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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)


- I don't really feel right about it.

I think it was the fact that my subconscious went wild with dreams of Brandon's love last night that caused me to want Jimmy sooooo badly today. I actually was thinking that it might be a good idea to lay off for a while and just let know, communicate and stuff. It didn't seem fair to me, treating him like some second rate substitute for what my heart was craving most of all. I'm thinking that this is just a temporary moment of guilt and pleasure and confusion combined. It was Stevie, coming into my store and disrupting my normal thought processes with false ideas of what could never ever happen again. Not ever. It felt like he was making promises that he couldn't deliver on. Discoveries that he couldn't prove. Asking for the kind of blind faith that he couldn't justify through words of hope and redemption alone. I could do without the conflict. I was trying to take the first steps towards being happy again. Just now finding ways to live with my bad hasty irreversible mistakes. I went through a long period where I'm sure most people just HATED me for what I had turned into. But I was lost. Looking for a fix in all the wrong places. A Justin Bieber train wreck without the paparazzi around to make my downfall 'important' to anyone who cared to listen.

And yet....Stevie had suddenly touched a piece of my heart that hadn't been touched in oh so long. A place of true, unlimited, joy. Of true love.

It hadn't gone anywhere. I can't even claim to have forgotten it. I just covered it up with as much emotional dirt and misery as I could, so I could convince myself that it didn't matter anymore.

But it did....didn't it?

Of all the hearts that I've tried to align myself with in the past...Brandon was the first, maybe even the only, one who knew how to accept, appreciate, and give it back to me in excess. It took Stevie's little surprise visit to remind me of that. And you know what? I'm sorta pissed at him for that.

I didn't WANT to remember! Did Stevie ever think of that? Did he ever stop and think that maybe it would just be better if I forgot the whole thing ever happened? Let it go? Start over from scratch and just...find someone who wouldn't hurt me the way he did? Who wouldn't hurt him the way that I did? There have got to be couples out there who don't go through this kind of life altering heartache just to be together. Can't I be one of them? Just once? Am I not worthy? Am I not welcome into that elite club of people who actually LIKE being in love?

Sighhhhh...I just wish that was as easy a question to answer as it sounds. But it isn't. Because love is pain. They go hand in hand. If I was *too* happy with another person...something would be missing. Not even Sam and I could pull that one off for more than a week or two at a time. How crazy is that? It makes NO fucking sense at all!

Is ANYTHING about this 'emotion' stuff supposed to be fair??? Because I haven't experienced that part of it yet!

You know...the craziest part of the Brandon dream that I remembered when I woke up this morning...was that it wasn't really a sexual dream at all. I mean, I'm sure that I could go back into some of my older journal books and read about how I tongue kissed Brandon with a fever, and how he walked through my front door and instantly stripped down in front of me so we could jump on the bed and kiss and suck and fuck and grind and hump each other like two eager puppies until we came all over the place, and then tangled up to kiss and cuddle until we were able to do it again ten minutes later. I KNOW that stuff is in there, because I felt it! It happened! GOD, he was hot! I don't know why Brandon bothered to wear clothes at all. Hehehe!



Last night....I just dreamt about Brandon's kiss. Not even a deep or lustful kiss. Just...Brandon being Brandon, I guess.

He had a way of kissing me and really making me believe it, you know? He had a way of holding me close that made me feel like I was the only important person on this planet to him. He had a way of looking into my eyes that made me....totally vulnerable. It destroyed me inside, each and every time. But something about his carefree affection was able to build me back up with a casual construct that elevated me to a position of high priority almost instantly. A level of beauty that I thought I could only see in other people

Brandon was the first person who allowed me to see that same beauty in myself. He went out of his way to do so. And in his eyes...I could do no wrong. Not since my MOM have I been loved so unconditionally.

Little whispers...

That's what I think I remember most.

Nothing special. Nothing monumental. fact, if I had to think about it rationally, it was just the hints of a non-important casual conversation in the making. Certainly not highly thought out expressions of love or sonnets of skilled poetry meant for a prince or princess. Just....'talk', you know? Regular talk. But...Brandon would roll over on top of me, and he'd smile the whole time. Not a full smile, but a flirtatious smirk of sorts. I remember how it would make me tremble inside to know that he cared for me sooooooo much. It was hard to comprehend. Even harder to handle. And Brandon would be right there, with these mellow, non-threatening, whispers of shameless affection...that seductive smile hovering over me as our noses rubbed together lightly...our lips so close that they would lightly touch while we were talking to one another. We were SO helpless. Forced to give into the gentle kisses that were inspired by the intimate chit chat we were engaged in whenever we were quiet like this. Brandon used to say the sweetest things to me. Hahaha! And I'd totally choke, because I had nothing to tell him return. But it never mattered. He just gave everything he had...and all he needed was my smile and a nod to let him know that I embraced it. Nothing more. Thank goodness. Because, I don't think I had enough brains or courage to give him even a FRACTION of the lovey dovey, heart pounding, giggle inducing, speeches like had had to offer. I only wish I knew how.

