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And be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...You can win six weeks worth of kissing lessons from Burkely Duffield!!! (Sighhhh...those lips just look soooooo soft...)*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I had a dream about fucking Robin really hard in the ass this morning.
Surprising start to my entry tonight, isn't it? Hehehe! I know, but I wanted to mention it today. Because there was something...I don't know. There was something so different about it. It was weird.
So I was right there, you know? Balls deep in that extremely tight hole. Plugging away at him until my back hurt from the activity. And I was REALLY enjoying it too! Kissing his ears and the side of his super cute face. And the sex seemed to go on forever. I even came in the dream. Like a really hard cum, too. I don't think that I've ever done that before. And Robin took every last drop of it. It was like the constricted tunnel milked me for everything I had and was begging for more.
But...I woke up not long after. And....like....it wasn't a wet dream. I mean, I woke up hard as a rock, like I always do. But there was nothing really arousing about it. Not enough for me to orgasm while I was thinking about it.
I don't know how to really phrase this....but the dream...
...It was JUST sex.
Nothing more. It was hot. But...I don't know. It didn't really bring me off like some of the hot dreams that I've had in the past. I don't know. Maybe it was just a strange occurrence or something. Still, it made me want to go find him somewhere and fuck him senseless, like the perverted 'slam hound' that I am. Hehehe! Cute boys like Robin should come with a warning label.
'May Become Extremely Addictive.'
Anyway, that morning surprise aside....
I um....kinda broke up with Lee today. Not that we were really together again in the first place. But I talked to him over the phone, and I just...I said what needed to be said, you know? I think that it was best to just get it over with. I know that I was scared of talking to him, and that I dragged this out for much longer than necessary. So it's a relief to have it al be over. Even if I had to hurt Lee to do it.
I didn't give him the whole, 'it's not you, it's me' routine, although that was my initial plan of action. Somehow, I felt that it would be more insulting than the truth. And the truth is...we're just not meant to be together. Whatever bitter psychosis that he has that keeps him from showing me affection when I ask for it, and whatever my psychosis is for having the need to ask in the first place...they simply don't agree with one another. I need to be loved. I need to hear it. I need to feel it. I need someone who's willing to make the same awkward sacrifices of pride that I am when it comes to admitting it out loud. And Lee? God bless his sweet heart..he's not that guy. I think he needs someone who cares less about the person they're in love with. That's all.
Me? I want to be swept away I want to be smothered in love and overwhelmed with emotion and sexually satisfied. I can't wait for him to randomly 'feel like it'. That's just not who I am.
Now that I think about it, maybe that's why this whole Robin and AJ situation has been so appealing to me lately. They want me? They got me. And if I want them? I got them. No bullshit. I can walk over and ask them to strip naked, and that's all there is to it. If Lee could be that open to my affections, it might be worth it. But he's not.
I don't mind having a sexual relationship void of emotion. But I can't have an emotional relationship void of emotion. That's just stupid. If saying 'I love you' or having him give me a kiss bothers Lee to the point of making him nauseous, nervous, and sick...then I don't want any part of that connection. Don't stress yourself out, buddy. I'll be just fine with someone else.
When Lee and I talked on the phone, I had to just come right out and tell him, "Lee...I like you a lot. I really do. And we had some awesome times together. But...I think....I think we would be better off if we were just friends. Ok?"
Lee was quiet for a moment, and I was tense as I waited to see what kind of reaction he would have to all of this. He's like, "Billy...I know that I've been busy these past two weeks. I mean, I haven't talked to you much, but finals are coming up, Summer is coming up...I've just been preoccupied. That's all."
I said, "I understand, Lee. I do. But..." Arrrgh! How do I say this, exactly? I thought about Brandon, and how amazing he made me feel when we were a couple. I was like, "...Lee....I had another boyfriend, one before you, and...he just...he made it a point to actually tell me that he loved me every single day. He was romantic about it, you know? He sent emails and love letters, we spent quality time together, he gave me kisses by the boat load. He went out of his way to make me feel good, and I did the same for him. And...that's kinda what I'm looking for in a boyfriend." I didn't want it to sound harsh, so I added, "Dude, I don't want you to think that I don't like you, or that you did anything wrong. You didn't. You're just being you. And someday, somebody is going to come along and really appreciate that. But I need someone who's going to be a bit more assertive when it comes to talking to me about how he feels. Ok? I just...I NEED it."
Lee was silent.
I was like, "Lee? Please say something. I'm not trying to be mean, ok?"
Then...after hearing a short sniffle...Lee was like, "Fuck you, Billy...." And he hung up on me.
Yeah...it hurt. Lee had never talked to me that way before. Never. I felt like I had done something really terrible at first, but after mulling it over for hours on end, I was still glad that it was over. Lee will take some time, and he'll be mad at me for a while, but hopefully we can still be friends when this is all over. Hopefully. But who's to say for sure? :(
So...I guess Lee really hates me now. Would it have been any different if I had told him sooner? I mean...really?
I saw Brandon in the halls at school today. Several times, in fact. But I didn't talk to him. Even though he was a reminder of everything that I ever wanted in a boyfriend and more. Not some emotionally distant burden, or an easy request for sex, but an actual, living, breathing, sweetheart who cared about me. Really cared. Brandon was always so cute. He talked to me. He made me smile. He shared things with me that I know he hadn't shared with anyone else. Like...ever.
And yet, I see him in the halls now...and he's like this stranger to me. A familiar face, with a personal connection to me that I feel like I made up in some midday fantasy out of boredom. What's going on with him? What happened to us? Everything was so perfect. So incredible. I was convinced that Brandon was the epitome of what true love was all about. That we were the love to end all loves. The example set for all who came after us.
One mistake...and I never saw the boy I originally fell in love with ever again. After all this time, I doubt I ever will.
Maybe I'm reaching a point where I know that it's pointless to keep chasing a ghost. It's not doing me any good. If anything, it's just making the search for someone better suited to me even worse.
I just don't think I want to struggle and suffer with the bullshit anymore. I want more. Lee can't give me more. Brandon can't give me more. NOBODY can. Are my standards too high? If I say, 'I love you'...am I an asshole for wanting to hear it back? Maybe I am. Who knows? But whatever the deal...that's what I want. And the boy who gets a piece of my heart is going to work hard to be that guy for me.
I won't settle for anything less. I just...I won't.
This is the one area where I feel it's ok to be as selfish as I want to be. Period.
Anyway, I think I've babbled on enough for tonight. I'm going to finish my homework and then just veg out in front of the TV for a while. My brain feels like it's been pushed through a meat grinder these past few weeks. I just want to trance out and enjoy some programming that doesn't much more thought than an occasional giggle at the antics of whoever is on the screen.
The high school informed us that 3rd period has been cancelled for tomorrow. Don't know what that's about, but we've got an assembly instead. God, I hope it's not an abstinence presentation. I HATE those things! I'm gonna fuck every cute boy that gives me the nod! TWICE! So leave me alone!
I'll write more tomorrow. I'm going to force myself to get up and do the dishes now.
We need to start buying paper plates and plastic silverware in this house...