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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And I'll make you Austin Mahone's personal nurse until he feels all better!!! (Poor baby, awwww....)*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I saw him today.
I saw Brandon. He was standing just outside of the school library, waiting behind someone else just to get a drink from the water fountain. Here it was, the last day of the school year, and he's almost exactly where I saw him on the first day of the school year. It was a sad moment of deja vu, but I think I'm actually starting to look at things more realistically. Not that it brought me much comfort.
When he stood up from the fountain, he turned towards me...our eyes meeting for an extended moment.
And I wasn't sure that I could really define the emotion in his gaze, but it wasn't as harsh or as hateful as it used to be. It wasn't what I would call 'inviting'...but at least he didn't seem so angry. It made me wonder if Stevie maybe took a moment to talk to him and let him know what had happened. Maybe he forced Brandon to listen, and gave him some time to think about it.
There was a small part of me that wanted to run right over to him and explain it all. Tell him all about Jimmy and how he's been feeding him spoonfuls of bullshit all this time, and that I was sorry. SO sorry! If nothing else, I just wanted this whole agonizing game of ours to just go away. To go back and maybe start with a clean slate. I just wanted the boy I loved to peek out from behind all that distrust and anger and fear...and just...'see' me again. You know?
What I wouldn't give to just have one conversation with the boy I fell so madly in love with. Just...one last talk. Even if it's just to say goodbye.
Because...I have to be honest with myself. At this point...what kind of relationship could Brandon and I actually have? How can I possibly love somebody that I can't ever touch? Can't ever talk to? How can he love somebody that he can't trust? That he's constantly afraid of? We're too distant from each other to even be friends. I think that hurts more than anything.
Maybe some things are just better off being a fond memory instead of tragic failure. It'll be a lonely Summer without the brilliant beauty of those pretty eyes. But I've done all that I could. And I think...I think I'm just not going to try anymore. It's just gotten to be humiliating.
We got our grades back from our Finals today. I'm happy to say that I did a LOT better than I thought I would! I guess all that studying actually paid off. And for the few times that it didn't...thank God for multiple choice and the sweet science of a few 'lucky guesses'. My grades actually made me kind of proud, this being my first year in high school and all.
Simon, on the other hand...ummm...he didn't do so well. Well, he and I probably did about the same, but to Simon, that's almost sufficient reason to throw himself out of the highest school window he can find. He was practically trembling when I saw him in the hallway with Trace this morning. In fact, he was SO out of sorts, that he was afraid to go home after our half day of school. Trace, always the laid back one, said, "Well, we've gotta pick up my brother, Mikey first, but you can just hang at my house for a while, if you want." I mean, Simon agreed, of course. What else was he going to do? You would have thought that his parents had a miniature electric chair waiting for him in the basement, the way he was acting. Trace was like, "I could use the extra arms, anyway. Mikey's school always dumps all of this stuff on him on the last day. Just posters and books and shit that's been hanging on the walls all year...every art project and finger painting...once they tried to give him a GERBIL! What the hack were we going to do with a gerbil???"
I thought about saying something, hehehe, but I took the high ground. Promise.
Trace was like, "What about you, Billy? You feel like getting into a little something after school? The more the merrier."
I thought about it for a moment. I honestly did. I thought that it might be a better choice than having Jimmy coming back over to my house for...you know...stuff. But I told him, "Nah. Can't. I've got a little something going on of my own today. Maybe this weekend or something?"
Trace said, "Sure thing. Maybe I'll have Simon all loosened up by then. We'll see where the fates guide us."
While Trace was lightly shaking Simon's shoulder, I heard him whisper, "I broke up with my girlfriend. Why did I do that?"
Trace was like, "UGH!!! Don't you start with that again! C'mon, let's go! Hehehe, see ya later, Billy."
I felt really bad for him. I mean, I know that I tried to help, and I was really worried for Simon at the time. I mean, he was pushing him to the point where his health was fading. That's never a good thing. But now, I'm sorta wishing I had just left him alone to do it his own way. I guess some people just function better in a completely different way. I just hope his parents don't come down too hard on him. Simon's a good guy. He always has been. He deserves a little down time every now and then.
