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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And David Mazouz will let you experience the TRUE meaning of 'Touch'!!! ::Nods::*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- Um...wow....so I got invited to a party this weekend! Is that crazy, or what? I mean, for a froshman in high school...that's kind of a rare thing. Isn't it? Well, I mean for a party not being thrown by a personal friend of mine or something. Sure you have your friends from Junior High who still invite you over to play video games or have a sleepover or something...but this is like a real party party. Hehehe, it's not even anybody's birthday. They're just throwing it to throw it. It made me feel kinda special. I don't know why, I just thought it was cool. It shouldn't seem all that strange, but it does. Maybe it was because of the person who was doing the inviting.
It all started just because I was passing Joanna's locker as she was getting ready for her next class. Obviously, Jamie Cross was standing right there at her side and I couldn't help but to stare. I don't know what it is about that boy that radiates from every pore on his delicious body...but I cannot pass him in the hallway and not find myself drooling all over my sneakers. He has a physical effect on me. I'm talking literal salivation, here. I don't even think it's 'love' really. It's just, like, this allergic reaction to a beauty that I can't ever understand or get a hold of. Is it weird that I just want to reach out and touch his face sometimes? Just...glide the back of my hand across his cheek...and down the side of his neck. That's all I want. Hehehe, ok, that's creepy. That sounds like the kind of excerpt that an attorney would read out of this book at my 'creepy stalker' hearing. Boys just shouldn't have faces that beautiful, That's all I'm saying. It's just too much for us normal folk to handle.
Anyway, he spoke to me. He always does. Still not used to that, to be honest.
Both of them were up for some brief chit chat, and I was only like a one minute walk away from my next class, so I stuck around.
Why were they being so friendly to me? Well, they've always been friendly, but...I don't know. Jamie just seems so much more...welcoming to me these days. I don't know why.
At one point, he kissed Joanna on the cheek, and he said that he was going to run to the bathroom for a second and that he'd be right back. Which...um....you know, immediately put visions in my mind of Jamie being all...'exposed' in there. Hehehe! God, I was so tempted to follow him in there! I remember the first time that I got a peek at Lee's penis for the first time, and I nearly fainted over how sexy it was. I imagine Jamie Cross would have him beat. I don't know for sure, but...you know...hehehe, I imagine.
I suddenly felt a harsh pinch on the back of my arm, just above the elbow, and I jumped back from the pain of it. I was like, "Jesus! What the hell???"
Joanna grinned at me, and said, "Don't perv on my boyfriend, Billy!" She said that a LOT louder than I wish she had. Geez! There are PEOPLE out here who can hear us! Hello?
I was like, "I wasn't!"
But she said, "You totally were! Hahaha! MINE! So don't even think about it!"
I know she was kidding. But...I was a little jealous. Just a little bit. I mean...sighhh...it's just not fair that boys like Jamie are only available to this exclusive club called 'The Womanhood Cafe'. You know? Just sucks. Because I would be SO good to that boy if I given the chance! Hehehe! I'd rock his world. Seriously. He's missing out.
And so am I.
Hehehe, he's sooooo fucking...'pretty'!!!!
Kinda like...well, kinda like...'You know who'. But let's not think about him right now.
I can do without that.
A thought entered my mind, and I was compelled to ask, "About Jamie...um...does he...I mean...did you tell him? About me, that is?"
Joanna was like, "Are you kidding? You practically threatened to KILL me if I told."
I said, "I know...but...I mean, you didn't, right?"
With a sigh, she said, "I didn't tell Jamie anything that you didn't say to him yourself. Ok? I promise. I wouldn't do that."
I thought about it for a second, and I said, "Yeah, but....do you think...like...like maybe....?
She's like, "Billy....he's not going to care one way or the other. Jamie is really cool with this kind of thing. He already likes you for who you are. This is sooooo insignificant in comparison to what he already loves about you. I mean, you saw how he was with Jimmy LaPlane, right? And how he reacted to Stevie's announcement during assembly? You can tell him, Billy. You can. And I promise you, it'll be ok. Just take a deep breath and say something the next time you get an opportunity. I know Jamie, and he'll respect that. It's going to be a lot easier than you're making it out to be in your head. He might be actually waiting to hear from you."
That's what she said to me....but...it bothered me anyway. I don't know what it was that was scaring me so much, so I couldn't really find any valid points in my arsenal of excuses to argue with...but when life seems somewhat stable...you have this need to keep from disrupting it with something as tiny as....changing the way that EVERY single person in your whole life looks at you on a daily basis from now until FOREVER!!! Yeah...maybe that seems like a little thing to some people. But not to me.
Whether that's right or wrong isn't the issue. It's about how I feel. And right now...all I feel is fear and risk and the possibility of losing my reality to something that supposedly 'doesn't matter' to the people who hear it.
I just wish I could take this terror filled emotion out of my chest and and put it into her head, so she could feel what I feel, for just a few minutes. Maybe then, she'd understand. Maybe the whole world would too.
