- I'm feeling a bit...woozy right now, hehehe! But I don't want to miss a day in my book. I've been so dedicated for so long, it would be a blemish on my rektor record at this point...

Amneway wanna know something? AJ called me tonight. Isn't that weird? I mean, not weird but...I didn't expect it.

Sorry, I'm a little...ummm...beyond tipsy right now. Hehehe! gotta get my hand steady here... thing that made me feel really weird was...well...evidently, Robin told AJ that I came over to his house on Saturday. I mean...what the hell? You know? Not that it was any big secret or anything, but...I didn't think Robin would casually bring it up in his everyday conversation with somebody else. Even if it was AJ.

I just...I felt totally exposed when he mentioned it.

AJ was like, "Robin said you guys had one hell of a good time this weekend. What's up? You didn't want to invite me to the party, or what?"

I stuttered for a moment, like, "I was kinda last minute. It's not like we...I mean I didn't..."

But AJ was like, "Relax! Hehehe! It's not like you fucked my boyfriend. I get it. He's a hottie. That's why I hooked up with him in the first place. That's why I hooked YOU up with him in the first place. He digs you, Billy. Fuck him all you want, I don't care."

I don't know...something about having AJ say that to me without so much as batting an eye made it feel even more scandalous than before.

Then he's like, "Listen, I'm all for a guy getting his rocks off. But I've got a little something else on the side that you might just like. I'll tell you what...why don't you come over to my house on Wednesday. I've got the place to myself for a few hours. You know it's not a party without you, babe."

He was always so brazen. So deliberate in his commands. The ease of verbal delivery alone was enough to intimidate you out of saying no.

I'm like, "Well...what about Robin?" I asked.

He said, "C'mon, man. A bee doesn't keep pollinating the same flower over and over again. He moves around. You've gotta learn to expand your territory, dude. there are a LOT of boys out there who need loving from hotties like you and me. Together, we could probably fuck them all! Hehehe!" I wasn't sure how to take that. I felt dirty even listening to this, to be honest. But then A was like, "Listen, I like Robin a lot. But he's going to get old eventually. And he understands what this is. We fuck. That's what he wants, that's what we give him. But something tells me, if you hit me up on Wednesday, I've got a boy that might just blow your mind. Among other things. I'll let it by a little surprise. What do you say?"

I said, "I...I don't know..."

But sez'z...ugh...HE', "This boy is a serious piece of ass, Billy! Honestly! It's like your first time all over again. You'll love it. Come join us. He'll be into it. Promise."

Mentally....emotionally...I was turned off by the idea. I didn't want to believe that I could be that chellow shallow. But...and this might have been because of my day mixed with the influence of alcohol, I said, "I don't know. Maybe. But I don't know." AJ took that as a yes. And I couldn't help but notice that I was hard as a rock while I was talking to him on the phone. The thought of sexually penetrating another cute mall boy, having them suck me off as though they'd never get another chance to do it, seeing the pleasure in their eyes as came all over their face in thick, heated, streams of excited me on a primal level that my common sense couldn't reason with.

He says to me, "I know you're up to it. I'm telling you, we should hang out. I could make you my wing man for the whole Summer. Summer boys are the BEST! And everybody has an empty house to fuck in while the parents are a work and the kids aren't. I wanna bang some perfect 10's over break. You're pretty enough to have them come running from all over. You look a lot more 'innocent' than I do. Hehehe, you can help me to get a taste of boys I can't get on my own."

Another contract with the devil. That's what it felt like. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no either. Sohuld Should that bother me as much as it does?

Before hanging up, I asked him, "AJ? Alex? Is that...what happened with you and me? Did know...get old?"

I was surprised that there was a slight pause on his end of the phone. And he told me, "You know, Billy....there was a time when I thought I had gone about as far with you as you were willing to allow me to go. I reached the peak, and I didn't want to stay stuck up there." Then he said, "But...last month...when I saw you walk into that mall, and your little friend had stood you up to be with someone had fire in your eyes. It was something that I hadn't seen before. I liked it. I could almost say that I was proud of you. Because you stopped giving a shit. You totally stopped caring. The very fact that you came over to Robin's house in the first place shows me that you've got a naughty side that I hadn't seen before. I mean, listen...nobody is ever going to love us as much as they love themselves. You think these boys don't use me too? Use them back. Fuck 'em hard and walk away. Who cares? It's the slut motto. Hehehe!"

I mumbled, "I'm not a slut, AJ..."

He said, "Really? You keep believing that." Then he got another phone call and told me he had to go. But that last statement stuck with me for a long time afterward. I that what I'm turning into? AJ's wingman for other innocent boys to get their bodies used and their hearts broken? Will I be able to pretend that I don't care and that it's no big deal to screw strangers without emotional attachment? I that something that I really want to learn? Because it doesn't feel good to me at all...

Anyway...I'll deal with that when the time comes to make a decision. Maybe, just this one time, I should say no. I feel like I'm going down a very dark path right now. And it can be soooo seductive sometimes, even when I know it's wrong.

