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And be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...If you do, Jasper Millholin will show you the pics that are too racy to put online for the public!!! ::Nods::*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- 'Other people matter'....
It's something that Jimmy LaPlane said to me yesterday, and for some reason, I can't get it out of my head. I don't know if I'm angry about him saying that to me or if...if I just feel numb to it all. I'd prefer the latter. That, I can say for sure.
I know that people matter. I just...ARGHHH!!! I've spent soooo much of my life worrying about how other people feel. Whether I make them happy, whether or not they're sad or hurt, whether or not Stevie is in pain, whether or not Bobby trusts me around his dream boy (Who I avoided with a passion today. And I even feel guilty about THAT now, because now I'm hurting Ian!), whether or not Sam hates me now. Yeah, I worry. All the lines cross, and it's like I can see all of them being important parts of my life. Parts that I don't want to give up. I cherish them all sooooo much. But...sometimes I feel so alone. I feel like people have made it my responsibility to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes. Just me. Nobody else. Everybody gets to be so selfish. They get to be lazy and make excuses and not lift a finger to help anybody. They figure, "Oh...there's Billy Chase. He'll do it for all of us."
I don't want to be that person.
And yet, I'm just as bad as they are if I'm NOT that person.
So I suppose my only to options are to feel bad about what they do to me, or feel bad about what I do to myself.
I don't like feeling bad. I want to feel loved. I want to feel appreciated. I think I know what Jimmy was talking about. That emptiness. That helpless feeling of being void of any emotional value at all. I just want someone to 'see' me.
Jimmy said that AJ was empty. But as I keep looking at his phone number, thinking of the possibilities it holds, I wonder if maybe he can numb the pain I feel inside.
I know, I know...I said that I'd never be involved with him ever again. But out of all the people I know, the road leading back to AJ is the only one that seems 'trouble free'. He invite me over. 'Come over, and have sex with us'. That's basically what he's offering. No twisted emotions, no break ups with Lee, no complications with Sam....just an opportunity to let go for a while.
How awesome would it be to live without the need for apologies?
Yeah....t's just something that I think about. No need to dwell on it, really.....
So, I got this email back from Lee. Apparently he's busy this weekend. Can't have me over. Haven't heard from him in a few days, honestly. I guess this is one of those times when he's not interested in me. I should have expected it, but it blindsided me just the same.
Do I really want to break up with Lee? I mean...what would I really be missing if I traded Lee for Randall? Lee is...he's awesome, ok? I know that. But...what if I found someone who was a little less...restricted when it came to emotions. I'm sure Lee has his reasons. But they just don't have anything to do with me. How can I keep pretending that I'm not extremely bothered by this?
Still....I don't want to scratch Lee off my list just yet. I still want him with every fiber of my being. If only I could have both, I'd be happy.
Still...it sucked to have Lee disappoint me for this weekend....
Speaking of which, I saw Brandon today. Our conversation was short. I still feel his pull on my heart whenever I see him smile. But, more and more, I find myself shutting down when it comes to dealing with him. I don't want the pull to control me anymore. I don't want his giggles to be as contagious as they used to be. And if I start to think, for one second, that I'm unable to control my attraction and my need for everything that Brandon is as a person....
...Then I'll just have to let him go completely.
Just so long as it doesn't hurt anymore.
Brandon said that he just wanted Stevie to wake up again. That's all he wanted. The look in his eyes...that concern. That affection. I have to admit that I was somewhat jealous. I wish he could find it in is heart to worry about ME like that again.
He's like, "You know, I was thinking about stopping by tomorrow. Do you wanna come with me? I'd hate to go alone."
I almost said 'yes' on instinct...but something stopped me. A knot in my throat that refused to let the words sneak out before I thought about it for a second or two. There's something that gnaws at my ribs about being in the same room with him and Stevie at the same time. I mean...this was my Brandon. MY Brandon! And....I have a great deal of sympathy for Stevie and his situation, but the thought of them together...naked...kissing and licking and sucking and touching...it still drives a rusty nail right through my belly button to even think about it. No...I can definitely do without being in a room with the two of them.
Honestly, for all I know, Stevie might have thrown himself down a flight of steps just to get Brandon's attention back on him.
At this point, I wouldn't put it past him. Devious son of a bitch....
Brandon's like, "Say...you know, if you're not doing anything next week...maybe we can still go to the mall for that coffee or something."
