- You wanna know something? Joanna is definitely in 'heat' these days or something, because it seems like I can't even LOOK at her for more than a second without her wanting to kiss me on the mouth! It's like an obsession with her all of a sudden! I don't get it. She's been so...'cautious' with me until recently. But whatever it was that she was holding back before, she's obviously beginning to let go of it. She kissed me in the hallway, she kissed me at the lunch table, she kissed me after lunch, she kissed before her Spanish exam....and just before last period, she sucked on my NECK like her life depended on it! That's weird! I didn't even think girls got....like...HORNY! I know that GUYS did...but...*girls*? Really??? Hehehe, I have to admit, I kinda liked it. It was...different. She can't stop hugging and touching me these days, and it's getting harder and harder to hide my boner from her when she's hanging all over me like that. I can't necessarily control 'Little Billy' as much as I'd like to believe, you know? Even with her Girlfriend or no girlfriend, it's not cool to let the rest of the school see me so....um....'aroused'.
You know what? I went into my class today, and even though most of the kids seemed to have already forgotten about Jimmy and what he had done to himself...I noticed our teacher sadly gazing out of the window during a pop quiz. The same way I was doing this past weekend. And I wondered if that had anything to do with Jimmy too. Wow....imagine that...being able to affect a TEACHER with your absence! I mean, kids ditch all the time, but I never thought of a teacher actually giving a shit about one of their students before. I guess Jimmy was one of the smart ones, so she probably missed him a little bit. All I know is that I got the strangest feeling of 'humanity' from seeing her like that. Not ready to cry, but not far from being depressed herself. Did her mind entertain the same self anguish from not seeing the signs earlier the way mine did? Who knows? All I knew was that this was the first time that I ever saw her as a.....PERSON. Does she feel that way about all of us? Or just Jimmy? I might never know the answer.
Some GOOD news, however, is that I talked to Brandon on the phone tonight! Oh man....sighhhhh! Hehehe, I shouldn't be all dreamy and goofy over him like this, but talking to him on the phone was soooooo damn cool! It wasn't like the conversations we had in the library or outside by the bike rack. This was different. You know what he did? He put on a cd, and told me what he was listening to. I had the same cd in my collection too, so he said he'd start his over while I put mine on. We counted down...three, two, one...play! And we were listening to the SAME cd at the same time! Hehehe, I dunno, it was 'cute', you know? Everything Brandon does is cute. Every time he said, "Ooh, I love this song!" I'd say it too. And whenever I said, "This song is ok, but it could've been better." He'd say the SAME thing! Which was WAY cool, because it was like we were sitting in the room together. You know? And something about that made me...kinda...'wiggly' inside. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. But honestly...I got 'hard' talking to him! Hehehe! I DID! I had to like....press down on myself and adjust my position every few minutes just to keep from squirming uncontrollably. He was making me so HOT just talking to me! You know...Brandon's voice sounds even MORE beautiful over the phone than it does in real life! And his LAUGHM...omigod...hearing him laugh made me writhe on the floor like a horny fish out of water! It was amazing! If I wasn't already falling for AJ....Brandon would definitely be the biggest crush of my fucking LIFE, right now! Hands down! DAMN him for being so irreversibly straight! I'd almost be willing to put on a wig and a dress just to get a shot at having sex with him while he was drunk or something! God...that's awful! I can't believe I just wrote that! Hahaha! But I meant every word! He's such a damn HOTTIE! He makes me feel so good. I don't know how, but he does.
Anyway, that's it for today. I'm sure I'll have more to write tomorrow, so until then....adios!
- Dammit! Today was one of those days where NOTHING seems to fucking go right at ALL!!! EVERYTHING is just fucking wrong! Why is it that the universe decides to pick ONE person on the Earth to screw around with every day? Today, it was definitely my turn!
