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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And I'll set you up to play naked Twister with Joel Courtney until one of you gets all sticky and goes to sleep!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- Trace looked like shit when he came to school today! Hahaha! I mean, he had sobered up quite a bit after his little binging incident yesterday, but he looked so tired and run down that I half expected him to doze off on me in mid sentence. Cover or no cover, I'm sure my dad knew exactly what was going on. I'll just assume that it was a lesson learned. One that he won't be forgetting any time soon.
Then again, we are talking about Trace here. He might go back for a few sips as early as next weekend. Go figure.
I'm just glad that, for once, Trace's impeccable influence didn't get me to follow along this time.
Speaking of Trace's 'influence'...
I had an interesting talk with Simon between classes this morning. I knew that he had been pretty much a ghost around school lately, but the way he was stressing himself out and pushing himself so hard for finals next week...I just kinda figured that he was sitting in a dark closet somewhere, hunched over a stack of textbooks and drinking coffee while studying by flashlight.
I couldn't have been more WRONG...
Simon didn't even look the same when I saw him. He looked...'relaxed'. And I think he let his hair get a little bit longer than normal, which was kinda cute if you ask me. When I said hello, he gave me this really casual smile, like, "S'up, Billy?" It made me look at him weird for a moment. I almost didn't recognize the lazy tone of his voice. I talked to him for a few seconds, and do you know what he SAID to me? He's like, "So, I don't know if you know, but me and Melissa broke up last week."
I was totally floored by that! I'm like, "WHAT?!?! Aww dude, I'm so sorry!"
And Simon just grins, like, "Nah, don't sweat it. It's cool. I just...let her go, you know?"
That didn't compute at all. I was like, "You dumped her?" Simon? Mr. First Girlfriend? The guy who was practically shaking himself to pieces the first time he got to make out with an actual female at my party?
He's like, "Yep. Things were getting tense, dude. She kept wanting more quality time, and she wanted me to call her more, and take her out...it just got to be really high maintenance. And I just decided that I'm not gonna do that anymore. So...that was that. End of story."
Still confused, I told him, "Simon...you can't just dump your girlfriend for wanting to spend time with you. What are you talking about? What did you do?"
He tells me, "I got FREE, is what I did." He smiles at me and he's like, "I know that this is going to sound so strange, Billy...but I feel lighter than air these days, I swear!" Simon got this really euphoric look in his eyes, and he says, "Ever since that night you and Trace took me to that aquarium...I don't know...I just...I learned to let go, you know? You were totally right that night. I needed a break. I was burning myself out, BIG time. So, I took your advice."
I'm like, "WHAT advice???"
And he says, "You said that I should chill out. Be social. You guys said that it would be fun and it WAS! And I just started thinking...I mean, I do stuff to make my teachers happy, stuff to make my parents happy, stuff to make my friends happy...and it was keeping me SO busy that I didn't have five minutes to make myself happy. Like, ever. You guys made me realize that. I was....floating. You know? It just...it felt so GOOD to not have to answer to anybody. To not have this intense PRESSURE on my shoulders all the time. I could sleep. I could watch TV. I have a video game system that I barely even play because I'm soooo busy worried about how much people are going to be disappointed in me if I don't come home with all 'A's', ALL the time! Anything less than perfect wasn't allowed. And my mom and dad...they would really hurt me sometimes if I ever fell short of a miracle. Even when I had my own things going on in my head. You and Trace...you guys taught me that, every ONCE in a while...the world can wait. And that really gave me time to...I dunno...heal, or whatever. You were right. I needed that."
I was like, "STOP saying that! Simon...dude...I never wanted you to abandon your studies and give up on your future! Finals are starting on MONDAY!!! You've got to focus..."
Simon was like, "It'll be fine. Really. I just needed time to discover myself and stop living up to everybody else's expectations. You were right. Sometimes, MY life matters too."
I said, "STOP SAYING THAT!!!!" I was really getting worried, even more than before. And I said, "Simon, we just wanted you to take a night or two off! That's all. We didn't mean for things to go this far..."
But he's like, "Honestly, I don't regret a minute of the last two or three weeks. Not one. I LOVE being able to live my life without being so handcuffed to my studies. I'm not even worried about it, to be honest. I'm sure I'll do fine. There's more to life than grades on a piece of paper. SO much more!"
I was like, "Yeah...like your girlfriend!"
But Simon said, "Again...it was more about what SHE wanted, not what I wanted. It was just me working my ass off to please her while sacrificing everything that made my life fun in the first place. I mean...I wanted her to share that with me, but...I don't know. Maybe she wasn't the one, after all." You have no idea how much it hurt me to hear him say that. Simon said, "I just want to take some time to be me. I think I need it. I talked to Trace about it, and he thinks it's a good idea too."
I'm like, "You talked to Trace???"
Simon said, "Yeah. He was cool with it. He totally understood me wanting to get some space from things. We even traded phone numbers so we could hang out this Summer some time. I think he's good for me." Really??? Is he being serious right now? Trace was falling down DRUNK yesterday in the middle of the day! And Simon idolizes him now?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not badmouthing Trace. Not at all. I LOVE Trace. It's just...for Simon, this was SO damn weird! I didn't know what to say! I feel like I really 'broke' something in him that was pushing him to be the best person that he could be. I didn't want him to have a mental breakdown, but I didn't want him to give up on his lifelong ambitions either. He couldn't find a middle ground somewhere? I mean...seriously?
I didn't have much longer to talk, but Simon didn't seem to be in any hurry. I said, "Dude...we should talk, ok? I mean...Finals start on Monday. Don't just brush 'em off, ok?"
