Sunday

- I was hoping to hang out with somebody today. Just to get some 'buddy' time in with somebody. Anybody. The house was kinda quiet today. Even for a Sunday. So I got bored pretty quickly. It's like that feeling that you're totally wasting a day of your life, but as inspired as you are to get out of the house and do something...you don't have any idea whatsoever, what that something is. It just makes you kinda restless, I guess.

Anyway, I started off by calling Sam first. After things went so well at the Hill last weekend, I figured that he might want to go back and shoot the shit again for a while. Unfortunately....he already had 'plans'.

He was like, "Awww, sorry, dude. No can do. I promised Michelle that I would go along with her while she's shopping for her dad's birthday. She says she needs a male point of view to help her pick something out, but I think it's a trick. She just wants to show me off to her friends."

I smiled, like, "Yeah, right. Whatever."

He said, "I'm serious. Every time we run into somebody she knows at the mall, she gets all snuggly and stuff. Starts holding onto my arm and kissing me on the cheek. Not that I'm complaining."

I told him, "Well, at least you get to play the pretty boy for a little while."

He giggled and said, "It's doing her a lot more good than it's doing me. I'm just waiting for us to reach a level where she passes a friend in the mall and she just yanks my pants down and BLOWS me right in front of everybody! Hahaha! Like, 'Huh? What are we doing? Ohhh nothing...'"

I couldn't help but to laugh out loud at the mental image I got from that. If she didn't want to do it, I'd be happy to jump in her place. Kinda like a blowjob stunt double. Hehehe!

It felt good to smile for a moment, but then this weird feeling came over me as thoughts of Sam and Michelle spending quality time together sort of soured my mood a bit. I asked him, "So...you and Michelle. You really like her, huh?"

He's like, "Yeah. I do. She can be a lot of fun. You should hang out with us some time."

I felt weird about it, but before I got a hold of my impulse control, I asked, "Do you like her more than Joanna?" There was a moment of silence from Sam's side of the phone. It was only a second or two, but I felt like a total jackass for asking him something like that. I immediately said, "Dude, I'm sorry. That was rude."

But Sam told me, "No, it's ok. Honestly. don't sweat it." He thought about it for a moment, and he was like, "I won't lie to you and say that I don't think about her sometimes. And other times, I'm wondering if she ever thinks about me too. Then I realize that I don't want to know."

I'm like, "You don't?"

He said, "If she does think about me...it doesn't take the hurt away. And if she doesn't ever think about me, then the pain gets worse. So I try to not obsess over it too much."

I said, "I'm sure she does. Just saying." I don't know if that was meant to make him feel better or anything, but what else was I going to say?

Sam sighed over the phone, and he was like, "Yeah...Joey was one of a kind. She was really something. But you know...it didn't work out. It sucks, but at least I gave it a shot, right? It's been a while now, and it hurts less and less every day. Eventually, it won't hurt at all. I just want to date and have some fun right now. It's not like Michelle and I are gonna get married or anything. She's great, but she'll never be Joey. And don't you EVER tell her I said that, or I'll kick your balls up into your throat! Hehehe!"

I did understand where he was coming from. I was sort of going in the same direction. Having feelings for someone that can't return them to me. It can be a scary feeling, having all your eggs in one basket like that. Being so invested into ONE person, feeling like you've only got ONE perfect match in this world...and that you could actually mess it up. Knowing just how fragile that one relationship can be, and if you lose it...if you miss out or let it pass you by...then that's it. Your one shot at happiness is over and done with. And you'll never get it back again.

It's the most uneasy feeling in the world. And I keep hoping that some other boy will come into my life who will prove to me that I hadn't spoiled my chance. Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking back at Brandon and wondering if I just...threw it all away for nothing.

Sam said that he might call me later, but I kinda knew that he wouldn't. He was Michelle's for the day. Best friends and girlfriends just can't coexist sometimes. Why even bother to stress Sam out by having him try to divide his attention between us equally?

But...for the record...my blowjobs are still the best he's ever had! Hehehe! So take THAT, ya 'vagina vendor'!

I made a quick call to see what Trace was up to, but he seemed to be in a strange mood himself today. That was twice in a row that he didn't jump at the chance to get into some mischief with me. It wasn't like him at all. It's not like Mr. Spontaneous to have any plans made in advance.

Trace was like, "I'm sorry about this weekend, Billy. Honestly. Mikey at something that made him 'tummy sick', so I put him to bed and just watched movies with him all day Saturday. Your stepmom made us some kick ass brownies though. So that was cool." Ugh! My stepmom? She may be living there, but she's far from being my stepmom. Not yet, anyway. Ugh...just hearing that put a bad taste in my mouth. Trace was like, "I wouldn't have been much fun anyway. I've been a little down in the dumps lately."