First of all, I got a "C-" on a make up test today in History....which was even WORSE than the one I got before! My teacher's gonna average that out to something awful, and I'm probably gonna have to hear about it ENDLESSLY from my parents. I was TRYING! I really WAS this time around, but this test was HARD, you know? How do they expect anybody to learn this stuff in a WEEK anyway! I mean, Jesus! There's like a hundred dates and places and names to remember and they cram it all into your head at lightning speed! You watch ONE tv show that night, and all of that supposedly 'useful' information is just plain GONE! Grrrr! I just can't grasp things that fast! Not with all this 'important' stuff going on in my life right now!
Also.....I had a big fight with Sam this morning. Like THAT'S gonna make my day any better! Except this time...well...I felt kinda bad about it. I guess I was a bit harsh on him this time around. Him and his mom had some kind of weird argument, and he was trying to tell me about it. But I wasn't listening. I just.....I've been avoiding him a lot lately, and I didn't think he had noticed really. Maybe, even I was kinda oblivious to it. But evidently he sensed some kind of change in the way that I interacted to him. And this morning he confronted me with it. He's all, "Why don't you talk to me anymore? Are you mad at me or something?" And I told him that I wasn't. But I think that was a lie. I mean, wasn't it? To be totally honest, I WAS mad at him. I have been since Jimmy went into the hospital. But I was dealing with it just fine until he pushed me. He kept ASKING! "What's the matter with you, anyway? If you're mad at me, just SAY it!"
So I yelled, "I'm NOT mad at you! Fuck! What do you want from me?"
And he says, "I want you to tell me the truth!" And then he says, "It's Jimmy, isn't it? Ever since he tried to kill himself, you've been looking at me like it's MY fault! Well if you think it's my fault then just be a man and fucking SAY it!" He kept pushing, and pushing, and PUSHING! So...I got ANGRY! And finally, I let him have it! I let it all out, at full volume, and I told him exactly what I thought! I told him how cruel he had been to Jimmy over the years, how he didn't even bother to TALK to him most of the time, and when he did, he had nothing but jokes and insults to offer him! I told him how badly he had been treating Jimmy from the very beginning, and how much he must have been hurt by the stupid tricks he played on him. If he had just....been a little NICER to him! If he could just think about HIS feelings and how much what he was doing was HURTING him day after fucking day...maybe none of this would have happened! Yeah...I told him! I gave Sam both barrels in anger! And....when I was finished....the look on his face...it was more painful than anything I've ever seen from him. I regretted it almost right away.
Sam almost looked ready to 'cry' from the shock of it, and after a pause, he shoved me back a few steps, and he said, "I DIDN'T do this! It's NOT my fault!" It was at that time that I saw a single tear drop from his eye, and he quickly turned to walk away from me. I instantly felt like shit for doing it. I really did. I tried to call after him to apologize, but he just sped up his pace and ran off. I was angry, sure...and HE pushed me into it! But....I didn't want to be 'unfair' to him I mean...blaming an attempted suicide on somebody...that's just low. I don't care what he did, he didn't deserve that. Not from his best friend.
I didn't chase after him. I just kinda let him go. What could I possibly say to take it back? Nothing. Not when it came to stuff like THAT. I just hope he'll forgive me after a day or two.
I thought it over, and I decided to force myself to go see Jimmy on Friday. I'm not gonna back out. I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna see him, and...I dunno...give him some kind of comforting hug or something. It's the least I can do. I'm gonna let him know that no matter what kind of trouble he's been through, that he's got at least ONE friend left in this world. Someone who cares. Someone who will be there for him, even when times are hard. I almost feel proud to be given the opportunity to be that special guy for someone else. It gives you a chance to really show your character. To really be the bigger person and just sacrifice some of your pride to really make a difference. For Jimmy...I'd do that. For him, I'd do almost anything. He was my first 'kiss' after all.
You know, I think I'm gonna call Brandon again soon. Brandon and AJ. If I talked to them both on the same night...I'd be in HEAVEN! Whoah....if I had SEX with them at the same time...I'd REALLY be in Heaven!!! OMIGOD!!! That'd be so freakin' hot! All three of us just...wrapped around each other and kissing and hard and just.....oh man! I gotta go jack off now! Like...RIGHT NOW!!! I'll write some more later! But for now, my fluids are bubbling over! Arrrgh! This has gotten me soooooooo stiff! Later!