Luckily, Jamie came back from the bathroom faster than expected, and I was thankful for the interruption. His ice blue eyes met mine, and I started trembling like I always do. I just hope that I hadn't unintentionally pushed Joanna into saying something to further clue him in on my sexuality. Much like Sam...I just get weird when I think about telling him for sure. Because he's so...friggin' HOT! If I tell him...he's gonna think that I'm trying to get in his pants. Which...you know...I AM! But I don't want him to know that. Why does this whole stream of consciousness sound so familiar?
Anyway, at one point, Jamie actually says to me, "Hey, me and Joanna are going out to a party this weekend. It's gonna be pretty cool. Why don't you come out and have some fun with us? What are you up to on Saturday?"
So yeah...nearly had a major heart attack over that one. Jamie cross was...he was asking me out to a party. In front of his girlfriend, no less. Ok. Right. Can I get some oxygen please? Nurse? NURSE?????
I'm like..."What...um...what kind of party?"
Jamie was like, "Juniors and seniors mostly. But it's cool. You'll be with us. They'll be totally cool with it. It'll be fun. Come on. I'll vouch for ya, man. You know that." He smiled at me. He's going to vouch for me. Wow. He says, "You don't hang out with us enough. No reason for you to miss out on a good time, right?"
Was he serious? I mean...does Jamie have ANY idea what kind of celebrity status he has in my collection of personal fantasies? This isn't supposed to happen. Not at all. It was CRAZY!!!
Joanna gave me a wink and a smile, and I think I accepted out of pure panic alone. I was like, stuttering, like, "Well...I'm not doing anything this weekend. I mean...I don't have any plans. I don't think. So I guess...I think I might just...umm...heh...well, yeah. Ok." I didn't know what I was saying, but Jamie was happy to have me say yes. The next thing I knew, he was hugging me! GOD, he smelled good! My nose pressed against his chest and the fabric of his shirt. I could get sooooo HARD off of a smell like that alone! I could actually feel myself getting swelling down there and had to step back before I started humping the poor boy's leg. I guess I was just lost in the moment.
Mmmmmm...Jamie Cross hugs are the best....
What that boy does to me.....it's criminal...
So, I guess I'm going to a party on Saturday night. I have NO idea what I'm in for, but...you know...I'll just wing it like I always do. I think I'll do the smart thing and tell my mom ahead of time. No screwing this up with secrets and lies. But I'm making my confession right now...if she doesn't let me go, I will be knocking her unconscious with my little league bat so I can sneak out and go anyway. So that mindless attack is based solely on her response. I still don't know if Jamie knows about me being gay or not, but I'm hoping to hold off on that. Just for a little bit longer.
There was this one thing that really threw me off though. Just before splitting up, Jamie was like, "Cool! Well, I guess we'll see ya Saturday! Bring a date!" Which...um...I guess is an innocent statement. But it made me wonder...if he says 'bring a date'...is he expecting me to show up with a girl...or a boy? That threw me for a loop. I'll have to think about this before I screw it up somehow.
Great. Like I needed something else to worry about...
That wasn't the only weird thing that happened to me today.
Jimmy and I did keep our little lunch date with each other today. It was a promise to be kept. Just so we could sort of put a healing salve on the tremendous shock of our little unexpected rendezvous yesterday. I'm glad that he didn't chicken out though. And I'm sure he felt the same way about me. I could read it in his smile.
We both went out to sit in a little spot by the fence where we could sort of be alone and talk without the noise and without the gossiping eavesdroppers constantly walking by. Some place comfortable.
Lunch wasn't anywhere near as awkward as I thought it would be. Which I guess was the whole point, right?
Just a sandwich and some light conversation with a good friend...
Well, that's how it started out, anyway.
I do remember Stevie coming up at some point. I think Jimmy had also noticed how utterly absent he has been from the natural order of things lately as well. I didn't want to really spill too much, but I did tell him, "Well, you heard about the bastards that hurt him in the first place, didn't you?"
Jimmy was like, "No. What happened?"
I said, "They're totally getting away with it! Some bullshit about Stevie not really being able to prove that he was being bullied at the time that it happened." Jimmy didn't get that at all. But neither did I. I told him, "I guess, if he had gone on stage and his assembly about being gay before they put him in the hospital...then it could have been tried as a hate crime. But Stevie was in the closet at the time. So...I dunno...I guess they're making it look like he should have come out publicly before being beat up for it."
Jimmy seemed so disgusted. He said, "What the hell is WRONG with people??? Why can't they just leave people alone? Why?"
I wasn't really thinking about it at the time, but I said, "I don't know. Maybe Stevie should have said something earlier. Then he wouldn't be in this trouble."
I'm kinda glad that Jimmy gave me a bit of a shove for that. He was like, "Coming out is easy for some people. Harder for others. For some people it's nearly impossible. And for others, no matter HOW scary it is...it's just something that they feel they need to do. It's different for everybody." Then Jimmy said, "It's just as wrong to bully someone to come out of the closet as it is to bully them to stay in there. It's a personal choice. Stevie came out when he thought the time was right." Jimmy showed me the scar on his wrists, and he said, "So did I...." He's like, "Sometimes it takes a little, sometimes it takes a lot. You just have to respect the heart of the person going through it. You know?"
