- The very *FIRST* thing I did when I woke up this morning was jack off again! HARD!!! I'm fucking serious! I feel like I'm just constantly hard ALL THE TIME now! That's just what memories of kissing AJ's awesome lips does to me! Oh God....AJ is my boyfriend! MY BOYFRIEND!!! Can you believe that??? I have a REAL LIFE boyfriend!!! And he thinks I'm CUTE! And he wants to kiss me as much as I want to kiss him! And he's AWESOME! And just....um...yeah! Hehehe!
He sent me an email today, just to tell me that he had a good time and he wants me to have a "Cool Sunday"! Those were his exact words! "Have a Cool Sunday!" And he sent me a webcam picture of himself looking all cute and sweet, and he was 'pouting' because he couldn't see me. Sighhh....I swear, I stared at that picture for ten minutes straight. I wouldn't even let the screen saver come on! I'd have to hit a button or something so I could stare at it for just a little bit longer. He's SOOOOOOO *CUTE*!!! I swear...I've got to come 'out' to somebody JUST so I could show them the picture and let them see how utterly beautiful he is to me. I am SO in love!!! Hehehe!
Just thinking about him is the greatest drug known to man. If this is love, TRUE love...then they need to bottle this shit and sell it on the open market! We'd have world peace in a week's time! I wanted to literally smile every second of the day, and nothing could bring me down. NOTHING! Wow...I can't believe I kissed a REALLY cute boy in a public bathroom near the lake! I could swear that my lips were still tingling from the contact. I hope I was doing it right. He seemed to like it. Does that mean that I can kiss? Like...good? I hope so. I was certainly into it, and he wants to do it again, I'm sure of it! He really liked it though. And so did I. And...we're gonna see each other again soon! But THIS time, all of that tension about kissing and stuff will be gone. (Well..some of it, anyway.) So...if we get a minute alone, I can just lean in and totally suck lips with him without worrying about hidden signals and nervous bullshit! Oh MAN this is gonna be great!!!
I've gotta find myself a sedative for this feeling inside, because my mom instantly noticed that I was bouncing around the house a lot more than usual. I'm sure that she notices how overwhelmingly happy I am, but I really don't want her to know why. So I should really keep this bubbly sensation down to a minimum before I end up with her asking me questions that I can't answer.
I called Sam today. I'm not sure why, though. Something about me having a boyfriend made me want to spill my guts to my best friend about it, even though, deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to say anything to him about it. But I really REALLY wanted to! You have NO idea how badly I wanted to shout it out to the world and share this joy with everyone around me. Who knows? Maybe, in some weird way, I thought just talking to him would have had the same effect as expressing myself fully to him about my feelings for another boy.
Unfortunately, Sam wasn't home when I called, so I didn't get to talk to him. The strange thing was that his mom said that he had gone out with 'friends'. 'Friends'? What does she MEAN Sam went out with 'friends'? I'M Sam's friend. I mean...I'm not jealous or anything. At least I don't think I am. It's just funny that he didn't tell me he was going out today, that's all. I can't see why he would go out for a while and not talk to me about it. Or how he could be with 'friends' and not have that include me. Maybe I'm overreacting and just being stupid about the whole thing, but to be totally honest, I was kinda hurt by it. Not a whole lot, but a little bit. Maybe I should have a talk with him about it. Or about anything. I really just want Sam and I to 'connect' again. The last thing I'd ever want would be for us to drift apart. We're friends for life, after all. No matter what. Through thick and through thin, til death do us part. We've been 'blood brothers' ever since the 2nd grade. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were in his basement, and were going to cut our thumbs and press them together to be 'real' blood brothers for life, but we chickened out. So we used ketchup instead. A perfect solution. Hehehe! Despite our little blow ups and arguments, we're still best friends. And I'd never sacrifice that. Not for anything.
