- Fight! Fight! Fight! Omigod!!! There was a BIG fist fight outside of the Chemistry Lab today! It was fucking awesome! A good match-up too! The loser was given parting gifts in the form of a bloody nose and a serious black eye! The winner left with a bruised cheek, and the cheers of his fellow classmates. You know....I really hate to admit my own 'savagery' by saying that I enjoyed this, when deep down I feel like I should be repulsed by it. But the truth is, I think we all have this weird evil instinct that makes us WANT to see a good punch thrown every once in a while. Some kind of enraged burst of violence that shows the whole damn world that one of us has simply had enough of the bullshit! Not just RANDOM violence, mind you...but violence that's being directed RIGHT at the person who's been asking for it, beyond your ability to spare him the fucking damage. Seeing somebody haul off and hit the source of his current troubles like that....wow...it's like a release from all of our frustrations sometimes. Making us wish that we could have done it first. Making everybody in the surrounding area sigh in relief as some of that daily tension dissolves into the air. It's like we feed the fighters this...'mental energy' that keeps the scrap going until we ALL feel better and can get back to what we were doing before. How many times have I secretly wished that I could hit one of my classmates? Or my teachers? Or the security guards for hassling me just because I don't have a fucking hall pass? Or my PARENTS even, on rare occasions? Even Sam has gotten a bad thought or two from me every now and then. I guess I can say that I truly feel better after having seen that today. And people wonder why violence is so rampant in every culture on the planet. Because for every person willing to smash his fist into the face of the asshole in front of him...there's a thousand people supposedly too 'civilized' to do the same. And by 'civilized'....I mean that we bury the fury deep inside and hold it in until we're all ready to snap like a dry twig.
Anyway, in other news...AJ called me tonight! Which was MAJORLY cool! He actually said that he missed me! Isn't that sweet? You know, I think that even though I am SO wrapped up in him and the idea of having a boyfriend...I'm really kinda scared to just....'go for it', you know? Tonight, more than ever, I had the strange urge to just stop him in mid sentence and find the guts to let him know how I really felt about him. To maybe just say, "AJ...I love you." and see how he responded. Take my chances, you know? But I couldn't do it. I chickened out every time I took a breath. Why is it so scary to tell him? I mean, I'm sure he knows, right? You'd think that I'd be able to gather up some confidence now that I know that all of the cards are stacked in my favor. He's cute, I'm attracted to him, he's attracted to me, we're both gay, we have fun together, we talk, we have stuff in common....it's the most comfortable thing in the world. There's only ONE little part of the process left to go...and that's saying the words 'I love you'. I just...can't do it. Somehow, I don't think I'll get as lucky this time as I did with Joanna telling me she wants me. That situation just happened to fall into place all by itself, and every step worked out mostly because of her initiation of it. So if this thing with AJ is going to go anywhere, I certainly hope he'll give me the same mercy and make a couple more 'first moves' so I can follow him into something hot.
What really kinda scared me though, was when he said that he wants to see my 'cute face' again. I giggled and told him I'd be there at the mall on Saturday. And he said, "With your friends?"
And I said, "Um......yeah. Probably."
So HE says, "How about, we go somewhere ELSE this weekend instead then? Just you and me?"
"Really?" I was really kinda taken by surprise when he suggested that, and he giggled in the sexiest way, and said...
"I'll ditch my friends, if you ditch yours. Besides, I wanna be 'alone' with you." Do you hear that??? Read that line again! Cause it's written word for word! "I wanna be alone with you." Meaning ME! Sighhhhhh.....God....I could read that line over and over again all day long! So, at this point I'm literally trembling from head to toe, and told him that'd be cool. I was blushing so hard I thought I'd pass out. AJ was happy, and told me, "I'll call you Saturday morning, and we'll make plans then, ok?" I think I giggled for the next five minutes straight without saying much of anything. And then we said goodbye and hung up. So...this is it. This is TOTALLY it! Like...an actual DATE this time. I've never liked a boy and really seen any kind of true possibility in it before. But NOW...this feels like it could actually 'happen'! This is even BIGGER than what I felt with Simon! This is like....fireworks going off inside of my stomach! I've gotta pick out some clothes to wear!!!
I'm going to get some beauty sleep for this weekend, starting tonight. Just so I'll look extra sexy for my boyfriend-in-training! Hehehe! So I'm gonna end this here.
