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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- The weirdest thing happened today.
Well, a couple of weird things, but I kinda enjoyed those. Hehehe! More on that in a minute.
Anyway, my mom and I were picking up some stuff in the front yard, trying to make it look good and all, and I happened to see Sam come out of his house. It's funny how someone you've known for so long can suddenly seem like such a stranger to you when you see them again. But our eyes connected for a second. Like...not just in a hostile, 'what are YOU looking at', kind of way...but it was almost reminiscent of the way things used to be between us.
Almost. But not quite.
I honestly didn't know what it meant. Not at all. I don't think we've really held eye contact since the last time we had sex. Not for any length of time. I walk to school alone, I eat lunch alone...it sucks. Well, I mean, I've had lunch with Ian, and that was cool. But it wasn't the same without my best friend there. Hell...Sam would probably give Ian the third degree if he was around. Hehehe, he always did that. He looked out for me. Even Brandon got the cold shoulder a first. It's just the kind of person Sam is, I suppose. He makes you work to prove that you'll stick around.
I was planning to stick around. I guess I wasn't good enough.
He walked down to the end of the block and took a left. I figure he was going to the bus stop so he could make his way out to the mall. Sam and I had walked that short journey together more times than I can count. Except...this time, I was sure that he was running off to meet up with Stacey and her friends.
I wonder if Jimmy is there when he hits the malls on Saturday?
They've been kinda buddy-buddy lately. I just wonder if he's ever around. And if he'd tell me if he was.
Anyway, enough of that...
I'm depressing myself. I don't know why, but I am.
Do you know what Lee wrote to me tonight? He says, "I'm really sorry that I was busy today. I kind of promised somebody that I would help them out with a project of theirs before you talked to me. I would feel kind of bad if I just broke off my plans after the fact, you know? But hey, maybe we can do something fun this week. I've got some cash on me. What do ya say?" Then he added that cute little smiley face to his email. The one that should look like EVERY other emoticon on the planet, but coming from him...it just holds a special place in my heart, you know?
I wish I knew what it was that holds me to Lee. It's not just the fact that he's cute and sexy as hell when he wants to be. There's something else. Something I can't describe. There's a vibe about him that I just...I want to be around it. I want to be a part of it. He's just too cool for me to not get wrapped up in it and enjoy the warmth and comfort I find there.
I'm assuming that there's no change in Stevie's condition. If there had been, I would have heard about it. Brandon has been checking in like twice a day. He constantly updates me on Stevie as if I asked him to. Brandon just seems really worried, and I kinda wish he wasn't. Then again, I can't just be like Bobby Jinette and curse Brandon for being attached to his ex-boyfriend when I've already made the choice to not approach him for a relationship myself. I just wish this didn't stay stuck on my mind so much.
In the meantime, I really do hope that Stevie gets better. And NOT just so I can get Brandon's attention off of him again. I'm being sincere when I say that he didn't deserve to be harassed and bullied the way he was. He certainly didn't deserve to be physically hurt. I'm not exactly sure how comas work. I just hope he'll be ok. I hear that no one can really press charges until he's able to give his side of what happened. I suppose he's the missing link in all this. I wonder if he'll even remember it all.
Soooo, on to the 'good' part of my day! :)
Ok...so...I mean, I don't have a boyfriend right now, right? No one that I can call a boyfriend and really mean it, anyway. And lets be honest, there's still a bit of a hardcore slut in me that's eager to get some more action. The thing is...I found myself looking at AJ's number on my desk this afternoon. A bunch of times, in fact. I mean...despite our previous history together, I keep having recurring thoughts of what it would be like to tongue kiss him like crazy again. I mean, the invitation is still open, as far as I know. And giving and receiving pleasure from a hottie like AJ and his newest victim, Robin, is becoming more and more of a turn on for me every time I think about it.
When I look at what I've just written here, I realize how disgusting and slutty that looks. I do. And yet, the degradation of my self worth almost seems more tempting to me because of it. Like...what if I just slept around and didn't give a damn? I know what Jimmy said about how other people would see me, and maybe I'd be screwing myself over in the long run...but for the short term...I don't see anything but pleasure and sexual satisfaction waiting for me in AJ's bedroom. And once I stopped caring what other people thought....what they thought would cease to matter. Let me self destruct. I welcome the aftermath a long as I get to have some fun right before I crash and burn.
