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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And I'll get Julian De La Celle to teach you how to French kiss!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I wish that I could say that I woke up this morning, ready to face the world with a fresh attitude and a whole new passion for life. I wish that I could say that my little run-in with Brandon didn't hurt anymore. But why lie to a book? You know? Especially a book that I'm writing. I don't want to deceive myself. I want to be able to look back at this book, some day in the distant future, and have an exact account of what really happened. What I was feeling. What I was going through. Who knows? Maybe one day it will all make sense.
I guess I'm just nostalgic because I realized that I'm way more than half way through this new journal of mine, and I feel like I just bought it. It made me think about going back and looking at some of my older books and my older entries. It's funny that I started with my last journal, the one I finished before this one....and it just happened to be the one Brandon gave me for my birthday.
Something about that really soured my spirit, you know? Just looking at the cover...my name pressed into it...it reminded me of how sweet we were on each other at one time. Before....you know...'yesterday'.
The way I talked about him, the way I longed to be near him, the way just the simplest of smiles from his gentle lips used to drive me so CRAZY...hehehe....you would have thought that he was an angel straight from Heaven. I actually had to laugh at the silly way I used to gush over that boy without any shame at all. I'd jump out of bed every morning with an ear-to-ear grin, ready to rush to my bedroom window and scream it out to the whole world!
Then...everything went wrong. And yesterday? What he said to me....?
I don't think I ever truly understood what the term 'last straw' meant before he looked me in the eyes and broke my heart the way he did. I've been romanticizing over the boy that I once fell so madly in love with. But that boy is dead now. Nothing of him remains. And he doesn't care. I don't even think he understands just how MUCH he hurt me. Maybe he never will.
I saw Brandon in the hallway right before my second period class. And only because I forgot something in my locker and had to go back and get it. My whole reaction to seeing him was involuntary. It didn't matter if his presence excited me, terrified me, or just plain gutted me...I found myself suddenly slamming my locker door shut, twisting the combination lock, and turning my back on him so I could scamper off in the other direction.
Not to run away from him, really. It was more like...I didn't want to look him in the face. I didn't want to hear his voice. I'm so hurt right now, I just don't know what I might say or do. I don't even know how I would feel if we said more than three words to each other. I'm his biggest 'annoyance'. A pest. That's what he said. Why let him take it back now and pretend it's not true?
It sort of sounded like he called out my name from behind me, but I was moving too fast to really hear him. I doubt I would have responded anyway. The sound of his voice would be like taking a sledgehammer to the left side of my chest where my heart used to be. I didn't need that. I couldn't even handle that right now. I don't want his pity, I don't want him to be nice to me out of guilt, nor do I want him to give a shit about me just because I threatened him with my absence. I want him to care about how I feel. And he doesn't. It never crosses his mind. He cares more about talking to Stevie everyday and sharing giggles with him than he does about my misery and 'less than important' status in his life. So yeah...I took off. I didn't answer him. I didn't turn around. I didn't even make eye contact. Enough is enough. And if I'm going to break this addiction to the one person who seriously doesn't want me around, the person I went so goofy over in these other six journals of mine...then I need to start right now. Today. I need to push Brandon out of my mind for good. Because whether I'm being too needy or he's being too distant...we're just not compatible anymore. So, despite taking a lot of punishment and always coming back for more...'the last straw' was what his comments to me represented yesterday. The last straw.
I made one of the worst mistakes of my life with Brandon. I admit that. But I won't live the rest of my life in misery trying to make up for it. No boy is worth that. Not even Brandon.
It seems like everybody in the whole school is getting this really spacey, glazed, look in their eyes. I think the dread over end of the year finals has gotten them worn out to the point where being in school is like being in a George Romero, "Night of the Living Dead" movie. I think we're all burning out at the last minute before the main event. I have to admit that I've had my brain take a few 'vacations' on me over the last week or so. I mean, there's an actual, physical, buzz that goes on in your head when you've been burning the midnight oil too hard for too long. It doesn't really hurt...but you feel it. And all some people want to do at that point is shut down. I'm one of those people who shut down.
Simon, on the other hand...is NOT one of those people! Which is why I was left in a bedazzled state of total shock when he told me today that he was taking a nice long break! What the...???
He was like, "It's true, Billy. I haven't felt this good in a long LONG time!" Then he says, "You want to know what I did last night?"
I'm like, "What?"
