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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And Nick Robinson is ALL yours for the weekend!!! Like...'ALL' of him!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- My mom seems to be stressing out in a major way tonight. There's nothing that I can really say or do to help her, you know? It makes me feel kinda helpless.
She didn't come right out and say it, but I can tell that my dad had something to do with it. I can just tell. For some reason, he can touch buttons in her that most people can't. I almost wish that he would stop calling the house altogether. I hate to say that, but it's the truth. I mean...he wanted to be 'gone' so badly...so just GO already.
Ugh! I don't know what I'm saying. I don't...hate him or anything. I want to go over and hang out some more or something before he...you know...moves away for good.
(I had almost forgotten how much I hated saying that...)
I just hate seeing how badly my mom is taking all of this. I don't want to see her hurt. Not like this. Speaking from experience, I know what it's like to lose someone so close to your heart...and feel the pain of it every time you think about them. Every time you see them on the street. Every time you hear their voice. I just wish I knew why they can't get along anymore. If it hurts them to be together, then why are they together? If it hurt them to be apart, then why are they apart? I just don't understand.
My mom told me once, when all this divorce madness began, that love changes over time. I didn't know what she meant by that at the time. She was like, "Billy...sometimes, two people can love each other with their whole heart...they just stop communicating. And it can be really hard to love someone that you can't talk to." I was frightening to hear something like that from one parent about another. And then she says, "Honey...one day, you're going to find yourself a girl that will drive you absolutely crazy. And not in a good way."
I said, "Don't worry, Mom. I'll be sure to avoid them if I can."
But she surprised me by saying, "No, Billy. Don't. Because those are the ones that you build a life with. The ones who drive you crazy are the keepers. Don't be afraid to argue. If nothing else, at least it's honest. And that's not as easy to find in someone as you may think. Just make sure that you appreciate something special when you see it. Ok?" She seemed so...sad when she said it.
Like I said, I think I was confused by the whole conversation at the time...but I think I'm starting to get it. Just a little bit at the time...but I'm getting it.
Today she said, "Lana from work is having a get together for her birthday this Thursday. I think I'm going to go out and unwind for a while. Do you think you can handle dinner if I prepare it all and just leave some instructions for you?"
Instantly, I'm like, "Yeah! Sure! Just go. I'll be fine."
She says, "All you have to do is put it in the oven and keep an eye on it..." I just kept telling her to go and to stop even thinking about it. If anybody needs a break, it's my mom. You know, Friday is a half day and the end of school before the Summer...I thought that I might just get up early and clean up the house for her before she comes home from work. You know? Just a little something to help out. I can sweep and mop and vacuum...maybe I can even make a little something simple for dinner. So she can just come home and take a load off. Give her worries a rest. Yeah...that would be cool. I might just do that.
Anyway, I can honestly say that my finals were a total breeze today. I was all worried for nothing. The build up was SO intimidating before, but the test was a total cake walk. So thank goodness for small favors.
The only thing that really bummed me out at school today was the fact that I sorta saw Brandon in the cafeteria today. He was wearing that really cute shirt that I liked so much on him. That one that's all soft and makes him look even prettier than usual. I don't know, it just makes his eyes seem brighter or something. Sighhh...I miss Brandon's eyes. Especially when he smiled. Whenever Brandon smiled at me...it was like the whole world turned to Technicolor.
He saw me, but he didn't say anything. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Well...let's be honest...it was a bad thing. I'd love to have Brandon yell at me and tell me to fuck off than say nothing at all. At least we'd be communicating. I guess that's what Mom was talking about. The not communicating thing. But it isn't hard to love Brandon at all. I still ache for him. Like...all the time. I'm just getting to the point where I wish that pain would just go away. I could move on if it weren't for that little glimmer of hope that someday I'll be able to fix this. It's hard to tell if I'm being delusional or not.
Whatever. He's still beautiful. Beautiful in a way that nobody else is. I've been staring at him from day one...it sucks to have to do it at such a distance these days.
Luckily, things are going much better for Ian and Bobby than they are for me. I did get a chance to chit chat with Ian for a little bit while he was waiting for Bobby to finish up his final exam today. It's so adorable how they just wait for one another or walk down the halls, sometimes holding hands. See? That's what REAL love is all about. Just the little things. Nothing major, no real 'labor' put into it...just expressing your appreciation for someone, and having them do the same for you. I liked seeing that with the two of them. They're just...super sweet together, you know? I don't think people realize how amazing that kind of emotional connection can really be when shared by two people who never thought it would happen for them. There's just something magical about the whole thing.
