Monday

- You know...today was a totally bizarre experience for me. Taking final exams in high school is SO much different than it was in Junior High. I mean, we've had semester exams and all before, but today seemed like a whole different ballgame for some reason. It hardly felt like 'school' at all. The tension and the pressure just felt like it slapped me in the face and started bearing down on my shoulders from the second I walked in through the front door. So weird. I kept thinking that maybe I should have studied just a LITTLE bit more yesterday. Or maybe even this morning. I don't know...I guess I was just worrying over nothing, but that queasy feeling was there in my stomach, regardless. Today was one of my hardest exams for the whole week, and it was like I could sense every last bit of previously retained information leaking out of my brain faster than I could reach out and grab it.

Ugh! I should have invested some quality time into trying to figure out a way to cheat instead.

So...two tests down...four more to go. My second final of the day was a bit tougher than I expected, but I think I did alright. I only got stumped on a few questions. Hopefully, I made few lucky guesses here and there that'll save me in the end. Thank you, 'multiple choice'.

Between exams, all of the students get an extended passing period to grab some snacks or do some last minute studying. And while I was walking down the hall, I happened to notice Simon coming down the steps from the other direction. He didn't look too happy. Certainly not as 'chill' as he was a few days ago. He didn't even notice me. Something tells me that his little hiatus from worrying about his grades hasn't gone as well as he had planned. Ugh! I should have tried to...I don't know...motivate him a bit more while he still had a chance to make up for lost time. You know? But...Simon's super smart, right? It won't be too bad. He could probably pull off an 'A' grade paper with his eyes closed. I just hope that he doesn't start stressing himself out again. He can be quite sadistic when it comes to self punishment. There's a middle ground before freaking out and blowing the whole thing off.

I also happened to cross paths with Ian while going to my second final. Hehehe! Um...yeah...

I couldn't help myself. The second I saw his face, all I could think about was Bobby Jinette's head in his lap, slowly and seductively sucking the life out of him while he kept an eye out for Bobby's mom. I uhhhh...I kinda took a few long glances at the front of his pants as he came into view. Curiosity kills, you know? Not only is his size an alluring part of his mystique, but...there's something about natural redheads that really makes me want to see it for myself. Hehehe! Like, I can't even imagine it on my own, to be honest. I just think it would be HOT....seeing red hair down there. I'll just bet that it's the coolest thing ever.

I wonder how much Bobby was able to get in his mouth....

I had to concentrate to stop myself from staring. I didn't want to be a freak about it. But even though we didn't really have time to say much of anything to one another...I did give Ian a big smile and a nod. I hope that wasn't too obvious. I'm not sure if he knows whether Bobby told me about their good time yesterday or not. I didn't want to get Bobby in trouble or anything. All I know was that Ian was looking extremely tasty today.

That boy is gonna make Bobby's juicy round ass SOOOO happy when they get around to the hot and heavy stuff! I remember how extremely sexy Bobby could be when it came to that part. And Ian is going to lose his MIND when he get his first chance to sink into that warm, wet, muscle and start pumping and grinding for all he's worth. I get all crazy just thinking about it. What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall for THAT particular event!

Hehehe, sorry. Just...Bobby's little confession had me feeling really horny today. I don't know if it's the full moon or what, but sometimes I just want to hump anything that will sit still long enough for me to explode. I feel myself moving into that phase right now. I guess you could say that I'm 'in heat' at the moment. I hope it passes soon. Because I'm likely to rub myself raw if this keeps up like it is right now.

Oh....and speaking of 'hot and heavy' stuff...

Jimmy LaPlane certainly didn't help to keep my mind off of sex today. If anything, he made it worse. A LOT worse!

I don't even know how he found me, to be honest. I didn't really expect to see him, but he was waiting outside of the big study hall when I turned in my last final for the day. Sometimes I swear that boy is stalking me and following my every move whether I'm paying attention or not.

I said hello and all, but he was like, "So what are you up to for the rest of the afternoon? Since we're both getting out all early and stuff." It's not like I had anything planned, but I just thought I'd go home and watch TV with a few snacks or something. I wasn't anticipating having company or anything. Jimmy had asked me so fast, I didn't even know how to answer him. Not that he gave me much of a chance anyway. He was like, "Hey, your mom is still at work, isn't she? You wanna maybe hang out at your place for a while? I'm gonna be so bored if I have to go home, dude. I just want to stay out for a bit longer. What do ya say?"

I mean...what could I say, really? I was like, "Oh...ok, yeah. I don't see why not...."

Jimmy got super excited and squeals like, "Cool! Wait here! I've gotta get some stuff from my locker. No, wait...come with me. I can keep an eye on you. Hehehe!"

There it is again. That awkward feeling of being 'pulled' further into a situation that I really should leave alone. And yet...I dunno if it was Bobby's tale about him 'doing stuff' with Ian yesterday or what...but I kinda thought about Jimmy being...you know...so cute about all this. I guess it's just a residual effect of Jimmy's constant flirting with me. Or maybe some strange flashback to that I just want to feel good mentality that I had poisoning my common sense not so long ago. I mean, I would never say that Jimmy wasn't cute. Because he is. And the more he closes in on me, spending all this extra time together, the more I think about it. You know? Like...like...what if? I think it made me even hornier to know how overwhelmed Jimmy would be to actually touch me in that way. I think he might be even more blown away than Bobby was with Ian. Call it an extremely selfish ego moment, but I have to admit, it's the truth. It turned me on a little bit. Just...having me give in to Jimmy LaPlane's desires without question or restraint would be like having Jamie Cross sneak in through my bedroom window NAKED one night and waking me up with a porn star quality blowjob!

