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And be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...It's the only way we can mend Lyric Dubee's broken 'black ice' heart! Awww!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I think the term is 'bittersweet'. I've heard it before, but I think I really felt the meaning of it for the first time today. The sweet was awesome. The bitter was awesome too, I think. But put together...it was just a big bowl of 'yuck', you know?
The worst part is...I know it's all my fault. I just know it.
The second I opened my eyes this morning, Brandon was on my mind. I've never been happier to spring out of bed and go running to the shower like a little kid on Christmas morning. What was Brandon gonna wear? What was he gonna say? Where were we even going to lunch? Ahhhh, it feels like I've been waiting FOREVER!!! I can't wait to just...be around him again. To see his smile. And his skin. And his shoulders. And his neck...I've always loved Brandon's neck. The anxiety of it all threatened to rattle me to pieces if I didn't keep myself busy. Had to keep moving around. Try to burn off some of this extra energy. I was almost at the point of doing jumping jacks by the time it came for me to call Brandon up and make plans.
Heh...it's been so long since I dialed that number. I can't believe that I still remember it by heart.
Hearing him pick up and say hello was a huge thrill in itself. I missed that voice. His voice had a way to just...comfort me, you know? We made plans to get together and picked a cool little griller place to go to where he had a lunch special coupon for us to use. It was really sweet for him to take me. Or even think about me, for that matter. And it made me feel so 'alive' inside. You would have thought Brandon had a newborn puppy waiting on me or something. Hehehe!
That's when I went into the kitchen to ask my mom for some cash so that we could have a good time together. And...she was crying.
It was too late for me to sneak back around the corner because she saw me and was quick to dry her eyes. Was I supposed to pretend not to notice? Or should I...I probably should, shouldn't I? Yeah...I think I should.
I'm like, "Mom? Are you alright?" I put a hand on her shoulder, but she kept her face turned in the other direction. I think just asking her the question made it worse. Still she was a champion about it, and just secretively wiped her eyes before saying anything in response.
She was like, "I'm ok, sweetie. Really, I am. Are you still going out with your friend, Brandon, today?" I felt bad for not really pushing the issue of her obviously being lost in some kind of distress...but I nodded, and she just went to her purse without me even asking her. She handed me some extra cash to spend at the mall. She said, "Go. Have some fun, ok? Tell Brandon I said hello."
It was a challenge, having to walk out of the house and leave her like that. The only thing that really made it possible was the fact that she looked like she really just needed to be alone for a while. I couldn't really do much to bring her any comfort or offer any advice...but leaving her alone...I guess I could do that. At least for now.
I wish I was better at this sort of thing. Especially where my mom is concerned....
Anyway...seeing Brandon again when I got to the mall? It brought me a much needed burst of unexpected sunshine. I couldn't believe that even after all this time, he still has the power to completely level me just by being in my field of vision. He looked even cuter today than he did yesterday. Then again, I don't think it really mattered what Brandon was wearing, clothes-wise. It was his smile. Brandon's genuine smile could generate enough beauty to cover him from head to toe and beat out EVERY other boy in the mall, with no effort at all. The only thing more amazing than Brandon's smile was the fact that I inspired it. He made it just for me. To greet me and welcome me home to a collection of feelings that I once thought I had lost a long time ago. He still liked me. He still wanted me around. God...what did I do to deserve unconditional affection like this? Maybe I should stop questioning it, and just give him the same in return. Because...Brandon reminds me what it was like to really fall for someone else. I mean really fall. It seems like it was an ice age ago when I used to just stare at him in the school library...wishing I could find the courage to talk to him. Hoping that he'd talk back once I did. He was such a mystery to me back then.
Not as much of a mystery, and yet...ten times as captivating. I just wanted to mend ways today. Heal all of our previous scars and just...get back on the path towards making things right again. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. Who's to say. But I was in a position now where such a thing was possible. And I wanted to try. Just TRY! I've been moaning and groaning over Brandon for so long that it's hard to even remember me doing anything else. But he's here. I'm here. We're here together. That means something. It's an effort. A spark. A baby step that could guide us back to something truly beautiful, if only we give it a chance. I kinda liked that idea.