OH...one other thing...I told my dad tonight about the bowling party tomorrow. And he kinda...got all weird on me. He gave me a hug, and it was so..'emotional'. He said, "Go, and have a good time, ok? Here's some extra money." And he gave me like TWENTY BUCKS! For no reason. Which was kinda cool, but the look on his face was so...I don't know...weird. I can't really describe it. Then he says, "I love you, Billy," and goes back into the living room to watch TV by himself. I don't know if maybe that's some leftover worry from the whole situation with Jimmy's suicide attempt or what...but it felt 'different'. I hope everything is ok.
Anyway, bedtime. Later.
- Missy's birthday party was tonight, and she had it at the local bowling lanes past Main Street. We all had a really awesome time tonight too! That place is amazing! It's not just bowling lanes with a burger joint attached. This place had lots of spinning lights and lasers, and loud music, and at the end of the lanes were big screens showing music videos! It was like being in some weird futuristic disco...but bowling at the same time! Anyway, Joanna and I came together as a couple, of course. And Sam joined up with us a bit later. Lee, Ted, and Ted's girlfriend showed up right behind Sam. You know, I've really gotta learn Ted's girlfriend's name. For some odd reason, I keep forgetting it, and it's embarrassing to have to ask every fifteen minutes. I can't just keep calling her Ted's Girlfriend. And I'm sure she'd be opposed to "hey you" after the second time I did it. For now, I'll just make sure I'm looking directly at her when I'm talking and hope that she gets the message without making me call her by name. At least until I can find a clever way of figuring out a way to remember without writing it on the palm of my hand.
Mellissa had a lot more friends than I expected to be there. There was like 20 of us at least, and they all brought cards and gifts. Thankfully, Joanna got her a gift certificate to her favorite clothing store in the mall and let me put my name on the card. Ahhh...joint gifts, another pleasurable benefit to being one half of a couple. We took up about six lanes, side by side, and bowled for free for like three hours. Lee was being his usual adorable self tonight, and I kept trying to imagine what it would be like to make out with him. Hehehe, I'm serious! He's very 'make-out-able'! He's taller than me, so I'd practically be on my tip toes. But I'll just bet you he's a dynamite kisser though. At one point, he dipped his finger in his ice cream and smeared it on the end of my nose! Hehehe, not for any particular reason, of course! He just did it because he could. So I grabbed his shoulders and tried to wipe my nose off on his shirt. He was struggling and we were both laughing until I finally smashed myself into him. Wow....having my face pressed against Lee's flat, sexy, chest, feeling him vibrate as he laughed, and smelling that awesome 'cute boy' scent of his...I got so HARD! I'm serious! I had to stop and make sure that nobody else noticed. Geez...I've gotta stop being such a slut with my thoughts! Hehehe! But I can't help it! He's so fucking CUTE! I'm crazy about him, hehehe!
Speaking of cute and dirty thoughts...Bobby Jinette showed up at the party too. And he made an effort to talk to me every now and then. Which was cool. I don't think he and I have much in common at all, but he tried to make it seem like we did. There were a lot of uncomfortable pauses here and there, but I tried to make him smile when I could. I even asked him to play teams with us...but he got red in the face and turned it down. He hardly talked to me at all after that. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Hehehe, but I was glad that we at least got to talk. Since he likes 'checking me out' so much when I'm half naked! Now if only I could get Jamie Cross to look at me that way.
Missy got kisses from all the boys at the party. She kinda made it a rule So I gave her a peck on the lips, and she hugged me around the neck to hold it for a bit longer. Some of her friends giggled and whooped and hollered for us until we let go. I think I blushed purple when she did that! But hey, anything for some birthday cake, right? I certainly hope I didn't make Bobby Jinette jealous! Hehehe!
Sam and I were actually getting along pretty easily tonight, which means that our little spat must be over with. Or at least healing itself up nicely. I kinda wanted to make an official apology to him...you know, just to make sure that everything was ok between us. But things were going so well that I didn't wanna jinx it. Besides, him and Joanna were having so many laughs together that I hardly had a chance. I sure am glad she's become the glue holding us together, because we might still be mad at each other if we didn't share mutual friends. I guess I should just be happy with what I've got going now. Maybe I'll try calling Sam on Sunday. Once we talk to each other, just one on one, I'll be able to tell for sure whether or not some stupid fight was enough to cost me my best friend.
Somehow, I doubt it.
