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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And you can win a life sized rubber mold of Kare Hedebrant's juicy round teen booty!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- Something that my mom said to me kinda bothered me today.
Simply enough, she just said, "Billy...your father called earlier today. Be sure you call him back tonight. You should really talk, you two. I mean it. Ok?"
I don't know why that statement bugged me so much, but it did. Why does she feel the need to remind me of stuff like this? It's not like he's dying or anything. He's just moving a bit further away from home than he already is. Most of my interaction with him is on the phone these days anyway. I don't see how his moving out of state is going to be that much different.
But when I tried to subtly make that particular point, my mom gave me this really concerned look, like I had NO idea what I was talking about. And she was like, "It will make a difference, Billy. You'll think differently when he's gone. You'll just have to trust me on this. Alright? I know that it may seem like such a little thing now, but you'll soon regret not making a real effort if you don't do it now."
What was THAT supposed to mean?
My mom just has this perpetual 'big family' oriented fantasy in her head where she wants the relationship between my dad and I to play out like some long lost episode of The Waltons or something. I can't imagine why. My grandparents on my mom's side of the family stayed together and happy until my grampa died. That was almost five years ago. It's not like she's got some kind of traumatically broken home disorder that she's got to live with or try to correct vicariously through me. I don't think my dad does either. If anything, I doubt either one of them really understands what I went through...what I'm still going through...just knowing that they couldn't make it work. Not even for my sake. You kinda grow up figuring that, "I'm here. I exist, right? So they must have loved each other dearly at SOME point, right?" But things change, I guess. And when your parents have become your oldest and most familiar association with love and caring and compromise in your life...and it falls apart without much of a visible reason at all...
...Well...it kinda destroys your faith in love in general. You know? How can love conquer all when it can't even conquer something as simple as a few miscommunications and a need for personal space every now and then? I mean...is that a difficult thing for two adults to work out? Is that something that they can't just...talk about? If they can take me to school, see my games at little league, help me with my homework, cook dinner, and wash dishes, and successfully manage the bills and expenses...you mean to tell me they can't find TEN minutes to talk to one another about what's gone so horribly wrong between them? Like...ever? How can my faith in love NOT be totally shattered over something like that?
If the love that created me, the very reason that I live and breathe at all, isn't strong enough to last and hold a family together...then how can I expect anything more from my own life? You know? HOW???
I try to fantasize and stuff, but I'm 15 years old. How long is that fantasy going to be good enough to get me through the day? I tried to pretend with the likes of Randall and AJ and Jimmy and Robin and a bunch of others...even my best friend, Sam. But it's just my mixed up mind trying to trade one stupid fantasy for another, and I'm sooooo tired of it. Nothing feels real anymore. Nothing else quite matches the feeling I used to try to keep bottled up inside for so long. Hehehe, unsucessfully, I might add.
Sighhh...memories of Brandon can even get me to me laugh at my own suffering sometimes. How odd is that?
Who knows what's going on in my head at any given moment? It's so confusing sometimes. All I know is...I'm learning very quickly that even the most pure and exciting forms of true love and loyalty and affection seem to have a definitive expiration date stamped on them. Some sinister 'boredom clock' attached...continually ticking down towards doomsday when it all comes to an end. I guess that everything after that initial burst of sweetness and devotion is just...comfort, disguised as something more important. Let's be realabout it, you know? That's all it is. Stupid, meaningless, predictable, comfort. That and the paralyzing fear of spending the rest of our lives alone. That's the only emotionally sufficient glue available to us when it comes to holding any long term relationship together for any length of time. Fear and comfort...mortal enemies when you look at them written out like this, but somehow...in our mixed up minds...it makes some kind of illogical sense, doesn't it?
And when it comes to fear and comfort...I guess just 'anybody' will do when it comes to the illusion of love. Why does it have to be me? Or Brandon? Or Sam? Or Joanna? Or Jimmy? Who cares, you know? Anybody cute and tolerable will do, right? Maybe happiness is all a lie. Maybe...happiness is just a slightly advanced version of....'fear and comfort'. And nothing more.
Nothing more.... :(
I think I was more at peace with myself when I believed that I had something more significant to look forward to in my life.
This whole ridiculous idea of perfect love and a soul mate out there who was made JUST for me, and vice versa, is all some stupid dream. Something that only an inexperienced child would hold onto as something real. I mean...it's almost like believing in Santa Claus at this point...
