Tuesday

- I just woke up from, like, a two HOUR nap! Like ten minutes ago. I seriously wore myself out today. But I think the biggest thing was the fact that I couldn't really sleep last night. I was just filled with this abundance of anxiety, waiting for Jimmy to come back over for more sex! Seriously, I didn't want to waste a single SECOND of the time that we had planned to spend together. I couldn't believe how overzealous I was about...you know...Jimmy LaPlane. (It still looks weird when I write that down!) Even when I set my alarm clock for early this morning, I was worried that I might sleep right through it. Or that I'd absentmindedly roll over and turn it off without even remembering that I did it. I was just full of jitters, and the morning simply couldn't get here fast enough.

I hope my mom didn't feel me practically 'pushing' her out the front door to get rid of her for the day. I figured she might try to pull something tricky and come home for lunch or something if I did anything that looked too suspicious, so I held back as much as I could....but still...yeah. She had to go.

She did say something to me that kinda caught my attention though while she was finishing off her morning cup of coffee. I don't know, it just unexpectedly touched a nerve, I guess. Not in a bad way, mind you. Just...unexpected.

She asked me, "How come you're up so early this morning?"

And I was like, "No reason. Just figured I'd get up and enjoy as much sunshine as I could before work starts."

She's like, "Oh. Well, ok. Sounds good to me." But he adds, "I thought maybe you and Sam might have had some antics planned for the day. I haven't seen him around much these past few weeks. That's a bit out of character for you two."

I don't know if I frowned up my face or not. If I did, I didn't mean to. Not that I was MAD at my best friend or anything, we've just been...a bit disconnected these days. I told her, "Nah...he's kinda dating this new girl now, and she's...you know, whatever. I love hanging out with Sam when they're not together. The bad thing is...they're always together. So..."

My mom gave me a smile and patted me on the head a bit. You know what she said to me? She says, "Well, you're going to get yourself a new girlfriend too someday, Mister. And when you do, you're going to be in the same position." Heh, somehow I doubt that, Mom. The unexpected part is when she said, "Do you still talk to that 'Joanna' girl?" I gave her the weirdest look. She's like, "You know, that girl from school that had a thing for you? You used to go to the mall on weekends together? Joanna was her name, right?"

Where the hell has SHE been? Does she have any idea how LONG ago that was? Geez! Parents are SO clueless sometimes. I just kinda chuckled at her and said, "No, Mom. That's not...a thing anymore."

She almost looked sympathetic about it all. I wonder hat she would say if she knew I was banging Jimmy LaPlane like a soldier in the house of Caligula instead.

My mom said, "Awww, so you two didn't work out?"

I sighed with a smirk like, "No, Mom. That didn't work out."

She just said, "Well, hon...first loves hardly ever do. Still, I hope you had fun. It gets easier every time." Now, my mom used those as her departing words from the kitchen, as she had a bit more to do before leaving for work...but something about her telling me that just sorta...triggered something. Something that I'm not so sure that I wanted to be there or not. You know?

'First loves hardly ever do.' That's what she said. And while Jimmy might have been the only boy that I was planning to spend any brain power on today...he was the last one to cross my mind.

'First love'. 'First love'. When I heard the sound of those words heading in my direction, I didn't think about Jimmy, or Lee, or Bobby Jinette. I didn't think about my first 'boyfriend', AJ, or Jimmy being my first kiss, or the untamed beauty of Jamie Cross. I didn't even think about the fact that the first major crush that I ever had on another boy was dedicated to Sam's light blond hair and pretty bright eyes...

No...my mind (unfortunately) was instantly transported back to the nervous gaze of the prettiest boy in school. And the day that he sat right there on the edge of my bed...so close to the edge that he had to half defy gravity just to keep from falling to the floor and breaking his tail bone...and he said..."I do too."

It's not even 'I love you'! You know? It's just...I don't know. That's so 'Brandon'. Such a 'Brandon' thing to do. So stupid. Why does it even matter anymore? What am I gonna do? Turn to jelly every time I think about how he was too terrified to tell me how he felt unless he was pissed at me? I don't even know why I'm writing this down right now. It shouldn't matter. I shouldn't care. That part of my life is over. I tried, and I decided to put all of those mind games and nonsense behind me once and for all. That's what I said, and that's what I'm doing.

As of right now.

It did catch me by surprise though...

Anyway, I had no conflicts with calling Jimmy and getting his cute little ass out of bed this morning as soon as I saw my mom's car pull out of the driveway! Hehehe, lucky for me, he was already awake and ready to go. In fact, he had just stepped out of the shower when his phone rang. Which already had my mouth watering for more Jimmy sex! I wanted him to hurry up and come over while his skin was still warm and wet with soapy water and shampoo fragrance. Hehehe! I was hard just talking to him! But I forced myself to wait. Yes...I had to wait. I wanted to have as much 'man juice' in storage as possible when he got over here. I don't know why. Maybe it's a weird male status thing. Who knows? ::Shrugs::

There might have been a LITTLE awkwardness at first, but it faded quickly. I mean, we both knew what was happening, you know? But it wasn't as empty and meaningless as it was with my weekend sex-fests with AJ and Robin. There was more behind the scenes this time. A bit more emotion. A bit more...ummm...affection.

I just wanted to spend more time with Jimmy and just...I don't know...get to enjoy this....er um...situation.

