Sunday

- I think I did a good thing today.

I don't know if it'll last. And if it does, I don't know for how long. But at least I gave it a shot. Sometimes that's all you can do. It's better than nothing, right?

Anyway, before I get into that, I want to make a confession. I was up late last night, and I was still thinking about Randall from yesterday. I mean...at first I just thought that it was a fun time. Something kinda freaky to turn me on and feel good. But the more I think about him, the more curious I get about the whole situation. I keep thinking about how amazing the sex would be. About just letting loose and having him give me the green light to go all the way. Randall doesn't seem like the kind of guy to put tabs on me or try to lock me down all for himself. I can understand the whole deal with Lee being one of his best friends and all...but outside of that, he might even be cool with the whole 'open relationship' idea. No commitment. Nobody gets smothered. Nobody gets hurt.

It's not really what I wanted from another boy, but...for now, it's the safest route to go. I don't know. I just gotta stop thinking about him. I've got enough shit on my plate. Besides, if I dump Lee for a second time, it's gonna crush him.

Arrrgh! I thought I was done with this shit! How did I fall back into this trap? I was better off not caring about anybody but myself. It might have been mean, pathetic, and lonely, but it wasn't half as stressful. I guess I'm not sure what I want and what I want to trade in to get it. Sucks....

Anyway, I wrote Randall an email. It was JUST a short one. Something to say 'hi', you know? Well, I said a little more than that. I told him that I had a good time yesterday. A really good time. And I sorta told him that I'd like to get together again some time soon. Again, I used the words 'hang out' to get him interested...but I really meant fuck like a couple of rabbits in heat.

Wait...do rabbits go into heat? I should have paid more attention in my biology class, or whatever.

I still haven't answered Lee yet. I will though. It's not like I hate Lee or anything, I just...I never know if he's actually going to be in the mood to treat me with some level of affection or not. One day he's up, one day he's down, and what *I* want never seems to matter to him either way. I think Randall would be a bit more...hmmm, consistent. And that could be really fun for the both of us.

Anyway, I said that I was going to stop thinking about him, and I am. Starting now...

...At least until tomorrow.

I talked to Brandon briefly tonight after dinner. Surprisingly, it wasn't a long, boring, worry-blabber about Stevie and his current condition. Brandon did mention that he's getting better, and that it looks like he'll be ok. But he hasn't woken up yet. So that part is still kind of up in the air. I'll feel better once he's all better and out of the hospital, at least. That should be enough to put my mind at ease. Brandon's too.

Anyway, it seemed a lot like Brandon was trying to distract himself from his problems. A welcome turn of events. But it didn't feel like he was using me or anything. He genuinely just needed a friend to talk to, and I was the first person that came to mind.I suppose all that hard work into playing the high school Messiah all the time does pay off every now and then.

Besides, it's nice to know that he thinks about me.

We got a chance to catch up on a few things. Small things really. The he says, "I don't want to sound weird or anything, but I feel really distant from you these days. I suppose a lot of that is my fault, but...I mean....are you ok?"

I'm like, "Yeah. Why do you ask?"

He said, "You just seem really different these days. I used to see you in the halls all the time, but now I hardly see you at all. Not with Jimmy, not with Bobby, not even with Sam. I haven't seen you in the lunch cafeteria for a long time. You haven't stopped by the library. It's like you've become this 'ghost' all of a sudden."

I didn't know what to tell him. I'm like, "Yeah...I've kinda been...re-inventing myself these last few weeks. So...I guess some people in my life couldn't really handle it."

Brandon seemed confused. "Re-inventing yourself? Why? What was wrong with who you were before?"

I'm like, "Who I was before was....exhausting, to say the least." There was a pause on his end, so I kept going, like, "I just needed a change. You know? I may not totally like the person I'm turning into, but I just needed the change."

Brandon said, "Who wants to turn into somebody they don't like? That doesn't make any sense." He wasn't trying to be mean or condescending. I think he was generally confused by my decision.

I tried to explain to him, "I just think that I'm better off being a different person altogether sometimes. So what if I piss a few people off along the way? I don't care what people think about me. Let them hate me. I'd rather be one of those people who actually gets something out of life instead of always giving it away to other people."

Brandon giggled and said, "You mean the cynical, selfish, asshole types? If you ask me, the world is too full of them as it is. That's why it's so screwed up in the first place." I didn't share the laugh with him. But he says to me, "Billy...does helping people and being the best person that you can be each and every single day make you feel good?"

I'm like, "Yeah..."

So he says, "And this 'new' person that you say you're changing into, who's selfish and only looking out for himself and pushes all of his friends away? Does that make you feel good?"

I'm like, "Well, not ALL the time. But sometimes it does. I mean...well...I'm just trying to protect myself. I'm sick of life sucking so hard. I'd much rather have some joy of my own for a little while."

Brandon kinda shocked me when he said, "Then maybe you should find the love in who you really are and what you do for others...instead of looking for somebody else to do it for you." I think something about that statement just....it kinda stuck with me. I think it might always stick with me. Brandon was all like, "Billy, for what it's worth, I think you're an amazing. Don't change that. Not for something as shallow as being like 'everybody else'. You're special. Stay special. Leave the snakes in the snake pit. You're better than that."

Great....somebody else who thinks I'm 'better than most'. You know...I don't even take that as a compliment anymore. I think I'd be better off not being better than anybody. I wanna be worse. I wanna be a lowlife. I want to be that asshole that people regret ever having contact with. Something tells me that I'd have more of an impact on the world if I did. People hate me anyway. So what do I have to lose, right?

