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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And I'll personally give you the bite for an eternal life in darkness!!! Or...just a really cool hickey!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- There are days that come and go in our lives that seemingly have no meaning at all until a later time, when you realize that they were an important preamble to something....magnificent. And you don't even realize it until the moment has passed. You don't understand how unprepared you were for it, even though you sincerely thought you would be. I think today was one of those days. And...as much as I try to stop shaking...hehehe....it's kind of out my control. Why am I giggling so much? My mom asked me about it twice already tonight. I know it must look weird...but I can't really help it. Even now, I'm trembling. I hope my handwriting will be legible once I'm done with this entry. Because, at this point, I'm surprised that I can keep myself from violently wiggling in my desk chair as it is.
Hehehe....GOD...why am I still smiling like this??? PSYCHO, much???
Anyway...so I went into work today. I didn't really bother to look at the roster of who I'd be working with today, as I was quickly coming to the conclusion that it didn't matter much. I think I had fun with everybody in the store no matter what, albeit for different reasons. Taylor worked today, and I actually got a kick out of the fact that he was CONSTANTLY complaining about the state of music today and the artists who were making it big while the independent musicians were made to suffer. I have to admit, his insults were pretty creative sometimes. Made me laugh. I figure, if you're gonna hate everything...might as well make it entertaining to listen to. And Taylor was really good at that. Hehehe! He actually referred to one female artist's voice as 'a newborn GOAT getting its testicles bitten off by a wild coyote! Hahaha! I don't care if I agreed with him or not...you can't HELP but to laugh at the visual! Ya know?
Anyway, my boss was slowly exposing me to more and more aspects of how the store runs, and he kept giving me an extra responsibility or two as I got more familiar with how things worked around there. So that was cool. He could be really nice sometimes, you know? I sort of expected to start work and get a really mean boss like Fred Flinstone or Homer Simpson. But it wasn't like that at all. He was nice and polite, and he was always appreciative of everything that I did to help customers or keep the place clean. That only inspired me to take more pride in my work, you know? And now that I had a new batch of friends to talk to and get to know, little by little...it was almost a bigger adventure than my first year of high school was. The only thing that could have made this place any better would be if Sam had gotten a call back too and we could have worked together on the same shifts! IMAGINE how much hell we could raise in the place once we combined our mischievous forces! Hehehe!
Robin was there today, and he was surprisingly easy to talk to. In fact, I was kinda glad that I had a more familiar face to relate to while I was there. Since only two or three people were my age. Everybody was a few years older. They never looked down on us or anything, but...I don't know...it was comforting, ya know? Anyway, Robin and I got into a pretty distracting conversation about music today, and he was telling me about a bunch of indie bands that I had never heard of before. He told me that he was going to put some stuff on a USB card for me so I'd be able to listen to it for myself and tell him what I thought. Which was really cool. Somehow, I always knew that there was a sensitive guy beneath all of that....sexual fever. Hehehe! Seriously though, Robin is really nice. In fact, he kinda reminds me of Sam in a lot of ways. Not that I'll ever tell Sam that! Sam has a way of scaring off anybody that he thinks is going to compete for my attention. Not that I mind. It's one of the cutest things about his personality in my opinion.
Ok...so yeah, I'm still grinning. I've got to talk about this before this bubbly energy in my heart causes me to explode. Or implode. Or just....float away. Hehehe!
So...like...I was talking to Robin, right? And he was like, "...The thing about this particular band is they're really not afraid to take chances. I've heard them make a lot of songs that I never thought they would make. Ooh! Like this one! I'm definitely gonna copy this one for you! You'll love it. It's so retro!" Then I saw Robin look over my shoulder, and his eyes widened a bit briefly. Then he's like, "Hi...do you need help finding something?"
When I turned around...I think all of the oxygen in my lungs suddenly turned to ice cubes, and my heart temporarily stopped beating. Like I said before....some things, you THINK you'd be prepared...but you're just not ready for.