Hehehe! Great...now I'm thinking about THAT too!

Anyway, Jimmy and I went back to my house, and as we were walking down the street...I happened to notice Sam and Michelle giggling together as he tickled her sides and started leading her to his front porch.

I didn't see his mom's car anywhere on the street. So...I guess Sam's got a little fooling around time too, this afternoon. It just figures he'd do that. Whatever.

Hmmm...I wonder if Bobby and Ian are getting together this week. Now that Bobby's basically broken down the barrier to sexual interludes between them...how could Ian not come back for more? And more? And MORE???

I'm starting to wonder if everybody I know is getting laid this week but me...

I'd say that I hope Sam is smart enough to use some protection this time so he doesn't end up in the same foolish predicament that he had gotten himself into with Joanna...but I would hardly be the one to preach that point. Shame on both of us, I suppose.

I still worry about that, by the way. But I try to push it out of my mind as often as possible. It's just...too unrealistic for me to think about right now.

And by 'unrealistic'...I mean FRIGHTENING! Because...there have been nights when I wonder what might be swimming around in my blood stream right now, just waiting to do me in, in a BAD way...and I have to distract my thoughts in order to find the solace to sleep for the night.

But...that's another story...

Anyway, Sam saw Jimmy and me walking down the sidewalk towards my house...and just like I noticed the absence of his mom's car on the street...he leaned back to notice that my mom's car was missing from our driveway as well. Instantly, I thought..."Ummm...well this certainly doesn't look good."

Sam smiled at me wickedly with a slightly raised eyebrow, and gave us a little sarcastic wave as Jimmy called out to him with an innocent 'hello'. I hope Sam doesn't get it in his head that we were...that Jimmy and I were getting ready to...I mean...we're NOT!!! We're not! Sam knows that, right? Stupid conclusion jumper. Besides, he should be concentrating on setting his homophobic girlfriend straight on Jimmy LaPlane's sexuality anyway. Not trying to get her to clumsily slobber all over the sexy parts of him that I got to taste first! So THERE! Take THAT!

Anyway, Jimmy and I did hang out for a little while. Maybe an hour or so. We played some video games and all, but I couldn't help but notice how close he was sitting next to me on the foot of my bed. I tried to furtively scoot away from him when I could manage, but he was equally as sneaky about moving closer again. It was like he wasn't happy until our legs were actually touching or something. He just seemed to be really 'touchy' today.

The big difference was...I actually starting getting hard a few times when Jimmy did it. I didn't WANT to...it's just...sometimes he would smile at me, or bump my shoulder with his shoulder, or his knee would touch my knee...and I don't know...

It was like an INSTANT crush! It didn't last for longer than a few seconds at a time. I swear! But...it kept happening. And there were times when I looked over at Jimmy and starting truly thinking about the possibilities.

I mean, am I making this all up in my head? Is there some narcissist in me somewhere that craves Jimmy's brand of total worship? Or am I feeling something real...and just trying to deliberately dismiss it because...well...because it's Jimmy? He smiles at me in the sweetest way sometimes. I smile back, but I try not to make it too...umm...'flirty', I guess. It just happens that way.

I jacked off thinking about Jimmy after he left. Maybe it's another phase of mine....but....Jimmy keeps cuddling up to me and giving me compliments. And while that shouldn't be enough to seduce me into actually thinking of him in a romantic way....things have kinda taken a left turn in all this. I don't think hat I can honestly say that I look at Jimmy LaPlane as just a friend anymore. Is that weird? Even more important....is this something that I've developed on my own, or does Jimmy know exactly what he's doing by being around me so much, and planting the seeds of arousal wherever he finds an opportunity to do so? You'd think that it would be easy to figure something like that out...but it isn't. Because I don't know if Jimmy is trying to get me naked or if he's just being super friendly and touching this craving for love and affection within me.

At times like this, when I really want someone to feel about me the way I feel about them...I guess I can be vulnerable to things like this. I just...I don't know...I feel like I should just walk away. That's all.

But...kissing Jimmy on the lips...those sweet, moist, lips...I think I would have enjoyed that much more than I'm ready to admit just yet.

What's CAUSING this in me??? WHY? I didn't think like this before. I swear I didn't. Jimmy is not a 'space filler' for my lack of love in life. I don't want to use him. I WON'T use him! I've been down that road, and it only comes to a dead end. Every time. Just....

....Just....

...I wish I could get rid of this totally random attraction. Because...even after what little AJ told me about his romps with Jimmy that afternoon...it sounds like Jimmy is...ummm...a really good...well....a really REALLY good....fuck!

Can I say that here? Does that sound crass? Maybe, maybe not. I guess I can write that in my own journal, right? It's just....wow. I KNOW how fucking AMAZING Robin was when we were together! It was an orgasmic experience just sliding into him while his gentle weight lowered itself down onto my lap....not to mention Robin grabbing the back of the couch over both of my shoulders and working that sweet ass on my hardness until I was almost breathless with passion and lust!

So...for AJ to have seen Robin in action...and still mention Jimmy LaPlane as one of his all time favorites??? That's really saying something. I mean...right?

Again...curiosity kills....

Anyway, I've gotta go. I think I'm going to look at my textbooks and a few of my notes over again for tomorrow's assault on my brain. Thanks to the arguments of my parents, neither one of them is really in the mood to see me performing at the usual 'underachiever' level. So I'll write more later.

Take care....

- Billy