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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I worked my ASS off on my homework this weekend. And you know what my teacher did? She said, 'thanks'......
And then she tossed it into a pile of other papers with classmates that I'm sure she told the same. 'Thanks'. A word here. A sentence there. A grade written on a test in red ink. What a half ass handjob THAT was!
I swear this end of the semester bullshit is like the most depressing, most emotionally draining, part of any teenager's life. And they wonder why we go so wild during the Summer,
My whole day has just been polluted with this...this...UGHHH!!!
I don't even have the words for it. But it's got me ready to throw my hands up and give in already.
You know, looking at Brandon today...I wasn't quite sure what to feel inside. That intense 'pull' is still there, constantly guiding me towards that cute smile. But...it's like trying to grab for a dollar bill by reaching through a thicket of thorn bushes, you know? I mean, every time I try to get close to him, I end up with this sour feeling in the center of my heart, and all I want to do is get away from him again.
But that 'pull'.....dammit! He is SO frustrating sometimes.
I'll just bet he'd be willing to go out and have some fun if Stevie asked him to. I mean, didn't they just break up? What are they being so chummy for? I just wish that I could have HALF the attention that he does from Brandon. It's been long enough that I don't even want to apologize anymore for what I did. That was forever ago. Hasn't he let it go yet? Why doesn't he trust me anymore?
One strike and I'm out for good. Hardly seems fair. I wouldn't be this hard on him. Can't figure out why he's being this hard on me.
Speaking of the whole 'one strike' policy, I saw Sam hugging and sharing a kiss with Michelle in the hallway today. Would I be weird if I said that the very sight of it made my heart break in two for the second time today. It just hurt, is all. I couldn't believe that she got to kiss those amazingly sweet and soft lips of his. Run her fingers through his blond hair. And eventually elevate things to giving him unsatisfying blowjobs in the dark on somebody's back porch. And Sam would love every minute of it...because he's...you know...'straight'.
But for a few weeks...Sam and I had something special. All gender issues and sexual categories aside, Sam and I spent a short time actually...being in love. Of course, then I had to go and ruin it all. But before that, I really felt something much stronger than 'friendship' for someone who truly meant the world to me. And deep down, I know that he felt it too. I felt it every time he kissed me. I was an idiot to mess that up. Now he's kissing somebody else....
I think I finally understand what Sam meant when he said that me and him having sex wasn't just about 'having sex'. I get it now. It was about being closer than close. An emotional connection that just couldn't be expressed from a distance any longer. I guess I took advantage of a good thing and pushed a little too hard for things to stay even between us. I just...sometimes I wish I could take that one day back. I was super horny and he was super cute, but...what I lost in the process?
It wasn't worth it.
I saw Ian today, and I thought he would be the one to cheer me up. Ian was always a joy to talk to. But not today.
As I approached him, I noticed that he seemed to be spacing out, big time. He didn't even notice me at first. But I noticed the sorrowful expression on his face. I'm like, "Dude...what's wrong?"
He was caught off guard, like, "Huh? Oh. Hey, Billy. Nothing's wrong. I just...I think I did something to piss Bobby off or something. I just can't figure out what it is. Everything was going so great. We were getting to be...." He started to cut himself off, but then he went ahead and said, "....Umm...close." He looked at my eyes to gauge some kind of a reaction, but I don't think I gave him one. Neither positive or negative. I didn't have much time to react. It's not like I didn't know. I mean, I guessed that Ian was interested in Bobby from the first time that I saw them together. I wonder if this is how Simon, Joanna, and Jimmy, used to look at me when I was still in 'hiding'.
Whatever the case was, Ian was a really cool guy, and I didn't like seeing him ache over Bobby like this when he didn't have to. Apparently, even though Bobby was being a jerk, Ian tried calling him and sending him emails all weekend long to apologize for 'whatever it was that he did'. And Bobby didn't bother to answer him. Why should Ian apologize for something he didn't do? Why should he have to chase somebody who just keeps running?
He didn't say much. He tried to work up a half way decent smile for me, but I could tell that it was a drain on him. He said he had to go to class, and that really burned me up.
I didn't even wait until next period. I knew exactly where Bobby Jinette's locker was. I walked right up to him, and I didn't give him the opportunity to give me any sass or make any snide remarks. I told him, "You have until the end of the day to make things right with Ian...or I'm taking him."
Bobby gave me a shocked look. He's like, "What???"
I said, "I'm asking him out. I've talked and talked and talked to you, but this is it. This bashful little game of yours is stupid. NOBODY is that much of a wimp. So I figure that you're doing it on purpose. And if that's the case, then as far as I can see...Ian is still single." Then, just before walking away, I said, "You have until the end of the school day. I'm gonna call him when I get home, and I'm gonna ask him if he wants to see a movie or something this weekend. And he's going to give me one or two answers. He's either going to say, 'Sure, Billy. I'll go out with you'...or he's going to say, 'Sorry, Billy. But Bobby asked me first.' You get me?" Bobby called out after me, but I was already walking down the hall. I'm like, "I get home around four, Bobby. That gives you plenty of time."
