And THANK YOU for all of the wonderful comments and compliments you guys have made on the "Billy Chase" series! I really do LOVE you all for it! ((Hugz)) You're the best!
- The house is so quiet right now. I'm not here by myself, my parents are here. But it's dead silent anyway. They're hardly speaking at all, and when they do, it sounds like they're whispering. As though keeping quiet was going to somehow make me feel better. Every time I leave my room, they look at me. Not just a normal look, but one of...I don't know...worry. They seem so 'artificial' to me all of the sudden. Completely alien Where was all of this excessive attention when they were fighting over who moved the remote control for the tv last night? Grown ups are so damn weird sometimes.
I've been staring at stuff a lot today. Not thinking about anything specific really...just staring off into space, and letting my mind exist in an empty limbo for a few short periods at a time. A part of me is still reeling from Jimmy's actions, but more than that, I think I was just curious as to what it feels like. Being at the crossroads between life and death like that...and having to make that choice all on your own. You feel so invincible, so untouchable, until you see concrete proof of how fragile we all really are. And that's when you get scared, because you know that it could have just as easily have been you...if the circumstances were just 'wrong' enough to drive you to it. I don't want these thoughts anymore.
I talked to AJ today on the phone. Joanna didn't even bother to call this morning and ask to make plans for the mall. She must have seen the look in my eyes yesterday, telling her that I wasn't going. But after making some actual progress with him last week, I didn't want to screw things up by ditching him again. I was nervous, maybe even terrified, but I found myself dialing the number. I took a deep breath, and actually was able to speak when I heard his sweet voice on the other end. I had to apologize for not showing up at the mall today, but he was never one to lay a guilt trip on me. So he told me not to even mention it, and asked how I was doing.
I don't know what made me tell him. After the preparation that I made to sound somewhat 'normal' on the phone and not let on how emotionally wrecked I was at that moment...it all let go the second he asked how I felt. My eyes began to tear up instantly, and the sniffles set in shortly after. By the time I had the breath to tell him what had happened to Jimmy, there was no use in hiding the emotion anymore, and I just let it run free for a bit while trying to talk to him about it. I know that I must have sounded like some kind of total psycho to him...but he was actually pretty understanding about it. I cried....he listened. His voice was so soothing, so calming, and it just put me at ease knowing that he wasn't silently rolling his eyes at my sudden outburst of misery. "It's ok, keep going. Tell me everything." He said. God....he was so gentle in dealing with me. He understood. And he just listened. REALLY listened. For an entire hour, I bawled and babbled and released some of that built up pressure inside of me that was ready to explode any moment. It felt SO good to let some of that tension roll off of my shoulders and wash it away with some much needed tears. AJ made me feel a LOT better. And all he had to do was listen.
"Do you want me to come over, or something?" He asked. To be honest, that part of the conversation scared me a little bit. My parents were home, and AJ...while being cute and sweet and awesome in every possible way...he was kind of..um...'gay'. The kinda gay you could notice just from looking at him, or listening to his voice. Having him come over and meet my mom and dad and then disappear into a room with me so I could cry on his shoulder would be a big piece of the sexuality puzzle that I didn't want my parents to have just yet. I know, I know. That's just STUPID! But he's a bit too 'visible' for me to start parading around my parents and not having them ask questions...and I'm trying to deal with one big problem at a time here.
So I told him, "No thanks. But I really REALLY appreciate you taking the time to talk to me, AJ. I know I must sound pretty freaky right now." And he giggled a little bit and told me that I was 'cute' when I was being freaky. "You think I'm cute whenever I do ANYTHING!" I said. And you know what he said in return?
"This is true. But you can't blame me for being honest, right?" That's what he said. I felt myself smiling a bit, and a ticklish infatuated sensation ran throughout my entire body. I chuckled a bit out loud, and blushed as he asked me, "So....will I get to see you next weekend?"
