- You know, it didn't seem like it at first, but I think that maybe seeing Jimmy at the hospital DID help to make me feel a little bit better than before. As I said, it didn't really 'solve' anything, but somewhere in the back of my mind it cleared up a bit of the mystery as to what really happened to him. Not much, but enough to let me sleep at night again. I wonder if he regrets doing it. Or...maybe if he regrets not being successful with it. I wasn't sure. He didn't seem any happier than he was before he did it, and I'm sure he's gonna really hate going back to school. There's no WAY that I, or anybody else for that matter, will be able to protect him from the backlash he's sure to get when the kids at school get a hold of him. Especially now that they know that he's gay! They'll have a field day with that one.
But there IS one thing that I think about sometimes. Those last few days, before he...'you know'...he was happy. I mean, he actually seemed HAPPY! That seems totally backwards to me. I would have thought that he'd be so depressed that it would hurt just to look at him. But no...it was the exact opposite. He told me he was gay, he smiled in my face, he gave me a hug, offered to give me his stuff...it was like he didn't care about anything at all. It was like he was...free. Free of secrets, free of obligations, free of a future of possible loneliness and bullying and...pain. I mean he even had the guts to hit --- in the FACE! I never would have had the courage to do something like that! He cursed out a teacher, ditched school, he didn't take any shit from anybody. I have to confess, it made me think about things. I just wonder what it would feel like to be standing at death's door and know it. I wonder what it's like to feel like nothing can hurt you anymore. It must be an awesome sensation. Even if it's the biggest, and the LAST mistake, that I could ever make.
My parents are becoming a bit more normal than they have been in a while. Thank goodness. After Jimmy's 'accident', as I refer to it now, they've been watching me like a couple of hawks. The spontaneous hugs and compliments and weird stares were getting to be pretty creepy though. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my parents something fierce...but I don't want to SAY it all the time! What am I? An eight year old? Anyway...I guess they finally figured out that there's nothing to worry about. Which helps me out a lot, because I didn't want them constantly looking over my shoulder anyway I'm old enough to take care of myself. I know what's going on.
I saw Sam face to face today at lunch. Well...I sorta saw him face to face. We sat at the same table, but that was about it. It looks like he went to the mall with Joanna and Lee and the rest on Saturday after all. I wasn't sure if he was expecting me to be there or not. Who knows? Anyway, by the time I walked into the cafeteria with my lunch tray, Sam had already seen me. So, I couldn't just turn around and walk away, you know? So I went over and sat down. We didn't really speak to each other much, even if I kinda wanted to. He barely looked at me. I can't deny that it hurt a little bit. I should have just come right out and said that I was sorry for what I said a few days ago right there at the table. Or at least mentioned it to him after lunch. I didn't want him to think that I hated him. Or that I wasn't talking to him because I blamed him for Jimmy's suicide attempt. I just...I didn't know what words to use or how I should put them together. It's kinda hard to take back a comment like that, you know? I guess I just wish this little 'spat' of ours was done with so I could have my friend back. I wish it could just...be 'forgotten' somehow. Without me making things worse by trying to fix it. Only time will tell, I suppose.
It seems Joanna likes having him around. He makes her laugh. I often wonder if maybe she did that for my benefit. To make sure she wasn't coming between me and my best friend. I could never tell what was on Joanna's mind, no matter how hard I tried. A boy's mind is so much easier to figure out. Straight forward, simple, driven by motivations that are pretty easy to understand. Girls? Their every emotion seems to be written backwards and upside down in some alien language that our finest scientists couldn't decode. In invisible ink with illegible handwriting, no less. It's gotten to the point where I no longer even try to figure her out without just telling her that I'm completely lost. I just hold her hand when she reaches for mine, smile when she smiles, kiss back when she kisses me on the lips, and speak when I'm spoken to. Outside of that, I doubt that I could safely navigate the minefield of traps she probably had waiting for me. Hehehe, how did my dad find an actual WIFE out of this crazy species, anyway?
