- Sam ditched school today. No word at all. Not to me, not to anybody. He just left. Strange enough, I felt bad about missing my chance to at least 'soften' the blow that I had dealt him during our argument on Wednesday. If he hadn't PERSUED the issue so damn hard, I might have left the whole thing alone! But....I guess that's beside the point, isn't it? Maybe I was a bit too hard on him. Sighhh...and, the weirdest part of it all is that he ditched 'alone'. I think this marks the first time he's ever cut school without me. It's just not Sam's thing, you know? He used to always say, "It's no use ditching school if my best bud isn't right there beside me! You KNOW it's not a party without ya, Billy!" In fact, there were times when he literally BEGGED me to cut out with him. And if I didn't, he'd stay in school for the rest of the day and suffer with me. You know...things were so....'simple' between us before high school. I mean, from kindergarten to 8th grade, we were inseparable in EVERY possible way! It was just Sam and me against the whole fucking WORLD back then. It was GREAT!
But....now? I don't know. The tiny things piss me off, the tiny things piss HIM off, and we've gotten completely out of sync with one other. We're just stuck in this indefinable mess all of the sudden, driven by one unfamiliar moment after another. And the only way out seems to be by stepping on each other's fingers and toes as often as possible. I just don't get it. When did our friendship get to be so....'clumsy'?
Anyway, I guess we're still not on speaking terms since he didn't show up today. Not even to curse me out or slug me in the gut. So the drama continues for yet another day. I really do just want to apologize and get it over with. I know that I was being kinda harsh. I can admit that. I mean...I practically 'blamed' him for Jimmy's suicide attempt! That's not cool at all. I just want things to be ok for once. Not just with Sam...but with my whole damn LIFE! It seems like every time one thing is going good for me, I've got to rush over and stop some other part of my life from collapsing entirely into some fucked tragedy. And by the time I get THAT straightened out...I'm running off to the OTHER side to balance that out again too! Sometimes I just....I want it to stop. You know? I wanna stop running. I wanna be happy and not have to look for that little detail that I've overlooked. That one detail that's going to send my whole parade marching off a cliff and into the fucking river, never to be seen again. The harder I try, the more I fail. And sometimes..I just don't want to try anymore. Sigh...whaever. Maybe I'm just being selfish...wanting my life to be...'ok'.
Speaking of things going wrong...I tried to keep my word and go visit Jimmy in the hospital today. But I couldn't get in. They wouldn't let me. I guess I need permission to see him, and even then only family or a parental guardian can get through. At least for now. I tried to argue a bit, but I'm 14. What kind of debate can I really have with the adults who work at the front desk? Especially with me knowing so little about what actually happened in the firs place. I didn't have any other choice, I had to turn around and go home.
This sucks. I just wanted to see him, and talk to him, and make sure he was ok. It's not like I was some Mob hitman with black gloves, sneaking in to keep him from 'snitching' on my boys. I'm his FRIEND for God's sake! Probably one of the only few he's got that would go out of their way to come and visit him like this. Then again, the nurse at the desk was a total bitch. Not to mention that she seemed 'busy' with other stuff to really help me. She barely even looked me in the eye the entire time we were 'talking'. So my presence didn't really seem to concern her at the moment. I'll try to go back again on Sunday. Maybe SHE won't be there, and I can talk to someone with a little more compassion for a teenager in need of some serious attention. Bitch! I should have spit in her fucking coffee before I left. She was probably too preoccupied to notice anyway!
I WILL say one good thing about this somewhat miserable day though..Brandon was being exceptionally cute when I saw him today. He wasn't really doing anything in particular...I just got absorbed in his smile for a while. He was eating gummy bears in the hallway for a snack...and his breath was sooooo sweet. I wanted to kiss him SO badly! I just knew his tongue would taste like candy! Hehehe! God...you know...sometimes I think he's 'really' special. Like...amazing. BEYOND amazing! Whenever he decides to fall in love with someone...it's gonna be the greatest, most sexually satisfying, love of all time. I can just tell.