I'm like, "Ummm...ok. I can come next weekend...I suppose." I was so nervous, but I did it anyway, and I agreed to meet him next weekend. Hopefully I'll have my head straight by then. I'll FORCE myself to have my head straight by then. And then...he asked me if he could give me a kiss over the phone! A KISS! Omigod...I was turning so PURPLE at that moment, and giggled a bit to myself as my chest inflated to twice its normal size.
"Um....yeah....you can kiss me if you want." I said bashfully, my hand cupped over the phone and almost whispering just in case one of my parents walked by and overheard me talking from outside my door. And then he DID it! He gave me a big, loud, almost comical smooch on the phone, and then said goodnight! I laughed out loud, squirming on the floor as he wished me a night of 'sweet dreams'. When I hung up that phone, I was on cloud nine again. AJ was so fucking adorable when he wanted to be. He had the power to lift my spirits with the simplest of words, and not many people can do that. Not like he can. He's so SWEET!
I'm going to bed. I feel bad...SO bad...about being all lovey dovey over AJ while Jimmy was in a hospital somewhere, wishing he was gone. But both sides of my emotions were fighting for attention, and the tug of war was getting tiresome on his side of the rope.
Gee...reading that back, that's an awful thing to say. I guess I should just end this entry before it gets even worse.
- My mom has been looking at me like I'm just plain crazy these past few days. Like there's something 'wrong' with me. She's being SUPER nice, and she's constantly petting my hair or giving me a kiss on the forehead. The kind of delicate treatment you reserve for a boy that soon has to be told that he's contracted a bad flesh eating virus and only has weeks to live. It's creepy. My dad has been doing it too, but he mostly just tries to make small talk, which I find more amusing than anything else. It's not natural for him to really take an interest in my average day. ESPECIALLY on the weekend. Besides, what could I tell him? 'Hey Dad, guess what? I stared at Jamie Cross' super sexy naked thighs for a half hour while he was in gym class Friday?' It doesn't make for good dinner conversation, that's for sure. My parents have suddenly decided to keep an attentive eye on me, and I'm planning to stay away from the house as much as possible to keep from feeling like a boy in a bubble. They ask me questions they never asked before, they look in on me every time I'm alone and quiet for more than five minutes, they whisper and tiptoe around the house like I can't hear them...it's driving me mad.
All I know is that I don't want them to look at me like that anymore. I want them to think I'm ok. Hell...I AM ok! I think I'm handling this pretty well...'considering'.
It really did help to talk to AJ about it. It did wonders for me. Besides, without the tears and the babbling, I doubt I would have known what to talk to him about. I doubt I would have had the courage to talk much at all. It still surprises me how well he took me crying to him like a five year old with a skinned knee. Even while I was talking, I was soooo scared that this would be the last time he talked to me. That he'd want to change his phone number, and regret ever giving it to me in the first place. But he understood, and he was there for me. I almost wanted to call him again right away. I was actually addicted to the sound of his voice now that we had spoken at length. And I wanted another one of those over-the-phone kisses too. I swear, I nearly giggled myself to sleep last night thinking about that smooch. He's so cute, I can't imagine what I would have done if he had kissed me in real life. I probably would have died right there on the spot.
But, I chickened out in the long run. For GOOD reasons though! It's not so much that I was scared...I just didn't wanna come off as some kind of insane whiner or something. Nor did I want to appear to be stalking him, letting my obsessions grow into something that turns me into some kinda dangerous weirdo. So I held off. But I'm NOT being a coward this time. I promise.
I heard somebody mention the name of the hospital that Jimmy was staying at on Friday, so today I got online and looked it up. Directions and all. I now know how to get there. But I'm not even sure that people are allowed to see him yet. I don't know if they have rules on that or not. I'm sure they do but you never know. I'd love to find out though. There's gotta be a way to talk to him. Then again...what would I say to him? I mean...what if he blames me for what happened? What if he's right? How can I look at Jimmy and try to be 'friendly' when I know what he did to himself? I know I'll have to see him again eventually, but it's going to take some courage. And I don't have much of that right now....not concerning him. Sighhhh....well, at least I know where he is. That's a start
Geez! My dad is lightly knocking at my door for, like, the 100th time tonight!!! I'm gonna end this here until I can get some peace, quiet, and privacy. Later.