So, Brandon smells really good today, because some lady was giving out free samples of cologne in the mall hallway before I got there. Hehehe, Brandon got a free spray or two so he'd be all sexy and awesome for me when I got off the bus. I thought that was so CUTE! And he did smell good! If I knew what the name of that stuff was, I might buy him a little bottle. Or at least a body wash or something. It just seemed to fit him. Made me want to stand on my tiptoes and bury my nose in the nape of his neck so I could just inhale that seductive fragrance all day long. It took some real will power to not jump on him. Seriously. Hehehe!
The hostess sat us down in a booth as soon as we walked in, and Brandon mentioned the coupon and all, so accommodations were made for us and we were left to look at the menu to pick out whatever we wanted. I have to admit that I found it a bit hard to concentrate though. All I wanted to do was stare at Brandon. Was this even real? He was sitting right across the table from me! He's actually here! Talking to me again. Sharing giggles with me. Maybe even...looking back at me with love in his heart too. I don't know, but that's what it felt like. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions on that one. Still...I could barely keep from wiggling my toes at the thought of Brandon re-discovering any feelings of love he once had for me again. Any feelings whatsoever. The concept left me breathless, and when the waiter came to take our order, I had to hurry up and pretend that I was paying attention to the menu at all since we first sat down.
Thank God for short-list burger menus...
Did we talk? Hehehe, yeah. We did. I mean, it wasn't too deep or anything. Mostly jokes and a few stories about stuff that we had done since we had been...you know...broken up. It wasn't uncomfortable at all, but I could tell that we were both avoiding certain topics for the sake of keeping the peace. I think he could feel it too. We were still being careful. But even that was cool. Because both Brandon and I were thinking about each other's feelings enough to not muddy up the conversation with things that could potentially bring back the horror of why we broke up in the first place. No mention of Bobby Jinette. No mention of Jimmy. No mention of my big drunken blow up at my birthday party. We kept things light. Very light. I can dig that, though. It's been a while since we've been in sync with one another. Better to tread lightly. You know?
Funny thing is, Brandon didn't seem to shy away when I asked him about Stevie. I think I did it subconsciously, not really thinking about the fact that he might be one of those 'while we were broken up' issues that I should bite my tongue and leave alone. He was just like, "Stevie's ok. We still talk sometimes. I think those boys from school still give him a few dirty looks in the streets whenever they see him, but he can't hide forever. I try to get him out of the house every now and then."
I said, "Are those assholes STILL giving him grief??? For WHAT? It's so ridiculous." I grunted, and Brandon just gave me this really...sweet look. Just...sweet.
He was like, "That's Billy Chase. Still thinking about everybody else first. Hehehe, if you had super powers, Billy, we'd have world peace. I swear."
I said, "Is that a bad thing?"
He's like, "No. Not at all. It's just...I know you, and you have a need to save everybody. But it's a good thing. I guess I just forgot how big your heart was when it came to somebody else being in trouble. I think I kinda miss having that in my life."
I think that may just be one of the coolest compliments that I've ever gotten in my whole life.
I found myself unintentionally speechless. He truly just showered the whole of my reality with sugar and gumdrops...and all it cost him was the breath it took to softly speak his heart out loud.
I remember now. I remember why Brandon was my one and only. I remember why I chased him for so long, and held on to him even through the hard and hurtful times he put me through. I remember why Brandon was more of a soul mate than a 'boyfriend'. Is it possible? Are we going to turn out to be one of those high school sweethearts who end up getting a house together and the white picket fence, living the next 60 or 70 YEARS together...arguing about the thermostat and the front lawn and the noise of those young whippersnappers next door and their 'hippity-hop' music? Hehehe! It made me smile, but I seriously considered it. A lifetime with Brandon...
...Wow. An actual lifetime of a feeling like the one I've got pumping a cocaine high into my heart right now. I can't even imagine what it would be like to wake up in the morning and feel this kind of love every day. It must be exhausting.
The food was awesome. But even while we were chomping down on our selected lunch combos, we didn't want to stop talking. And it's hard to talk with your mouth full of Swiss chees mushroom burger goodness! But we managed. And it was just...sighhh...it was so cool. Only Sam could engage me in a conversation like that before Brandon came along. But I'm extremely biased on this. So I don't know if I'm being logical or not. Hehehe!
And even when it was over, Brandon paid for the whole thing. I didn't expect that. I would have put some money in. I didn't have much, but I would have at least gone half way with him. He wouldn't have it though. He told me, "It was my invitation, so it's my treat. I'm just...glad that you came." He was being cute on purpose, wasn't he? I KNOW he was! That sheepish grin and giggle of his...I remember it well.