And Simon was like, "*NOTHING*...." His smile was so...peaceful, you know? Almost dreamy, you know? Simon said, "I just went to my room after dinner last night, shut the door, and I did nothing for the rest of the night. And I didn't even feel guilty about it this time. I didn't study, I didn't have to answer to anybody, I didn't feel like I was handcuffed to my responsibilities, I didn't pick up the phone when it rang...I didn't even talk to Melissa last night. As a matter of fact, I didn't even eat dinner with my parents last night. It's, like...my life was 'mine' again. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever had before. Not having to perform tricks according to what somebody else wanted from me. I could just lay back on my bed in silence and let the worry and the stress go for a while. It felt great, Billy. It felt SOOOO great! Hehehe!" I didn't know what to say. I think Simon was cracking up on me. Seriously. He was all like, "You know...I think Trace had the right idea. I've been so involved in building up this stellar future for myself that I forgot how to live for today. Right now. I work myself to near death and make an idiot out of myself, when I could have been relaxing and just...enjoying a little bit of life and sunshine every once in a while. What the heck was I doing to myself?" I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I gave Simon a strange look, and he said, "I don't even WANT to take my finals now. I just wanna relax, man. I don't want to keep my nose pressed in a book, or tutor other people, or deal with Melissa's attention issues....I think I just want to...keep feeling the way I feel right now. Like...forever."
The first thought that I had was, "Omigod! I think we 'broke' Simon!!!!"
I never wanted him to just...give up on his studies. His hopes and dreams. I just wanted him to take a little break. I reminded him that end of the year exams were only a week and a half away at the most! But he just shrugged his shoulders as though it didn't matter to him at all. He just said that whatever happens, happens. WHAT? Jesus! What the hell did I DO to him???
Simon had this weird, hippie, smile on his face. And he says to me, "Hey...if you and Trace are getting together this weekend to hang out, count me in. I wanna hang out with you guys again. If you don't mind having me around, that is?"
I think Trace and I created a monster here! Luckily, Trace told me that he wouldn't be able to hang out tonight. He didn't really explain why, and I didn't necessarily ask him about it. But, knowing Trace...he would have said yes in a heartbeat if he could. If for no other reason than he likes surprising me with his late night shenanigans. Sure, a part of me was disappointed. But it's not like Trace wouldn't come find me as soon as he got the opportunity to both guzzle down some liquor and peer pressure me into doing the same. Mischievous little goblin, that he was.
Still though....Simon? Really? Not doing his studies? Ditching his girlfriend? It didn't sound like him at all. Not what I KNEW of him, anyway. And I say that because...when I looked at his eyes...his dainty fingers pushing his glasses up with a certain sense of sheepish pride, his soft blond locks sweeping across the lenses as he smiled brightly at me...it was almost as if all of Simon's problems had been magically erased. I mean, I couldn't really help but to be happy for him. But....yeah...of the all people to burn out around here, Simon was the last one that I thought would be pulled over to the dark side.
The weirdest part of my day came just before dinner, though. I....I don't know. It's kind of hard to explain. My mom left the house because she was making some kind of stir fry for dinner and had to get garlic and olive oil from the grocery store. At least that's what I think she said. Who knows? I just eat here.
Anyway...I was feeling kinda down. I think the silence in the house was causing me to think too much. Brandon...that look on his face...those words...it just keeps playing over and over again in my head. And there were few pinches of pain in my heart that made my face frown up, almost ready to cry...but not quite. I tried to distract myself, but I don't have anything in my house that's more distracting than heartache.
I was on the computer for a bit...and as I moved the keyboard, I saw a small piece of paper underneath it. With Robin's phone number on it.
I stared at it for a full minute or two before picking it up. I remember tapping my fingers on the desk. I remember feeling the actual thought being 'born' into my conscious mind. My mom wasn't around. And I have been putting this off for almost a week now. Certainly a better distraction from heart ache.
I knew I shouldn't. I mean, it's not like I have no self control. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it. I wanted to feel good. I wanted someone to say they loved me...even if they didn't mean it. I kept reminding myself that this wasn't me. That this wouldn't be a good idea. But the majority of my good sense kept telling me, 'just one more time.' Who's it gonna hurt, you know? I can feel bad about it later. Right at that moment, it wasn't much of an issue. I'm gonna hate myself for this someday. But someday isn't here yet.
So I dialed the number. Can't believe that I actually had the guts, to tell you the truth.
There was a lot of tension in waiting for him to pick up his cell phone. What would he think about me calling him out of the blue like this? What do I say to him? How will he respond? Is he going to know...ummm...why I'm calling? Considering that our only real contact has been the exchange of sex fluids. I mean...should I be embarrassed? Do I come off as desperate? Ugh! Is this what guys feel like when they order a prostitute or something? I couldn't believe it. Billy Chase was actually making a friggin' booty call.
So Robin answers the phone...I know his delicate little voice anywhere. And he's like, "Hello?"
And I froze! It was only for a couple of seconds, but I'm sure he noticed. I almost hung up on him. But that would have been stupid. It's not like he couldn't just look at his phone and realize that it was me calling. So I was like, "Uhhh...hey. Robin? It's Billy. Soooo...what's up?"