I didn't catch sight of Bobby today, but I did see Ian briefly between classes. He was all excited about the Summer being here, and he said that he should have the rest of his money saved up, and should be getting his brand new HD camera as early as next Saturday. He was talking about all of these makes and models and different features...and of course I had no idea what he was talking about, hehehe...but he was so happy about it that his enthusiasm just kinda carried over. He made sure that I was gonna keep my promise to be in this big movie of his once he learns how to work everything on the camera, and naturally, I said yes. I've never really been in a movie, unless you count the cameras being watched by mall security. So it might be fun, who knows? Besides, watching Bobby and Ian prance around together is sure to be a sight this Summer too.
I felt a bit weird once the last bell rang today. I complain about school all the time, and yet...now I feel like I'm gonna miss it over the next few months. Even Jamie Cross told me that he'd keep in touch. He's like, "I mean it. We'll party some time this Summer. Count on it." There he goes...being dreamy again.
I don't know...Sam and Joanna don't get along, Sam and Jamie definitely don't get along...I feel like I'd have to sneak around like some kind of cheating husband to hang out with either one of them. That's a situation that's just going to have to fix itself.
Yeah right...like I EVER get that lucky.
Speaking of which...I kinda ditched Sam today. I mean, he was all about me coming with him and Michelle to go out for burgers or something after school, and...well, like I said before...I sorta had something to do. Jimmy and I probably picked the wrong day for this, since everybody is looking to start celebrating the Summer as soon as the last bell rings. I didn't really have any excuses ready, so I just told Sam that I was exhausted from finals. Luckily, he bought it. Had I said I was busy, he would have 'politely interrogated' me for sure. And he's already got his eye on me and Jimmy as it is. God forbid he were to find out that we were...like...fooling around.
Why do I keep saying that in my head? 'Fooling around'. Is that, like, Randall and Lee? Or like AJ and Robin? I guess it is. Because, while I had an awesome time making out with Jimmy like a man possessed yesterday, and while something about his coming to visit today made me horny like you wouldn't believe....there was a little magic component that was still missing. I mean, it's not like Jimmy was some stranger. Jimmy's great. We've known each other a long time, he's definitely cute enough for me to be highly attracted to...and boy does he have a thing for me! And yet...it's still uneven, somehow. I don't...like...think about him, you know? Does that sound weird? It reads pretty weird. I mean...when I was with Brandon...he was all I thought about. I couldn't wait to see him again. I couldn't WAIT to talk to him. He was, like...in my blood. And Jimmy...I don't know. Maybe just not yet. We could grow into something, right? He was totally right about me never really giving him a chance before. I think I always kind of avoid it for some reason. It's just...me. Maybe there's something wrong with my heart. I can't love Bobby, or Lee, or Jimmy...just people who don't want to have anything to do with me. Great. It feels just...great.
I got really nervous once I left school and started on my way home. Even more nervous once I walked into the house and kicked my shoes off. I wondered if I was really going to go through with it. I mean...seriously. I kept talking to myself, like, "Am I really doing this? Wow. Maybe he won't come over. Maybe he'll get scared and turn back. Or...maybe he will come over, and whatever magic was missing before will just suddenly start glistening from behind his eyes. Anything was possible, right?
A little bit of time passed by...and no Jimmy. I didn't know if that was a disappointment or a sigh of relief for me at the time, but either way, I just turned on a video game and surrendered to the idea that nothing was going to happen today.
And then....my doorbell.
Sure enough, there was Jimmy standing at my door, unable to hold back a bashful grin. He's like, "...Hey."
It's strange, but I think I was happy to see him. I was like, "...Hey."
There was a bit of a pause between us as Jimmy and I started to blush. And jimmy finally says, "I'm sorry that it took me a while. I went home to grab...um..some stuff. So...you know..."
I just realized that we were both standing there at the door. So I said, "It's no problem, dude. Come on in. I was just playing games."
Jimmy and I went to my room, but instead of sitting down somewhere and getting comfortable, he kinda stood in the middle of my room to look me in the eye and smile at me. I don't know why. Hehehe, nor did I really know how to react, other than to smile back at him. Then he stepped closer and hugged me in the sweetest way. I mean, I have to admit...there was a little something there. I mean, a touch of warmth towards Jimmy that made me hug him back. I think he was trembling a little bit. Hehehe, he really was excited about today, wasn't he?