A strange thing happened in school today. I saw Joanna and Jamie cross sharing a brief kiss in the hall today. You have to kinda keep those kisses to a minimum, or teachers rush over and break it up as if it was a fight or something.

You know, I always look down at Jamie's crotch when he's kissing her. I'm always hoping that the intimate moment will give him a huge boner, and I can finally get a peek at what he's working with down there. Then again, I think Jamie Cross is used to holding and kissing girls by now. So he's not like me, where I get all excited and ready to burst the second someone brushes up against my elbow.

He's so cool.

I did come over to say hello. Just small talk really. Joanna kept her hand on his flat little stomach the entire time. Jamie still smiles at me. He still treats me the same as he did before. I still don't know if he's aware of the fact that I'm gay yet, but I'm starting to think that it doesn't matter anymore. He's too awesome to be a jerk. I realize that now.

The 'strange' thing that happened though? I was standing there with Jamie and Joanna in the hallway, talking and smiling and being friendly...

And Sam and his girlfriend, Michelle, just happened to come walking down the hall at that very moment. Now...I don't know why I got so paranoid about it, but considering what Sam just told me about his feelings for Joanna yesterday...I felt like a traitor, standing there in the hall and gabbing it up with them like old friends. I honestly felt as though I was stuck somewhere between both couples...and I didn't want to take sides. Especially when Sam kinda turned to go down a different hall after making eye contact with Joanna.

Then Sam kinda gave Jamie Cross a bit of a...hmmm...I don't know. A less than favorable look. Like a polite raise of his middle finger, but all done with his eyes alone. And in response, Jamie gave him a look that basically said the same. I don't think I've ever seen that before, but there it was. I guess lingering feelings die hard.

Nobody knows that better than me...

I saw Bobby Jinette briefly after gym class. Our classes have been split up recently, but I still catch sight of him in the locker room from time to time. We just can't speak as 'openly' as we would like to. Every word that you say seems to echo for days in that place. Anyway, when I asked him how his weekend know, not really letting on that I had talked to Ian beforehand...he just gave me the biggest smile imaginable. Then I aw his cheeks darkening with the CUTEST blush right in front of my eyes! OMIGOD! Ian did it, didn't he???

There were other boys in the locker room at the moment, so he couldn't give me too many details on what happened just yet...but Bobby leaned in really close to me, cupped his hand over my ear, and whispered, "I think I have a boyfriend now!" And he started giggling uncontrollably right afterward. I'm sure the shocked look on my face didn't help much. Hehehe!

I really REALLY wanted to talk to Bobby and find out how Ian broke the news to him! But I was spending time with Trace this afternoon instead. So I'll have to bridger BADGER one of them (or BOTH of them) tomorrow!


Sighhhh....there's something about Trace that leaves me breathless sometimes. But I can't really say that it's love. It's hard to explain. I mean...with Brandon, I knew a ton about him and I loved him for all his attributes as well as his flaws. It was unconditional. With Trace, it's a bit different. I think I fell in love with what I didn't know about him. So I guess it was more of a 'fascination' than an actual crush most of the time. Not ALL of the time, though. Because Trace was HOT! I just got more excited by getting glimpses into his life than by what I already knew about him for certain. If that makes any sense. Like I said...he fascinates me.

Turns out that Trace wanted to leave school and sneak back into his old house. Hehehe, and I didn't see how this was an adventure considering the other places that he's taken me in the past. But as soon as we went upstairs, and I heard Trace putting a few cubes of ice into to gslazes glasses....I knew what he was up to.

Now...I'm not big on drinking alcohol. But...I like kinda being in tune with Trace at all times. Which is weird. I can't really call it peer pressure, because Trace never forces me to drink anything. He doesn't tease me, he doesn't make me feel bad...i I say 'no', he won't even mention it again. But...I look into those big, pretty, eyes of his, and I see him relaxing with a drink, and I can't help but to want to be a part of that. I mean, Trace could shoot himself out of a cannon, and I'd want to be a part of that too. But...something about him is worth idolizing in my mind. Maybe that's weird. doesn't make it untrue though.

So Trace and I were sitting in his room, all alone, drinking whatever bitter liquor he added to my cola at the time, and we were both beginning to giggle more than usual. Meaning the alcohol was taking effect.

Trace was like, "God, I needed this. It's been weeks. Glad I could rely on my dad for something. And that's keeping full bottles in the house." He poured me some more, and my face started to feel frummy funny. My vision wasn't really blurry, but it wasn't really clear either. I probably should have had a snack. I hadn't eaten since lunch.

I saw Trace's eyes narrowing as he laid his head back a bit and spread his legs. I have to admit...I licked my lips as I thought of how awesome it would be to just slam my head down in his lap and give him the kind of hot and sultry blowjob that would make Sam proud! I'll admit, I stared at it. I wanted to rake my fingers up and down his naked thighs. I wanted to inhale that sweet, boyish, scent. I wanted to use my tongue to get Trace to make the kind of puppy dog whimpers that would embarrass him afterward. Hehehe! I felt myself getting hard, so I tried to only think about it in small doses. But as soon as the tingling went down, I was right back to imagining how hot it would be to have Trace on top of me, his tongue in my mouth, his hips thrusting up against me as I took those succulent globes in hand and squeezed their squishy softness until my fingers ached.

