Tuesday

- Randall is HIDING from me!!!

I know he is! I called his phone three times today! The first two times, it rang three times and went to voicemail. But the third time I called, it went to voicemail after the first ring. Meaning he saw my number and rejected it on purpose. What is even going on here?

A million things keep running through my mind...

Was Randall trying to break us up from the very beginning? He said they used to date...well, Lee's special definition of dating anyway. But Randall complained about getting the same lackluster response from him that I did. Unless...he said that as a part of trying to break us up. Or...maybe not? Grrrr! Who knows?

Or...or maybe this is all some weird way for Lee to back together with me again. Considering his last words to me were 'fuck you, Billy', I figure he had to be pretty hurt and angry. But what if he told Randall to make me jealous or something?

That doesn't make much sense either. It is so odd for either one of them to be acting like this. I don't get them at all.

Anyway, I don't even know why I'm so agitated by any of this. I mean, he's gone. Lee and I aren't together anymore. We were never really together in the first place. Not the first time, not the second time. As Randall would put it...we were just 'fooling around'. Which sucks. Because I could have really been happy with Lee. At least for a little while.

Speaking of fooling around, I found myself looking at Robin's phone number today. It was weird...but it was almost like he popped in my head just seconds after having Randall basically hang up on me. Like...a stress reliever type of thing, I suppose. I didn't call him though. Chickened out again. I have got to sit down and work out a game plan with him, because I would like to know him a little better. I think I'd feel guilty just going over there and blowing a few loads in him when I can't even hold a decent conversation with him.

It would have been nice to have some quick contact with someone today, though. Just to connect with somebody. Some attention. I know that I'm being a user and I suck for that. But...it would have felt good.

Now that I read that back...it sounds kinda pathetic. Way to go, Billy.

I did have a little bit of fun today though, as Bobby Jinette looks like he's been sneaking around through the halls again today. Hahaha! What is with that boy? The closer he gets to Ian, the more he wants to run away from him. Now he's practically shuffle through the crowd of students unnoticed like some kinda black ops soldier, and it just looks silly.

I'm like, "What's with the ninja moves today?"

Bobby was like, "Umm...I don't know. I guess I just...well...yeah, I don't know..."

Confusing.

I said, "Does it have anything to do with Ian?"

Bobby says, "I don't know." But I looked him in the eye with a smile, and he caved immediately. He let's out this big sigh and says, "Ok...it's totally Ian." I asked him what the deal was, and he told me, "I think he's trying to tell me....you know that...that he's..."

I said, "Sweet, Bobby! That's great!"

But Bobby was like, "Dude...I can't help but to feel that this whole thing is going soooo fast. My head is spinning right now. I keep trying to get him to wait for just a little bit longer, but he seems to be pushing for something more."

I said, "I thought you were pushing for something more?"

Bobby was whining like, "I was. I mean...I am. I will. I just want things to slow down a little bit. It feels like I'm all out of control and upside down and I don't know what to do..." Bobby was actually breathing heavier. I half expected him to have a full blown panic attack if he kept letting the feeling escalate like that.

I told him, "I thought we had already decided that this was all a good thing, knowing that Ian liked you. We worked on this You were doing GREAT! You went out on a date, you guys had an awesome time, you were hanging out...what the heck went wrong?"

He's like, "I don't KNOW! I mean, I was feeling really really cool about everything, and I figured, you know, we'd both kinda take some time to get...umm...'closer', or whatever. But then Stevie had that big assembly and he told everybody that he was...what he was...and now everything feels like it's going into hyper speed. I thought I had more time to get myself together."

I said, "Get yourself together? What are you talking about?"

He's like, "I can't explain it, Billy. It's like, I feel fine one minute, and I tell myself that everything will be awesome. And then...I get closer to him...and the air gets thinner and my heart starts pounding...and it's like the feeling is so overwhelming that it CHOKES the words right out of me. I can't walk straight, I can't think straight, I can't even look at his smile without having to put my backpack in front of my crotch...he's driving me crazy!"

I giggled for a moment, and I said, "You know, you weren't like this before."

Bobby said, "I don't CARE what I was like before. This is what I'm like right now. And now the only way to keep from rushing into things is for me to avoid him completely. At least until I can come up with another plan."

I was like, "What plan? What foolproof magical event is going to take place that is going to make being with Ian any easier than it is right now." Wow, I think I've got Sam running around in my head now. I'm like, "Bobby, dude...this is going to be just as awkward a week from now. And a month from now. And a year from now. You can't just keep looking at it from the outside and trying to find a safe way to approach him. Eventually, you'll just have to take a deep breath and tell him how you feel."

Bobby shut his eyes with agony. I'm guessing that was the last thing that he wanted to hear. He said, "I just wanted to at least make it to Summer without pushing for some big romance that I might not be ready for. You know?"

I think I lost my focus for a bit when Bobby said that. 'Might not be ready for'. Wow. It was an exact mirror of the talk I had with Sam yesterday. Is that what I'm doing? Am I pulling a Bobby Jinette with Brandon? I guess it's the biggest risks that make us the most nervous. I mean, when it was me and Bobby that were kinda going through our...um...'relationship' (And I use that term loosely), I don't think we needed much more than a few active hormones and some privacy to make that work. With boys like Lee and Robin and AJ...I can think of all the hot times that I could gain and don't have to worry about what I could lose. But with Brandon? With Brandon I'm making an all or nothing bet. I can't 'half-love' Brandon. The feeling is way too strong for me to manipulate my own emotions from a safe distance. All this time I've been trying to knock some sense into Bobby Jinette, and he should probably be trying to knock some sense into me.

I think I'm going to make a deal for myself. For every step that Bobby takes towards Ian's affection...I'll take one towards Brandon. I'm sure that it ill be just as scary and as frustrating as it was before, but like I just said to Bobby, it's not going to get any easier. No matter how long I wait.

Yeah. YEAH! I think I can do that. I mean, what AM I waiting for? I don't have anyone that I'm really attached to, Stevie isn't in the picture anymore...and we both still have a spark of what made us work the first time around. He's the one I want. Maybe I should take my own advice for a change.

Well, my exams are forever creeping up on me, so I should put my notes in some kind of legible order to make them easier to study the night before finals start. I swear, I'm going to turn myself into Simon if I keep putting it of until later.

I'm going to call Randall one more time tonight too! He can't hide from me forever! If I have to catch that boy at the mall and drag him out by his HAIR, I will!

And he owes me some butt sex for being rude! That's gotta be in the bro code somewhere! :P

Laters...

- Billy