I said, "How come? What's the matter?"

He said, "If you don't mind, I'd rather not get into it. Otherwise, I'm gonna feel like moping around this house for the rest of the evening."

I'm like, "Oh...well, I mean...if you want me to call back later or something...?"

Trace says, "Nah. It's cool. Besides, it's good to hear your voice. I'm glad you called."

You see? There it is again. That little flirtatious tone of voice, soft and warm. That hidden invitation. It's stuff like that that makes me want run over to his house, tackle him to the floor and kiss him until we both pass out from lack of oxygen! I mean, when Trace is being funny and unpredictable...he's really cute to me! But...when he let's that touch of vulnerability show, just a hint of his soft underbelly...he goes into a whole other category for me. And that makes it very hard to be friendly and nothing more. Because it's like, 'Great...now I'm picturing us naked and kissing and rolling around on the floor while Trace is trying to talk to me about the weather or whatever.' SO not cool of me.

Anyway, before hanging up, Trace said, "Listen, I totally ducked out on you this weekend. Let me make it up to you tomorrow after school. Whaddya say?"

I shrugged like, "Umm...yeah. Sure. What are we doing?"

Trace... "Hehehehe...."

I'm like, "Oh. Right. Hehehe, I don't even know why I asked."

Trace said, "Now you're learning." Then he tells me, "I get to miss the first two periods of school tomorrow. Your dad is taking me back to those dreary little offices on the edge of town for more paperwork and stuff."

I asked him, "Paperwork?"

He's like, "Yeah. My parents haven't really settled things yet. And my mom...? Well, she's just being a total bitch right now. She doesn't know how to let things go. She's just being stubborn for stubbornness sake. We kinda have to get things straightened out before your dad moves this Summer. It's all so complicated. I just wish I didn't have to think about it anymore. Anyway, I'll be looking for a few chuckles afterward. You game?"

I said, "Yep! I'll bring my clown outfit and a horn."

Trace said, "Add a blow up doll and some tissues, and you've got a deal. Hehehe!"

You SEE??? Jesus! He's gotta stop that! Trace is too damn cute to play with people's emotions this way!

So, yeah...after twiddling my thumbs for a while, I kinda stopped looking for someone to hang out with. I mean, I was just a few hours from Sunday dinner anyway. So even if I found something to do, I'd have to turn right around and come back before I even got started with anything fun. Unless of course...I went back to Robin's house. In which case, the fun starts the second he opens the door.

You'd think I'd be disgusted by the thought of going back over there after how dirty I felt yesterday...but I wasn't. In fact, it made me horny while I was thinking about. I don't know what it is about that boy that excites me so, but the hardest part is wondering whether I want the feeling to go away or not. I'm weird like that.

I wonder if Ian kept his word or not. I wonder if him and Bobby are somewhere banging each other senseless, and holding each other close while waiting to build up enough semen to go at it again. I wonder if Ian is softly whispering his love for Bobby in his ear, and receiving a loving kiss as a reward. I hope they realize how lucky they are right now. A feeling like that is a lot more rare than I had originally thought. The hormones are always buzzing, but the heart strings can only be pulled by a certain few. And even fewer can play a tune worth hearing over and over again. So, I wish them luck. I didn't bug them. Partially because if Ian told Bobby how he really felt last night, then they would probably want to spend some time alone together today. I'd feel like an intruder, you know? And the other part of it is...I didn't want to hear any sappy lovey dovey talk today. I don't mean to be selfish, but...Sam and Michelle are happy, Bobby and Ian are happy...even Randall and Lee are happy now. Or so I assume. What's next? My dad calls and talks about happy he is with my...stepmom? Arrrghh!!! I HATE writing that word in my journal! HATE it!

Anyway, so there it is. I've wasted yet another day of my life. As well as a few more pages in this book. I could have studied a bit more for finals, since they're coming up so soon...but I didn't. I'm burned out on studying. I just want everything to be over with so I can make it to Summer break already. I think I'll get a job or something. It would be awesome to have some spending money that's worth more than the few dollars my mom keeps in her purse. Whatever. I' just gonna get online and look at porn or something. Anything to give the big head a rest and let the little head do all the work.

I'll write more tomorrow.

- Billy

Ps- It was weird having Trace mention my dad moving away. I think that I've been making a subconscious effort to just not accept that the whole situation was even happening. Now that I've been reminded...I feel slightly worse than I did before. Who knows how much sand is left in that particular hourglass? What am I waiting for? Why can't I just talk to him?