If only it could be me reaping the benefits of it.
We laugh a lot more together now than we used to. Ever since we talked on the phone, thing have been more comfortable between us. He's shy in the most adorable ways, and you never know when he's gonna start blushing and won't be able to talk for a few moments while he tries to fight it off. Hehehe, it makes me smile just writing that. He's the coolest, you know? I also told him that I was fighting with Sam, but I felt kinda bad about it because it was my fault. He was certainly sorry to hear it, but he almost sounded happy to hear the news for some reason. We only talked about it for a few minutes. I guess he didn't really want to get directly involved. For some reason, he's really scared of standing 'between me and Sam', as he usually phrases it. I still don't understand why that's such an issue with him though. He has his weird moments, but that's the only hang up of his that I just can't seem to figure out. Whatever. Doesn't stop him from being adorable.
It's early, and it's Friday, but I've gotta find something to do with the rest of my night. I don't really feel like going out anywhere, but I'll entertain myself somehow. ::Wink, Wink:: I'm such a pervert! Hehehe!
- I should have probably gone to the mall with Joanna today, if for no other reason than to see AJ in all his sexified glory. But I didn't. She called this morning though, and we talked for a bit. For some odd reason, she thinks she's fat. Psh! Ok...I may be gay...but I KNOW 'gorgeous' when I see 'gorgeous', even on a girl. And Joanna...? She's gorgeous! And I told her so, in all honesty. She was happy that I noticed, and it made me remember how I felt when I heard she was 'hot for my body'. Hahaha! That seems like it was so long ago now. I was such a dork! Running around scared, trying to avoid her in the halls. Geez! I'm glad I'm a little bit 'past' that craziness now.
You know, since she's been so overly 'friendly' these days...I've really thought about...well...YOU know...going all the way with her. Like..what would happen, you know? I mean...my body is DEFINITELY interested! Then again, right now my body would go wild just humping a TEDDY BEAR if I didn't have this paralyzing fear that someone would catch me doing it! On CAMERA, no less, with my luck! But seriously, she's hot. And she kisses me all the time. And hugs herself up against me. My hormones can only take so much 'stimulation'! I didn't think I'd ever find breasts attractive until she pushed them up against me. Now I feel like I wanna hold and squeeze them all the time. Rub my FACE in them, even! It's a strange feeling, to take all this time coming to terms with the fact that you like boys...and suddenly having to face the fact that you're more heterosexual than you previously thought you were. Is that..like...my 'programming' or something? Maybe TV and magazines and the media are forcing me to think this way. Well, if they are, it sure doesn't feel like it. It feels as real as it does when I'm drooling over Simon (Or should I say...when I USED to drool over Simon!), or when I'm mentally licking and sucking every delectable inch of Jamie Cross' slim trim body.
(Takes a 'Jamie' moment to fantasize. Sighhhh....)
Anyway, I LIKE Joanna, you know? And if I thought I'd be any good at figuring out the mysterious workings of the female body in a way that would make her feel good...I might just jump on that opportunity. Wow...I think this is the most 'abnormally normal' entry I've ever written here. And yet it's supposedly describing the accepted nature of things. Wild. I should stop though. I'm gonna go and get myself all horned up and have to stop writing before I finish.
Anyway, the MAIN reason that I didn't wanna go was because Joanna wanted to invite Sam to go along too. She had his phone number already, and wanted to know if it was ok if he came with us. I can't see why the heck she would need MY permission...but I'm glad she asked. Because Sam and I hadn't necessarily talked things out yet, and I didn't want to do it in front of everybody at the mall. I didn't want us walking on separate sides of the hallway, silently spitting daggers at each other, either. So I politely turned her down. I'll be sure to call AJ tomorrow though and tell him what happened. It's been a few days right? I can call him again and not seem too desperate. I can't wait to talk to him again. It's gonna be awesome.
I went out briefly today to grab some junk food from the convenience store down the block. My mom was cooking 'good food' for dinner tonight. Stuff with sauces and gravy and vegetables....and parts of a dead animal that are actually 'healthy' for human consumption. Blecchhhh!!! Some days, you just want junk food, you know? It's Saturday! What happened to ordering that pizza that comes with the garlic butter dip for the crust? It's SO much easier.