He even left a really cool tip. Which is always a plus.
Then, we walked out together and were waiting on the bus...and he seemed to get a bit nervous at that point. Mostly because we were going to have to say goodbye to one another soon. I don't think either one of us was ready for that just yet. There's a weakness involved when you're so into somebody that you can't even fathom the idea of having to part ways. Even if it's only for a few days, if that.
I'm like, "I used your book. The journal you gave me, I mean. I wrote on every page."
He's like, "I think you told me that once before. I'm glad. Do you still do that? Write your daily thoughts in that thing?"
I said, "I do. Believe it or not, it gets really addictive, really quick." I told him, "Believe it or not, I've actually got SEVEN books full already! And I'm almost half way through the 8th."
Brandon's eyes widened. He's like, "Dude, that's crazy! You've got, like, a whole memoir written now! You should turn it into a book someday or something."
I said, "Hehehe, you never know. Maybe. I think I need more action though, before that happens. To most people, I'm pretty sure my day to day emo garbage would be pretty boring."
Brandon says, "Nah. I highly doubt that." We shared a smile for a moment, and then he asks, "Can I read some of it some time?"
GASP! Hehehe, I was like, "Ummmm...a couple of heavily edited excerpts, maybe. But that's it."
It made him laugh. I never thought I'd hear that laugh again.
He's like, "I see...so you're totally writing awful stuff about me in there, aren't you?"
I'm like, "NO! I'm not, seriously!" I snickered, and I don't think he believed me, but he was surprisingly good natured about it.
That's when he tells me, "Well, when you write in your book tonight...you make sure to make me look good. And mention that I paid for lunch too. I'm not such a bad guy after all, am I? Hehehe!"
Dreamily, I sighed, "No. You're not. And trust me...you'll get all aces from me in my memories tonight. Today was awesome. You're awesome. And I just...I..." I can't believe that I almost burst out with the 'L' word at that moment. I was SO close! Because I felt it. Not because of what I felt for him, but because of what he felt for me. It just energized me to the point where I felt almost invincible! He liked me. He really really had feelings for me. It was enough to almost toss me into a fit of seizures to know that he loved me this way.
No...that's too much. It's wishful thinking. We're just having lunch. Maybe I should slow down. For now anyway.
Still...hehehe....it tickled me pink to see that smile. To speculate and wonder if...Brandon was as hopelessly confused by this sudden reconnection as I was. I couldn't say for certain...but the idea was there. And that was almost enough to get me throwing handfuls of glitter in the streets while screaming Brandon's name at the top of my lungs. Hehehe! So yeah...there's that...
When it came time to say goodbye, I got really nervous. Partially because I didn't want the date to end, and partially because I had no idea how to end it. Can we hug? Can we shake hands? Can I...can I kiss him? It would be so awesome if I could just kiss those lips again. Just once. I wasn't sure what to do, but I only had a few more seconds to figure it out.
That's when Brandon was like, "Well...I guess I'll see you around some time." And he opens his arms up, like, "Come here..." And he hugged me! And a Brandon hug is like the best hug ever! He's still a little taller than me, but I buried my nose into his shoulder, inhaling the fading scent of mall hall cologne...and I just...I held him. I held him for as long as I could...enjoying that hidden 'something' that kept Brandon so close to my heart all this time. I didn't want to let go. Please, Brandon...please don't let me go.
Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to last. We had to step back from one another...and I watched him leave. As fulfilling as our little luncheon was, it left me wanting more. SO much more.
And that may be why I did what I did.
On to the 'bitter' part...
My mom went into work to solve a few issues they were having with the computers. Her note wasn't specific, but she said we could order out for dinner tonight, meaning that she'd be gone for the next few hours at least. I wish that I could say it was an accident. I wish that I could claim a moment of weakness that happened at the spur of the moment. But since I'm hoping to look back on these journal entries and see the truth about who I am right now at age 15...I guess I should keep things honest.
The truth is...Jimmy called the house while I was gone. And I saw his name on the Caller ID. And I thought about it. Long and hard. I considered my options. I weighed the possible consequences. But I did it anyway. I called him. I called him and asked him to come over.
It was sooooo easy. I felt my heart racing all over again. I couldn't WAIT to have Jimmy in my arms again. I had been starving for more of what he had to offer. And as usual, Jimmy didn't disappoint.