Anyway, that's it for now. Very good party, very good night, very kinky thoughts...a typical day for yours truly. TOMORROW, however, is gonna be very different indeed! Tomorrow is my DATE with AJ, and I wanna look my best! So expect full details on the next entry! I hope I've got something HOT to write in here! Hehehehe! Later!
- Oh wow....oh man.....ok, I HAVE to make sure to document this as one of the *BEST* FUCKING DAYS OF MY LIFE!!!! I feel like CRYING right now, I'm SOOOO happy!!! I think my face is gonna fucking break open if I smile any bigger than I am right now! Everything was just PERFECT! The whole damn day...the whole damn WORLD was.....it was....just...perfect.
AJ and I didn't want to go anywhere near the mall today, because our friends would surely be there. This was still a pretty 'covert operation' for me, so I KNOW I didn't tell any of my friends that I was going out with somebody else today. But...I sometimes wonder if AJ told his friends about me. I wonder if maybe he mentioned me in some roundabout way. Or if maybe he just gushes about this boy with a cute face that he's spending time with and hopes he can jump his bones soon! Hehehe! I don't know if he likes me that much, but he sure makes me feel like he does.
Whenever AJ looks at me, you would have thought that he was staring at an angel. And that's sooo....COOL! Especially coming from somebody so fucking beautiful. Anyway, we went to the lake today, and he brought us some sub sandwiches he made at home to eat and a radio to listen to. Sort of a picnic, but not really. He likes the same radio station I like! Isn't that hot? We sat on these giant rocks at the lake's edge and just laughed and talked and really took some time to ask each other some questions and get to know one another. The sun was shining, the waves were pure blue, there was a warm and gentle breeze blowing through his hair....I tell you, it was Heaven on Earth.
Then....came the BEST part of the day!!! I couldn't have asked for anything better! I just....I never expected...sighhhhh...
AJ was talking to me about one time when he was in boy scout camp, walking across a river on a log, and somehow he lost his balance when a dragonfly zipped by his head. So he teetered for a second or two and fell backwards into the ice cold murky water! He said he was SO mad at first, but everybody around him was laughing so hard that he couldn't keep a straight face. Just hearing him tell the story, I couldn't keep from giggling myself. And that's when he stops grinning, and...he says, "You have the cutest laugh, you know that?"
And I said, "No, I don't." But kept laughing anyway.
Then...out of NOWHERE...AJ is like, "Can I kiss you?" I stopped laughing that INSTANT! My eyes burst open, and I was just...in shock! I didn't expect him to ask me that! Like...EVER!
I tried to laugh it off a little, just in case he was kidding. And he giggled with me. So I said, "Shut up."
"No...I'm serious." He says, and I stop laughing again, and that scary feeling was hitting me REALLY hard, but I tried to push it out of my mind long enough to say something.
"You wanna kiss me? Honestly?" I asked.
And he's all like..."I've wanted to kiss you from the moment I saw you in the mall, Billy. And every second since then. I think you're gorgeous." His face was so serious, and I got so nervous that I felt like I was totally falling apart.
There were people EVERYWHERE! Joggers, rollerbladers, bicyclists, kids, people walking their dogs, skateboarders....we were right out in the open! So I'm like, "Right HERE? Right NOW?" And he nods and says, "Right here, right now." Then, when I blush and don't say anything, he says, "Please?" Awwww, he was so CUTE about it! I was literally melting right in front of him!
"Hehehe! What about all these people?" I ask, trying not to giggle out loud. What is it about being nervous in front of a boy that you like that makes you giggle so damn much? I feel like a dork!
"I don't care about 'them'. I wanna kiss you. I've been dreaming about this." He told me, and with a smile, he starts leaning forward like he's TOTALLY gonna do it. I get scared and lean back away from him, so he just grins at me. "C'mon, Billy...kiss me!"
"Um....I dunno, dude." I WANTED to! GOD, did I want to!!! But this was all just a bit too sudden...and...'revealing' for me. You know? Shit, he looked sooo good though.
So, AJ starts looking around a little bit, and he says, "We can go into that bathroom over there by the soda machine, if you want."
I'm like, "Hehehe! You wanna kiss me in the bathroom?"
"Well, you don't wanna do it out here!" He laughed, and when I didn't answer right away, he took me by the hand, and he got up on his feet. "C'mon" He looked SO hot as he pulled me up, and he just....I didn't know what to DO! So I got up with him and followed him to the public park bathroom! I was soooo hard at that moment! It was almost impossible to walk while I was sticking out like that. I was sure the whole damn park could see my boner practically poking AJ in the back as he held my hand, leading me off some place private. I can't even EXPLAIN how excited I was.