Anyway, it seems that my parents were getting into another stupid argument. About what? I'll never know. But whatever it was, it stopped once I opened the back door. They let it drop. As though they were actually 'hiding' it from me. Psh! Whatever. I'm done trying to understand them as far as this shit goes. As long as they are being civil...even if it's only for my benefit...I guess that things are gonna be ok. Now all I have to do is find a way to stick around and 'chaperone' them 24 hours a day!
I'm gone. Adios, my little book of secrets. Thanks for keeping me sane. It really helps to write these things out sometimes!
- Well, I did it! I FINALLY got in to see Jimmy LaPlane at the hospital today. It wasn't easy, but luckily his mom was there this time while I was trying to convince the same nurse to let me in. I don't think that bitch ever goes ANYWHERE, she must work every damn day. And why not? She's so damn butt ugly, what else would she have anything else to do with her life! I'm gonna draw an ugly picture of her on the opposite page, JUST so I can remember what she looked like saying 'NO'! I'm sure I'll laugh about it later.
Anyway, I'm like, "Look, just tell him I'm here! My name is Billy. Billy Chase. Just go in there and tell him who I am. He'll wanna see me, I promise you! Just ASK him!" Well, Jimmy's mom was in the hallway and evidently recognized my name as I struggled to get past old 'Cerebrus' there, and she walked over to tell the nurse that it was ok if I visited for a few moments. I had never actually seen his mom before, not in person. I had seen a few pictures of her at Jimmy's house, but that was all. She looked....'different' in person. Her eyes were almost black, with dark rings underneath. She looked as though she had been crying a lot, and I guess that makes sense. Jimmy was her son after all. I kept my eyes down at her shoes as she talked to me. I felt...I dunno...kind of ashamed. As though I had done her a great injustice by letting her little boy go through so much pain all alone. Even though she worked hard to try to work up a smile for me, I couldn't bear to see the unbelievable pain in her eyes. The initial look was already going to haunt me for days to come.
She seemed sweet enough, and sniffled a lot while she tried not to cry. She told me that Jimmy had spoken of me a dozen times before, and that he really needed to see a friendly face his own age right now. She led me down the hall to his room and opened the door. "Jimmy...there's someone here to see you." I walked in behind her. That first moment, when I peeked out from behind that door and saw the look on Jimmy's face, I thought that maybe I had made a terrible mistake going there. At first, his eyes widened, as if in great shock. Then...they instantly directed their gaze down to the hospital floor. Then....he turned his head completely away from me towards the wall, as if he was trying to crawl into a shell and hide from me completely. I didn't....I mean...I didn't mean to embarass him or anything. REALLY, I didn't. I just...I wanted to see him, you know? I cringed a little bit at his silent reaction to my presence in the room. And when I looked down at his arms, his wrists heavily bandaged in thick white wrappings, still a little stained with blood, I found myself terrified to even be around him. If it wasn't for his mom's hand laying gently on my shoulder, quietly encouraging me to move forward...I would have run out of that room instantly, and wouldn't have come back until I knew for a fact that he was all better. But I couldn't pull away from her hand. As gentle as it was, I just couldn't pull away. I think I stayed for her more than I did for myself. I guess Jimmy didn't have many 'friends' to come visit him in this place. How could I just leave and become a part of that...that....'absence'?
"I'll leave you boys alone. Ok?" His mom said. "You can stay as long as you want, Billy." I hadn't planned for more than a few minutes. Now reduced to a few seconds, tops, after seeing him like this. But...I guess I could try to stretch this out for a little bit. Just to say that I came by, you know? When she left the room and I heard the door close, Jimmy and I didn't even look at each other, much less speak. Those first few moments were more awkward than anything I've ever experienced before. I didn't know if I should...like...'talk' about what happened..or....maybe I should pretend that nothing happened at all and talk to him like I always did. But...if I ignored it, wouldn't that be insulting? I mean, he IS laying here with bandages on his wrists!It's kinda hard to play around like nothing happened. Who knows what to do in a situation like that? Luckily for me...he spoke first.