Brandon's sweet...but he's not enough to make me feel like a saint again. I don't think anybody is. I wish I could spread this mentality of mine and drag the rest of humanity down with me like the Joker. Let's ALL be miserable and selfish together, you know? I hate myself...and I don't want to be alone in that activity.

I think that's a huge part of why I keep looking at AJ's number on my desk. If I'm gonna hate myself and be a mindless slut....I might as well just call him and go all the way. What am I waiting for? He's waiting for me. It's access to something that will make me feel better about myself. I should just do it. I have so little left to keep my straight these days.

Anyway, all that aside, I really DID do something good with my life today. Perhaps the ONLY thing keeping me sane. The ONLY thing that makes me feel like a human being. Someone who cares about someone other than myself. Having someone care about me in return. If only I could get that magical feeling of accomplishment from random fucking alone....I might be a more complete person.

Don't worry, I'll explain...

I called my dad today.

To be honest, I wish that I had done so a few times before now, since I was asking him for one of the biggest favors EVER....but I called. I hope that can be the major point of this whole situation.

It took me the better part of twenty minutes to work up the courage. I waited until my mom was out of the house. The last thing I needed was for her to find out what I was up to. Hell, it's foolish to think that she won't just find out later. She always does. But for now, a little privacy was super important.

It was awkward. I couldn't have been more clumsy in my approach if I tried. But after a dozen or more attempts at trying to say what I needed to say without sounding completely crazy...I just came out with, "Dad? I think....I think I need your help with something. Something big..."

That's how it began. Me telling him about the friendship that I had been keeping with Trace, and his little brother, Mikey. I told him about his situation, and the drinking, and the psycho mom, and the ditching class...geez, the more I tried to cushion the blow, the worse Trace sounded to me. I didn't know whether I was hurting his chances, or making him such a bad case that it might help to get his foot in the door.

My dad wasn't having it at first. In fact, I got three definite 'NOs' before he even considered it. His exact words were, "I'm not harboring a fugitive teenager in my house. Are you insane?"

I'm like, "Dad, please? It's JUST for a little while. Just until I can get him to think straight and find a better way out of this." There was a pause on his end, and I had already been hammering him with shameless begging and pleading for a good ten minutes straight. I saw a tiny weakness in his armor, and I knew that I ha to take a shot while I still had the chance. I said, "Dad...he's gonna run away from home. Him and his little brother. I'm just...I'm trying to do the right thing here. Can you please...please help me?"

Maybe I had no right to ask. Maybe I was taking advantage. But I really did have the best of intentions. I just wanted Trace to be ok. He's my friend. I want all of my friends to be ok.

Another long pause. Then my dad says, "I'll have to buy some extra groceries. Don't bring him by before 6 O'clock." I started to jump for joy and scream a thousand thank yous in his direction, but he stopped me in mid jump. He's like, "Let me make something VERY clear, Billy...I don't like this. Not at all. He can stay for a night or two..but after that, we go to talk to somebody who handles these situations for a living. We get him some legal and professional help."

I'm like, "Ok! That's cool!"

My dad's like, "I want to talk to his father directly. I want to make sure that he knows where this Trace character is at al times, and I want his consent. No sneaking around. His father says no...then the answer is no. End of story."

I said, "That's totally doable, I'm sure!"

Then he says, "And the drinking and the ditching school and staying out at all hours of the night? NOT under my roof. You know that I won't have that going on in my house."

I was like, "Trace will be on his BEST behavior!!! I promise!" I was practically wiggling my toes at the idea of my dad saying yes to something like this. Especially at the last moment.

I raced on over to Trace's house, and I rang the doorbell about a dozen times...and I didn't get an answer.

My heart started pounding really hard, and I was almost ready to CRY at the thought of Trace breaking his promise to me. Did he leave? Did he just lie to me to get me off of his back and then just run away from home anyway? I would hunt that boy down myself and kick him right in the ribs if he bailed on me. I swear to GOD I will!

Then I head a pint sized little voice call my name out from the sidewalk. Like, "Look, Tracey! It's Billy! Hi, Billy!" I don't think I was ever so happy to hear Mikey's voice.

Trace was a bit hesitant to show any emotion on his face, but Mikey was already running up to hug me around the waist before he could grab a hold his hand. I lifted Mikey up and held him on my hip for a moment, sharing a giggle or two. Then I made eye contact with Trace for a moment, and said, "Hey..."

He responded with a mumbled, "S'up...?"

I said, "You stayed."

He's like, "I said I would."

I nodded. Then I told him, "I'm glad." I also added, "It means a lot...you taking a chance on me."

Trace just shrugged his shoulders. And he said, "Well...gotta believe in somethin', right?"

He didn't want to let it show, but hearing that just made me smile...and that made a gentle smirk break out on his face too. Next thing I know, we're getting his bags and taking them over to my dad's place. I had absolutely NO idea what to expect, but once my dad laid down some strict ground rules and all....a few deals were made, and it looks like Trace has a place to crash. At least for now.

Like I said, though...I don't know how long this is going to last. But if it keeps Trace from being a rolling stone for a few days...I'll be happy.

Where things go from here...who knows? But despite some of the more sour parts of my life, I'm happy about helping Trace stay on his feet.

Now..if only I could do the same with Bobby Jinette.....

I've gotta run. It's been one hell of a day. I'm actually going to bed early tonight. I'll wake up early and finish my homework then. Right now, I need sleep.

Laters! And wish me luck!

- Billy