- Psh! Ha! You wanna know what Simon said to me today? He's all like, "Hey Billy...how come we don't hang out anymore?" Can you BELIEVE him??? I WANTED to hang out! I WANTED to have him over all the time! But the second he thinks I'm a 'queer'...he starts avoiding me like I had the black PLAGUE! Screw him! He HAD his chance, and he fucked it all up by being a homophobe! I've got AJ now! Simon's cute, but I don't need him OR his sexy little ass! I've got better things to do with my time than guess whether or not he's gonna disown me the moment he finds out that I like boys instead of girls. The only thing I hate is the fact that Simon's still really cute and a part of me still really wants him naked and cuddled up next to me. But he played his cards already, and he lost out. So to hell with him. I basically just smiled and told him I'd talk to him 'later'. If I actually DO talk to him, great. If I don't...no big loss. Too bad blondie. You should have loved me when you had the chance. I've fucking moved on now. Find somebody else.
BUT....and this was HUGE for me....GUESS WHO SPOKE TO ME TODAY?!?!?! Jamie Cross!!!! THE Jamie Cross!!! And I don't mean, like, some little conversation where we were passing each other in the hallway and he tells me I dropped my book or something! NO! This was an actual CONVERSATION!!! He was talking to one of his friends at the front door, and they were having a debate over who was better...the Sex Pistols, or the Ramones! I was walking by, and Jamie pulled me aside. (HE ACTUALLY TOUCHED ME!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!) And he asks me, "Which one do YOU think is better?" And I was SO hoping that I'd get this right! I wanted to be on Jamie's side SOOO bad! But after looking at his clothes for any logos or buttons or anything that might give away which one HE liked better...I just answered as honestly as I could and hoped it would be the one he picked. So I said the Ramones....and YES!!!!! That was JAMIE'S pick too!!! Wooo hooooo!!!!! I felt like I was walking on air! So Jamie says "THANK YOU!!!" And he rubs my shoulder! Just a little bit...but to me, it was like my whole world turned pink! Shit....I nearly screamed out loud like some N'Sync fan or something when he touched me.
It sounds really psychotic, but when I got home today, I pulled my shirt off, and rubbed the place where he touched me all over my face! I'm not kidding! Does that sound weird? Yeah...hehehe....I guess it does. Well, I did it, and I could SWEAR that I could still smell his scent on the fabric. Sighhhhh.....he's so damn gorgeous! It HURTS to even think about him liking me! At ALL! Jamie Cross has been at the top of my sexual wish list since I first discovered that I liked guys! He's been the most beautiful guy at our school for years, and not a single boy out there could ever hope to take the title as long as he's living! And he touched me. He talked to me. He was happy with my decision. I don't think I've ever been more in love! I WANT you Jamie Cross!!!! I want you with all my heart and soul and liver and spleen and every OTHER organ I've got to offer!!!
I'm dancing on air right now, and I don't want to waste anymore of this good feeling on this book. No offense, of course. I just....I feel like I've been asked to MARRY him or something! I wonder...if I talk to him tomorrow, if he'll remember me and smile. OMIGOD....I'm like...SO over the top right now! I've gotta run around the block or something! Hahaha! I'm FLYING! YES!!! I'd love to kiss him! I'm gonna go kiss my pillow right now and practice! I'd make it sooo good! I WOULD! Believe me! Hehehe! Ok, that's enough! Just loving life at the moment! Nothing more.
I'm going to go see Jimmy tomorrow, so I need my sleep. Unless Jamie wants to come over and have hot butt naked SEX with me all day!!! Then I might stay home. Hehehe, but JUST in case that doesn't happen...I'm gonna go over there and say hello. I'm a bit worried about how it'll go, but I should at least try, right? It'll be good to see him. It'll be good for him to see me too, I hope.
G'night! More later!