For a moment, he just said, "Hey, Billy. Wait, hold on a sec, k?" And then I could hear his MOM in the background. It was a really weird experience, because he was talking to her like...like...yikes. He was the SWEETEST, most innocent little angel ever. It sounded like he had one of those perfect little 'Leave It To Beaver' families, with mom's who bake cookies, and a dad that puts on a bathrobe and slippers smoking a pipe while reading the evening paper. It was such a shock to me. Their whole interaction was really....really wholesome. All I could think about was the fact that I was balls deep in this boy's tight ass while having him huff and puff and whisper sensual obscenities in my ear while he rode me hard like a deranged cowboy last weekend!
A part of me was turned on by it. But a bigger part of me was consumed by the thought that Robin's parents, his neighbors, his friends....have absolutely NO idea what goes on in that house when they're not around. He's only 8 months younger than me, but if his parents think he's some naive little boy without an ounce of random 'naughtiness' in him whatsoever, they would be seriously mistaken. A boy scout...he is not.
It was like night and day, this conversation. And I finally heard him say, "I'll be back, Mom. I wanna talk to my friend, ok?" And she smiled and said that dinner would be ready around 6. He grinned, and said, "Ok. I'm gonna go to the basement for a little while."
I actually heard his mom say, "Ok, sweetie." Which added this level of sugary 'Brady Bunch' goodness to the whole experience. Then...I heard Robin walking downstairs to the basement. Shutting the door behind him. And once he had some privacy, I heard a change in his voice. One that was more familiar to me, but a completely schizophrenic change to what I was just hearing only a few seconds ago in that kitchen.
He was like, "What's the word, tasty boy? Hmm? You looking to come over some time, or what?"
WHAT??? Was that all it took? A phone call? I was like, "Well...I mean...um..." I didn't want to come off as some sort of creep or anything. He's not just some filthy cum dump that I can use whenever I feel the urge. I didn't think that was fair. But...he wanted it. I mean...all I said was hello, and he's all ready to strip naked and have me fuck his brains out again. I was confused. Was that...hot? Or not? I actually found myself at a loss for words.
He's like, "I might have some time tomorrow. Why don't you come see me? I've actually been a whole week without any loving at all. I think AJ's got himself something on the side, so he's busy at the moment. But...to be honest...I love the way you fuck me. I've been thinking about it ever since you left last weekend. You definitely know how to make me weak, Billy Chase. Heh...."
I can't explain to you why I felt a bit uncomfortable with this whole thing. I mean...Robin was just saying the things that I was thinking when I dialed his number in the first place. I just don't think I've had anybody be so brazen about it before. As horny as I was, I don't think I was really experienced with this kind of blatant display of lust. I stuttered for a moment and said, "Well...I mean....I was thinking...I mean...if you have time tomorrow...? I mean...um...if you want..."
Robin was like, "Tomorrow sounds great. I miss the taste of you, cutie. Look, I'll have the house clear around 2 o'clock. K? but you've got to be here AT 2! I want to spend some time on you. I need it. I need it soooo bad right now, you have no idea."
Nervous, I said..."Oh. Ok. Well...I'll give it to you then. Yeah." Was that sexy? I don't think I made that sound sexy. I was trying, but it was a big 'fail' on my part. I'm like, "So...tomorrow then?"
He's like, "Definitely. The second you get here, I want that hot cock inside of me. I want you to fuck me crazy like you did last time. I'm gonna make your eyes roll back once I get my hot hole wrapped around you, baby. K? Promise. 2 PM! Don't be late. I'll save up some thick and creamy cum for you to swallow when you get here!"
Um...wow. Ok, so maybe Robin isn't the charming and loveable sweetheart that I took him for. Unless this was all just some horny act to get me over there. I couldn't really tell. I didn't know him well enough to tell. But when I hung up that phone...something about that whole exchange felt kinda...dirty to me. Is that crazy or what? Like I said...fucking him is exactly what I wanted and it was the whole reason for me to call him in the first place. But....I don't know...it was all out in the open now. It was a bit more slutty than I imagined it.
This isn't what I used to get from Brandon. Not by a long shot. But I made the date. I guess I've got to go.
I jacked off tonight, just thinking about how hot it's going to be if we get together. Just us. The physical act of it, I mean. Nothing else. But the orgasmic release wasn't as orgasmic as it used to be. It was lesser than. Average at best. Hardly all that different from sneezing and blowing my nose afterward. And I can't even say that I was confused as to what was missing. So...am I going to go through with this or what? What do I do? What do I think? What do I feel?
I don't know. My head hurts. This is almost worse than studying for finals. I wish I had Trace to keep my thoughts preoccupied tonight. I think that would have been the better choice.
Gotta go. I'll write more later.
Ps- funny...I never thought of sex as being 'dirty' before. But now...I'm not so sure. As cute as Robin is...something about this feels dangerous. Is that weird? I think too much...