Just one thing, though...
Even after an extended hug, we let go and found ourselves still feeling a bit awkward about the whole thing. I mean...ummmm...I didn't know if Jimmy wanted me to just take charge and jump his bones, or if he was being skittish and wanted me to take things a bit slow. Hell, I didn't even know if he was still into this whole afternoon freakfest for the day. Me either for that matter. BUT...there was a bit of a tingle inside that I didn't expect to be there. A little added bonus to just having him there with me.
With an even deeper blush, Jimmy was like, "Billy...I mean...yesterday was...hehehe..." Jimmy turned his head for a moment to hide his shy smile from me, but then he continued with, "...Yesterday was awesome. Truly awesome. But, I mean....if you don't wanna...I mean, that is...we don't have to do anything today. I mean...unless you really want to."
Before I was thinking straight, I said, "I DO! Really." But then I thought about it...and I was actually being let off the hook here. I mean, seriously...why was I pushing this all of a sudden? So, I asked him, "I mean...do you want to...um...'do stuff'? Or....?" Yikes, I'm starting to sound like Bobby jinette now.
Jimmy was like, "Billy, I have to be honest with you...I have absolutely NO plan for today, whatsoever." He giggled, almost with a sigh of relief of his own, and I couldn't help but to giggle along with him. He's like, "You know...yesterday was so perfect. I mean, I was all worried and desperate and...things just sort of...happened." Jimmy sheepishly put his hands in his pockets and said, "But...as soon as I got home last night, I started obsessing and getting nervous, and thinking about what I'd do or what I'd say or how I'd react to actually getting to see you...umm...well, hehehe, you know...." Then he tells me, "I really want this to be easy. But...I'll wait if you want to wait. I just...I just want this to be perfect. Just like I always imagined it would be. You know?"
I'm not sure what compelled me to do it, but I smiled, and leaned in to give Jimmy a kiss on the cheek. I actually got a tiny little thrill out of it. If nothing else, Jimmy was willing to tell me the truth about what he felt inside. That kind of candid attitude was really cute. WHAT? It was! Hehehe! You know, had he come over here all hardcore wanting a long afternoon of hot buttered boy sex...he could have had it. I was more than willing to give it to him. Since I've stopped messing around with AJ and Robin, my sex life has been pretty nonexistent these days. But we decided to put it off. At least until the next time we get horny and have enough privacy to roll around naked until we explode all over each other.
Jimmy and I just talked for a while, played some games, and it was a fun time. But...you know the way that Jimmy kinda takes a few long peeks at me when he thinks I'm not looking? I think I found myself doing the same thing today. And we didn't do anything really sexual this afternoon...but we did exchange a few kisses. First, just a few surprise smooches on the cheek while the other one was playing the video game....and then on the lips. And those kisses on the lips began to linger...just for a few seconds more each time. And much longer, when Jimmy told me he had to go. That was a kiss that....wow, hehehe! It almost reminded me of...
No. I'm not going to do that. He doesn't deserve that comparison. Jimmy went out of his way to be here today, he deserves to be in a category all his own. 'You Know Who' can enjoy his Summer alone for all I care. He gets what he gave...and what he gave was hardly nothing at all. So there...
ANYWAY...I didn't even know it, but I was smiling for a full hour after Jimmy left my house. Can you believe that? Maybe I should take back my previous statement. I think I actually do think about Jimmy LaPlane from time to time. I'm still extremely horny right now, because I think my body was all geared up for a hot time today...but I think things went better without it this time around. I think things would have been really odd between us if we had gone through with the original plan. I mean, how would that have been any different than one of us going back to meet up with AJ again? You know?
Anyway...SCHOOL'S OUT!!!! Summer begins!! And I've got my first ever job interview tomorrow!!! So...wish me luck!
This is a pretty good first entry for my brand new diary (Ahem...I mean 'journal')! It's time to say goodbye to old ghosts, forget about old mistakes, and start building a bigger and better Billy before school starts up again! Damn skippy!
I'll write more later. (Obviously. I'm so addicted to these confessions now!)
- Billy Chase! Summer Boy! :)