I thought about going back to see Jimmy in the hospital today....but to be totally honest, I felt too GOOD to go. That might sound harsh, but it's the truth. I've been so juiced up over my time with AJ, that going to see Jimmy would be a real 'downer' for my weekend. I hope that doesn't make me as bad as the uncaring, unfeeling, bastards that drove him to hurt himself in the first place. Because I'm NOT taking it that far! In fact, my Dad is driving out to visit a friend of his on Wednesday night, and I was thinking of having him drop me off at the hospital on his way. That way, I can visit Jimmy and get a ride there and back. Well....at least 'there'. I doubt my dad is coming back in time to get me home during my mom's special school night curfew. But I'm sure it'll more than make up for my absence today.
Sighhhh....Wow...! Sorry, I was just thinking about how sweet AJ's tongue tasted in my mouth. Sucking on it and feeling it move against my own....absorbing his saliva....mmmm! I can't STAND being this horny! It's gotten me all hot and giggly again. I think I'm going to have another squirt before bedtime. What can I say? He drives me wild. Hehehe! That's my boyfriend! Hehehe! Later!
- I was so happy in school today that it was seriously like walking on air. No matter how great your day is going, when you're in love....you just wanna be alone with the person you share your heart with and NO ONE else! Everything else in my life seemed like such a stupid distraction from everything that really matters to me all of the sudden. Everything. Some trivial, bothersome, loss of focus to take my mind off of the seconds that were ticking away while I WASN'T kissing the boy I loved! I felt ten feet tall, and beyond invincible. Life was better than it had ever been before, and I loved it.
I saw Brandon in the hall around 2nd or 3rd period, and he noticed my extra bright grin right away. In fact, he seemed to stare at me just a little bit longer than usual. It was like my joy had somehow imprinted myself onto him, and it made him smile in the cutest way to see me so happy. He didn't really question my good mood, but he seemed to be curiously drawn to it, and it made him a bit more talkative than he normally was when we got together. He was still kinda bashful, of course, but that's just Brandon's cute way of bringing a thrilling chill to my whole existence. I swear he does it on purpose, just to tease me. Before AJ came along to show me what love was all about, I might have been swooning over Brandon instead at this moment. But today my infatuated bliss was a fog too thick for even Brandon's 'pretty' antics to navigate through. He asked if he could call me tonight out of the blue. As though he had suddenly found a new zest in me that he wanted to experience first hand. But I turned him down, and told him that maybe we could do it a bit later.
YEAH! I can't fucking believe I did that EITHER!!!
But....sighhh.....I wanted to call AJ tonight, you know? I wanted to hear his cute boyish voice in my ear. I wanted to kiss his sweet puckered lips again. I wanted to hold his soft slim body against me again. I wanted to....REALLY 'fuck' him so bad!!! Hahahaha! I'm such a dork! I can't believe that I'm blushing just writing this! I swear, I've gotta hide this book somewhere more secure! If this EVER got out...geez! Hehehe!
I ate lunch with Joanna and Sam and a few others today, and she held onto my arm as always. It's a comforting feeling to have someone be so attached to you. She really loved having me be close to her, and the more she demonstrated her appreciation for me, the more I was drawn closer to her. I never thought a 'girl' would make me feel so good inside. But...I actually feel kinda bad about a few things. I mean...Joanna is my girlfriend after all. Right? Like...an actual 'girlfriend'. So that means I've made somewhat of a commitment to her. But...I'm also head over heels in love with AJ. So......does this mean that I'm cheating on her? Or maybe on him? I mean, I'd never do anything to hurt Joanna, not at all. She's grown to be a really cool part of my life, and I care for her deeply But I wonder if this was some awful act that I was engaging in just to be...'normal', you know? I wonder if the idea of being with a girl was just my way of finding affection in a world where the possibility simply didn't exist when another 'boy' was concerned. It made me wonder if I was settling for what I could 'have'...instead of going for what I really wanted. Maybe I was. Maybe I was just blinding myself to heterosexuality's 'wrongness' in my life by being with the right sex. And now I'm so totally in love with a boy that I can't tell anybody about...that it's hard to go back to the illusion that she's what I'm really looking for. Who knows? I don't want to make any big decisions before I know for sure though. I DO care a lot about Joanna, and if things work out between us, then I'll be glad that I didn't toss it all away over some silly phase with AJ.
