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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...Teddy Geiger will make out with you for seven hours straight if you do!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I think I'm a terrible person sometimes.
But this time it wasn't just because of something that I did. It's also because I don't feel as bad about it as I thought I would. I'm almost trying to punish myself, but I just...I don't feel the guilt and anguish that I should be feeling.
What is this all about? Sometimes it's ok to feel selfish, and sometimes it isn't? Sometimes it's ok to hurt people, and sometimes it's not? People matter, I matter....but what happens when both sides can't win? If I go out and do something all for myself and only care about my own interests...everybody HATES me. 'Billy's so selfish and mean! I can't stand to look at him anymore.' But when I don't look out for my own interests and care about other people, then 'Billy's just a doormat and he let's the world take advantage of him. He's so weak and boring.' Well, I'm fifteen....so what the fuck am I supposed to do? How can I win? Who's got the perfect answer? Do they have a website somewhere online where they just have ALL the answers and are willing to share them with the people who desperately need them? Where are all the hot shots? Or does hurting the people around them come easy as long as they can benefit from it? If that's the case...I might not want to be around them anyway.
The worst thing is...I think I'm becoming one of those people. One of those 'fuck the world, it's all about me' people. And it bothers me. It really does.
I'm turning into the kind of person I friggin' hate.
The day wasn't a total waste though. I actually kept my promise to Ian, and I went to Bobby's locker to tell him to meet me at lunch to talk. I've never seen Bobby Jinette roll his eyes with more disgust as he did when he realized that I actually had the 'audacity' to talk to him.
The first thing he said to me was, "What do you want?"
I'm like, "First of all...I'm not here to fight with you, Bobby. Ok? That's not what this is about. I just want to talk to you."
He's like, "Talk to me about what?"
I hesitated for a split second, but figured that I'd have to say it anyway. I'm like, "We need to talk about Ian."
Another eye roll. Bobby sighs like, "Whatever. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you."
I have to admit that I got a little upset over that comment. I told him, "Yeah, well you're NOT me. Because if you were me, you wouldn't be IN this mess right now. I'm trying to save the last few shreds of hope you have in keeping Ian's interest, and you're throwing it back in my face. All because you're pouting over something that I didn't even do. Now do you want help, or don't you? Because after your little outburst last Tuesday...you're about to lose him for good. I hope you're away of that."
Bobby looked like he was trying really hard to stay angry at me, but he had this really weak and desperate look in his eyes, you know? Like a little boy who had just lost his balloon at the park. He didn't want to give in, but I think I had given him enough of a reason to worry.
I said, "Look, I'm going to class. Meet me outside at lunch, or don't. It's up to you. But I'm starting to think that you've used up all of Ian's kindness points with this whole 'love from afar' attitude of yours. He doesn't think you're interested, you don't want to communicate, and he'll be moving on soon. And when he does, you'll have to go through the rest of high school knowing that you never even took a shot. It's going to hurt. Believe me. It will."
I left him with that, hoping that it would linger on his mind and not only get him to truly consider making a risky leap of faith towards Ian...but maybe begin the process of patching things up between me and him on top of it. I mean, Bobby was making such great progress when it was just me, him, and Jimmy. Then Ian entered the picture, and his emotions got all twisted up and out of control. I miss seeing him smile. It seems like it's been so long since I've seen that sweet Bobby smile.
But you know what? The bastard DITCHED me!
I waited outside for him for half my lunch period. I really expected him to show up. Nothing. Nada. So...I guess he really must hate me then. At least that's the message that I'm getting. There might be another explanation...but he certainly couldn't say that he was going to see Stevie in the hospital like Brandon did. So he'll have to come up with a better excuse than that one.
Maybe Bobby and Ian weren't meant to be after all....
Trace seems to be having a blast at my father's house. I don't if it's just him getting extra sleep or better food for dinner or what...but Trace just seems to be getting more and more beautiful by the day. I mean, like...physically gorgeous. I had to stop myself before blurting it out loud today. I almost couldn't help it. Trace's eyes were shining just a bit brighter than normal. So CUTE!
You know, I was glad to have my dad help out and I was hoping that he'd be able to get along with the rules of the house. But I didn't think he'd be so overwhelmed by the whole experience. I don't think he even know how much he was raving about it all. And Trace doesn't rave. Trace is way too cool to rave.
He was like, "Honestly, Billy....your dad is really really cool. I mean, every night we just kinda turn off the TV and 'talk' for a while. Just....talk. I kinda like that." Before I could get more than a few words out, Trace said, "Do you know that he actually found some way to get Mikey to brush his teeth every night before bed and every morning before school? I had to practically threaten that boy with pain and torture to get him to do that. He actually puts Mikey to bed, and takes him to school, and takes ME to school...it's weird."
I'm like, "Weird?"
He said, "Yeah. I mean...my dad? Psh! I couldn't count on him for anything other than passing out by 9 O'clock. Now that your dad is around to actually give a shit about us, I just....I don't know. Hehehe, I don't know what to do with all the free time and energy. I even wasted some of it on homework, if you can believe that." Wow...he sounded like he was....really having fun over there. Trace says, "I have to make a confession though. I kinda went to Mikey's school yesterday afternoon. I mean....it was raining and all, and I'm so used to my dad being such a screw up...I guess I worry. I hid about a half block away...but I wanted to see if your dad was really going to show up. And....he did. He eve bought an umbrella so Mikey wouldn't get wet walking to the car. My parents never would have done that. Never."