I'm sure the idea was causing Bobby to shake himself to pieces. I'm sure that the sheer terror of having to make the first move was making him nauseous beyond belief. But so what? Sometimes you just have to push a kid in a cold pool and force him to sink or swim. Now that he's 'motivated'...let's see if he can break the whole shy guy routine for just a FEW seconds to give Ian some peace of mind for a change.
Did I call? No. Of course not. I was bluffing. But from the look on Bobby Jinette's face this afternoon...I think he might have actually gone through with it. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
One person that I did call, however, was AJ. And I shouldn't have. I knew it was a bad idea from the beginning....but, I don't know. I was sick of looking at his number on my desk and I wanted to tell him no about Thursday so I could crumple it up (Again) and throw it in the trash. But....I didn't expect him to answer his cell phone the way he did.
He's like, "Tasty Boy. This is the perfect time for us to talk."
Already, I could hear the sinister tilt of his smile. I said, "I'm not going to stay long. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not interested, ok? I just thought you should know that. And now, I'm going to lose your number. Why don't you lose mine too?"
I was hoping that he would be a bit upset, or at least feel somewhat defeated by what I had just said to him. Instead, it sounded like his smile got bigger. He's like, "But don't you want to know what I'm doing right now? I'm willing to bet it's better than what you're doing."
I'm like, "I don't care."
But he says, "Too bad. Because I am actually laid back on Robin's couch, completely naked, getting my dick sucked. And it feels realllllly good. I think hearing your voice while it's happening makes it even hotter."
I stopped for a second. Ok, so...I didn't believe him at first. I mean, I wasn't that gullible, was I? So I'm like, "No you're not."
And AJ says, "I wouldn't lie about something like this. Robin gives GREAT head, omi-GAWD!" Then he's like, "Make a sound, cutie. Let Billy know you're here."
AJ moved the phone down, and I heard a gentle slurp and a pop, and then a slightly effeminate voice say, "Hi, Billy.." And he went right back to his...um...duties.
AJ moved the phone back up to his face, and he said, "If only you could look down and see what I'm seeing right now. Hot young boy, his red lips wrapped around my hard on...it's quite a sight. There's only one thing missing. He's got this really cute, creamy, round, ass and a tight pink hole just wiggling in the air like a baby piglet...and there's nobody behind him to fuck it silly. That could be you back there, Tasty Boy." I didn't want to be so painfully hard at that moment, but I couldn't help it. I was trembling wit desire at that point. I hope AJ couldn't hear that in my voice over the phone. He's like, "Come on, Billy. Just once. Come over on Thursday. This boy is soooo tight. Every time I come over, it's like he got tighter than the last time. He LOVES taking it. He craves it. Why don't you come play with us? I miss you."
Heated. That's what I felt. Really....REALLY heated! Dear God! I began to breathe really hard, and my blood going to my brain had been detoured towards 'sin city', a bit further South. In a panic, I gasped slightly, and I hung up the phone. I was wide eyed. Sweating. And...hornier than I've ever been before!
I put the phone down on my desk and tried to put the image of it out of my mind, but I couldn't. I CAN'T! The idea of AJ getting a full fledged blowjob while he was talking to me on the phone...aking me to...to be a part of it...it was driving me insane.
I tried to do my homework tonight, but all I could think of was Robin's butt wiggling in the air while servicing the first boy that I ever had sex with. Erection after erection after erection. A few times I tried to get rid of them by jacking off so I could concentrate...but another one would pop up less than fifteen minutes later. And even when I was jacking off...all I could think about was AJ and Robin. Robin and AJ.
Ugh...Thursday. I'm not going. Screw that.
Just...Brandon's not interested, Sam isn't interested, Trace isn't interested, Randall isn't interested...
...It's just kinda fun to fantasize about someone actually 'wanting me' for a little while. It would feel really good to be sexually appreciated right about now.
Anyway....it's only words in a journal, right? I'm gonna leave it alone. Otherwise I'm going to end up with another problem that I have to take care of.
I didn't wash the dishes tonight. I think my mom was kind of expecting me to, since I've been so good about it lately. I just didn't feel like it tonight. I wonder if mom's have days like that. Because she does the dishes all the time. Hmmm...weird.
I've gotta go.More mindless homework piling up on me. I'm already getting sleepy and I haven't even started yet. Sighhhhh....maybe if I stay up all night, work really really hard, and turn in a perfect paper...I can get another 'Thanks'. Won't that be grand?
- Billy (Officially hard again after writing this entry)