, "I talked to Bobby yesterday. He went a bit over the top the other day."
I'm like, "A bit over the top? The fucker turned an entire tray of food over on me and Ian. And for what? I'm sure it didn't win him any points with his dream boy, being a raving lunatic."
Jimmy said, "I think he's really hurting over this, Billy. Seriously."
I'm like, "But I didn't *DO* anything! We were just sitting there, eating lunch. Why won't he believe me?"
Jimmy looks at me and says, "So you didn't threaten to take Ian away from him? Because Bobby is pretty sure you did."
I rolled my eyes. "I was just trying to light a fire under his ass, that's all."
Jimmy's like, "I don't think Bobby took it that way."
But I told him, "Well, Bobby is damn lucky that it's ME hanging around with Ian, and not somebody else. Because they would have jumped his bones ages ago. Bobby's wandering around with his thumb up his ass, and now he's gonna get mad every time somebody talks to him? That's bullshit."
He's like, "He's just shy, Billy."
I said, "Well, 'shy' isn't going to get him anywhere with Ian. It's been long enough. If he's not going to push himself to get over it, I don't see any reason for Ian to stay interested. Stand up and FIGHT for your favorite guy, you know?" Jimmy wrinkled up his brow for a moment, but I didn't think that was much of a harsh comment. I was like, "Do you know that I showed Ian just a LITTLE bit of interest in his movie idea...just a LITTLE bit...and he was so overjoyed that someone gave a shit, he practically split at the sides. Why can't Bobby do that once in a while? How hard is that? Can he force himself to make a comment or two? Or does he only care about himself?"
Jimmy's like, "Whoah! What are you being so mean for?" I told him that I wasn't, but he's like, "No, seriously...is Bobby your friend, or not?"
I told him, "Him being my friend doesn't mean that I have to take shit from him whenever he decides to dish it out."
So Jimmy's all like, "No, it doesn't. But why don't you try talking to him without the yelling and pretend that he has a few human emotions rattling around in his chest somewhere? It might work better than treating him like trash just to protect your ego." Jimmy closed his locker, and I was so appalled that he could actually find a reason to blame me for Bobby's blow up that I could hardly speak. Jimmy says, "It's not just about how YOU feel, Billy. Ugh! You'll figure out sooooo much of what's wrong with this situation and man others like it once you actually realize that. Other people matter. Let me say it again....OTHER people matter. Until you understand that and put some effort into understanding his point of view, then you're just as bad as you SAY he is. You'll remain completely oblivious to just how many people you hurt by the things you do. Always. And you won't even know how to care. Because, as you said..you'll only be thinking about yourself. Just keep that in mind."
Psh! Like I'm going to listen to Jimmy LaPlane. He's hardly the candidate to be a 'mentor' to somebody. And he has the scars to prove it. I didn't do anything to hurt Bobby. I didn't do anything to hurt Sam. I didn't do anything to hurt Lee. I didn't do anything to hurt Trace. They're all crazy. Every last one of them. I mean...I know they matter. The question is.....do I matter? When is it gonna be all about ME? I want a turn too, you know?
Anyway, I'm reaching a point where talking to Jimmy is just....weird. I don't like having him look down on me the way he does these days. It's disturbing. I mean, who is he? Right? I thought he...you know...liked me.
So...the big question for today is...did I run over to AJ's house for a sex orgy with him and Robin.
The strange thing is, I knew that they were going to meet at the mall after school...and I kinda.....I went to the mall myself. I mean, I HAD to buy this book so I could write everything down, you know? I know where they were selling well bound books with blank pages for a good place. So I went. Nothing wrong with that.
Well...ok, truth be told....I didn't know what was going to happen when I got there. I don't know if I missed them or what, but I was definitely looking to see if I could spot them together. I'm kind of glad that I didn't. If I had, and AJ asked me to come to his house...I probably would have. And I would have enjoyed myself. The sex would have made this...miserable little 'agony cramp' in my stomach go away. If only for a little while.
I don't know...a part of me is glad that I didn't see them. That I stayed somewhat stable for another 24 hour period.
But another part of me is really hurt that I didn't call AJ and make a point of getting in on the action. I mean, am I being noble by not going? What have I proved? AJ and Robin probably got together and had the hottest sex ever...and I'm sitting here all alone with my thoughts and my inner conflicts....pretending to be better. What for? I haven't changed anything. AJ is going to screw that cute boy silly, and he's not going to care whether I'm there or not. And while 'care' is what I'm looking for....I'd just love to feel good for a while. Just a while.
I don't know. I hope Lee is free this weekend. I just want to get off and make the pain go away. I'll write him an email in a few minutes to see what he's up to. I'd love to get together with Randall, but he's got a condition that is gonna mess up my time with Lee if I pursue it too soon. I'll just...let that linger for a while. Just for now.
I mean, if Lee says no, it'll suck, but it's not really that big a deal. Not like when Brandon didn't show up at the mall yesterday. NOT that I blame him! I care about Stevie too, and I really REALLY hope that he's doing ok! I just....I think I felt his absence a little bit TOO deeply. And that means that I was being too vulnerable again. Can't have that. Lee is better. Lee is safer. I'll deal with Brandon when I come to it.
In the meantime, I'm holding on to AJ's number. I've stared at that piece of paper for longer than I care to admit in this new journal of mine. But I know that I get hard every time I think about it. That Robin boy was soooo cute. And despite the fact that I really HATE AJ's fucking guts....that hasn't calmed my cravings to make mad passionate love to him. Just ONE more time.
And a THREESOME??? I mean...the idea of it is so far beyond anything that I've ever done before. I almost wish I had gone today.
Yeah.....prolly should have gone....
Anyway, I'm gonna go.
I'm keeping AJ's number. If I know him at all, and I'm pretty sure that I do...once he deflowers that cutie from the mall, he'll be back for more. And as far as I know...I have an open invitation to join in whenever I want.
Right now, I'll just try to think about a way to help Trace out before he does something stupid this weekend. I have NO idea what that's going to be, but I haven't forgotten about him and Mikey and their desperate situation. I'm just...stuck for an answer at the moment. But I'll FIND one! I will! I'll consider it extra credit homework. I don't care if I have to sneak them into my room and have them sleep under my bed...I'll keep him from running away. I just...I don't want Trace to go. I know that we had our issues, but...he makes me smile. Straight, gay, it doesn't matter. I just want my spontaneous angel back. And I plan to get him, too.
Still staring at AJ's number.
The idea of random sex without the attachment is sooooo much more tempting than the concept of being crushed by Brandon....or having Lee crushed by me. But I'm trying to be good. I really am.
Who knows? Maybe I'll find something that will make AJ's seduction pointless.
Then again....I might not. Who's to say?
I'll write more later. Yikes, I talk too much. I don't want to use this book up too fast. Gotta stretch it out for a while.
See ya soon...