I asked Ian how things were going with him and Bobby, pretending not to know that Bobby had just wrapped his moist lips around Ian's boner just the other day, of course! Hehehe! Ian was like, "It's great! Billy...it's soooo awesome! Everything about Bobby is so....perfect." Ian was actually blushing just talking about his sweetheart. A true sign of love. He giggles like, "Is it weird that I can't stop thinking about him night and day? I mean...I can barely take my finals this week without this big dumb smile breaking out on my face while I stare off into space. He's just...SUCH a major part of me! I feel like I can't breathe without him. And...that should be really scary, but it isn't. It's like...I wouldn't have it any other way. He makes me feel so gooey inside, hehehe!"
I could barely stand up straight, just hearing Ian talk about him like that. It was overpowering in more ways than I could count. I was JEALOUS! I really was! Hehehe, but in a good way, I think. Like...I was proud of them for actually getting past the hard part and enjoying the feelings they had for one another. It isn't easy. Not for anybody, I don't think.
I told him, "Well, I'm happy for you both! I really am. You guys make a really cute couple. Hehehe!"
It was then that Ian said, "Thanks. It's mostly Bobby though. I'm sure of it." Really? Ian was REALLY cute! He's just being modest, I'm sure. Anyway, with an even deeper blush than before, Ian says, "You know...just between you and me...I mean...um.....uhhh....hehehe...."
I'm like, "What?"
And he's like, "I don't know if anybody noticed, but...Bobby has a REALLY nice butt! I mean...it is, like...the sexiest butt I've ever seen on another boy...."
I snickered to myself, and I said, "Oh, BELIEVE me...I've noticed! A lot of people have noticed."
Ian giggled out loud. And he's like, "Seriously...that is, like, an award winning booty. I think about it sometimes...and it's just..." He sighed out loud, and said, "...I can't believe that he's my boyfriend now. I can't believe that he wants anything to do with me. You know? I guess I just grew up thinking that I was too different to ever find somebody like Bobby to be...nice to me. And now he is, and I'm sooooo happy that I hardly know what to do with myself when I'm around him. I just...need to get used to all of this so I can stop being such a dork all the time."
I said, "Yeah. I understand. I've been there, done that, myself from time to time."
Ian was like, "But...his butt! My GAWD! Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe when I think about...umm...well...hehehe...when I picture myself just..." He chickened out of saying what he really wanted to say, but I knew what he was talking about. And I shared the sentiment. Because I was totally entrapped by that sweet luscious bubble booty myself at one point. So I get it, Ian. I TOTALLY get it! Ian looked away from me as he grinned to himself. and he's like, "Dude, I'm sorry."
I asked him, "Sorry for what?"
And he says, "I hope I'm not grossing you out with this stuff. I mean...if you want me to stop talking about this, I can."
I'm all like, "Why would I be grossed out?"
And Ian says, "Well....I mean...the 'gay' thing. I just figured that straight guys would be totally squeamish about this kind of thing. So...I didn't want to make you feel like you had to listen to this stuff if you didn't want to. Just...tell me to shut up whenever you get uncomfortable, ok?"
You know...for a short time, I almost forgot that Ian didn't know about me. I mean...maybe, in the back of my mind, I just assumed that Bobby had filled him in. Or maybe I just figured that he had kinda figured me out the way Simon and Jimmy had before. But, judging from the way he said that, I honestly think that he was clueless about me liking boys the same way that he did. And I never really came right out and told him. So...I don't know...maybe he didn't have a clue.
I could have told him, right then and there...but I didn't. Wrong time. Wrong place. But...it would have been so easy. Seriously. I didn't even feel any fear concerning letting him know about me. Maybe it was Ian and Bobby's casual relationship...or maybe it was some lingering pride from Stevie's big assembly...but I knew, deep down, that Ian wouldn't care either way. And knowing that made it easier for me to consider just letting him know the truth. It would have been so easy.
I don't know what stopped me...but I think I might actually tell him that I'm gay the next time the issue comes up. I mean, as long as he keeps it our secret, I don't see why not. I might even get more sexy details about what he's planning to do to Bobby Jinette's hot and juicy ass when they get together after school today! Hehehe! I could always get some enjoyment out of that, right?
Anyway, I think I just kind of avoided talking too much about it after that. But I'm seriously thinking about letting Ian in on the big secret. I mean...he's dating Bobby Jinette. How long will it be before he finds out anyway? Maybe Jimmy and I can invite both Bobby and Ian to the mall with us so we can all hang out together at once. If we can't lean on each other, then who can we lean on, you know? And it'll be Summer...so we won't have to worry about the pressures of school and stuff to keep us waddling in shame al the time. It would practically be pressure free. And that could be cool. Really cool.
