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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I got the most random email from Lee today.
Random, as in...why the hell did he send me an email?
Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean...there didn't seem to be any animosity involved with it. It was really short and to the point and it appeared to just be a friendly way of saying 'hello' after a long time of us not talking to one another. But...it struck me as being a bit odd. Especially considering that his very last words to me were, 'Fuck you, Billy!'
Did I answer?
No. I didn't answer. Not yet, anyway. Partly because I didn't know what to say. And partly because...well...I don't know. Maybe I just felt like I was harboring some of the hurt that caused him to ignore and not talk to me in the first place. So this was my way of...like...getting back at him. You know? Like...'This is how it feels to want to talk to somebody and have them not give a SHIT about how you feel about it.' So I left him to dangle. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel a slight pinch of guilt because of it.
What can I say? I care about Lee. A lot. It'll never be love, because Lee is so emotionally distant that I'd have better luck loving an inanimate sea shell from the beach. But...he's still a cool person. Someone that I have fun with. He just...he doesn't know how to...whatever. I just hope he's happy now with Randall. And I hope Randall is cool with never having to know whether Lee is happy or not. Because, God help the guy who asks him to express it in a way that's...you know...satisfactory. Hell, even a mediocre 'hello' once in a while would be preferable to doing all the work yourself.
Anyway, it just struck me as odd. Curiosity kills. Just seeing his name in my inbox made me remember what it was like to kiss him on the lips. Soft and slow. Lee was a really good kisser. Ugh. does this mean that he's officially my 'Ex'? Were we ever really boyfriends to begin with? It can be hard to label and define these things sometimes.
Anyway, I called Jimmy again this morning. I thought that I could just talk to him as a buddy, like we used to...but the moment he answered the phone, I got all hot and bothered and found myself trying to get him to come over to my house again. I don't know whether Jimmy is aware of it or not, but he really holds, like, this...this...POWER over me! His voice alone makes me want to fuck the living SHIT out of him! It's crazy!!! I'm not usually like this. Well...not always. But Jimmy truly brings out the freak in me! He inspires the deepest, darkest, most lust-worthy, feelings that I own. And NOW? Now whenever he's close enough for me to reach out and touch him...all I want to do is suck on those sensuous lips of his and feel his naked flesh sliding up and down over my own...begging me to slide into that tight, moist, passionately heated, hole of his. I thought that I'd be able to control myself if I watched the webcam video he sent me before calling him. I thought that I could just...have a quick 'squirt' and I could be normal after that. But when Jimmy picked up the phone, and he started talking to me with that...that...CUTE ass voice of his...all I could think about was the way he held onto my back and my ass as I was thrusting into him as hard as my young body would allow. I thought about his pinky little tongue running circles around the tip of my shaft. I thought about his heavy breaths and his boyish whimpers as I pumped and pushed myself to orgasm over and over again in the clutching warmth of his hungry asshole. And I suddenly noticed that I was rock hard and trying, desperately, to get Jimmy to come over for the third day in a row!
The thing is...Jimmy told me that his mom was taking him out today for lunch and some shopping for stuff the house. Like...he didn't have any way out of it. She had pretty much Shanghai'd my sweetheart for the whole afternoon. I don't even know why she was HOME! It's a weekday, dammit! Parents should just let us kids run wild on weekdays when it comes to Summer break! What the fuck is she doing having a day off? You KNOW???
Anyway...I tried to convince to come over anyway. I was rubbing my hard erection the whole time, but he just couldn't find a way to get some freedom from his mom today. Which SUCKED, because I KNOW that he wanted to! If Jimmy had come over today...my GOD! I would have fucked him so **HARD**!!! I don't think I've ever jacked off as hard as I did when I found out that Jimmy couldn't come over today. I mean, I just wanted one more long and naughty day of hot boy sex before I started my new job tomorrow.
Is it weird that I found myself actually being MAD at Jimmy for not...you know...satisfying me sexually today? I'm not a really mean or evil person. I swear, I'm not. But...I don't know...
The fact that Jimmy couldn't be here with me...the fact that he couldn't be what I needed him to be...it just pissed me off. You know? I wish that I wasn't so selfish, but it's true. I was ANGRY! I wanted him and he couldn't be bothered. That's how it felt. I had this fucked up attitude like, "FINE! Fuck him then! Who needs him if he's gonna be like this!" I wish that I could feel guilty about even thinking that, but I don't. Jimmy just...he fucked up my whole day today by being absent. Totally 'absent'.
Why was I mad?