There was only one other guy in there when we got in, and AJ and me pretended to be washing our hands until he left. Just seeing that man dry his hands and walk to the door....it made my pulse race. We were only seconds away from being completely alone! As soon as the door closed behind him, AJ smiled and hurried me into the furthest stall on the right with him. God...I couldn't believe that I was about to do this! He locked the door, smiled at me while looking in my eyes, and he just let his arms rest on my waist for a few seconds. "You ready?" He asked, and he looked into my eyes really deep....and he just waited for me to say something. I couldn't! I was too nervous! But with a grin, I hesitated for a second, and then I nodded. I took a deep breath, trying not to shake too badly. Then AJ leans forward, and I see his eyes closing, and my eyes start closing, and then.....WOW!
HE *KISSED* ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He really kissed me! It was a few seconds before I actually let my eyes close all the way...but once I did, I kinda relaxed a little bit. It didn't take more than a second or two to figure out that he was MUCH better at kissing than Jimmy LaPlane was! This was like...making me weak in the STOMACH here! His lips felt soooo soft and so good against mine, and I could feel him breathing, and sometimes he would lean his head to the right and kiss me for a few seconds that way....and then he'd tilt to the left for a bit. And then back again. I felt like I was going to run out of breath, but I didn't care! My stiffy was straining like never before, and I thought I was seriously about to cum just from KISSING him! Especially when his hands started rubbing up and down my sides a little bit, and he pulled me closer. I could feel my shirt lifting a little bit, and one time...I felt his bare fingers touch the side of my stomach...almost making me whimper out loud.
Then we heard the bathroom door open, and someone else was coming into the room. So I pulled away and our lips parted with a little smacking sound I got scared that someone might have heard us, especially since I was breathing so hard. My whole body was tingling, and my heart was beating so fast that I could hear it pounding in my ears. But AJ used his fingers on my chin to direct me back to look him in the eye, and he gave me the cutest little smirk. He rubbed his nose back and forth against mine, and then kissed me again. But I wanted to wait until we were totally alone in there, so I stopped. He just grinned, and I bit my bottom lip, trying not to smile. I snickered a bit, and he put his finger to his soft lips to silently tell me to hush. We waited until the guy was gone, and then he instantly kissed me again, but harder this time! And his body was rubbing against me as he pressed me up against the stall door! And he started to kiss my neck and run his fingers through my hair....oh GOD! It was AWESOME! I was moaning and sighing and I just couldn't stop! When I tried, it just came out as a high pitched whimper instead! My boner was tingling SO badly! I was sure I couldn't hold out for much longer! When he came back up to kiss me on the lips again with his tongue, I grabbed his butt!!! I DID! I grabbed his ass with both hands, and he pressed his hardness into mine, and I pressed back! This was like....WOW!!!!! You know? This was the most exciting thing I've ever done with a boy before! Or with ANYBODY! I felt like I was in a movie! And I just hope that I was as exciting to him as he was to me! AJ was like...one of the cutest boys in the whole world, and he was kissing ME! It felt like we were floating!
Somebody else came in, and we waited. But someone ELSE came in after him! And then we heard someone go into a stall. So we kinda figured that our playtime was over. For now anyway. But before leaving the stall, he kissed me again, just really quick, and he whispered, "Thank you. It was everything I knew it would be." And we left. My hair was all messed up, and my face was all flushed and red, but even if I had fixed it all up, the goofy smile on my face was pretty permanent for the rest of the afternoon. I didn't even think of the fact that we both left the stall at the same time. That must have looked...um...weird. AJ told me to call him soon and said that we'll go some place more 'private' next time. Which could mean a BUNCH of things! But if it means more kissing like this...then I'm DEFINITELY going to tell him yes! He just became my top priority, over everything else in existence! AJ is officially the most important thing in my world! So.....it looks like I might have a boyfriend now! An actual BOYFRIEND!!! AHHH! This is awesome! A perfect day! A perfect LIFE! Absolutely PERFECT!
I'll be honest, I've jacked off at LEAST five times tonight thinking about AJ, and I'm probably gonna get in another three before bed! In fact, I'm going to start right now! Because writing this down has gotten me all hot and bothered again! I'll see you soon! I'm gonna remember this day forever! You hear me? FOREVER!!!!
-Billy (Dazed and Horny)