So...Ian was a pleasant part of my day. He's really happy. And I didn't get to stick around long enough to see Bobby come out of his final, but I'm sure that they shared a quick kiss and a few giggles before going home together for the day. It made me wonder....is Ian sliding into that tight hole right now? Is he feeling the sexy 'bounce' of those round bubbly cheeks against his thighs as he plugs away at Bobby Jinette's butt and listens to his moans of pleasure while he tongue kisses him on the mouth. God...I'm such a voyeur when it comes to those two! Because I want to SEE! You know? It's just hot to me! Or maybe I'm just horny from a lack of attention lately.
See....it's times like this that I wish Sam and I could have a consistent 'understanding' about getting some sexual relief every now and then.
I've got to get rid of that damn girlfriend of his! That's what I NEED to do! Then Sam might be a bit more...ummm...suggestive? Is that the word? Yeah...prolly. Hehehe!
Sighhhh...I would like to think that I had learned my lesson. But Sam tasted SO good! I'd swallow his cum anytime he asked me! He just...doesn't. Ok...now I'm being crass. I'll shut up now.
Well....not shut up entirely....
Because....there's Jimmy LaPlane...
His final exams didn't last as long as mine today. Due to his schedule, he left school almost two hours earlier than I did. But he called me on the phone though. Just to talk. He said he didn't want to miss a day of hearing my voice. It was really sweet, the way he said it. You know? He was like, "I'm soooo sorry, dude! But I am totally obsessed with you. Not talking to you is like missing both breakfast and dinner to me. I just...like knowing that someone like you is out there somewhere. And I have access to him. Hehehe!"
I'm like, "Someone like me?"
And he's like, "Yeah. Just...someone exceptional, and stuff. You're not like other boys. You're like...soooo much better. Talking to you is like talking to a major celebrity, you know? I just like knowing that you're around. You're special to me, Billy. I mean that. When I say that I love you...I really mean that. K? You don't have to say it back or anything, I just...I really value the time we get to spend together. And even if I NEVER win your heart and get you to fuck me senseless...hehehe...I won't regret a single moment that we spent together. Ok? I just...I want you to know that. Because I'd feel like a jerk if I didn't say it out loud. K?"
There was this weird feeling in my heart when he told me that. Part horniness...part affection...part guilt. Were they all equal? I couldn't be sure. But I knew that I was thankful that Jimmy was just on the phone tonight. Because if he had been close enough for me to reach out and touch, I probably would have given him the fuck of a LIFETIME!!! Right then and there! I mean...Ian and Bobby were probably just catching their breath after a vigorous afternoon of making love...and Brandon's rejection had affected me in a way that made me miss being with someone else...Jimmy might have gotten his wish, had he been close enough for me to get my mouth on him. And even more.
I've never seen Jimmy naked. He's seen me though. He reminded me of that when he said, "You know...I'm actually starting to miss being able to go see Alex on the weekends. How sick is that? I don't know...I just...I haven't had any actual sex in weeks. It sucks. All I have is my hand, and thoughts of you being my boyfriend. Hehehe!"
It was a bit awkward, but...I think I liked it. I said, "Thoughts of me, like what?"
Why did I ask? I think a part of me is seriously intrigued by Jimmy. Maybe it always has been. He says, "Hehehe, you know....stuff." And we giggle for a bit, but I decided to cut that conversation short before he gets me even more hot and bothered than I already am. Because...he's offering me something that no other boy is willing to offer at this point. And I found myself being rock hard the entire time that I was talking to him.
What can I say??? Jimmy STIMULATED me!!! He said things to make me feel sexy and wanted. He just...felt like somebody that I wanted to be naked with. Who else in my life was even coming close to that? Nobody. Jimmy was very quickly becoming the number one highlight of my day. The ONE thing that I craved and looked forward to when I woke up in the morning.
I know that I said that I didn't 'crave' Jimmy like I did other boys...but I think that's changing. Maybe because I feel like he 'craves' me in return. Instead of chasing Brandon, who doesn't seem to care one way or another if he ever talks to me with any depth whatsoever ever again....I cold be with Jimmy. Someone who wants me...and tells me so as often as he can. On the Hill, on the phone, at school, at lunch...he lets me know that I make him happy. It takes so little, but he does it. And he does it for ME.
I'm starting to think that I've been misled. That maybe I need to start appreciating the attention I'm getting from Jimmy instead of forcing and chasing attention from boys who don't seem to give a shit anymore.
Is this one of those lessons that I need to be learning in life? Who knows? Only time will tell, I guess.
Anyway, I've gotta go. I just...I wanted to put my feelings out there while the 'fire' was still in me. This book is almost finished. I hope it lasts another few days. I'll get another one soon. I've made this a habit that I can't live without. So I might as well make it count, right?
Take care. And to Jimmy...mmmm...maybe. :) Not today...but one day...we may just see where this obsession of yours takes us!