Another one of those moments where I just loved being able to talk so candidly to Jimmy like this. I mean, wasn't I JUST worrying about Jamie Cross knowing about me earlier in the day? It made a lot of sense.
I said, "I just wish that I could DO something. This is so unfair! Stevie said they might be back in school as early as tomorrow. So he's got to spend the last few weeks of his froshman year ducking behind corners and hiding in bathrooms, just because of them?"
Jimmy was like, "You know what? We could always go to the Principal's office and file a complaint about it, before it gets out of hand. I mean, he did say that bullying wasn't going to be tolerated, right? We wouldn't be making trouble. We'd just be forcing him to live up to his word."
I said, "But will it do any good? That's the question. Because all they can really do is call the parents or suspend them for a few days. What good does it do? Their hands are tied. And, obviously, NO parent is going to willingly admit that their little boy is the school's number one asshole. Why would they listen to just you and me?"
Jimmy said, "Yeah. I know what you mean." But he was only pondering things for another second or two to say, "Well...if you and I aren't enough, then we'll just have to start gaining recruits. Right? Let's expose the bullies for who they are. To everybody. As many people as we can get to listen to us. Let's put the word out there that if someone makes it a point to bully someone or hate them for who they are or what they like, that they are officially making the whole school a bad place for everybody, and the other students should reject them for that."
Brightening up a bit, I said, "Hey! You might be on to something there. Let's bring the assholes into the light and make their behavior as offensive and inappropriate for everyone else as it is for us. Let the whole student body decide if they want this garbage to go on..."
Jimmy said, "We could get people to sign a petition..."
I added, "...Take it right to the Principal's office! Make him see that this should be a safe place for all of us to express ourselves freely without being attacked, and maybe get the bullies off of Stevie's back once and for all."
Jimmy said, "I'll definitely walk into that office with you and make this happen. I've got your back, dude. Let's do it!"
I smiled at him, and I said, "I'll totally get started on this tonight!"
Jimmy was smiling...but it changed slightly when he looked me in the eye again. I can't explain what it was that suddenly changed my feeling about the overall mood surrounding us...but it felt...ummm....I don't know. Can't really describe it.
Jimmy looked down at his shoes for a moment, and I think he blushed a little bit, but it was too subtle to tell. He says, "It's a really cool idea, Billy."
I said, "Well, it's your idea, really."
He's like, "Yeah, but...not many boys would be so Gung Ho about it. Not like you are." There was a moment of silence. Slightly uncomfortable, but I didn't know it at the time. Jimmy said, "For a moment, I forgot how special you are, Billy."
Flattered, I giggled and said, "No, I'm really not. I fuck things up more often than not. Believe me."
Jimmy's like, "Maybe. But, jut like I told you before...even when you mess up...you're always trying to do the right thing. Even when you're being selfish. Hehehe! I think...the effort to be your best is more important than pretending that you're perfect. Nobody's perfect." He said. "I guess I just appreciate you making the effort to come as close as possible. 'More often than not'."
Our lunch period ended shortly after that, but it put a few thoughts in my head. And I just...I wished that I had been a better friend to Jimmy when he needed it most in the past. To a few other people too. Because....even though I do try to do the right thing...there have been a ton of times when I did things that just 'felt good', or served as some kind of temporary relief for a much deeper problem. And I regret it. I'm glad that I learned a few lessons here and there, but that doesn't mean the rest of my life is going to be error free.
I don't know if that's as frightening as it sounds or not.
Is it weird that I have this weird, sugary sweet, feeling in my gut over Jimmy LaPlane tonight? Something lingered after our lunch today. And we didn't even mention the AJ situation. Not once. There were a few awkward moments where we didn't know what to say to one another...but they were easily managed. Nothing too bad. Still...when Jimmy and I looked at one another, we knew that there was this tense, unspoken, 'thing' that was lingering between us. It wasn't an infatuation. At least...I don't think it was. But...I don't know. We made a good team on the Stevie situation, I think. Maybe that's all it was.
I still consider Sam my best friend over every other person on the planet! Always will. But...when it came to...well....'gay' stuff...Jimmy ha an angle that Sam would never understand. Maybe that's why our connection at lunch felt so right. You know?
Anyway, I looked up a bunch of petitions online tonight, to get a feel of how they're put together, and how people get them signed. I won't have it finished by tomorrow, but definitely by Monday! I know that finals are coming up, and the school year is almost over....but if we can do one bit of good before everyone goes their separate ways for the Summer...it'll be worth it. Stevie should be able to walk the halls without being jumped on for being different. And I'm going to make sure that it happens.
It's cool to have Jimmy on my side....
Ok, gotta run. I'll write more soon. I think I've got to find myself something awesome to wear for Saturday night! And THIS time...I'm keeping my alcohol intake to a bare minimum! If, for some reason, I end up half passed out on somebody's bed...and I get kissed by another boy...I'm going to be awake long enough to enjoy it! Believe that! :P