Ugh!

Is it weird that I always feel this long hesitation inside whenever I'm getting ready to call this thing between us...love? I shouldn't. I mean...right? When I really think about it, what is 'love'? Jimmy and I aren't some strangers that just met yesterday. We have YEARS of history behind us, don't we? And he's SUPER cute! And gay! And sexy! And I have no DOUBT that he feels the same way about me too! And we have...AWESOME sex together!!! Not only that, but we're close friends outside of the bedroom. So....you know...we can talk and stuff. We can hang out and laugh and have a good time together when we're not naked and horny. So...everything should work out, right? I mean, what's the missing ingredient in this near perfect recipe? Love, plus sex, plus affection, plus shared and common interests, plus friendship...SHOULD equal the perfect relationship.

And yet...as much as I want to believe it...it just doesn't. Not yet anyway. Am I being too picky? There must be something wrong with me, because any other closeted gay boy would give his left testicle to have an opportunity like this!!! And yet...I still find myself holding back. (On the 'love' thing...not the sex) And that only makes me worry about how far I'm willing to take this when Jimmy's feelings are soooo deeply involved right now.

But yes...jimmy came over, and we spent the whole DAY having sex again. Hehehe, honestly, I think I'm already learning what makes Jimmy feel good. I'm, like...building this little sexual map of his body, what makes him whimper, what makes him squirm...and sometimes I can combine two or three places at once, and suck on the corner of his neck...and he like...goes into these freakish little spasms from the pleasure overload! Hehehe! It's kinda cool. I think I enjoy pushing his buttons and making him feel so good. It's a total ego stroke, you know? Leaving a cutie like Jimmy totally breathless.

Something else that I noticed today...

There's something so...hmmm...'submissive' about Jimmy, that it really turns me on. I mean...like...there's something about his soft body, completely giving itself to me...begging me for more...I dunno, the desperation of it...the craving...it brings out this aggression in me. Hehehe...is that weird. Naturally, I'd never want to hurt Jimmy or make him uncomfortable, but something about him makes me just thrust and pound away with more determined fever than I ever have with any of the other boys that I've been with. And since Jimmy always brings condoms, I just feel safer doing it. So there's nothing really holding me back. It's an amazing feeling!

Jimmy and I were laying together on my bed...you know, between orgasms, hehehe...and I was spooned up behind him. His poor little battered bottom was pressed up against me as I spooned him, and I could feel the heat of him as I held him close and kissed him on the shoulder. I felt him shaking a little bit, and I asked him, "Are you cold?" I pulled the blanket over us both, and snuggled in even deeper, kissing him on the neck. Jimmy giggled. He's got a thing about kisses on the neck. That's like...his 'spot'.

That's when Jimmy said to me, "Hehehe, I'm not trembling because I'm cold, you dork. I'm trembling because....you're awesome." I gave him a weird look and he's like, "Don't act so surprised. You're just...sighhh....Jesus Christ, Billy...."

I'm like, "What?"

And he says, "Nothing. It's just...God...I just knew you'd be like this."

I asked, "Like what?"

Jimmy seemed almost embarrassed to say it out loud, but he eventually says, "I knew you'd be the kind of boy who would, like...hold me. You know? You'd hold me, and whisper in my ear, and kiss me on my neck...I just knew that you'd be the kind of guy who would really protect me and make me feel...'wanted'. AJ would never do this. Even Lee wouldn't do this with me. You're just....you're so....UGH!"

I giggled to myself. I said, "You sound frustrated."

He's like, "I am. Because...you're just too perfect for me, Billy. You're too perfect for anybody. I honestly feel like the rest of my life is going to be all downhill from this very moment. How can life get any better than this?"

With a wicked twinkle in my eye, I said, "I don't know. Let me see if I can find a few ways..." And I dove right back into the side of his neck while reaching around to take hold of his rejuvenated hardness and we began the love making ritual all over again. That boy is soooo tight! You can't even imagine! And he's so excited to be with me, that his hole and snug tunnel kinda 'vibrates' when I'm inside him. If you've never felt the sensation....it's the most mindblowing experience you'll ever have. EVER!

When Jimmy left tonight, I was almost too weak to walk straight. My body was buzzing with this sensation of total bliss. I couldn't stop kissing Jimmy's lips. It made him laugh to see me so into him all of a sudden. And I cherished every moment that I spent with him. So why can't I just say 'I love you'? The thought is right there in the front of my mind. I want Jimmy, Jimmy definitely wants me. Everything is falling into place. This should be easy. I should tell him. I'm gonna tell him. Imagine how AWESOME Jimmy is going to feel when I finally tell him what he's waiting to hear for YEARS now! Imagine the elation of having your dream boy finally give in and embrace you the way you've always wanted him to. He'll freak out! Hehehe!

Yeah, I should tell him. I mean, it was so easy with Brandon. It was practically bursting out of the back of my throat. I couldn't have held it back if I tried when it came to him. I don't see why Jimmy should be any different. After the hot time we had today, it's time that I start thinking about making things official. I mean...what am I waiting for, right?

Anyway, those are my random thoughts for today. God...I feel like I need to jack off again before bed. He's so HOT! I never knew Jimmy LaPlane could be so damn HOT!!! Gotta go!

Seeya later!

- Billy