I think a part of me wanted to find a downside in all this. I was like, "But watch out. My dad can be a bit of a chore Nazi when he wants to be. He's being nice to you right now, but..."
Trace cut me off, like, "Oh, I know. He gave me a list of things to do every day around the house. I ashamed to admit it, but I never really set the table for dinner before." He was blushing a little bit, but...I don't know. I didn't understand. Even chores made him happy now? He's like, "I really don't mind it at all. Heh...your dad is just awesome. I've got a roof over me and Mikey's head, 2 home cooked meals a day, someone who talks to me and actually listens to my answers...I've finally got a home life that I can speak about in public without feeling like trash. If all I've gotta do is make up my bed, keep my room clean, and wash a few dishes...I'll take it. I'll take it ANY day." I heard the bell ring, and Trace actually got anxious to get to his next class. He says, "I've gotta run. I have a killer test next period, and I totally feel like I can ace it today. I'll check ya later, Billy! You're a lucky guy, man. Super lucky!"
At first, I didn't get why my dad was being so extra sweet to Trace and Mikey when he was so mean to me. Then again, I guess I was on punishment at the time. But...maybe Trace looks at it differently. I don't like to think that I take my parents for granted...but I'm starting to think that maybe I've been making things out to be a lot harder than they really are...when I consider the alternative. I mean, if I had Trace's parents and a little brother to take care of...would I have been able to survive it as well as Trace has? I don't know. It's a weird question to ask yourself.
Anyway, if I'm reading this entry years from now, I might be wondering why I suddenly think that I'm such an awful person.
That little incident happened after school...
I think I was still a bit miffed over Bobby ditching me at lunch when the last bell rang today. I didn't want to bump into him in the halls or anything, so I grabbed my stuff out of my locker and rushed outside as fast as possible. If I had to look at one more Bobby Jinette eye roll, I was literally going to reach out with both hands and choke the living SHIT out of him until those same eyes popped right out of his head!
I think I was lost in my thoughts when I found a surprise waiting for me out in front of the school.
I couldn't believe my eyes, but there was Lee...all dressed up in his sexy school uniform, with his hands in his pockets and flashing me that amazing smile of his. You know...there was a time when just the sight of that boy would make me want to tackle him to the ground and screw him silly...
...But I've been trying to get better at controlling that.
I'm like, "Hey...what are you doing here?"
And he said, "Well, somebody didn't write me back and tell me whether or not they wanted to hang out some time this week. Hehehe, so I figured I'd take some initiative and just swing on by. See what you were up to. I haven't seen you in a while." Lee looked so...happy. I mean, I know that he was being sweet and all, but I really wasn't expecting this. I started to fidget instantly, unsure of what to say. Lee was like, "You wanna get out of here? Maybe pay a visit to the old jellybean store and pick up some goodies? I'll buy? I need my sugar rush."
There was something inside that wanted to go, just to keep that adorable grin on his face. It just wasn't strong enough to make me accept his offer. Lee was making an effort, and it was always cool when he did that. But...I knew it wouldn't last. A day or two, maybe. Possibly through the weekend if he was trying really really hard. But this whole 'open affection' thing just doesn't come naturally to someone like Lee. With Brandon, it was easy. Brandon gave his love away as though he were trying to get rid of it. He practically smothered you with it every chance that he got and he never once held back. THAT was the kind of thrill that I was looking for. I don't want to feel like I'm pulling teeth with greased pliers just to get somebody to tell me how they feel. And Lee was just one of those people who had to constantly make a conscious effort to remember to....be 'nice' to me. To care, or to listen, or to talk, or to hug, or to kiss...it was a real chore for him to open up. And I doubt that he enjoys chores as much as Trace does.
I thought about what I told Bobby. About how Ian was reaching his limit. How he was going to lose interest and never get it back again. I think I've gone past that line with Lee. Cute as he was...I had lost the feeling that kept me glued to him. I had built up this strange immunity to his looks and his charm...and he was...I'm sorry to say...
....Just another boy to me.
Things could have been different. Hell, even when Randall was rejecting me...at least he told me what was on his mind. At least I know where I stand. With Lee...my guess is as good as any stranger on the street as far as what is going through his head. The connection had been broken. And I didn't know whether or not I wanted to fix it again.
With Lee, everything was held together with duct tape. It's hardly a repair at all, just a temporary postponement of an inevitable crash. Why wait for it?
I told Lee that I couldn't hang out today. I told him that I had a lot of stuff to do at home and a ton of homework. I told him that maybe we could get together this weekend or something.
I told him everything but the truth.
That we were breaking up, and that I was just buying time to see if I could do it without him staring me in the eyes like that. A cowards way out. But a way out, nonetheless.
Lee gave me the cutest pouty face when I said no. Those kissable lips all pursed out and bright pink. Hehehe, aww! But I stood my ground. And he gave me a hug before we went our separate ways.
I'm going to tell him. I think I should do it tomorrow. Or....maybe the next day. He didn't do anything wrong...he's just not the kind of excitement that I'm looking for.
Again...I should feel really really awful for writing this here. But I'm not. In fact, I almost look forward to being done with his infatuation with me. I'd breathe a sigh of relief if he just conveniently....went away. If I could just move on without having to deal with this. Lee's forgotten about me before. Hopefully he'll do it again. And thing will be better. SO much better.
Pain. It sticks with me. All the time. I need a release. A quick one. I'm out of here. Maybe I'll try calling my dad tonight. Maybe he'll actually want to turn off his TV and talk to ME for a change, instead of replacing me with a newer model. Who knows?
I'll write more tomorrow.
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