"I'm sorry, Billy." That was all he said. And he was looking the other way when he said it. He was soooo hurt. I could see the rise and fall of his chest speed up as he tried hard not to cry in front of me. His voice was barely above a whisper, and he couldn't bare to look me in the eye. He had turned his head as far away from me as the hospital bed would allow. It looked downright uncomfortable, to be honest.
"Um....it's...it's ok, Jimmy." Was all I could think to say. I've never exactly been in this position before. I was just so scared of saying the wrong thing that my 'mental filter' pretty much rejected 90% of everything that I could think of to say before it actually came out of my mouth. Another long pause rose up between us, and I saw a single heartbreaking tear run down his cheek. And I felt myself move closer to him. It was then that the filter came down. "I...I should've been there." My mouth moved without my knowledge, and the words seemed to leave without any conscious command from the rest of me.
It was the first time he looked at me since I had gotten there, and more painful tears slid down his cheeks. He looked so hurt...I was screwing up! I must have done something wrong. I thought that I must have been making him feel even worse. Then, he said..."You were there, Billy. You were just....the 'only' one." And he said, "It's not your fault, ok?" I stepped closer to the bed, but he seemed to tense up, and I saw him hide his bandages under the blanket. I walked up to stand right next to him at the side of his bed, and he closed his eyes. I think he was really ashamed by me seeing him like this. I felt so confused. What do I do? You know?
"Why'd you do it?" Again...I asked without thinking. Without any control of my thoughts. But something inside of me just...needed to know. I regretted it instantly. "I'm sorry, Jimmy. That was a stupid question. I...I shouldn't even BE here, right now...I just..."
"It's ok." He said, and I saw the weakest smile cross his lips. It was almost nonexistent, but visible nonetheless. It almost looked like it hurt him to do it, but it was genuine. "I left a note...." He said, and his voice got choked up in his throat as more tears rained down from his eyes. There was a long silence while he tried to get his composure back. It didn't quite work though. "My mom knows about me now." He sobbed. Then he asked, "Does anyone at school know?" I didn't know if I should lie to him or not. It wasn't going to be easy to take, but he was going to find out eventually...so I slowly nodded my head to confirm it. He cried even more, and I put my hand on his shoulder in some awkward attempt to comfort him Then he just says..."I just....I just don't wanna be here anymore, Billy. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. It hurts soooooo much...I just wanted to disappear. I just can't stand this agony anymore....it never stops...never..." I remember wondering if I should stay there, or if I should get his mom or a nurse or something. But as he reached up his hand from under the sheets to grasp mine tightly, I knew that I should stay a while longer. "I'm so alone...." He started, and that began a long discussion that I can't even begin to describe or even reproduce here in this book. It was just...amazing. You know?
I was there for maybe a half hour, and that was it. I didn't know what to say. Not while he was crying like that. In the long run, I guess he was glad I was there. I just wish it wasn't so hard for him. I mean, I wanted so badly to just take the pain away, you know? To just...make people treat him better, or see him as someone special, or just...force the rest of the world to be less selfish and give a damn. But I couldn't. And seeing him there like that...I was even more hurt than he was that I couldn't protect him. The bad times were going to be waiting for him when he finally got out of this place, and the only thing that I could do was try to be there when he needed a shoulder to cry on. Somehow, that doesn't seem like enough.
So...that was my day, pretty much. Everything else seems like a trivial detail in comparison. He thanked me for being there. He said he didn't expect me to visit, but he was glad I did. It sounds awful, but to be honest, I was happy to leave. I think I was really freaked out about it all. But that one visit didn't solve anything. It didn't explain anything. It didn't even help to ease my mind, because I STILL didn't know whether or not Jimmy was going to be alright. Maybe I'll never know. Or....
Maybe I'll find out when I go back...again.
G'night. I'll write more later.