But again...that might have been the liquor thinking for me.

Trace smiled lazily at me, and he said, "Billy? Can I ask you something?"

I was SO hoping that it would be a sex question! Because I was so horny that I was seriously thinking about just rolling Trace over onto his stomach, ripping his pants off, and seeing just how hard I could thrust into him without his tightness providing too much resistance for me to fuck him like he needed it.

UGH! I'm starting to sound like AJ!

He was like, "Your know....he talks about you all the time. I mean, you know that right?" horny as I was, that kind of changed my focus. I was like, "He what?"

Trace said, "It's true. I mean...this is gonna sound whack, but...I'm kinda jealous, dude."

Trace??? Jealous of ME? What the...???

He said, "You know...the Summer is coming up so fast. And me and Mikey have been there for a few weeks...I just...I kinda don't want it to end, you know? That's why I was so down this weekend. I'm still trying to figure out if the courts are going to let me and Mikey live with my mom or my dad...and after spending time with your father...I mean...I'm starting to realize that I don't want me and Mikey to be with either one of them." Trace took another gulp of his drink, and he said, "I'd give this up, all the liquor in this house, if your dad would take me and my little brother with him. I just...I'm happy to have gotten a taste of what it feels like to be cared about. Really cared about. Mikey already thinks that we're just gonna live with your dad forever. He's....soooo happy. But maybe it's just not meant to be. What can I say? We're 'temporary'. I don't know why I got my hopes up to be anything more."

I don't know if it was my blurred vision, or if Trace was really teary eyed at that moment. I just know that I was being drawn in to that vulnerability all over again. And without thinking, I pulled him in for a shoulder hug. Then we pressed our cheeks together for a moment. Our lips soooooo close. It kinda took me out of the moment and reminded me how much I wanted him.

It was the first real connection that I had experienced with someone in the last few days. I was short of breath. Trying to contain my emotion in a way that wouldn't give my deepest desires away before their time. But...I found myself compelled to kiss Trace on the cheek. It was quick and it could be considered harmless, I guess. But he didn't protest. I mean...did he like it? Was he excited by it? Or was this a boy who had been on his own for so long that he enjoyed a moment of warmth between a close friend who allowed him to be this way?

I rubbed Trace's shoulder, and I kissed the temple on his forehead. Affectionate, but not TOO obvious. At least I hoped not. Was it the alcohol making me this bold? I couldn't tell. I was a bit light headed at the time. But I kept giving little touches and caresses and squeezes, hoping that it would inspire Trace to take the initiative and give something back. Some kind of signal that let me know that this was ok. That he wanted it. Or that...maybe he wanted even more.

But for the two or three hours that I spent there with never went any further than that. Even with me trying to nudge him in the right direction. God...I was sooooo HARD!!! I just wanted Trace to put his hand on my thigh, or raise his head up to kiss me tenderly on the lips, or...or...ARRRGH!!! Not even TIPSY can I stop my worried thoughts long enough to just go for it! If only Trace could be as easy as Robin was. If only he made it that easy for me instead of making me work for it like this.

Anyway...I had a good time, and I'm a little sleepy from having some liquid goodies poured down my throat. So I can't really say that today was a bust. I just...I wish it had gone further. I wish I was one of those guys who just says, 'Get naked!' and it happens. Maybe I could learn from AJ after all. He would have sealed the deal today if he had been there. He would have been fucking Trace on his bedroom floor and had him calling out AJ's name with every breathless whisper. Pounding that cute little butt of his. Pulling his hair as he slid in and out of that hot hole of his. And me? I just think too much. Sluts don't have to think. They just do what they do, and nobody cares.

Yeah...I'm just gonna stop thinking about it now.

Trace is my friend. There will be other chances. For now, I just want to stop drooling over him long enough to figure out if...maybe he could be my second chance at happiness. Maybe...Brandon's not the end, you know? I just want to explore this opportunity a bit more before I risk getting rejected. It won't be long. I just wanna be sure. That's all.

Give me a break. My feelings are FRAGILE! Can I this on my own? Please? If I get hurt, nobody else has to deal with it but me. So don't pretend that this is easy. It's NOT. Robin is easy, because I don't give a shit. With Trace...I have some real emotion invested here. This matters. It's more than a weekend fuck for me, so...I hope I'm not coming off as whiney when it takes me a while to build up the courage to do this right.

I've gotta run. It's late. And I'm still a bit dizzy. Sneaking in and gobbling down some dinner helped to hide my state of mind. I'm glad my mom made something with garlic to hide the liquor on my breath. She was really tired today. So she just left everything on the stove for me and went to take a nap for a while. Score a lucky break for Billy Chase. But yeah....I'm gonna lay down for a bit.

Seeya soon. Laters.

- Billy