I don't know. My mind is going in circles again. But don't worry, I didn't call AJ. For now, I'm keeping what's left of my sanity. But the pull is still there. I crave the sex. I CRAVE it! I'm just...horny as hell, and the boys that I have some 'access' to come with so many complications. Not AJ though. I can just screw him silly and walk away. No hurt feelings on either side. It's empty, but it feels good. And that's what I need. I need to feel good. I can't remember what it's like to be with someone who didn't have a judgement about who I am as a person. I miss feeling like I was just sexy and awesome and the whole world was a big bowl of adventure. Heh...I'm starting to wonder if growing up means overanalyzing everything to the point of obsession.
BUT...the reason that the AJ invitation was soooo mouthwatering to me today is because...hehehe, well, because I got myself a little naughty 'stimulation' today.
Earlier this afternoon, I kinda called Randall's house. I was actually surprised that he picked up his phone, to be honest. I half expected to just leave a message to say hello. We chit chatted for a little bit, shared some laughs, it was fun. Randall has a really cute laugh, you know? It's almost like...this quiet little trembly laugh. Almost like he's trying not to laugh, but he just can't help it. It's adorable. So at one point, while he was having a cut little chuckle, I had this....I don't know...this little rush of infatuation, and it made me want to see him. So I'm like, "Say, what are you doing today?"
Randall giggled again and he said, "Ummm...I dunno. Nothing, really."
He sounded kinda shy when he said it, and that made my smile spread from ear to ear. I said, "Can I come over?"
He's like, "Hehehehe, Billy..."
I'm like, "What? You're not doing anything. I'm not doing anything. So let's 'not do things' together. It's better than being all sad and alone on a Saturday."
He says, "Uhhhh...heheheh, Billy, I don't know..."
But I'm like, "C'mon. Let me come over. I'll be good."
He sighs and said, "No you won't." But he said it with a smile. Then there was a pause. And he says, "My brother is coming home at 6:30, and you're gonna be gone when he gets here. Right?"
I said, "Of course. Whatever you say." And before I knew what hit me, I was on my way to his house. I got hard as a rock a BUNCH of times on the way over there, and had to will it to go back down so I could walk straight.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not head over heels in love with Randall or anything. But the idea of possibly getting him naked made me so damn HOT today! I think the anticipation alone made me feel better than I have all week. It's like all of my troubles and problems and worries had temporarily vanished, and only this giggly joy and the possible promise of sexual release remained. This was it. This was the feeling that I was looking for. I'm a weirdo, I know...but like I said, I CRAVE sex! I've gotta have it. I've GOT to!!!!
So Randall is wearing a slim white T-shirt and pair of really thin, plaid, pajama bottoms when he opens the door. I don't know why, but it looked really hot on him today. And how is it that he always smells like warm candy? Seriously. You know when you go to a carnival in the Summertime, and there's a cotton candy machine somewhere in the distance, and a light wind blows the scent your way? It's just like that. Cotton candy, warmed by the Summer sun, and carried by you on a light whisper of wind. It's arousing like you wouldn't believe!
I didn't know what to do to get him interested. I know that he already laid down the ground rules. If I didn't break up with Lee first, then I doubted that he'd go for it. Which...you know, I could respect that. But...I was hard enough to smash bricks with my penis the whole time, and had to keep pushing down on it with both palm just to keep from attacking that boy on the couch.
I know that he had to have felt something too, because just having me there was making him nervous. Randall giggles a lot when he's nervous. I thought that was cute. I made an effort to make as much eye contact as possible, listening closely for ANYTHING in his conversation that I could use as an opening for hot naked boy sex! But Randall kept looking away to hide his interest from me. And if I said anything even remotely flirtatious, he would say something about Lee to throw me off. Like, "You know, I was talking to LEE about something like that just the other day..." or something similar.
I caught on to his little game, so I decided to twist the Lee conversation around and use it to my advantage. I smiled at Randall, and I said, "Can I ask you a question?" And he said I could. So I say, "You said that you and Lee kinda messed around recently, right?"
He turned bright red in the face from the shock of me even asking about it. He's like, "Billy, omigod..."
I'm like, "No, it's ok. I wanna know. Like...what did you guys do?" Now, I was sitting next to Randall at the moment, but I tried to scoot a little closer without having him notice.
Randall put his hand out and said, "Hehehe, Billy...you promised me that you would be good."
I'm like, "I am being good. What?" He giggled again, and looked away from me, which allowed me to scoot a bit closer.
Randall laughed out loud. He said, "QUIT it! Hehehe!"
But I asked him again, "So...what did you guys do?"
Randall's blush got even deeper, and he sorta used his fingers to pluck at the arm of the couch. He's like, "You know...we did...'stuff'."
