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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I spent most of my day today feeling torn between my thoughts. Both good and bad. I didn't even leave the house for anything other than taking out the trash. I feel so....soooo very drained. Not like...an actual exhaustion or anything. It's more like I'm 'missing' something. A spark. That little extra something that made getting out of bed in the morning an exciting experience. That thing that motivated me to look at a sunshine day and think that there was something outside for me to see. It just wasn't there today. Sucks for a Saturday.
I practically shrugged this whole day off of my shoulders like it was nothing. And I don't see tomorrow being much better.
I thought a little bit about what Simon said to me yesterday, and while my parents never pressured me to be perfect, I think I can fully understand just how pointless it is to keep working when no one's looking. The only time I even expect a response from the things I do is when I screw them up somehow. Without my closest friends around, I had lost my audience. Nobody wants to admit it for fear of looking self centered, but the truth is...we all need an audience. Hell, just look at Trace these past few days. Trace used to spend half his life in detention, and the other half ditching class so he could get more detention. Ever since he's been under my dad's roof and getting some attention, he hasn't missed a single class. I don't even think he's been late for one. It made me jealous of the attention. They probably spent the afternoon playing catch in the front yard or eating popsicles or something. Grrrr! Even in Simon's case, he may feel pressured, but at least people care to keep watching. I don't think I'd feel so empty right now if I thought I had just....a few people in my cheering section again. Otherwise...what's the point of 'performing' at all?
Everything feels like a scribbled drawing that only my mom would bother to hang up on the fridge. Thanks, Mom. What about the rest of humanity? Not a second look from them. Not at all.
I did come down and eat breakfast, but afterward, I just went back to my room and laid back on my bed, tossing a rubber ball up and down while I tried to clear my head a bit.
I miss my friends.
I miss going to the Hill with Sam on the weekends. Just...letting the sun shine down on us, and talk. We had some amazing conversations over the years. I wonder if he's at the mall today...with 'her'.
I miss hanging out with Jimmy, and watching him blush every time I did anything that he thought was cute. I miss Bobby's awkwardness, or Trace's spontaneity. I even miss Joanna's chatter at this point. Everybody seems to be enjoying each other's company, and I've become the one who's disconnected from it all. Now I'm the one who has been locked out of the game.
I don't know. Like I said...I just felt empty.
I began looking for an instant, if only temporary, solution. Anything to fill that void and drive this emotional boredom out of my heart. Like exorcising some sort of lazy demon that was loitering around in the pit of my stomach.
I found myself checking my email a couple of times to see if Randall had written me back yet. I was anxious for his reply, and frustrated every time I didn't see one. Maybe that's for the best, though. Because I actually considered just showing up at his place and ringing the doorbell to see if he answered.
I got soooo hard, thinking about him being on top of me, grinding his hips on me while we tongue kissed wildly on his couch, those soft ass cheeks in both of my gripping hands. I can still remember his scent. God, he smelled good. His slim body just wiggles in the cutest way. When I think of what it must have been like for him and Lee to fool around....it's like 'wow.'...
Yeah...Lee. Well, he sent an email today. Plus I noticed that he called my house once or twice this afternoon. It was just a little something to ask if we could maybe hang out tonight. The tone of it was different. Not the usual, 'happy-go-lucky', Lee without a care in the world. I guess I did technically tell him that we might get together and do something this weekend. I was tempted. I really was. But not for the right reasons. I was thinking that nothing would cure this empty feeling in me like trading blowjobs with a real cutie tonight. But I knew that I would feel weird about doing it. To Lee, anyway. It would make breaking up with him soooo much harder to do later. You can't just bang somebody and then say, "Seeya!" That would just be hurtful and rude. Which means I'd have to let things linger between us for another week or two before being able to say anything to end it all. But I didn't tell him that. I just kind of avoided him tonight. Maybe later.
Another day or two...and I'll do it. I will.
Ugh! Why did Lee and Randall have to be buddies? This would be so much easier if they weren't.
I honestly thought about calling Ian up, and going over there to see if....well, if maybe he could 'distract' me for a while. Some days, it's just me and my random thoughts, and Ian....Ian's cute, you know? I have his phone number. I could call, and just be like, "Hey, what's up?" Nothing wrong with that. I could just...see what's going on with him. We're friends. Yeah.....friends.
My fingers were literally tapping on my desktop next to my phone. Started tapping my foot too. The emptiness seemed to grow bigger as I tried to restrain myself. Bobby Jinette and I aren't on the best of terms at the moment...but I'm not so evil as to purposely try to screw his wanna-be boyfriend. At least...not yet. But if he turns over another lunch tray in front of me, I'm not only gonna fuck Ian, but I'm gonna videotape it, make a six hour porn, and give Bobby the first copy!
Did I call him? No. I avoided a moment of weakness that was sure to cause more problems than it solved. I think that's a good thing. But I'm...I'm...I don't know.
The more I think about this feeling in my gut, the more I realize that it's been growing and growing ever since Brandon and I broke up. Swelling up like a cancer in my, once healthy, emotional state of mind. I think something really changed for me when we broke up. It's been a missing piece of my life. A round hole that I've been trying to fill with a bunch of square pegs over the past few months. I spent some time today, thinking back to our first kiss. Heh..my whole body felt like it lit up like a Christmas tree when those soft, puffy, lips touched mine for the first time. Brandon really knew how to make you feel it deep in your soul when he kissed you. That boy could always read me, and kiss, touch, and caress me in just the right way. But...he was more than that, you know? Everything about him was inviting. I not only felt like he was the best, but I felt like he brought the best out of me too. And that's more rare than I wanted to believe.
Anyway, I had pretty much made up my mind to send Brandon an email. I figured that I'd make an attempt to spend some time with him. Maybe get out and stay out of the house tomorrow to make up for the life energy I wasted today. Even if it meant going to visit Stevie in the hospital, it would be good to be around Brandon's smile again. So I turn on my computer to send him a note and make a suggestion or two...
...And there was a new email in my inbox....
It was from AJ.
Just seeing his name on the screen caused me to cringe. But I couldn't stop myself from clicking on the notice.
As always, AJ always acted as if he was this perfectly normal person in my life with no previous history existing between us. He really didn't care. Like...at all. He's like, "Billy! Dude, what happened to you? Robin and I had one hell of a sexy time together. That boy is truly beautiful. He's even hotter when he's naked." I was ashamed to be getting an erection over this email, but kept reading as I pushed my palm down it for a moment of relief. AJ's all like, "He's going to be all alone again this Thursday. Dude, he's totally into the idea of a three way. You should come by. I'm serious. I thing he would dig you. Call me! I'd give you my number again...but something tells me that you haven't tossed out the one I gave you at the mall just yet. So holler at me. This boy isn't gonna fuck himself!" And it ended with a hug and a smiley face.
Funny how SATAN can take on the most appealing forms sometimes.
The thing that hurt the worst, though, was the fact that he was right about the phone number. It's still here. I should have gotten rid of it last week, but I didn't. Why didn't I toss it? What am I holding onto it for?
I think I know. But I don't want to say it. I don't even want to write it down.
No. Fuck it. I mean, I might call AJ....but just to tell him no. And then, I'm going to throw that hellish phone number away before the temptation gets the better of me. I'd be better off alone than trapped in that mess.
I've gotta go. I'll just call Brandon in the morning. Catch up with him and maybe make some plans. In the meantime, I've got weekend homework. I should bang away on that for a while. At least tonight won't be a total wash out.