I REALLY do want him though!!! GOD, I want him!!!
Oh, you wanna hear something weird? I found out, today, that Missy told everybody at school that I was at her party this weekend. It kinda surprised me, because a lot of people were at that party besides just me, but she made sure to mention me above all others. It made me feel like a real celebrity or something. That's cool. She must have really liked having me there, and it was kinda like being...'popular' for a day. I had a damn good time going, and I'd be happy to go again if she had anything else that she wanted to invite me to. In fact, I'll have to remember to invite her to MY birthday party when I have my next one. It's not that far away, and I'll be turning the big 1-5....so I hope I have half the turn-out that her's had. Besides, if she brings as many people to MY party as she had at her own, I'll look like a real big shot around school. Hehehe! I'll be sure to get her phone number from her tomorrow when I see her so I can keep it close by.
I actually saw Simon today too, and you wanna know something? I felt kinda bad for some of the awful thoughts I have been having about him lately. About ignoring him and everything. He seemed like he was having a bad day, and was looking kinda down. It just 'got' to me, I guess. I shouldn't have turned my back on him just because he wasn't gay. I suppose....it was really wrong of me to expect this big sexual favor from him in the first place. I wanted to get him naked and roll around with him and have hours and hours of hot passionate sex with him....but he wasn't into it. And I guess, deep down, I should just swallow my feelings and accept that, you know? The whole situation was just me being dumb and upset with the fact that I couldn't get laid. It wasn't his fault that he was extremely cute to me. So I smiled and talked to him briefly. Nothing major, but we talked. I think it made him feel a little better. I still wish he was gay....but I guess it doesn't matter now. I've got a boyfriend. Hehehe!I just can't stop giggling when I say that!
Anyway, I've gotta go. I tried calling AJ like I said, but his phone line was busy most of the night, and I never got through. Ah well, I can try again tomorrow. I just wanna hear his voice. JUST for a few seconds! It would really make my night. God....I'm just...TOO 'in love' to concentrate these days! I'm going to bed. I'll see you later!
- YES! I talked to AJ on the phone tonight....sighhhh....he's sooooo dreamy. He REALLY is the sweetest thing in the world to me! How did I ever get so lucky as to find HIM??? Anyway, before I get into all of that mushy stuff, let me get through the other parts of my day.
You know what I saw today? I saw Brandon in nothing but his BOXER SHORTS!!! AAHHHHH!!! Ok...let me just tell you...Brandon's body is like..one of the most delicious pieces of well formed sex-meat that I've ever laid eyes on! You can't really tell when he's fully clothed, but when he's half naked? OMIGOD! I guess a soda or something exploded on him today, and he needed to change. So he was down in the gym locker room during my gym period, and he had some extra clothes to put on. You know...he has a six pack! It's not really 'cut' or anything, but if you look at his smooth flat belly, you can clearly see that it's there. And his chest is soooo smooth! And he has the cutest little patches of hair under his arms. I thought with him being tall and pretty like he is, that he'd have more. But nope! Just a little more than fuzz. It's so cute! His legs are AWESOME! His calves are smooth and tight, and his thighs look so damn KISSABLE! It's amazing! I could have stared at him all day. Best of all.....was the "V"! You know what I'm talking about? That special little trench on each side of someone's stomach...leading from the waist, and disappearing down into the waistline of their underwear. That sexy little V-shaped area that you KNOW comes to a point right underneath his balls! Wow....Brandon has one of the cutest "V's" I've ever seen. No lie!
Of course, I didn't see anything else. Except for the cute curve of his ass as he bent over to pull up his pants. For a split second, the fabric fell in between his cheeks to let me see the crack in the middle, but it wasn't long enough for me to get any real thrill out of it. Anyway, he got dressed pretty quickly in front of me...but I DID see him 'almost' naked, and even though I've got a boyfriend of my own, I blushed like CRAZY!!! Normally, I would have gotten instantly hard and my mind would've flooded with sexual images that make most boys burst into a feverish sweat. But not with Brandon. Instead, I just got really shy and giggly and turned away. Weird, right? But I DID get my expert little 'peeks' in. So it was worth it!
