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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)


- It rained today. Maybe it was the grey skies and damp clothes that had me feeling kinda down all afternoon. Well...not even 'down' really, just...blah. Some moods just weren't meant to be explained I guess. I just have a lot going on in my head. Concentrating on schoolwork seems to get in the way. I just think real life and school don't always mesh like they're supposed to.

The whole school is whispering back and forth about what happened to Stevie. Even though nobody came right out and said that Stevie was wasn't hard to tell that it was the million dollar question. It's not like Stevie was overly effeminate, but he would have a hard time defending his sexuality once someone took the time to notice him as more than just a random face in the hallway. I haven't seen the gossip mill this stirred up since Jimmy's suicide attempt.

Does this mean that Stevie is going to be outed when he comes back to school? I mean, it seems like it's going to be pretty much unavoidable at this point. How is Brandon going to deal with that? It's going to be hard for him to just pull the whole 'we're just friends' routine anymore. Brandon's WAY to cute to just be friends with a gay boy. Everybody's going to know what Stevie wanted from him, and when they think about how close they were, they're going to know that Brandon gave it to him. Maybe I'm thinking too much about this. Who knows? It's just...if I remember correctly, Brandon was never too fond of the idea of being completely out to the whole school. I knew, sure. But I was a special case. And so was Stevie. Then there was Bobby Jinette...which...was a big mess in every way imaginable. But outside of our little circle, he didn't let anyone know. Ever.

When Stevie comes back...I wonder what's going to change. I just wonder.

I caught sight of Ian kinda peeking at me from around a corner today. Hehehe, I thought it was cute. What the hell was he doing? I giggled a bit, which I guess he took as an invitation to stop being goofy and just walk up and talk to me. I was like, "What were you doing?"

He's like, "I was trying to figure out if I should come up and talk to you or not." I thought that was weird, so I asked him why he thought there would be a problem with it. He says, "Well...after that whole thing with Bobby in the cafeteria...I didn't know what to think. I mean, I know he's your friend and all. I feel weird about getting in the way."

I gritted my teeth a bit, but managed to let him know, "Dude, Bobby's being a freak right now. Don't pay his psychotic behavior any mind at all."

I asked Ian if he had talked to him at all, and he's like, "No. Bobby's either pissed at me or he's ignoring me. I don't know how to talk to him anymore. Everything I say or do is wrong. I mean, I used to really want to get to know him...but..."

I'm thinking, 'No No No No No!!!' I did NOT want Ian to give up on Bobby! Not only will it permanently damage Bobby's heart, but he'll think it was me for sure! He'd never ever forgive me, my fault or not!

I'm like, "Dude...look...I'll...I'll talk to Bobby and see what's going on with him. Ok?"

Ian gave me a strange look. He said, "Are you sure that's a good idea. I mean, he seems pretty angry..."

I said, "Well, then we'll just have to slug it out then, won't we?" That made Ian smile. I saw him turn pink in the face, and as this infatuated sparkle came to his eye, I decided to dial it back some. I wasn't trying to flirt or anything. I was just being me.

Then again...just being me is how I got Bobby so wrapped up in me. I don't know what I could be doing to put out that kind of vibe all the time. I really don't try to do it on purpose.

I just told him, "I'll do what I can. K?" I know Ian likes Bobby. They just need a chance to connect, that's all.

Then....Ian's like, "Can I walk with you to class or something?"

Nooooooo! He's supposed to be walking with Bobby to class! Not me! I'm like, "Nah, it's ok. My class is way waaaaay on the other side of the building. I'll be ok?"

He's like, "Are you sure? Maybe we could talk about the movie and stuff. Summer is less than two months away. Everything will go much smoother if I have everything all written out and planned by then..."

I had already started walking away, hoping that he wouldn't follow me. Turn it off, Billy! Whatever you're doing...turn it off. I said, "That sounds awesome. You just keep working on it, and I'll talk to Bobby, and maybe we can all get together and talk about it then. K? See ya! Later! Bye!"

Ian hardly had a chance to say anything back to me before I darted around the nearest corner and down the stairs. I am NOT trying to steal Bobby's boyfriend! Or...potential boyfriend! Whatever! I swear...we're just friends. He's cute, Not doing it. I've learned my lesson about that kind of thing. That's what mistakes are learn from. Am I right? So yeah...Ian's cool, but I don't want any part of that situation. That's only going to end up being a painful experience for everyone involved.

He's still cute though.

I saw Brandon in the hall today, but I didn't talk to him. He seemed to be just...wandering around in a state of bliss. I guess seeing Stevie in the hospital was just what he needed. I also saw Trace, who seemed to be feeling just as great. The only person feeling grey on this rainy Tuesday....was me.

It was an emptiness. And I didn't know how to fill it. I didn't have a clue. By the time I had gotten home, once again dampened by the rain, all I could do was mope around the house in silence, wishing that something would happen to either define or distract me from the problem. I dried my hair and took my shirt off to sit at my computer. I wasted some time, just looking for something to occupy my time, when I got an email from Randall.

I opened it up, and it said, "Billy...I got your email the other day, and honestly, I'm flattered. I just...I know that you haven't talked to Lee yet. And I just feel really bad about this whole thing. I don't think it would be a good idea for us to get together. In fact...I mean, I really like you and all...but maybe it's best if we just cut communications altogether. I'm sorry, but I find myself thinking about you too. And, frankly, I don't want to. Not like this. Please understand." Then, at the end, he added, "Maybe, if things were different...we might have had fun."

It was a sad and somber end to a sad and somber day. I don't even know what he meant by that, really. My head is too full of fog to even decode that little message, even though it seems like it should be really simple to understand. So is he interested in me or is he not? Is he waiting for Lee to be out of the picture, or is he saying that he'd feel weird about this either way? Who knows?

All I know is...I'm still thinking about him. Still thinking about grabbing two handfuls of his ass and pressing those sweet girlish lips against my own. This is so stupid. I JUST told myself that I had learned from my mistake with Bobby and Ian...and here I am getting stuck in it again. I should have learned my lesson from being in between Brandon and Stevie...but here I am....getting stuck in it again. More complications. More feelings.

It's times like this that I wish I had someone close enough to me to talk about things like this. Just a friend that wasn't connected to all of this madness. Someone that I could be as honest with as I am with this book. Not even Sam fits the bill when it comes to having someone like that. Anything too 'gay' makes him squeamish. And that's when he was actually talking to me. Brandon and I have certain 'barriers' in our conversation that can't be broken. How can I talk to him about being interested in other boys? Jimmy's gotten all self righteous on me, Bobby can't stand me, and Lee is too self obsessed to care. I guess I'm just feeling alone tonight. Totally grey. Like the rest of my day.

At least I still have my journal, right?

Sorry. I wish I could be happy. I wish I could put on a happy face for everybody else's benefit. God forbid if I ruined their day. Sometimes, I'm just not in the mood to perform for an invisible audience. is just life.


- Billy

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