I asked, "Stuff like what?"
He grinned again, bashfully covering his face. Then he's like, "Everything."
I raised an eyebrow. I said, "Everything everything?" And I scooted a little bit closer.
And Randall said, "Yes. Everything everything. Why?"
At this point, I was already leaning forward. And I said, "I think that's hot. That's all." And Randall really did try to hold out, but I already knew that he thought I was cute. He always did. So he made a valiant effort but I won out in the end.
Our lips touched. Just a little bit at first, but we got more into it after a minute or two. There comes a time when you know that what you're doing is naughty and wrong, but you've gone so far that you figure you'll just enjoy it for a little while before going back. I felt Randall relax a little bit, and those thin pajama bottoms didn't do much to hide what he was packing in there. And it was impressive. More than I expected. I reached down to rub and stroke it as I let my tongue slide up against his, and our breathing got heavy. I could feel my heart racing at 100 miles an hour. Wow, I was enjoying that a LOT more than I thought I would! Yay, Randall! You fucking HOTTIE, you!
There was a moment, when he stopped, and he said, "Billy? What are we doing? This isn't right..."
But I just took his hand and scooted away from him so I could get enough room to lay down. He resisted. He pulled back for a moment, and I said, "Randall....it's ok. Come here. Really. It's alright."
He whined like, "Noooo....Billy, I shouldn't do this..."
But I just kept pulling him and whispering, "It's ok. Kiss me. Come on. I want you to. Kiss me..." until he was laying on top of me and positioned comfortably between my legs.
We continued to make out until my whole body felt like it had an added electric current running through it. God, he tasted good. Warm candy. I will always remember that scent. Warm candy. Randall is almost as good a kisser as Sam is. Or...um...was. And his body is amazing! I loved it. Firm in some places. Soft in others. My hands roamed over his back, discovering every spot as he humped me on that couch. It felt so good. Sooooooo good. It blocked out everything. I was totally in the moment. Lost. And I loved it.
It was just like being madly in love. Not with Randall, particularly...but with the sensation of a physical connection itself. The affection. The attention to my needs. That alone was enough to make me feel alive again. What a rush.
Unfortunately, when I reached down and felt that awesome ass of his, tightly gripping the supple mounds and kneading them through his pajamas...Randall stopped again. I guess he felt things going a bit further than he wanted them to. And he said, "Billy...no. I'm....I'm gonna stop this, ok? We're not doing this." And he actually got off of me. He was SUPER hard, his hardness poking out in front of him, but he stopped. Arrrgh! He's like, "I really think you should talk to Lee. Ok? I'm serious. Billy...I know that Lee can be a little distant sometimes, but he really cares about you. I wouldn't feel right about hurting him like this. I'm sorry I even went this far. We've just...sighhh....I think we should stay away from each other until you guys have had a chance to talk."
Great. Lee 'cares' about me. Awesome. So does my Grandmother. So does my math teacher. I don't want somebody to 'care' about me right now. I want some SEX!!! Ugh! But what can I do? I can't force him. Not that I didn't try. Instead of making out, I should have just dropped to my knees and started sucking him off. It's much easier to control a cute boy's mind once you've got access to his 'joystick'. Hehehe! But, whatever. He kinda thought that it would best if I left. Which I didn't argue with too much, mostly because I had to jack off, like...as SOON as humanly possible! And I'm sure he did too.
Anyway, I don't consider this a loss just yet. Randall is definitely interested. Just...you know, like I said earlier, he comes with 'complications'. Still, it's possible to get him. I know it is. I'll break him down eventually. And after squeezing that soft, round, ass of his...I wanna tap that! I wanna go CRAZY on those bubbly cheeks! Hehehehe!
So yeah, that's got me all horny and mixed up and staring at AJ's phone number on my desk. I know he'd never stop me after the first kiss. Had I gone over there today instead, I would have gotten laid. One thing that I can say about AJ...he's a sure thing. No candy and flowers required. Just an empty house, MAYBE a quick hello, and then it's hot buttered boy sex! What a concept...
I've got to go. But one last thing before I go....
My mom was being not-so-subtle about me calling my dad again today, which would usually frustrate the living shit out of me...but not today.
If anything, I was actually kinda glad that she did. Because it actually inspired a few ideas within me about the Trace situation.
I hope Trace kept his word and didn't take off on me. Because if I can find him tomorrow morning, and get him to listen to me...
...I might just be able to help him out after all. If only for a little while. I'm keeping my fingers crossed here. This might be a real long shot.
- Billy (Still craving more sex!!!)