Hehehe, God...that all seems so long ago. But I loved every minute of it. When I die, and my life flashes before my eyes for the last time...that's what I'm going to remember. Brandon's weight on top of me, and the soft whispers of how much he loved me more than anything in this world. And how he always will.

That know...back then though. A memory is all it is now....

All it can ever be. A sappy fairy tale to tell whoever I settle for in the future....nothing more...


K, I need to change the subject now...


Jimmy LaPlane....

He's so CUTE!!! You know??? (How's that for changing gears?) He IS though, seriously! :) I'm totally into Jimmy LaPlane now, and that's all there is to it! My freshly redefined fantasy boy. He shows up at my doorstep when I call him, his lips touch mine the second he steps in the house, and he's like...trouble free. Like I said, I can do without the conflict. And...and then...he comes over and we rush to the bedroom as fast as we possibly can. We strip, we fall back on the bed, and! He blows my mind! Hehehe! When Jimmy is naked, he's like a whole different animal from what he is when he's at school. Soooooo HOT! And sex? Jimmy definitely knows how to please. Hehehe! I think Jimmy has actually been increasing the levels of my orgasms with every visit. They were never this strong and this awesome until I got together with him about two weeks ago and made this relationship official. He's AWESOME! He really is. And I'm not just saying that. Jimmy and I do more than just have sex. We talk too sometimes. We laugh. We have a lot in common, Jimmy and I. We were friends for MONTHS before this whole 'friends with benefits' thing happened. And you wanna know what he said to me? He's like, "I love you, Billy!"

And I'm like, "I love you too, Jimmy." And felt right. No hesitation. No guilt. I didn't have to think about it. It's getting easier. I fucked him hard, and he took it like a champion. His ass gripped me like a vice, and I came sooooo hard inside of him! Like...I take the gloves off when it comes to having sex with Jimmy. He totally lets me violate him in the meanest way, and...I don't know...that's kinda hot to me, because he's so into it. I can push myself in and out of him until my thighs are slapping hard against his ass, until his hole has been battered and abused, and he can barely stand after I'm finished. And he knows JUST how to satisfy me too. Jimmy's not one to hold back. Jimmy's not one to beat around the bush or try to slow things down with all that mush and stuff. Jimmy's not....he's not.....I mean...he's NOT....



He's not Brandon....

I mean...he's not. Is he? Not even close. Those sparks, those gentle tickles in my heart, those overwhelming....feelings of being special....

...They just weren't there.

And, I mean...I was fucking Jimmy SO hard today!!! His constricted hole was gripping my slickened shaft with a vengeance, and his tongue totally invaded my mouth while I pumped into him with everything that I had. God, Jimmy's body is sooooo JUICY and sweet sometimes! It really is!!! And yet...ugh...


I suck so bad!!!!

What was missing????? What is the hidden element! I keep coming back to this, and I keep coming up empty handed. I mean, it's not like it was AJ or Bobby Jinette....where I could clearly pinpoint the missing link! Jimmy and I were friends! CLOSE friends! And now we were lovers too! Which is even better. So....what tiny little broken connection existed between those two places that keeps screwing it all up??? The sex was AWESOME! The conversation, even better! But I just....I just....

...I wasn't in love.

I tried to be this time. I really did. satisfied as I was for short moments of bliss...I still had lingering thoughts of Brandon's smile in my head. Still fantasized about his strong arms wrapped around me, and whispering sweet nothings in my ear while I fought to keep from trembling through the exhausting afterglow of a sexual experience. Something real, and not something that I could have easily gotten from an online porn clip and a few dollops of lotion in my right hand. It disturbed me. It disturbed me a lot, in fact. Just knowing that I'm hopelessly longing for someone who, as far as I know, may want nothing to do with me.

I wrote earlier that I was terrified that Brandon may have been 'the one'. That some divine force had given me the ultimate gift...and I traded it all for a handful of magic beans that turned out to not be so 'magic' after all. Just.....beans. Less than what I had. Less than what I wanted or deserved. Something that anybody can grab a hold of if they really wanted to. Brandon was different. Brandon was priceless.

Like Jimmy told me....I had a hole in me. And I was still trying to fill it with things that looked adequate....but ended up being weakened bricks in the broken levees of my heart, waiting to be knocked over by a storm that was destined to come before I even expected it to hit me full force.