It was those pretty eyes and long lashes that I noticed first. Followed by a set of soft, tender, lips...that I can remember kissing with such passion that it left me too weak to stand. Then I remembered how he was just tall enough for me to have to tilt my head up a little bit to see his beauty fully. In fact, I think he may have had a tiny growth spurt since I was this close to him. The angle seemed different. Or maybe it was the excitement inside that made it seem so.
He came. Brandon really came....
I barely had enough breath in me to utter even the most bashful of whispers, but even through an involuntary, highly infatuated, smile...I managed to say, "....Hi...."
Brandon smiled back at me, and the whole world turned to candy. I was practically vibrating with joy at that moment, and all I could think about was the idea that I HOPED it didn't show in my expression as much as I think it did. How embarrassing would that be?
Brandon paused for a second, and then he giggled shyly and mumbled, "....Hey..."
It was a total 'sucker punch' to the stomach for me. I almost didn't believe that he was really there, looking at me, smiling at me, talking to me. It was the kind of turbulent eruption that my heart had been missing for oh so long. That draw. That irresistible pull. A nervousness that I had almost forgotten since the last time I felt it rip through me with such intensity.
I think Brandon and I were silent for a bit too long, because Robin cleared his throat to see if everything was ok.
I was like, "Oh! Right..." And I stepped aside, still trembling, and I said, "Robin...this is Brandon. Brandon...Robin." I think I made the introduction before really thinking about the fact that I lied and told Robin that he was my boyfriend. I was worried that he might say something, but luckily, Robin was just as sheepish as I was in this situation. Which is understandable. Brandon is beautiful. Especially today. Did he dress up or something? He looked amazing.
Robin was like, "Ah, ok. Well...I'll leave you two alone. Nice meeting ya."
Brandon didn't ask. I think he was using what little courage he had to hold eye contact at the moment. God...he's so pretty. So very pretty.
I tried to speak, but no words seemed to be adequate enough to express what I was feeling at that moment. They didn't seem adequate enough to hide what I was feeling at that moment either. So I found myself completely STUCK on what to do. I just knew that I was in the presence of greatness again. And I simply couldn't will myself to move.
Awkward pauses. Brandon has the cutest awkward pauses.
Then, he was like, "Soooo...you're working here now? That's cool." It was adorable. So much so that I think I actually felt a shiver of joy run up my spine. Hehehe, Brandon knew damn well I was working here. Stevie already told me. But it was cute anyway.
There's that word again. Cute. Cute, cute, cute! Ugh! I'm goofy.
I was like, "Um...yeah. I actually just started since...you know...since school's been out. So..." I couldn't stop myself from looking into his eyes. It was like I was seeing them for the first time all over again.
Brandon said, "Well, that's pretty cool. So is this just like a Summer thing, or...?" Speechless, I just kinda shrugged my shoulders and smiled dreamily at him while my mind tried to keep my legs from wobbling. Geez, is that my heart beating like that, or is someone trying to fix the escalator down the hall? Brandon turned away from me to sort of flip through some of the CDs on the shelf next to him, but I don't think he was really 'shopping' for anything. To be honest, I think he was starting to blush a little bit. He asked, "The weather is great outside. It's nice. And it's the weekend...which makes it even better." Brandon gave me shaky little giggle, and my pulse raced at even more dangerous speeds as I realized that he was nervous too.
It just took me back to that afternoon in my bedroom...the quivering stomach, the cautious tone of voice, the electric tingle of anticipation as I hung on his every spoken word. I was SO in love! So head over heels over head again, MADLY, in love! And just seeing Brandon's smile zapped me right back that ultimate high all over again. It was hard not to fidget, but I managed to hide some of my excess energy by leaning against one of the displays and keeping my thumbs in my pockets.