I wish that I could say that I had given up on the idea of finding that ONE boy who could take my life and flip it upside down in such a way that he could own it from that moment on. Someone who could truly heal all of the damage inside of me, and would allow me the chance to do the same for him. Someone I could understand, and who would understand me in return. A symbiotic relationship that would be as easy and as effortless as a babbling brook and the shore on either side. Someone who 'fit'. Someone who 'connected'.
Now that I write it out...such a thing seems more like science fiction than reality. Maybe Hollywood has ruined my sense of perspective in these matters.
But...for a short time...I had real love in my love. I had a boy that twisted me into knots, and I enjoyed every moment of it. For that brief moment in time...I felt as though 'God' was watching...and he wanted what was best for me. If ever there was an argument for the existence of true, never-ending, love...Brandon was it. He was my miracle. And I let him pass me by. :(
I just...let him go. And I didn't even put up the kind of fight worthy of what I lost in the process. Live and learn, I guess...
Sometimes...that hurts more than anything. Because it's too late to wonder what would have happened if I actually tried to get him back. I mean...really TRIED. You know?
Stupid. I'm not going to bring myself down today. I should write something else. This is depressing. I need to find more ways to avoid depressing stuff. Life is better when it's comfortable. I mean....right?
Or is that just more of an example of...you know....'fear and comfort'?
God, am I in the Matrix or what?
I DID have some fun today though. I got to talk to Ian on the phone in the late afternoon because he's still fooling around and getting comfortable with his new HD camera! He made a whole new YouTube account just for the new movies and videos that he's planning to upload! And, hehehe...I have to admit, it's really CUTE to me to see him so passionate about the whole thing! It's like...he thinks 'BIG', you know? You'd think he was making a home video film that would rival the best of Spielberg's work, you know? But, hey...if you don't think big, you don't succeed big. Right? I say go for it! I'm with him all the way!
Ian was like, "Ugh! I just want this to be SOOOO cool! You know? I'm trying out all of the functions and special effects and stuff, and I'm looking all over Youtube to find software that I can use to add effects and stuff. Some of them are pretty cool too! Even the free ones! I just need to practice some until I get everything right so I can figure out how to frame things when it comes to filming!" Then he got all excited and breathless, and said, "BILLY! I've got to get this new script to you as soon as possible so you can look it over and memorize stuff!" I giggled at first, but all playfulness aside, I think that Ian was super serious about this whole Summer film thing. Not in a way that seemed strict or mean or anything....just...something that he was determined to do and get right the first time around. If that makes sense.
It made me smile. Ian was totally dedicated to making this private independent film of his a reality. I thought that was so cool. Everybody should have something in their lives that they're really passionate about, you know? Something about that just catches my attention for some reason.
So...Ian and I are talking on the phone, and he CAN'T hold up the pretense of weird and meaningless small talk for more than a few minutes. Hehehe, which was cute in itself, to be honest. And he asked me, "Ok...so you've seen a lot of the newer stuff that I added to the story, right? Like....umm...how much 'kung fu' stuff do you know?"
Hahaha, was he serious? I was like, "Ummm...as much as you would EXPECT me to know, Ian! Hehehe, or at least, I'm assuming!"
He's like, "So...that's a negative, right?"
I'm like, "Did you really expect me to just be a martial arts badass? Come on, dude..."
But Ian just says, "No no...it's cool! I'm gonna bring some action movies over to your house, and you can just watch the stuff I send you and copycat it, or whatever. It doesn't have to be perfect or anything. Just fake it till you make it, you know? Hehehe!" Ian was so happy and so giddy about the whole process...I didn't see any need to really challenge him on the idea. Besides, I gave my word that I'd help out. So I might as well do all I can to help him realize his 'vision' or whatever. Hehehe, this might actually turn out to be really fun! I've never been in a movie before. I've never even been on camera before except for the stills I took for my parents as a baby, and a home video of my grandfather's birthday party. I don't even know what to do with myself for this project of Ian's. I'm a bit anxious to find out.
Ian didn't stay on the phone long. He stopped himself before he got carried away and started rambling. But he DID manage to say..."Thanks, Billy. Just for...sticking around. And for being a pal. K?"
I wasn't really sure what he meant by that. I mean, I said, "It's ok. No biggie..." But I wasn't really sure why it held any significance for me to do something as simple s answer the phone and communicate with him in the same way that I would any other normal person. I mean, what's so special about him reaching out to me and me responding to it? It would be extremely rude not to. I don't know why Ian seems so unsure of himself sometimes. I'd think people would go out of their way to show how much they appreciate him...but I guess that's not the case.