- I'm listening to one of the cds Jimmy gave me a few weeks ago, wondering if he meant for them to be some dark final 'parting gift' before killing himself. I thought back to his smile when I first went over to his house, and the way he grinned sometimes when I saw him in the halls. But then..I also remembered seeing him staring at himself in that bathroom mirror. His sad reflection daring him to cry in front of his favorite 'crush'...me. I thought about how he looked when he first told me he was gay. And how he said, "Don't worry, I figured you'd take it like that." What did he mean by that? He figured that I'd turn him down? That I'd reject him? Did he think I was mad at him? Did he think that I was ashamed of him or something? I thought back to him telling me how good it was going to feel to be 'gone', and how "Things are almost 'over'"....every word came back to me, and I mentally kicked myself for not letting any of it fucking SINK IN when I had the chance! But...despite all my detective work, made in hindsight...nothing could take it back. Not now. I can only be happy that he didn't succeed.
I think about this way too much. I just want to distance myself from this situation in general for a while.
In school today, I saw Brandon and he asked if maybe I was up for that phone call that we had talked about earlier. I didn't see any harm in it actually. I think talking to Brandon would be really fun. Besides, I think that if I can stop from being a blithering idiot this time around, he might actually want to do it again sometime. So I agreed. He seemed happy, but his smile faded, and he asked me if I remembered the note he gave me a while back. I actually didn't at first. Then he says, "You know..the one about me coming between you and Sam?" And it clicked.
So I said, "Ohhh, yeah! I remember."
And he tells me, "Well, I really meant that, ok? I can understand why he wouldn't want me hanging around you and stuff. So I just...I wanna be a friend. Ok? I just like talking to you, Billy. That's all." Um...I had no idea what the heck he was talking about at that moment.
He 'understands' why Sam doesn't want him hanging around? And what reason was THAT? I swear, nobody makes sense to me anymore. Anyway, he's gonna call me tomorrow, because he's going out to dinner for his grandfather's birthday tonight. But I'm looking forward to it. Brandon is just....he's incredible, you know? In such a subtle way that you really have no choice but to have it sneak up on you and take you over before you know what hit you. Just the random thoughts I have of him during the strangest times in my day...it just makes me smile sometimes. Even now while I'm writing about it. Hehehe....I like that.
Joanna was a bit frisky today, and it caught me off guard. All through lunch, she was all kissing me on the neck and my face and occasionally pecks on my lips. It was almost like she was 'showing me off' to her friends or something today. Then she leaned over to sit with me, cheek to cheek..and that makes it REALLY hard to eat! Believe me! Especially since I was eating pizza, nearly smearing pizza sauce all over her cheek with every bite. So, yeah, it made for an awkward, although highly lovable, lunch period. My body still reacts to her as though she were a boy or something. I still feel my pulse race, my boner get hard, my breath get short. My body's bells and whistles go off and I'm all ready to go. But my heart and mind keep stopping me from truly enjoying it on any other level. You know? That level where I feel goofy and weightless with NO sexual stimulation at all. It's the hardest feeling in the world to figure out, but I guess I'm stuck with it for now.
Ok...I have a confession to make before I go. I kinda...was masturbating this afternoon....and I thought about kissing Jimmy when I came. Is that wrong? That's probably a sick thing to admit, isn't it?
Well...I did. It was just a last minute, freaky thought type of thing that popped into my head at the last second right before I erupted. That's all.
Okaaaay....I need to scratch this part out or something. I'm not a well person.
Forget I said it. Seeya later.