I guess I wasn't talking much, but it was hard to do much more than just...stare at him, you know? Stare and smile. Another shoulder shrug and the occasional nod of my head. His beauty disarmed me. I found myself delightfully helpless in his presence. This was bigger than what I was expecting, the event of talking to Brandon in a somewhat 'civil' manner again.
Hehehe, I'm giggling to myself again. My mom is going to have me put away if I keep this up.
Anyway, Brandon's like, "So...are you at least having some fun so far this Summer? Free time and all."
I made a bit of a face, and I was like, "Nah. Nothing major, really. Just work, basically. It's the most exciting thing I've done since Finals ended."
He says, "Really? No big adventures yet?"
I'm like, "Nope. Nada. I mean...Sam's got this new girlfriend, and my friend Trace is sort of going through some issues at the moment. And Simon is on serious lockdown after kinda flaking out on his exams at the last minute. To be honest, I'm pretty much on my own for now."
Brandon's smile widened for a split second...and then it dimmed. Only a little bit, but I noticed. And he was all like, "I take it that...I mean...like..." His eyes looked away from me as he mumbled, "...You haven't spoken to Bobby at all?"
He only peeked at me briefly when he said it, but I was extremely happy to tell him, "Not a whole lot. Bobby is way too busy with his new boyfriend. You should see the two of them, dude. Bobby was soooooo scared! Hehehe, but he finally took a chance and went for it, and they're a couple now. It's awesome."
Brandon seemed really pleased to hear that little bit of news, even if he hid the happy grin by quickly looking back at the music and stuff again. Brandon cleared his throat, and he said, "Oh? Well...good for him. Good for both of them."
I was like, "Yeah..." And didn't follow it up with anything else. My gaze was directed down to his fingers as he flipped through more music. Brandon always had the softest hands. He had a way of gently caressing my cheek that would nearly drive me to orgasm every time. Or maybe it was the sweet compliments he whispered in my ear while he was doing it that created such an erotic response.
It's funny how you can be totally oblivious as to how much you actually miss somebody until they're standing right in front of you again.
I couldn't tell why things suddenly began to get uncomfortable between us, but the air became thick as Brandon tried to find a smooth and subtle escape from our little conversation. The simplest words exchanged between us...and yet they said so much. At least in my mixed up mind they did. He said, "Well, you know...I didn't want to bug ya or anything. I should probably get movin'. But...umm..." He hesitated for a second, and I held my breath. Hehehe, see what I mean? Cute awkward pauses. He's like, "...Maybe, if you're bored or something...and all of your other friends are busy or on punishment...maybe..." Come on, Brandon. Say it. PLEASE, say it! Omigod, I'm totally gonna faint if he says it! "...I'm just saying, maybe we can hang out some time. Just go and get something to eat or something." AHHHHHH!!!!! YES!!! YES, YES, YES!!! He totally fucking SAID IT!!! I thought I was going to jump right through the roof!
Coyly, I sort of pretended to be distracted by switching a few things around on the shelf too, and I was like, "Well...yeah. I mean, that'd be cool. Since you're not doing anything."
And Brandon was like, "Sure. I don't think I'll be all that busy. I'm sure I could drop by....some time."
And I'm like. "K. Sounds like fun. I'll be around."
I know that we were both trying to be really calm and quiet about the whole thing. Almost as if showing any real interest in the idea of us getting back together for a while to talk would be like losing a staring contest. But...once Brandon said, "Ok, well...I guess...I'll see you around. K?" I saw him walking away to leave the store, and...I don't know, something inside of me panicked.
I stopped him, like, "Brandon!" It was a bit loud, but...ugh...like I said, I panicked. He turned back around, and even though I felt really weak and helpless about saying it, I forced myself to say, "I'm glad you just...happened on by the store today. I missed you." I probably sounded like some kind of desperate idiot, but it was the truth. It wasn't the sex or the kissing or the snuggling after that mattered. It was the simple frenzy of having Brandon look at me with those eyes and completely overwhelm me to the point where it became hard to breathe. Nobody else has ever been able to do that to me. Not like Brandon could.