Simon says, "Ok. If you say so." Then he's like, "But I'm really not worried about them. Either I know the material or I don't. Whatever. It's not like my parents can KILL me, right?" To be honest, I wasn't so sure about that last statement.
God....what if this is my fault? What if we corrupted Simon beyond repair. No, no, no, no, NO!!! That's not what was supposed to happen!
By the time Simon and I stopped talking, I was convinced that he was going to blow this whole week off as though it didn't matter. And...I don't know. I mean...does it? I always thought it did. Maybe...well...I dunno. NO! It matters! Ugh! Is he getting to me too? This isn't something to play around with. It's just...I remember that level of thinking. The whole 'nothing matters, and it's all about ME' mentality. I made a mistake. In fact, I made a LOT of mistakes, during that time. I don't want Simon to get it in his head that it's ok to think that way? Is that wrong of me? Am I meddling again? Who knows? Maybe I'll call him tomorrow. Just to make sure that he's getting himself back on track, you know? We'll see.
I didn't eat lunch with Jimmy LaPlane today. I wanted to catch up on an overdue assignment during lunch. I wasn't really hungry anyway at the time. But...well...Jimmy bought me a soda. I didn't ask him to. But I guess he was just trying to be a friend, you know?
Anyway, we had made such a habit of hanging out together, that Jimmy...um...I dunno, he seemed really hurt by the idea of me having something else to do today. I felt really bad, especially after having him buy me a soda. But this was practically the 'last' day of school, as far as I was concerned. And if I didn't get this done, it was going to count against me in a major way.
So Jimmy was just like, "Oh. Well...ok then. I can just...well...I'll entertain myself somehow. You just...go do what you have to do. K? And...maybe I'll see you later? Maybe?"
I wasn't ditching him. I swear! I didn't want him to feel like that. But...that 'look' was there. That disappointment. That misery. I could see it clear as day. And I found myself stuck between wanting to spare his feelings and not wanting to lead him on. I mean...what do I DO in a situation like this? There doesn't seem to be a 'win/win' scenario in all of this.
And then...Jamie Cross...
Picture this...end of the day...last bell...everybody is leaving their last class and going home. And out of the corner of my eye, I see a shock of light blond hair, attached to the unbearably gorgeous Jamie Cross, right? And even though we've been talking for months now...it still take me a couple of seconds to build up the courage to say hello to him. Because...you know...he's too pretty to just be 'friendly' with. Which must be hard for him. Because I can't imagine anyone talking to him without at LEAST sticking their tongue down his throat! God knows I can't! I've been drooling over that boy for WAY too long to stop now...
Anyway, he gave me this big grin and a half hug when he saw me. Which always gives me the shivers. ALWAYS!
He was like, "I haven't seen you around too much, lately. Last official day of school, huh? You excited for the Summer?"
I'm not sure why I still had this on my mind, but what Stevie told me about Jamie inviting him to the party was kinda...um...well...I was wondering why he did that.
Trying to stall, I said, "Yeah. Kinda. I feel like I've been in school FOREVER! Heh...so a break might be nice..." It wasn't what I wanted to say, but the words wouldn't really work their way up to my lips today. Jamie's eyes are SO amazing! You stare into them, and they intimidate you on a level that you can't defend against. It's the weirdest thing ever. Not to mention that his lips are soooooo cute when they're...um...moving and stuff.
I realized that I was being super quiet all of a sudden, and I didn't know how to break the silence with something intelligent that didn't make me look like a complete idiot. It's harder than you might think in front of Jamie Cross. I think I actually began to hyperventilate at that point.
Does he know? Does he really know about me, and not care? What if I say something, and he's totally shocked by it. I wanted to ask. About me, about Stevie, about Jimmy....and the words got choked up in the back of my throat like dry heaves from a nasty stomach flu.
I stood there like a moron until the bell rang, and Jamie raised an eyebrow and said, "You alright?"
SAY IT!!! Come on, Jamie! Say it! You KNOW that I'm gay! Or...or should I just ask? Can I just come right out and ask? There are too many people in this hallway. Yeah...that's why I won't say it out loud. Too many people. Ok...so...Jamie...um....
He's like, "Billy? I've gotta run. But hey, I'll be in touch. Ok?"
What does that mean? He'll be in touch? Will he??? Like...today? Or like...for the Summer? Or like...forever, because he LOVES me and has been secretly lusting after me since we first met? Oh God, PLEASE let it be the last one!
Wow...Jimmy LaPlane would be SO angry if it was the last one! Hehehe!
I really need to figure this out. I mean, I need to know what Jamie knows and what he doesn't know. I need to know if Trace is gay or bi or what? I need to know if Jimmy can keep his feelings in check or if he's going off the deep end again. I've tried being sneaky and safe about it, but I'm obviously running out of time now. The Summer is practically here, and I hope to have some fun before it's over. Some REAL fun!
I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into stuff. But I just...I miss being as happy as I used to be. Life is so pointless without some level of joy. Something that you can express. Something that you want to shout to the world. I feel like I'm standing on the very edge of something amazing. And I can't figure out what it is. Not yet. But I'll be thinking about it though.
Once I finish jacking off over Jamie Cross, that is! Hehehe, it's JUST a mental fantasy! No harm done! I swear! He just....he really looked hot today.
I'm so hopeless...
Ok, already hard. Tomorrow is the weekend. A little more studying, and I'll be ready for my Monday final! Wish me luck! I might need it! Monday is one of the hardest ones! :(