I couldn't really tell. But I was. I was Billy 'Fucking' Chase, you know? here was a time when Jimmy would have stuck his right hand in a garbage disposal for a chance to even TALK to me! And now that he's gotten a taste of what it's like to be Billy Chase's love-boy...he wants to take it for granted. Dpoes he know that I can find somebody else to fuck tomorrow if I really wanted to? What makes him think that HE'S so special that he can play with my emotions this way? That he can just dismiss my needs and pretend that it doesn't matter? Guess what, Jimmy...what YOU won't do...other boys will do! Willingly! They will LOVE every minute of it too! I'm not in the mood to play mind games with Jimmy when I know that I can call AJ at any minute and get off, like, a HUNDRED times! Right?
So...yeah...those were my initial thoughts.
I have to admit that.
And even if it makes me sound like an asshole...I can't deny that those were the exact feelings that I was having. It took me right back to my relationship with Brandon. And he was sooooo worried about what his dad would think about him being gay, and us not having anywhere to go to be alone, and all the issues involved with us being together. And you know what? Bobby Jinette didn't have those issues. LEE didn't have those issues. Neither does Jimmy. So why stress myself out and force myself to love and care about Brandon when there are soooo many other boys who won't make me jump through the hoops of fire that Brandon does in order to love them? Right?
Other people actually make an effort to be with me, you know? So...you know...who gives a SHIT? Right?
The thing is...
..Despite how much Brandon's lack of affection and total dismissal of my feelings for him at every turn....
...He stays on my mind. :(
I can't seem to shake the memory of how much hemeans to me. How much 'I tried to love him with every ounce of my being when we were together. I would hve given him the world and MORE, you know? I just....I wish I could forget that he was ever a part of my life at all. I wish I could forget how badly it hurt when he 'changed' on me. How he LIED to me! I wish I could forget how easily I felt for his initial, bullshit, plea for my heart. I never would have given it to him if I knew that he'd turn into....'this'. I would have told him NO if I knew that he'd grow to treat me like this.
My heart is broken. Broken to the point where I don't even know love when it's standing right in front of me. Maybe that's what is keeping me from loving Jimmy LaPlane like I should. This stupid ((**STUPID**)) notion that Brandon is going to someday give enough of a FUCK about me to change his mind and come back to me. Back to what was....sighhhh...perfection. I hold on to dead emotions when I should be embracing something new. Something that loves me back. Something that tells me...I'm not wasting my fucking time.
Is Jimmy that guy for me? Is he?
< I just don't know anymore. Because as much as I love Jimmy for the moment...I think about the future, an I don't see us just....having fun together as adults. Or old men. I don't see us 'being' there for each other when it really matters. Not that jimmy isn't a close friend. But it's not the kind of trust and freedom that I would want from a soulmate. Not even close.
Yeah...it's retarded. I know it is. Here's 'poor Billy chase'...he has EVERYTHING he could possibly want...and he's still whining, complaining, bitching, and moaning, about what he can't have! How pathetic is that?
I just...I'm NOT high maintenance. I want the SIMPLEST of things in life. And sometimes I feel like people just don't give enough of a shit to give it to me. When...if the roles were reversed, I'd provide them with everything that they could ever want. So why am I not worthy? You know?
whatever. Like I said...I think I was just upset because Jimmy couldn't compel himself to make me happy today, when it would have taken SO little. You know? I mean...how much time was he going to spend with his mom? Two hours? Three? That leaves fucking TWENTY TWO HOURS in his day to pay me some goddamn ATTENTION!!! I don't get 30 seconds? I don't warrant that? After making him cum in his pants, he can't give me a damn PHONE CALL???
Sighhh....no, I'm not going to do this. I'm being an asshole, aren't I? I should stop. I'll write it here in this book, but when it comes to Jimmy in person...I'll just....swallow it all. I won't say a word. Promise. I hope things get better, but...for now, I'll swallow and surpress it all and just...bottle it up so it won't matter anymore.
I need a special boy in my life. And right now...Jimmy is that guy. I don't want to mess this up. I'm trying. Ok? Really. Let it be immortalized in my writing here...I'm trying to be good and compromise with what I want and what I can actually 'have'....
But it isn't easy. :(
Maybe one day I'll just shrug my shoulders and pretend that it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe I'll just give in and submit to a life of doing 'without' the things that I had dreamed about for oh so long. Maybe...
Anyway, I hate to end this entry on such a sad note. Because I'm NOT sad. (I don't think)
I don't mean to be depressing. I just need time to re-evaluate my life, and maybe...find a way to suffocate who I am, so I can be who Jimmy LaPlane wants me to be.
After all...he won't accept me any other way. And I'd rather be miserable and frustrated than abandoned and alone. I know that it doesn't seem like much of a conselation prize....
...But it's all I've got.
My heart doesn't know anything better. Maybe it never will.
Gotta run. I'll be back tomorrow with more...