The second he stepped into the house, I grabbed both sides of his face, and I kissed him deeply on the lips. Hard as granite and panting Jimmy's name as I grabbed his ass with both hands. All Jimmy could say was, "Well, somebody is feeling frisky today! Hehehe!" I just needed him. Right there, right then. I couldn't go another second without him. Jimmy started stripping off his clothes the moment we entered the bedroom, and everything from there just happened automatically. Our bodies took over, our kisses led the way. I sucked him ravenously, so excited to have his tantalizing flavor in my mouth. I rubbed his legs and his stomach, I felt him shiver and tremble from my very touch. Jimmy's cute little ass snugly clutched to my inches as I slid in and out of him, his legs wrapped around me, his heavy breathing blowing on the nape of my neck. We moaned, we groaned, we whispered the 'oh yeahs' and the 'ooh babys'. And then we exploded. We came all over each other in a fever of passion and lust. Twice. And after?
I noticed the little smile on Jimmy's face as he curled up at my side, purring softly as he rode out a wave of post orgasmic bliss. I thought about what I was doing...and I was ashamed.
I got out of the bed.
I walked into the bathroom.
And I just...I didn't know what to feel at that particular moment.
Did this really feel 'good' when I thought about it rationally and let my mind fully assess the situation at hand? Or did I suddenly end up feeling more empty than I did before? Because I got more enjoyment out of Brandon's platonic hug at the mall then I did after two major climaxes with a boy who thought the world of me.
Billy 'Fucking' Chase, indeed.
I lightly splashed some water on my face...but it was the mirror that truly challenged me as I was forced to look myself in the eye. I didn't like what I saw staring back at me.
I felt such a sense of...SHAME! I had done it again. Willingly. I called Jimmy LaPlane over to my house, I pulled the curtains closed for privacy, and I violated him all over again. Not because I felt anything for him, but because I was so busy thinking about myself that this false reality became my playground for as long as I needed to get off. I forced myself to drown in the illusion that any of this was real. Or even satisfactory as far as my loving heart was concerned. I wanted this to be my solution.
This is not a solution. It's just another problem waiting to happen.
Sweet and cute as Jimmy was...I knew, in the back of my mind, that this 'connection' of ours wasn't ever going to go any further than my bedroom door. And when I looked at myself in that bathroom mirror...when I found that moment where I really needed to be honest with myself about what I was doing here...I almost couldn't bear the guilt of it. I wasn't in love with Jimmy. I was raping him. I was using Jimmy's body for my own selfish reasons, and then sending him home thinking he had a real boyfriend while I regretted every last moment of it. I was just...thinking about myself. And after what I had done to Brandon...after what I had done to Sam...I should know better by now.
I know how this story ends. I know the pattern well.
If I don't wake up and tell Jimmy the truth...I'm going to end up ruining his life. I'm going to end up ruining my life. And if Brandon found out about what we were doing together, I'd probably end up ruining his life too.
When I looked at my own reflection...all I could see was AJ staring back at me. Just wandering around the mall, searching for any cute boy with a weakness that I could exploit to feel good about myself.
Take him, Billy. Take him, fuck him, seduce him, just get into it. I thought about the night that AJ fucked me hard with my leg up on his dresser after sneaking out of the house to go see him...and I had to ask myself...was I really all that different? Am I not screwing Jimmy the same way?
Crazy as it may sound, it was Jimmy who once warned me about going down this path and losing my soul along the way. He was the one who told me that I could be better than that. Jimmy is the one who once told me that 'other' people matter. How am I supposed to break his heart now that we've gotten so involved with one another?
Jimmy's expecting me to go back into that room in the next 90 seconds or so and 'pretend' that we have a future together. I don't feel it like I'm supposed to. I don't know much, but I know what love feels like. And I haven't truly felt it once since Brandon and I had that horrible fight outside of his house.
I'm done. I didn't do it today, mostly because we had just had sex and I didn't want him to feel weird about it. But this has to stop. I've gotta tell him. I can't keep doing this to him. Or to myself. I'm sorry, Jimmy. I knew this was a mistake. I knew it this time. I saw it coming. I can't claim inexperience on this one. I knew what I was doing. It's time I learned my lesson the 'easy' way for a change.
Growing up sucks.
I've gotta run. But I'll write more later.
And Brandon? Thanks for lunch today. Thanks for reminding me what it feels like to be one half of a whole spirit again.