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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- Three weeks away from my finals, and I've got too much homework to get ANY of it done on time. It's like the teachers are trying to cram two years' worth of learning into us at the last minute. As if I could really retain even half of this garbage all at once. I don't even have the energy to cheat at this point.
Not to mention...I've got 'other' stuff going on. The last thing I need is for school to turn me into a total wipeout like Simon these days. I think I need to slip that boy a mickey in his milk just so I could force him to get some sleep.
Anyway...I think I kinda got things moving with the whole Lee situation tonight. I was dragging this out for much longer than I should have, and it's only going to get worse. The longer I wait, the more it's gonna hurt. It's not like I wasn't aware of that fact earlier. I just had too much on my mind at the time to carry another load of guilty feelings. That's all.
Lee sent me another email today. He said, "Billy? I...uh...I've got some spare time this Friday night. I mean, if you really want to just hang out or something. Anyway, let me know as soon as you can. K?"
No smiley face this time. I don't know why I noticed that, but I did. In fact, I could practically see a sad look in Lee's eyes just from reading what he wrote. I didn't feel like I was really being fair to him by making him suffer like this. So...I sorta sent him a really quick note, just to tell him...
...Well, I told him, "Lee? I think we need to talk." And I kinda left it at that. I KNOW that still counts as chickening out, but...I'm hoping he'll get the hint. And by the time we actually get around to talking about it for real, he will have already braced himself for the worst.
Maybe that will make things easier? I don't know. But it would be a huge weight off of my shoulders to finally let him go, once and for all. I just hope that he'll talk to me again afterward. There's a lot about Lee that I'd miss having in my life. Just...not enough to pretend to be in love with him or anything.
I'm sure that Lee will probably write me back again tonight before going to bed. That much I knew for sure. I'll just work on the best way to explain to him that...well...it's too late to re-ignite that little hidden spark that had burned out for us so very long ago.
He just didn't make me happy. And I'd like to think that I'm pretty easy to please on most levels.
I had to wonder what would happen when I told him. Would he be like AJ and not care? Would he take it like Bobby Jinette and get all heartbroken and sad on me? Or would he treat it the way Jimmy LaPlane did? Where he just didn't make a big fuss about it either way. I'm gonna be thinking about this until it drives me crazy. Or until it's just over with. Whichever comes first.
Anyway, I ran into Stevie at school today. He didn't look too happy at first, but he worked up a half smile when I said hello to him in the hall. You know, he's not so bad when he's not making such a 'formidable enemy' out of himself. When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "With me? Oh. Nothing. Really, it's nothing. It's not worth talking about."
I'm like, "So? Bore me with it, anyway."
Stevie gave me a sideways look, and he ran his fingers through his hair for a second before rolling his eyes a bit with a grin. He said, "I just...I had a weird weekend. That's all. I thought it was a little thing, but...I get here to school today, and it's a little worse than I thought it would be. It's not a big deal though. I can handle it."
Confused, I asked him, "What do you mean? I don't get it. What kind of a 'little thing' are we talking about here?"
Stevie told me, "Wellll....you know, I'm supposed to actually go in and file an official police report about what happened here on Wednesday. It's something that I told myself I would do for myself, no matter what happened." Then he was like, "So...apparently one of the guys involved is a big hot shot on the basketball team, and another one is some kind of brainiac with high hopes of getting into a prestigious college after high school."
Still a bit lost, I asked him, "What's that got to do with anything? They attacked you."
He's like, "Yeah, they did. But...evidently, there are a lot of concerned people who just want to see this whole incident 'go away' without any more attention being brought to it. Students, jocks, parents, coaches...they've all made it clear that it would be better for everybody if I just kept my mouth shut and moved on."
Stevie said that he had gotten some disturbing phone calls this past weekend that he didn't pay much attention to. But it was this morning when he got to school that he found notes that had been anonymously slipped into his locker. And those were a bit more direct. He's like, "Yeah....they were just a few...comments, you know?"
I'm like, "Comments?"
He said, "Yeah."
I'm like, "You mean threats, don't you?"
Stevie looked down at the floor for a second, but then tried to recover with a quick smile. He said, "Yeah. I guess you could say that."