His face lit up, and the sexiest little flirtatious smirk appeared on his lips. And he was like, "...I missed you too." Poof! Candy! Total candy! That was all it took to make a drooling devotee all over a gain. A grin. Awwww...but it's so CUTE when Brandon does it though! Hehehe!
Honestly, I noticed that Robin was sort of wanting to come over and talk to me about Brandon on more than a few occasions before punching out for the day, but he never asked. He just kinda kept himself at a safe distance. I could tell that he was curious though. Hehehe, I'm even willing to bet that he was just a tiny bit jealous over it! And why wouldn't he be? Brandon is a walking miracle! And...he likes ME! Hehehe, Stevie was right! He like...thinks about me! How awesome is that? I think about him too, but that's because he's 'Brandon'! Who the hell am *I*???
Did I say everything that I wanted to say to him? I mean, the whole thing went by so damn fast that I hardly had much time to think of what to say ahead of time. I definitely didn't want to mention the whole Jimmy thing. No, no, no! That would have been bad. Jimmy's been telling Brandon that I'm the meanest, most despicable, most unforgiving son of a bitch since freakin' HITLER! And the last thing I wanted to do was ruin our soggy moment with reminders of what a heartless bullshitter I am. (Yikes...I'm starting to sound like Sam when he talks about Joanna, now).
I just...I wished that I had more time to think. I wish I had...ummm...rehearsed or something, ya know? I had soooo much that I wanted to say to him! So much to thank him for! So much to apologize for! Brandon gave me an opening. He was offering me an olive branch so we could talk again, and I kinda jumped on it without really thinking. I mean, I didn't want to totally ambush his feelings or anything by bringing up all this serious stuff all at once. I just...I wanted to talk to him, and have him talk back. We did that today, even if only for a few minutes. And those few minutes were 'magic' to me. XD
Seeing Brandon again was like...spending months lost in the desert, and finally finding my way home again. Brandon was my constant. My 'normal'. My rock in the raging white rapids of continuous hormonal turmoil. There was no questions concerning how I felt about him. No second guesses. No confusion or re-evaluation of my emotions and what they really mean. I loved him. God...I can write that here, and it feels soooo good to say it in my head! I LOVE HIM!!! It hasn't changed or diminished at all, not after all the time that we've been apart. And it really shines a light on what a bastard I've been these past few months. It sucks, you know? It does.
Anyway, I've got a lot to think about. I did get a call from Ian tonight, which was kinda funny because I thought he was coming over for a while. Turns out that didn't happen at all. I waited and waited, expecting him to bring this new script of his over, but he called and said that 'something came up'. Hehehe!
Actually, what he said was, "My mom was having some trouble with her car, and it's still under warranty, so she took it out to get everything balanced and checked out and stuff....and that pretty much meant that Bobby and I had the house to ourselves for a while."
At that moment, I heard Bobby's voice in the background, saying, "Hi, Billy. Sorry, Billy. Hehehe!"
I was like, "No, it's ok. I get it. Hehehe! You two have 'fun'. We'll talk another time or something. Cool?" I think Bobby must have been laying his head on Ian's shoulder at the time, because he was close enough to hear me. They both said goodbye at the same time, and I assumed that they went right back to cuddling and kissing and getting ready to make good use of their time alone together. Hehehe, I don't think they can keep their hands off of one another. And that's awesome when you don't have to.
So, here I am...still staring off into space. Still haunted by more giddy and frisky memories of Brandon than my mind had room for. But it felt cool. So cool.
I'm not gonna get my hopes up. That would be stupid. I just...want to appreciate seeing that smile again. He just...makes knowing what you want out of life SO easy to figure out, you know? He really does...
Ok...I'm going to stop now. I swear. I'll write more tomorrow. I just want to feel the 'feels' right now. So...yeah...
Right Here In The Nifty 'Celebrity' Section!!!