Also, Jamie Cross talked to me today. Briefly, but he talked to ME first. Honestly...you know what? It didn't have the same impact as it usually does. I mean, that's a pretty bold statement, and I'm sure it doesn't mean anything....but I usually get all sweaty and nervous around Jamie, just BEGGING for him to speak ONE word in my direction! Just ONE! But....I dunno...today it was only a 'mild thrill' in comparison to the walloping sensations that I got from kissing AJ. It didn't compare. At least not today Maybe it's just the limited conversation we had. If Jamie had said, "I want you to suck my hot cock, sex slave..." I probably would have dived on his hard dick like I was avoiding heavy gunfire and grenade shrapnel! But a simple nod and a hello didn't really do it for me this time. Not after the love I've experienced. Not after being with my baby! Wow...an actual WRITTEN admission of a luke warm reaction to the most edible boy in the whole fucking UNIVERSE!!! This is definitely a first.
Ok...I can't wait any longer! My phone call with AJ....I've GOTTA talk about it now before I explode! Hehehe! Sorry...I don't want every post in here to be about him, but he's honestly all that I think about these days! I don't have ANYTHING else to do with my life outside of sitting here...wondering how he is, or what he's doing. He just....he invades me all day long. And I love it!
So...I call him up, and he answers the phone sounding all sexy and cute. And I say hello, and he recognizes me right away. He sounded SO happy to hear from me, it made me blush! And this is just on the phone! So...we talked for a while, and he REALLY misses me. AJ said, "I haven't thought about anything but kissing you since Saturday." AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm SCREAMING inside!!! Is that NOT the cutest thing you've ever heard???
He says he wants to see me. He wanted me to sneak out and come over right then while we were talking, but I couldn't. He lives kinda far, and my mom wouldn't have let me go. Not on a school night. But AJ says, "My parents aren't home. We can walk around naked if we want to." And I laughed, and he laughed, and I SO wanted to go! If I thought I could get away with it, I would have hung up the phone and been at his house before he got a dial tone. Grrr! I can't wait until I see him again! I'm gonna cover his face with kisses, I SWEAR I am! We talked all lovey dovey on the phone for a while, and then he got all 'swishy' with a long sigh and asked if I could see him tomorrow. I blushed and told him that couldn't. Then he says, "Awww....what about Thursday, then?" But I really want to keep my self-promise and see Jimmy again on Thursday. I don't want him thinking that I forgot about him, you know? He's my friend. I should be there. BUT....get this...AJ whined in the CUTEST way when I told him that...and he said, "Billyyyyy...I wanna see youuuuuuuuu....." JESUS!!! It was SO fucking hot! I melted so bad that I nearly wiggled myself off of the bed!!! Awww, I WANTED to be with him, but I don't think I was going to have a chance until this weekend! Anyway, we talked softly and made kissing noises to each other on the phone for about an hour and a half before he had to go. And it didn't feel silly at ALL. Hehehe! I was all into it, and hard as a ROCK the entire time! God...I just wanna...hold him so tight! I wonder what he 'looks' like. You know...down there. I've never really seen somebody else's hard before. I've never really held one in my hand, except for my own. I'm so curious as to how AJ's would feel in my hand. I bet you his is SO hot. I want to hold it, and lick it, and suck it until my TEETH hurt! Hehehe, damn, he's so cute!!! I've got to FIGHT to wait until Saturday! Maybe this time, we'll do more than just kiss!
We talked for a bit, and right before hanging up, we just listened to each other breathe. Like for a full minute or something. Wow...it was awesome. So that's it. Me and my boyfriend. Hehehe! I have to get used to saying that. 'Boyfriend'. It dances on the tip of your tongue, you know that?
I'm going to sleep. AJ is waiting for me in my dreams. Sighhhh.....g'night world.
-Billy (AJ's Boyfriend)