I don't know...maybe somebody treated him badly before. Because he seems somewhat surprised that I answer him at all sometimes. Like he never expected me to give a damn. And that's sad, because Ian is awesome. I can't imagine someone being mean or dismissive about his feelings. I certainly hope that Bobby is making an attempt to make Ian feel as loved and as special as he deserves. I'd hate to think that Bobby was still 'scared' of this whole situation. That seems so silly to me at this point. Bobby's already GOT the prize! They're already a couple. What the heck is he scared of? Seriously...
Anyway, Ian wanted to come over tomorrow and talk more about his movie, but I've got to work. He said that he's making major changes in the story and stuff and now he wants it to be a vampire romance/horror/action movie. Hmmm...I don't know....
That sounds kind of 'out there' for my tastes. :P
But Ian swears by it. He thinks it'll be really cool if he can everything to look the way he wants it to look. I guess he got the idea online somewhere, and wants to make his own fan-vid of it. Then he can make his own YouTube account and use that as a big jump off point to get people to watch. Hehehe, who knows? He might end up being like that 'Jesse-101', guy! (Who's MEGA-CUTE' by the way!!!)
So...yeah, Ian wants to talk to me more about this tomorrow, and I told him that I'd call when I got home from work. I know that Bobby is going to be in this epic movie of his too, but....I don't know. I still don't know exactly what Ian knows and doesn't know about me and Bobby in the 'not-so-distant' past. I don't want to say anything...but I don't want to keep my lips glued shut either....not if Ian is secretly glaring at me the whole time, knowing full WELL what I did with his new 'sweetheart' a few months ago. You know? I mean, what if Ian knows, and by not saying anything he thinks that I'm lying about it?
I mean...Bobby was like...he just....
When Ian said that he and Bobby lost their 'virginity' to one another....
Is that what Bobby Jinette TOLD him? Or...did Ian just sort of assume that? Or...I mean...is this a secret? And if so...why?
I kinda kept up the lie while I was talking to Ian on the phone, especially when he began to gush about how happy he and Bobby were together...but it quickly became clear that this was something I should seriously talk to Bobby about in the near future. If for no other reason than it would at least have us be on the same page when it came to...you know...Ian's version of the truth, or whatever. I'm thinking that Ian finding out about Bobby and I having many MANY afternoons full of hot, bubble butt pounding, slick and sloppy, buttery boy sex on multiple occasions before they even met....MIGHT just throw a monkey wrench in their currently 'happy' relationship. And I didn't want to complicate that situation for them. Not while things are going so great.
In the end...it doesn't even matter, right? We've both moved on from that. Why cause stress over something that's clearly behind me and Bobby both?
When Ian was about to hang up the phone, once again...he's like, "You'd better get in good with me now, Billy! Hehehe, don't try to talk to me when I'm already famous! Because it'll be too late!"
So, finally, I was like, "Hehehe, what does that even mean?"
He's like, "What?"
I said, "The whole 'when I'm famous' thing. How come you always say that?"
Ian's voice dropped a little bit, and he was like, "Oh...it's a long story. Let's just say that some people only talk to you when they feel the need to. And they only feel the need to when they see you as being important. You know....shallow people." I was expecting more of a light hearted response, to be honest. But I think I accidentally touched a nerve. Ian said, "I guess I just say that to remind me that some people suck, but good friends stick around. They're there for you, ya know? Even when you're feeling down. Even when you're nobody important at all. It's easy to love the most popular guy in the room. But when you're not, some people can't be bothered. Funny how they show up again out of nowhere when the good times come."
I paused for a moment, then I was like, "Do you wanna talk? Or...?"
Ian was quick to perk up again. He was like, "Nah. It's nothing to worry about. Maybe some other time. Just...I'm glad you're one of the good guys." And with that, he grinned and giggled and told me he'd talk to me tomorrow. Can't figure that boy out sometimes. But I'm pretty sure somebody close to him must have hurt him at some point for him to feel that way. Shame.
Ok, I've gotta run. I'm going to get some video games in before going to bed. Got work tomorrow. (Still feels so strange to say that!)
Oh great...Jimmy wrote to me and wants me to call him and say good night. Wonderful...
I guess I should call. I'll call.