I hear there's a bowling party for Missy this coming Friday. She made it a point to invite me and Joanna. Yes...we're sharing invitations now. Weird. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to go, but Joanna wants to. So I guess that means the answer is yes. I'll just make sure that I've got something cool to wear. I've never been really good at bowling, but it'll be better than sitting at home, I suppose.
I've gotta run. I'm starving and I need a late night snack. Time to raid the fridge! Seeya!
- Oh MAN!!! It's like almost 11:30 at night right now! But I'm just too worked up to sleep! Guess what *I* was just doing??? I talked to BRANDON on the phone for like FOUR HOURS straight!!! Omigod! I don't think I've ever talked to ANYBODY for that long before! My ear is all sweaty just from holding the phone for that long. I didn't even notice the time passing by! It flashed passed us like it was only a few minutes! And you wanna know what else? When it was time to hang up, we STILL didn't want to go! I feel so cool just getting to TALK to him, you know? Brandon hardly talked to anybody before outside of being polite, or the occasional friendly chit chat between classes. But tonight...this was completely different. He was open and funny and just...awesome! Damn! If he wasn't straight, I'd be SO in love right now! Hehehe!
I didn't even think we'd have that much to talk about, but we did. We even got into talking about aliens at one point. Like...a SERIOUS conversation about what we believe about life on other planets. You know...you really have a good friend when you can get deep into something like that. He's got some really cool ideas, and I was fascinated by the way he just kept an open mind about everything. He was like...'wise' or something! And articulate, and just....dreamy. Geez, how many times have I mentioned how cute Brandon is in this book. I've gotta take a count one of these days. God forbid if he were to ever find out about half of the stuff I write about him in here! He'd never look at me the same way again. But it's the absolute truth though. Every time I talk to him, I feel that much closer to him. Almost like our spirits are intertwined together somehow, and know how to communicate on a level that he and I haven't even discovered yet. Just hearing his voice makes me feel connected to him, and I can't understand why. But I like it.
Oh man...and he has a REALLY sexy laugh too! I'm not talking about a 'chuckle' or a 'giggle' like I'm used to hearing from him when we're making small talk. I mean an actual full length laugh. Omigod, it's sooooo cute! You have no idea! I can listen to it all night. It actually makes me hard hearing it. It's not too loud or obnoxious, and it's not too shy or withdrawn. He doesn't snort or cough or drag it out for longer than it should be. It fits him JUST right! And it's so cute and sweet! I can picture his smile, and the gentle shake in his shoulders, and the gleam in his eyes. It actually makes me squirm a bit to envision it, even now. Wow...I can't believe we talked for that long. I can't believe I wanna do it AGAIN! Like, right NOW! I know it sounds really perverted, and I'm sorry Brandon, wherever you are right now...but I kinda touched myself a few times while listening to him talk. I don't mean I was sitting here 'climbing the greased pole' or anything! Just a few 'presses' here and there. I was so hard at certain points in our conversation that I had to push down on it just to get some temporary relief from the strain. But it was JUST a few pushes, that's all! I swear!
He's a special person, you know? And that goes beyond just being extremely 'pretty'...he's cool too. So cool. I've gotta be careful of him before I start to develop a crush that I can't deal with. It's cool to have him near and dear to my heart though. It really is.
The only other news today was that I saw Sam at the lunch table again today. But this time, it was a little better than yesterday. We still didn't talk much, but at least he looked me in the eye a few times. And we shared a few sentences every few minutes. It was still kinda awkward, but at least things were getting better. Maybe this isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Maybe this was one of those minor problems that Sam and I can sit back and watch as it magically begins to smooth over all by itself. It wouldn't be the first time that it's ever happened. We could always get through whatever problems we had without much effort. Probably because there wasn't another person on this Earth that knew us like we knew each other. That alone kept us bonded, and probably always will. I'm glad. Because I'd miss him if he weren't around.