Jimmy told me that I was 'stuck' with him now....

I don't think he meant that in a bad way.... may just end up being like that in the near future.

God, what kind of ASSHOLE am I to even say that about poor Jimmy??? He's totally in love with me! And I...I told him that I felt the same way. We had SEX! A *LOT* of sex!!! I can't just say, 'thanks, but no thanks' now. It would CRUSH him, emotionally! He'd be heartbroken, like....forever!

But...I guess....I guess I just love who I love. Right? I mean...I mean...right?

I should write more about other stuff. I keep telling myself not to write so much about him anymore. But just like when we were together...I just keep him on my mind.

Yeah, enough. I'm so pathetic right now. Moving on...

That would be better.

I DID get a phone call from Trace today, thankfully. So at least I know that nothing too bad happened to him the other night. Trace was like, "Duuuuude, I'm in SO much fucking trouble right now..." But he was actually laughing about it at the time. Which baffled me, because...according to Trace, my dad was totally at Defcon 4 at LEAST with his behavior!!! Had it been me, I would have been in my room, trembling uncontrollably, while waiting for the belt to strike my naked behind before the real punishment even started!

But Trace....I dunno. As a matter of fact, when I think back to our conversation together...Trace still sounded pretty intoxicated while we were talking. Was he even at my dad's house when he called me?

He said, "Your boy, Simon, CANNOT hold his liquor, Billy! Hehehe, you and I are going to have to teach him to party like a rock star, like we do." And...I dunno, maybe it was my dad speaking through me like some kind of ethereal demon or something...but I just found that to be....



But I didn't SAY that! I swear! It's like...that would have been corny and weird. I think....

I asked him, "What were you thinking? Dude, Simon is gonna get in MAJOR trouble!"

Trace chuckled and said, "Simon's already in trouble. What's the difference? If he's gonna be on lockdown for the whole Summer, he might as well go for the full life sentence. He's got nothing to fear after that."

I definitely heard him slur his words that time. And I had to ask, "Trace...are you drinking right now?"

He giggled sloppily and said, "Yep! You got it. My dad's got some good shit left in the house. And Simon wussed out on me so early last night that I've got plenty left over. Hehehe, you should have seen him, Billy! He was sooooo sick! He passed out in the bathtub, if you can believe that."

Trying to get him back on focus, I asked, "Trace? Where are you right now? What are you doing?"

He's like, "I told, doofus. Hehehe, I'm home, baby. My dad's gone. Got the place to myself. Say! You should come over! Come on, Billy, it'll be great! We'll kick back some bottles just like we used to. What do you say?"

I'm like, "What are you doing THERE? Trace, where's my dad? Where's Mikey?"

He said, "Shhhh! Chill, dude. Your pop is totally pissed at me right now. He, like, grounded me. Hehehe, is that crazy or what? Your dad can't ground me, dude. That's just like...'kidnapping' or something."

I said, "What are you talking about?"

Trace's voice got a bit more serious, and he said, "Kidnapping. You know. Right? I mean...I'm not his kid. I mean, right? Am I right?" There was a pause...and when Trace started talking again...I heard a slight sniffle. He's like, "I know I'm not his kid. Mikey's not his kid either. How is he gonna ground me when he's not even gonna be AROUND in a couple of weeks, huh? He'll be long gone. Who's gonna watch me to make sure I stay put? Huh?" I heard him drink more out of the bottle. Enough of a guzzling swig to hear the bubbles gurgle up to the top. Another sniffle, and Trace said, "I mean, I don't care or anything. Good. Let him go. I knew he was just doing you a favor. And it's done. And his conscience is clear...and soon I'm gonna be coming right back here anyway. So I figure...why not stop by and get used to being 'home' again, right? I feel kinda bad, to tell you the truth. Your dad probably couldn't wait to get rid of us. I don't care. Who cares? Not me. I don't. Couldn't...couldn't care less."

Feeling a bit of urgency from the sound of his voice getting more distorted by the second, I said, "Trace? Trace, sit down somewhere and STOP drinking, ok? I'm coming over to get you."

He's like, "Woo hoo! Thatta boy! What do you want to drink? I'll have it ready when you get here..."

I said, "I don't want to drink anything, and I don't want YOU to drink anything either! Ok? Just...promise me you'll stay put!"

Trace snickered a bit. His emotions were all over the place, but if I could just get him to sit down long enough for me to get there, maybe he'll pass out and stop drinking before he ends up with alcohol poisoning or something! But he made the promise, and I ran out the second I hung up the phone. I just tried not to look like I was in too much of a hurry as I left the house. Luckily, my mom is still in a bit of a daze, so she didn't ask where I was going. he just told me not to stay out if it got too dark.