Even after all Stevie and I had been through as polar opposites of one another, I had a chill run down my back when I heard him say that.
I was like, "So...what are you gonna do?"
He said, "I'm gonna file the report. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do what's right. Too many people cover this kind of thing up and just let it slide. If I run from this, I'll be running for the rest of my life. Like I said before, they're just going to do this to some other young kid if I don't make some kind of stand. My pride isn't worth another trip to the hospital, that's for sure."
I said, "But...aren't you scared that they'll hurt you again?"
Stevie told me, "It would hurt a lot more knowing that I didn't use my voice when I had the chance. Everybody treats my sexual preference like it's some kind of dirty little secret. Something to be ashamed of. And once they pushed me down those stairs...I realized that I was not only allowing them to bash me for who I choose to love....but I was doing it too. I was a part of this big 'cover up' that tells boys like me that we're not wanted here. I'm just sick of it. I intend to be bigger than that. I want them to SEE me, and know that I'm not backing down just because they have some kind of stupid problem with me being gay." Stevie said, "Beating up gay kids and bullying them out of telling anybody about it is NOT ok. It's time people learned that."
Hmmm...ok. I could respect that.
Yikes, did I use the word 'respect' and 'Stevie' in the same paragraph? I've GOT to stop doing that. I asked him, "So...what are you going to do?"
He smiled and said, "Well, you'll just have to wait until Wednesday to find out."
We shared a giggle or two over it, but I really hope that he'll be ok. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything really dangerous to happen to him, seeing as most people in this place are all bark and no bite. But, then again, I didn't expect anything dangerous to happen to him the first time either. So I'll keep my fingers crossed for him...just in case.
Oh! Hahaha, how could I forget?
So I saw Bobby and Ian right after lunch today. I guess they shared a table in the cafeteria, and they were both sparkling so brightly that I almost had to shield my eyes from their boyish grins to keep from going completely BLIND! Hahaha! Awwww, I wish I had a picture of them together. They make SUCH an adorable pair!
The funny thing is, I'm pretty sure that neither Bobby, nor Ian, made the big move to tell the other that he was gay yet. I'm pretty sure that the suspicions are all circling around the special time they spend together, and maybe a few giggles and blushes have been officially traded and responded to. But no confessions have been made. No major romantic advancements just yet. I could tell, because they both really enjoyed their 'date' this past weekend...but since they were both standing there side by side, neither one of them could really go into detail about how awesome it really was.
Ian fidgeted. Bobby swooned. Both of them were talking to me at once, and I barely caught much of what either one of them was telling me. But I giggled along with them regardless. Something about seeing them hide blushes from one another was so damn CUTE to me! It looks like Bobby can enjoy a good horror movie when he's with the right company. Hehehe!
Anyway, they both silently gave me individual signals that they'd be giving me more details about this fabulous date of theirs as soon as they got some privacy. Bobby gave me a wink, Ian gave me a smirk. I'm curious. What exactly happened between those two last Friday? I know how love magnifies the simplest of things to be a million times bigger and more monumental than what they are (I mean, I can remember flipping out just because Jamie Cross said 'thank you' after I blessed him for sneezing! Hehehe!), but the way they were giggling and carrying on, it was like they had both given each other a handjob in the bathroom just five minutes before seeing me or something! I will definitely be looking into this some more when I get the chance. This is a story that I want to hear.
I've got to go. I wish that I could say that I had some news on the Trace situation, but I honestly didn't see him at all today. Not even a glimpse. I doubt that he was ditching or anything. He's been a regular boy scout the past two weeks or so. But even though I was looking out for his thin dreadlocks to pass my vision at some point today....they never did.
I should call. I mean, it's not like I don't know where to find him. But...I think I'm going to deal with my break up with Lee first. Then I'll try to mend wounds with Trace. What I wouldn't give to just go bowling with him again, steal a can of shoe spray, and laugh my ass off on a stranger's lawn in the middle of the night again. He really was fun to be around. I miss that.
I miss a lot of the good times I had with my old friends. Those are bridges that I need to start building all over again from scratch. A project I might take on...once I know where to begin.
I'll write more later. See ya...
Back to homework...