There it was again. That nervous feeling in my stomach. The one I had been fighting so hard to get rid of. I told him, "Um....yeah. Or...I mean, maybe. I don't know what my schedule is going to be like or anything, but...yeah, I don't know..." Deep down, I knew that I had no intention to actually meet him at the mall. I didn't want to set myself up for another fall. But I didn't want Brandon to feel bad about asking. Great. Another sacrifice.
I think he could tell that I was bluffing. Brandon's bright eyes had a way of penetrating your inner thoughts with just a blink or two. But he didn't call me on it. He just said, "Ok. Well...I've gotta get to class, so...."
I'm like, "Ok. Yeah. Me too. I'll catch up to you later."
There was a touch of sadness in the way he looked at me. But he says, "Later...." An then he just walks away. An effective resistance for his charms. Like I wrote before...distance is better. I love you Brandon. I just can't handle the risk of having my heart broken again. I have so little left at this point.
I passed Bobby twice in the halls today. Plus I saw him in the gym locker room. It's too small for us to not run into one another there. He didn't even look at me. But it was in that way where you KNEW that he was really trying not to look at me, you know? I should have been pissed, but I wasn't. I just...I felt completely shut off from him. And it sucked.
Pretty much the same way that being shut off from Sam sucked The same way being shut off from Jimmy sucked. I must be a pretty fucking awful person in their eyes to suddenly have them treat me this way.
One thing that I think that I can be proud of today, though, was my run in with Trace near the end of the day. It's not hard to know where he's going to be when he actually goes to class like a good little boy. He almost rolled his eyes when he saw me, but he stopped himself. He's like, "What? Are you ambushing me in the halls now?" He didn't even say hello. But since he wanted to get right into it, I didn't hesitate to use the few moments of attention that he was willing to give me to make my point.
I said, "Trace, hold up. Listen...give me until the end of the weekend. Ok?"
He was like, "The end of the weekend? What are you talking about?"
I said, "Give me until Monday. Before you do anything crazy? Ok? Give me something to let me know that you'll give me a chance to help you."
Trace is like, "How can you possibly hope to help me, Billy? Seriously. Don't worry about it. Me and Mikey will be fine."
I had to put an arm out to keep him from walking away from me, and he grunted out of frustration. I'm like, "Can you at LEAST give me a few days to think???"
He's like, "I might not HAVE a few days!Don't you get that? I've wasted enough time already. You don't know my mom. She's already in the trenches, loading up on ammo and ready to shoot. I don't have the luxury of having the happy-go-lucky teen life, Billy. I'm not like you." Psh! 'Happy-Go-Lucky'? Riiiiight. If only he knew.
I begged and pleaded and had to physically BLOCK his way to keep him from walking past me. I was two seconds away from jumping on his back and tackling him to the ground, JUST to keep him still! But, after a lot of fighting and fussing, I got him to listen. And I said, "Just give me ONE weekend! Ok? Don't run away. DON'T! Just a weekend." He looked like he was so lost, and I said, "It's TWO days, Trace! Can you do that? For me?"
He hesitated, and he said, "You're not going to be able to solve all of my problems in two days, Billy."
I'm like, "I know. I've just...I've been a shitty person, and I don't have many friends left who care about anything more than how angry they are at me. If you leave...then I won't have anyone left?"
He's like, "So this is all about you, then?"
And I said, "No. That's not it at all. I just...I want to help. I really do."
Trace asked me, "Why?" He was all like, "Why do you want to help me? Why do you want to speak up and make a crusade to support me when you barely even know me?"
And...as if the words came out of some subconscious mantra that I wasn't even aware I picked up along the way...I said, "Because, Trace....'other people matter'."
I surprised myself, but I mean it. I could be lazy. I could be selfish. I could hug Trace goodbye and let him tackle the horrors of the whole world alone. And I wouldn't lose any sleep over it once the initial shock of him being gone had faded away. But...I don't know. What kind of person would I be if I just didn't give a damn? If I didn't make an effort to help. I'm not that person. I REFUSE to be...
Trace looked me in the eye. And, even though it looked like it HURT him to do so...he said, "Billy...you don't have to do this...."
I'm like, "Just give me a CHANCE, Trace? Please? Just a chance." I have NO idea what kind of 'magical' solution I'm going to come up wit in the next 48 hours...but for him, I'll try. I mean, there's GOTTA be an alternative out there to running away from home! There just HAS to be!
So Trace is giving me an extra few days to help him out. I don't know what I'm going to do, but as long as he keeps his promise to me to not run off before Monday morning....I'll be ok!
Believe in me, Trace! Please...believe in me!
I've gotta run. But I'll write more soon. Talk to you later....