Ok, I'm tired now. Gotta get some sleep if at all possible. Brandon gives me a bad case of the 'tingles' when he talks to me, and tonight I got a healthy dose of quality time from him. So let's hope they die down enough for my body to get some rest before having to see him in person again. Because once I do...I just know they're gonna start up all over again.
See ya soon!
- I giggled like some kind of fucking DORK all day today when I saw Brandon this morning! Shit! Sometimes I wish I could really physically kick myself hard enough to quit being a freak! I really hope he doesn't write me off as some kind of nerd after this morning. He didn't seem to mind, but Brandon was always polite no matter what. If he thought I was being stupid, he probably wouldn't tell me. He'd just smile right along with me and probably turn around and roll his eyes at me. Sighhh...I don't know what HAPPENED!!! Everything was so damn COOL last night on the phone! It felt like we could talk forever! But I saw him today in person...and suddenly I can't even put two words together. I got....'scared'! Scared, and clumsy, and tongue tied...it was CRAZY! I screwed up big time. Maybe I can just fake a minor illness to make him think it was just an off day or something. I'd better have more to say to him tomorrow or I'm gonna tear down all the wonderful progress I've made with him up to this point! And I REALLY don't wanna do that! Things were just starting to get fun between us.
Simon tried talking to me earlier today. He was all smiles and high fives..but I really just don't look at him the same way anymore, you know? After what happened...I feel so 'restricted' around him. I can't really understand why, but my defenses go up and he gets outcasted as 'the guy who won't understand' if I ever came out and told him that I was gay. How would he treat me if he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was trying (desperately) to have sex with him back then? How is he gonna treat Jimmy when HE comes back to school? Actually...I guess I should be totally honest here. Simon is cute, and he's blond, and he's got SUCH a hot little ass on him! Just seeing nice slacks being stretched over a narrow, tight, little bubble butt like his is downright mouthwatering! But...without the promise of sex, or even a HINT that long hours of hot steamy passion would be possible between us...is there a reason for me to even want to talk to him anymore? To have him over to my house, let him play my video games, or spend time with him? It may sound harsh, but it's how I feel, you know?
Geez, reading that back, that sounds really mean. Maybe I shouldn't have written that down. I just...I haven't thought about him much since the idea of having his dick in my mouth became an impossibility. That, combined with his instant negative reaction to me wrestling and rolling around with him...he's not someone that I'd go out of my way to be around anymore. He won't, and can't, love me for me. And he can't satisfy me with that delicious body of his, which he's probably gonna totally waste on some GIRL somewhere further down the line. So why bother? This is one time when I wish I had kept things a mystery.
Oh, I saw something strange today. There's this boy in my gym class, Bobby Jinette, who has a gym locker pretty close to mine when we're changing for class. He's kinda popular and stuff with his key group of friends, and he's got dark hair and blue eyes. He's one of those boys that you kinda notice and don't pay attention to at the same time. Anyway, I was changing into my gym shorts...and I think I saw him staring at me. It was just a quick flash, because I happened to look up, and he looked away. But I caught him at LEAST three times looking at my 'package'. Which...I don't know if it was a 'check out the competition' kinda thing, or if he actually wanted some. Hehehe! Bobby's always been cool and cute, but he's never been one of the boys that I went goofy over. I don't know why, because he was definitely cute. But he just didn't strike me as my 'type'. Still, it made me wonder if maybe he was like me. If, perhaps, he had a diary of his OWN at home, and maybe he's writing about ME right now. Describing my half naked body and how good I look in my boxers, guessing how big my penis is and dreaming of what it would be like to kiss it. And lick it. And suck on it until it explodes. Hehehe! It's kinda cool when you think about it all. There's like this 'secret society' of gay teenagers in my school, whether I'm able to spot them or not. And they're all walking past one another every single day without even knowing it until you catch them eyeing your johnson in the locker room. How entertaining a concept is THAT?
Anyway, that's all today. Sweet Dreams Bobby Jinette! Hope you're thinking of me, baby! Hehehe!