I got over to Trace's house as fast as I could and was thankful that his back door was unlocked. Because he didn't come down when I rang the bell. When I got up to his room, he was half asleep on the floor, leaning against the wall. It took a while to get him to focus, and then he smiled up at me. Wow...his breath nearly knocked me over with the first whiff. Jesus!

I had to squat down and put his arm over my shoulder to help him to his feet...if I can even call it that. The scarecrow in the Wizard Of Oz had better balance. I'm like, "What the fuck are you DOING to yourself? Come on, Trace...this is dangerous!"

He's like, "What? I don't know about you, but I feel pretty good. That's what the ol' sauce does for ya. Makes you feel good. Hehehe!" I tried to get him to stand against the wall long enough for me to get his shoes on for him, but he soon pushed me off of him. He asked, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm taking you home."

He says, "I am home! Don't you get it? YOU go home! I've got...nowhere else to go. Nowhere."

I looked him in the eye and said, "Dude, look...I know that you're upset right now, and I get it. I do. But I can't talk to you when you're like this. Let's get you home so you can sleep this off, get sick, pas out, whatever. And tomorrow we can..."

Bu Trace cut me off and yelled, "You're not LISTENING to me!!!" I watched as he staggered backwards until his shoulders hit the wall, and he reached for an almost empty bottle of spiced rum. He said, "He's gone, Billy. As far as I'm concerned...he's already gone." Trace's forehead wrinkled up slightly...his bottom lip began to quiver, and a stray tear fell from his eye. He tried to hold the following tears back, but they rolled down his cheeks anyway. He's like, "He's gone. He's really gone. Poof. Going off to...his new job, and his new girlfriend, and his new city...running off to go be happy. What about me, Billy? What about MY happiness, huh? Did he think of that? Does he even care? Does he?" He lifted the bottle for a drink, and I reached for it to stop him, but he stumbled further away from me, holding it out of my reach. He said, "Whatever. I don't care. Hear me? Let him go. I don't need him. I don't need anybody. I just need me. Me and Mikey. Nobody else gets to be a part of our lives EVER again! Fuckers! NOBODY CARES!!! NOBODY!!!" Suddenly, Trace raised the bottle for one last sip, and I barely jumped out of the way as he THREW the bottle with all his might up against the wall behind me, screaming, "EVERYBODY SUCKS!!!! FUCKING **EVERYBODY**!!!!"

My heart was racing, a huge mess on the wall and the floor behind me. And it was then that Trace covered his face with both hands and slid down to the floor, sobbing softly while roughly grabbing onto the strands of his hair.

I had never seen anything even remotely close to this before! I had no CLUE as to what I should do for him in that moment. But...seeing him cry like empty, so broken, so scared...I did the only thing that I could do. I walked over to where he was, and silently slid down the wall to sit beside him. Never one to really back away from physical contact when he needed it, Trace leaned over to hug me lovingly around the neck, and I just held him for a while. He reeked of liquor, and I'm sure my shirt had enough tears, snot, and saliva to soak me down to the bone...but I just sat there and gave him all the support that I could. I doubt it was anywhere near enough, but it was all I had to give.

It might have been an hour, maybe a bit less...but eventually, Trace had exhausted himself and was so fatigued that he gave me permission to call my dad to come over to the house and pick him up. He was terrified that my dad was going to hate him for running out and doing this again after he had just been grounded for it the day before. But I know my father. He's not that kind of person. He may be mad about it tomorrow or the next day...but he can't stand by and just let someone he cares about suffer. He's got way too much heart for that.

My father dropped me off at home first while Trace slept in the backseat. My dad even thought to bring a small mop bucket to put on the floor of the car in front of him...just in case. My father gave me the strangest look when I got out of the car. An almost apologetic look. As if I was just as bad off as Trace was when it came to the idea of him leaving me behind. I just didn't have the alcohol consumption to say it out loud.

All in all, it's been a pretty full day. Just when I think I've got things figured...just when I feel like I'm finally standing on solid ground...something comes up and snatches the floor right from under me. Things that I knew about myself...I don't know if I can trust them anymore. Things that I thought I knew about other people...turns out I can't really trust them either. I guess we're all just stumbling around in the darkness, running into one another in this life...all looking for that one person...who will hopefully catch you if you fall.

I'm really tired tonight. I've got to get some sleep. Work tomorrow. I'll be sure to call Trace to see if he's alright in the morning. Maybe I should check in on Simon too. Hell, I didn't even get a chance to talk to Sam today. I guess I kinda bumped him aside when I found out that I could be having sex with Jimmy instead. It can wait. I've had enough drama to last me the rest of the Summer. Geez...

Alright, until later...


- Billy

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